It doesn't make sense

[circi]

This is probably the wrong place to post this, since there is no hope of getting back together. Just looking for answers because this makes no sense to me.

 

Was with the ex for 1 1/2yrs. Lived together for the last year. Split week and a half ago. He needed time to think.

 

Last night he came over for "the talk". He went to a therapist twice to try and sort his feelings out.

 

He loves spending time with me. I'm the only person who can make him laugh. He loved coming home to me everyday. I make him happy. Yet this is not enough. I got the ole "I love you but I'm not in love with you. I don't feel the way I should. It's not fair to you".

 

Isn't that what love is? Someone you want to spend time with and share your life with?

 

I'm crushed. I know I will get over this in time, but right now I just can't get my head around it. It does not make sense to me. What more does he think he's supposed to feel? When I asked him directly, he could not give me an answer.

[tsarevnaelena]

He loves spending time with me. I'm the only person who can make him laugh. He loved coming home to me everyday. I make him happy. Yet this is not enough. I got the ole "I love you but I'm not in love with you. I don't feel the way I should. It's not fair to you".

 

Isn't that what love is? Someone you want to spend time with and share your life with?

 

I'm crushed. I know I will get over this in time, but right now I just can't get my head around it. It does not make sense to me. What more does he think he's supposed to feel? When I asked him directly, he could not give me an answer.

 

 

Hi, Circi,

 

My ex said almost verbatim what yours did and now has told others he doesn't think he was ever "in love" with me. But he told me that he felt I needed someone to love me with his whole heart and he loved me and always would.

 

I don't know - maybe some guys assume there should be some big fireworks thing and if they don't feel it, they say it must not be love. I wish I could answer your question. When I asked my ex directly, he also evaded. It's frustrating to me, as well.

[circi]

How long have you been split?

[pureofheart]

I got the ole "I love you but I'm not in love with you. I don't feel the way I should. It's not fair to you".

.

 

What does that line mean?

 

Here is what it means: You're great. You treat me well, you are kind and beautiful. I have no LEGITIMATE reason for breaking up with you. So I will use this cliche of "love but not in love" to break up with you. It's easy beause: 1. you can not argue with this reason, 2. no one really knows what it really means. The truth is, I really just feel the urge to date around.

 

I love you but I'm not in love with you

 

Translation:

 

I don't love you and I want to experiment with other people.

 

People who say this usually have no clue what love really is. Love is NOT a feeling because feelings are transient. Love is a daily commitment, it's a daily act of will to put another person's happiness above his own. Love is difficult and hard. Infatuation and physical attraction is easy. But truly loving someone and serving his/her needs and being there for him/her during the toughest times is incredibly difficult. A lot of people, men and women, are not capable of it. and they spend their lives chasing after that "swept away" feeling of infatuation.

 

In summary, you should find someone who loves you and doesn't give you lame berak up lines after 2 years together.

[tsarevnaelena]

How long have you been split?

 

About two months. Pureofheart's comment is really good. I don't agree with all of it, but I think the bottom line usually is that the person wants to just date around. I don't necessarily think it means the person didn't love you, just that he or she wants to test the waters. Obviously some people who do that stay gone, but this is the "getting back together" forum, so there have been some success stories of people who said "I love you but am not in love with you" and got back together.

[delerium6]

I'm in the same boat. She basically framed her breakup line to me in the same way: "I love you... you're great to me... but..." yadda yadda. She never seemed to be the type to have roaming eyes who just wants to hop around to different infatuations, so I'm not sure that's it. And we've always gotten along great, I've always been attentive to her and made her feel romantically 'wanted' and a part of my life. So it's not like I began ignoring her or became distant. It's just so abstract and ridiculous it drives me batty.

 

I've posted this link in a couple other threads where this subject's been brought up. In some ways, it may help identify why this is happening. I even broke NC a couple weeks after she pulled the plug and mailed her this article. (I didn't get a response, but I didn't expect to, and actually requested she didn't for the time being)

 

link removed

[circi]

I don't believe he wants to date around but who knows. I just talked to one of his friends and found out he got an apartment on Sunday. Apparently when he was supposed to come here to talk on Wed., he met up with that friend for a drink instead. Told me he worked late. He left me hanging until Thursday?! He's known he was going to do this all that time and was too f'ing cowardly to tell me until last night?

[pureofheart]

I don't believe he wants to date around but who knows. ?

 

Don't mean to hurt your feelings, but when a man breaks up with a great woman, he's not hoping to become a priest and join a monastery. He is going to date other people.

 

Apparently when he was supposed to come here to talk on Wed., he met up with that friend for a drink instead. Told me he worked late. He left me hanging until Thursday?! He's known he was going to do this all that time and was too f'ing cowardly to tell me until last night?

