Perpetual Emptiness

[starlilly]

For ages now, I felt like I am going through the motions, like I am constantly searching for something to make me happy. It comes in waves and is more present at times than others, but is always with me in the back of my mind.

 

In another post, I have written about a breakup that happened to me recently. The other person was not good for me and I have since said good riddance, but the whole situation, like other breakups has left me feeling aimless and empty.

 

This emptiness has been the topic of conversation with my closest friends many times before. It's difficult to explain but goes something like this: I have not had a serious relationship in years. I am highly successful, well traveled, attractive, clever, kind, outgoing and all-round genuine person. I have many friends and my family loves me. My job is very rewarding and I have contact with many people who rely on me daily and they make me feel good -- in a surface kind of way if that makes any sense. But I just do not feel any sense of fulfilment whatsoever. I live in a city of great opportunity and should want for nothing in way of travel, goods, activities, etc., yet I still feel a huge void in my life. Nothing impresses me. I have been truly 'blessed' in that I get to see and do so many things and I can't enjoy them because I am ever-searching for that something to give me pleasure.

 

So, what is my problem? I am unsure, but I feel that I am unhappy because I am alone. I hate to say that I need a relationship to make me happy or to 'complete' me, but I fear this may be the case. I know that to share life and experiences with someone is a wonderful thing, and in light of this recent break up (although I do not want my dysfunctional ex back) I miss having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with and just having the comfort of knowing someone cares for me.

 

The same aforementioned friend said something very truthful to me today. She said that she doesn't understand why it is that I have not had 'luck' in relationships. Is it luck? Is it me? Is it that I am hollow inside and don't attract? Is it that it's not my time? I thought I was generaly happy with myself lately, but the past week has allowed that 'surfacing' feeling to creep back in. I swear it paralyzes me to the point where I become so focused on feeling this way that I cannot do anything productive in my own life. I know what I need to do to get happy, but it's that kick in the drawers that I require. I am even reconsidering counselling again as it was theraputic and helped me to develop coping skills...

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi starlilly, and welcome to ENA,

 

Some folks are the kind that are content alone, for others, being alone is a huge gap in their life, I understand where you are coming from on this.

 

Being miserable is unattractive too, it seems an endless downward spiral... the worse you feel, the less chance you have of attracting someone, so you feel worse etc...

 

Have you tried any of the dating sites?

 

Different people have opinions on this, but I tried E-harmony.

 

It took a bit of work, but I did get a lot of responses. (35 right off the bat.)

 

It sounds as though you have friends and a lot of big pluses to offer, you just need a way of getting with single guys... the internet does weed out a lot of people who are superficial etc., they have to be willing to work for it, and that is more than a "player" is willing to do.

 

Also, there was a poll here that demonstrated that about 90% of people found their SO online...

 

Jeff

[romantic sweetheart]

It is infused in our souls to join with a special person--to give and receive care, to be enveloped in the warm arms of love. We were born to seek love in all of its many forms, and for many of us, the ultimate form is that of romantic union. Nurturing ourselves in the "inbetween times" is often difficult, as we do feel emptiness and loneliness that seem to sabotage our efforts.

 

One of the things I have pondered as of late is the idea that our feelings are valid, no matter how they originate, and we have to embrace those feelings, to "sit" with them, so to speak, and allow them to communicate with us. I know that we often try to run away from loneliness and fear--try to cover it up, distract it away--bury it over with activities and maybe sometimes even a relationship-----But perhaps it is best to honour those unpleasant feelings, to allow them to reveal the deepest aspect of ourselves that need our attention. Your emptiness may come from a deep fear of being abandoned. As a child, you may have experienced loss early on, and have since then be struggling to feel complete as a unique and precious individual.

 

Or a host of other life lessons may have left you feeling frightened, lonely, or just deeply aware of the yearning for love.

 

It is perfectly natural to desire a love relationship to bring that sense of comfort and joy to our lives--

 

And when we confront our fears and hurts, we can better heal ourselves, understand ourselves, and be patient with ourselves--so that ultimately we are able to draw in and accept a positive love. Sometimes in our loneliness we accept people in our lives we otherwise would not--Our deepest wounds can be activated when people serve as a catalyst--for our learning and growth-----Lessons of self-love often are delivered alongside painful separations from someone we had tried to love.

 

It isn't easy to find that gentle space where we always feel courageous and strong--There are always waves of emotions, ever-changing, up and down, that we must go through to arrive at a greater understanding of the inner and outer world. Trust the journey, trust even the darkest hours, for even the dark sheds light on some of our longings.

 

As we slowly begin to accept that even the unpleasant feelings are just as important to us in our self-learning, we do not have to be so frightened of them---but look upon them with a sense of serenity, as we look upon different seasons, accepting them for what they are--And knowing that they eventually give way to change----

 

Love is the current of the world---and love will arrive again for you......

[starlilly]

Hi starlilly, and welcome to ENA,

 

 

Have you tried any of the dating sites?

 

It took a bit of work, but I did get a lot of responses. (35 right off the bat.)

 

 

Jeff

 

Thanks for the suggestion, however that is how I my last relationship began. I have been doing the online dating thing for about two years now and somewhat come to rely on it. Now I am at a point where when I go out, I don't look to meet guys because I tend to 'hide' behind the guise of the internet. I am a writer of sorts and find it easier to write than to to chat someone up. A close friend of mine pointed out (and I tend to agree) that I need to get out there and start circulating the scene and meet guys when I am out for fun. She also pointed out the fact that when I am in my home country it tends to be a lot easier and I have a lot more confidence and that I should just be myself. I tend to agree with that too.

 

I am pretty sure that my root issue is the fact that I am not putting effort into being my personal best and that can be seen in all avenues of my life -- from my work, to my home, right down to the way I have been neglecting my own needs because I was in a difficult relationship that seemed to consume my thoughts. I am thankful for the Christmas holidays so that I can actually dust myself off, self-reflect, do some writing and take care of ME.

 

Thanks for the posts, guys! Keep them coming!

[talo]

I am pretty sure that my root issue is the fact that I am not putting effort into being my personal best and that can be seen in all avenues of my life -- from my work, to my home, right down to.....

 

I think you have hit something here Starlilly.... Isn't being one's personal best in all avenues, enjoying oneself whatever avenues one may wander into?

 

It seems that enjoying oneself does not necessarily mean being overjoyed, as being overjoyed may well mean being carried away; enjoyment often meaning simple enjoyment, as in the occupancy or possession of something. And it appears that this enjoyment is not conditional on what that something is. This enjoyment appears to be the very condition that things appear in.

 

With best wishes,