Which choice do I make

[lynxwizard]

I have posted my breakup here before, I was with her for a little over 2 years and she went back to her boyfriend of 4 years ago, they lived together for 2 years, she left because he drank allot, was verbly abusive and not a christian, well she says he has changed and now is living with him and engaged after 2 months.

When we were together things were not bad, I know she cares about me but she feels he is the one. I do not contact her and she contacts me sometimes.

 

Well I know I have to move on but I know things will fall apart for her with this guy someday. I love her so much and she knows this. my question is, do I stay in touch with her or send her a email saying its too hard to be friends and for her not to contact me ?

 

So Do I remain in limited contact with her and be a friend because the day will come when she will need a friend and then maybe something more could happen for us, she may look at me in a different light,and maybe she will get stronger feelings for me, but if I send the email will she not contact me when the day comes when she is free ? or would she anyway ? would she respect me more if I sent the email ? I know she would feel bad.

 

So when the day comes and she is free of this guy and if I am not involved what would my best chance be ? should I be a friend or send the email ?

 

This has been tearing me up.

[samross]

Be a friend. That's all you can do. The email will sound like you're trying to control her by using guilt. I've done that and it won't work. Even if it did no one would want to be in a relationship based on that.

 

For you own personal recovery I would try to move on. Being friends leaves the door open. I think deep down from what you're saying that's really what you're saying you want. If you send the letter and later she is free it might make her feel obligated to make things work with you which eventually won't work. Let it happen for the right reasons.

[lynxwizard]

One thing that concerns me if I am her friend, Will I be stuck in the 'Friend Zone' ?

[samross]

I don't really think so but there are no guarantees in love - but I think I would not try to openly make the distinction with her that what exists between you and her is a only a friendship. In other words, don't tell her 'we're just friends' or 'we can only be friends'. For now I wouldn't try to pressure her into a position where she has to say that to you. Leave that as something you never verbalize. It will be implied by your actions with her. Keep in mind there is everything in the world positive about a relationship starting off as friends. She may see in the long run that is exactly what she needs and she'll find it with you.

[lynxwizard]

I don't really think so but there are no guarantees in love - but I think I would not try to openly make the distinction with her that what exists between you and her is a only a friendship. In other words, don't tell her 'we're just friends' or 'we can only be friends'. For now I wouldn't try to pressure her into a position where she has to say that to you. Leave that as something you never verbalize. It will be implied by your actions with her. Keep in mind there is everything in the world positive about a relationship starting off as friends. She may see in the long run that is exactly what she needs and she'll find it with you.

I hope you are right, she is friends with a friend of mine and he said she is going out of town for Christmas and New Years, kind of bums me but I guess she is with him and it does not matter where they are, I am thinking though I should be the one letting her contact me.

[samross]

I'm going through the same thing with my ex and my best friend. HO HO HO, right? It sucks, I know. If it's one thing I've learned in this life it's that NOTHING in this world ever stays the same. She may not be with him one day (most likely), your feelings for her may change (replaced with feelings for someone else that you are even more thankful for). Focus on you, lynx. Try as best you can to face your pain and if you're like me even a little bit you'll see it isn't quite as bad as it seems right now. Most of our anguish is because we as 'dumpees' seem to have vivid imaginations. Most of the time I think I have a situation figured out and it comes back with some angle I never thought of and proves me wrong. Which usually is a good thing cause it means maybe they really didn't sleep together or maybe she really doesn't love him and she really still loves me. I guess we still have hope, don't we?

[lynxwizard]

Yes I have hope, some would say I have false hope, but I know she is living with him (she does not know I know that)and she says she does love him, it is a total bummer, yes it dont think it will last, but that will take awhile, and time will only tell if I loose it for her, I am thinking that may take awhile too

[samross]

If you were to never see another soul for the rest of your life I could easily see that a person's feelings might never diminish but only get stronger. However, when a new person enters the picture all bets are off. Regardless of how you may feel about her, those feelings will either get stronger, they will go away, or perhaps the feelings whatever they are may just not really matter to you because you've moved on. For now that is really your only choice. No one can truly say it is false hope because no one know the future (boy if we did...). I know it hurts termendously right now but it will get easier. Focus on you. And it make take some time but if it does happen down the road you will be emotionally ready to know what to do.

[lynxwizard]

We work in the same building and I sent her a Christmas gift today , a box of homemade cookies from my friend Pat (they are just friends) she sent me a email thanking me for sending them and wished me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, should I respond ?

[samross]

I would. This is just me but I would say:

 

I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, too, [WHATEVER HER NAME IS]. I hope you're doing well.

YOUR NAME

 

Take it one step at a time.

[lynxwizard]

I would. This is just me but I would say:

 

I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, too, [WHATEVER HER NAME IS]. I hope you're doing well.

YOUR NAME

 

Take it one step at a time.

I will, last week I was at the chapel praying and she walked in and said hi and I left, I felt bad and she sent me a email the next day saying she just wanted to say hi and just talk and she prayed I would understand what shes doing and hoped I did not hate her and she said if she saw me in the future she would not bother me, I replied back that I did not hate her and she does not have to igonore me if she sees me, she never replyed back, I guess I felt bad and was thinking I should say I was sorry, but Maybe I dont need to do I ? so I will just say what you said.

[samross]

I don't think you need to apologize for having a wounded heart. I think I would have responded the same way. One mistake I make is I talk too much and try work everything out in one effort and it just never seems to work. I think if I discuss every angle, every thought , then she'll give in. Never works. Just keep it short and simple.

[lynxwizard]

Well I just sent it, wished her a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and Gods peace to be with her. she replyed back 'Thank You', I guess that was nice, no need to say anything more for now I guess and I bet I wont hear a word from her till next year, At least I hope I do, I guess I have to think long term and not short term.

[lynxwizard]

I don't really think so but there are no guarantees in love - but I think I would not try to openly make the distinction with her that what exists between you and her is a only a friendship. In other words, don't tell her 'we're just friends' or 'we can only be friends'. For now I wouldn't try to pressure her into a position where she has to say that to you. Leave that as something you never verbalize. It will be implied by your actions with her. Keep in mind there is everything in the world positive about a relationship starting off as friends. She may see in the long run that is exactly what she needs and she'll find it with you.

she has told me that I am her friend, would you say thats good or bad ?

[lynxwizard]

Maybe I am reading to much into this, but My friend showed me the email she sent him and she signed it 'Love and Blessings your friend always' for the one she sent me today thanking me for passing on the gift she just said 'Love and Blessings', left off the friend part.