 

Look, he knows that what he is doing is KILLING YOU right now.

 

He knows that your heart is in little pieces because of his actions.

 

He knows. But he continues to do what he is doing - now that's a sign for you.

[CatsMeeoow]

Don't mean to hurt your feelings, but when a man breaks up with a great woman, he's not hoping to become a priest and join a monastery. He is going to date other people.

 

 

 

 

I disagree - my ex didn't go on a single date for 8 1/2 + months after we broke up. He was a little shocked to find out that I had been dating. He said it was weird but wouldn't talk about it beyond that.

[pureofheart]

I disagree - my ex didn't go on a single date for 8 1/2 + months after we broke up. [/ QUOTE]

 

 

The alternative explanation: He would rather be with no one than be with you. To him, he's happier by himself than to be with you.

 

Frankly, I think that's worse.

[CatsMeeoow]

I disagree - my ex didn't go on a single date for 8 1/2 + months after we broke up. [/ QUOTE]

 

 

The alternative explanation: He would rather be with no one than be with you. To him, he's happier by himself than to be with you.

 

Frankly, I think that's worse.

 

Nope - we had a true heart to heart last August and he just said he was waiting to see if we worked things out or not...

 

Now he is dating someone else because he has given that part of his life enough time to feel that it is not the path he wants and has entirely closed the book on me. But, he really did think about it for a long time. I didn't make things easy by being too available and too needy... ultimately he said those things just pissed him off but even during those times we still had some really great open conversations.

 

I know my problem is too much communication --- he even said to me that he is hesitant because when he does open the door of communication a bit I just push myself right on in and perhaps that is not the case now but if the past is any indication of the future it will happen again.

 

All I can do is let go and know that in his way he tried and I was just being the person that I am... ALL or NOTHING.

 

Life happens.

[rokston]

my ex said very similar things. she still does 7/8 months after the split. she loves me but she is not sure the spark is there after 5yrs together. she is still confused and trying to decide what to do..

 

i know she loves me. i think she loves me very much. but she loves herself more and people want different things from relationships. maybe she will find everything she wants in someone ... or maybe she will never find what exactly she is looking for and settle for less in the end with somebody. i don't know.

 

it is not possible to say if he wants to date around or not. most likely even if he does you will not be the first to find out..

. for the past 7 months she has persistently denied any of this is related to dating other people. she said she had not done it etc.. the BAM two weeks ago she admitted there have been other people involved during the summer. nothing serious (ie not in love) but physical needs etc.

 

anyway my point is to try and not delude yourself too much. he may come round and realize he's made a huge mistake .. or he may not. nobody can say for sure, all you can do is focus on yourself and dont wait around for him... if he comes back you can reevaluate but in the meantime you might meet someone that is sure and is in love with you..

[circi]

I'm not holding out hope that he will come back to me. I know him well enough to know better and I've started packing some of his things but I can't really function and haven't gotten far with it.

 

I just don't understand the reasons he gave me. He claims he WANTS to be with me but it's not fair to me. Most likely a cop out *but* if he truly feels the way he claims, then it just doesn't make any sense.

 

I sent some drunken texts that I shouldn't have last night after he left. A few hours later he sends me ones saying this really hurts and etc. Yah that was the last thing I needed to hear. I'd much rather hear nothing than that crap.

 

I just can't believe this is happening/happened. I don't know if I'm grieving for him, or for the loss of the life I thought I was living and going to be living.

[circi]

He told me this isn't what he wants, but it's what he has to do. Says he feels broken. If he's so flipping miserable then WHY?

[CatsMeeoow]

I think for my ex - there was some part of fear in it...

 

Hurt a little now or hurt a whole lot more later... sort of rationalization. He'd been through a real crappy divorce and was gunshy...

[rokston]

He is probably genuinely confused and feels lots for you, so he is also hurting right now. But the bottom line at the moment is that he's decided that whatever his feeling for you are .. they are not enough.

 

The one thing I would seriously advise is that you avoid building hope on wishy-washy 'i love yous'. I wish that I had not done so... it would have made the healing process more abrupt but also more effective.

 

Whatever his confusion and the dubious logic in his word vs. his actions, he has made a decision. It is in your best interest to just accept it for what it is - hard and painful. Then you will probably move forwards quicker.

 

I really feel for you, I remember asking myself the same questions and being completely confused about it all.. Guess I still am but it make more sense now or maybe I have just got used to it..

[pureofheart]

I think for my ex - there was some part of fear in it...

 

Hurt a little now or hurt a whole lot more later... sort of rationalization. He'd been through a real crappy divorce and was gunshy...

 

After a break up, a lot of us rationalize our partner's decision: oh, he's afraid, oh he's not ready for commitment, etc, etc.

 

Truth be told, when a man truly loves a woman (and vice versa), he is not afriad. He can't wait to share his life with her.

 

Perhaps the real reason ( though this is hard to accept) is that we are not the "right person" for our ex's.

 

You can keep arguing and keep rationalizing his behavior in your head. This is really denial. In the end, his actions (choosing not to be with you) speaks loud and clear what he wants and how he feels. There is no guess work - that is what he wants.

[pureofheart]

He told me this isn't what he wants, but it's what he has to do. Says he feels broken. If he's so flipping miserable then WHY?

 

He told you why: he doesn't love you enough to stay. He thinks he can love someone else more. I know this hurts like hell for you.

 

Look, guys say that, "oh it hurts me too to end this relationship," because they don't want to look like an a -- hole. He could say, "actaully I'm quite relieved to be out of this relationship. I"m okay with it because it is the right decision." But I suspect that he just doesn't have the heart to say that.

[Clabs]

Hey circi

 

I really feel for you honey because I was fed all those messages and they just confused the hell out of me and kept me hanging onto hope. In the end I had to tell my ex that I only wanted to hear from her if she wanted to discuss us. She told me she didn't know I could be so hard and selfish, and that I was childish!

 

rokston is spot on here - if you want to retain your sanity you have to look at his actions and not listen to his confusing words - as hard as it seems right now.

 

Take care of yourself honey.

 

Mark

[circi]

 

The alternative explanation: He would rather be with no one than be with you. To him, he's happier by himself than to be with you.

 

Frankly, I think that's worse.

 

I agree. I told the ex that is what was making it so hard. He said he wished there was another girl.

 

To tell me he did not want to move out, after he had already gotten another place...I'm just stunned. And had to hear it from a friend who was not aware they'd just dropped a bombshell? Even he was shocked the ext had not told me. A piece of me died when I got that news.

 

He's sent me another text, asking how my day was going. Concern? Is he feeling sorry for me?! That is just humiliating if so. I did not respond. He can not know that I am barely able to function right now!

 

A friend of mine reminded me today that I have been talking about breaking things off with him for about 6 months. So why am I feeling like my world has ended??

 

I am going NC until I am calmer about the situation. I have to talk to him soon, seeing how he currently lives in an empty apartment with nothing but an air mattress. All the day-to-day living things of his are at my place. How long should I wait before contacting him?

[circi]

He sent another text @ 7:30, asking what I was doing. I did not reply. He no longer gets to know what I'm doing!

[AngryHeart]

They have some nerve asking things like "what are you doing?" !

[bridgid8]

Hey circi

 

I really feel for you honey because I was fed all those messages and they just confused the hell out of me and kept me hanging onto hope. In the end I had to tell my ex that I only wanted to hear from her if she wanted to discuss us. She told me she didn't know I could be so hard and selfish, and that I was childish!

 

rokston is spot on here - if you want to retain your sanity you have to look at his actions and not listen to his confusing words - as hard as it seems right now.

 

Ditto. Those messages are confusing, and if you allow him to keep feeding those lines to you, it will torture you for months. Every time I tried to be rational I would counter it by thinking that he was going through something bigger than us and he would come to his senses. I was the one who had to come to my senses. If he keeps telling you these things, you have the right to ask him to stop, let him know it confuses you.

 

 

He told you why: he doesn't love you enough to stay. He thinks he can love someone else more. I know this hurts like hell for you.

 

Look, guys say that, "oh it hurts me too to end this relationship," because they don't want to look like an a -- hole. He could say, "actaully I'm quite relieved to be out of this relationship. I"m okay with it because it is the right decision." But I suspect that he just doesn't have the heart to say that.

 

This is the dose of reality we don't want to hear, but she may very well be right.

 

Please take care.

[rokston]

I think you should contact him about the practical things once you've calmed down a little and rationalized.

 

It's good to stop trivial communication on a daily basis to avoid the notion of a pseudo-relationship. Without food the constant thinking and interpreting of confusing actions dies quicker. Also, you're right that he does not need to know about your suffering at the moment.

 

Try not to dig into specific things that he did. I am sure it was not meant to hurt you. Sadly break ups always involve variable pieces of dishonesty and hurtful actions. IMO, it is easier to just accept these as part of the whole mess rather than be astonished at them.

 

Do take care and don't lose faith. Things will be ok!! Best wishes!

[circi]

2 more texts. He hasn't called to talk to me, but he's messaging me still at least 4x a day. I need it to stop.

 

I'm trying hard to get past this state of shock. I really thought he'd come back. It's hard to sleep in our bed alone

 

Here's something else that just occurred to me. Do I want to be here when he moves his things out? Or should I let him in the house and then leave.