I'm so confused I don't know what to do!

[Pickle56]

First off, I'm new here and I would greatly appreciate any feedback regarding my situation!

 

A little backstory:

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2.5 years. For almost a year now I've been toying with the idea of breaking up, when I don't see him I usually get annoyed when he calls (Usually, not always). For about a year or so our sex life has been horrible. Not because of him, just because I either have the lowest sex drive imaginable or I am no longer sexually attracted to him! It started out with us being really into the sexual things but over time my enthusiasm died down to what it is now which is nothing! I have absolutely no desire to engage in any sexual activity. I feel horrible about it because I know sex is extremely important to him but I just can't make myself do it anymore. I used to but felt dirty and resentful afterwards. Otherwise our relationship is fine, we don't fight, though we don't see each other everyday as we live an hour away from each other and are both very busy with school.

 

Lately I have noticed that we actually don't have much to talk about at all (he NEVER has anything to say. He just hangs on the phone not talking for 5 minutes while I try to think of something). It sounds like we are over and maybe we are but I just don't know! When we're physically together I love to be around him but when we're apart I don't always feel that need. I love him, I don't want to hurt him though I know we're both hurt right now. We tried a "break" though really it wasn't one as we talked everyday and even saw each on his bday, and will this weekend. I guess it does sound like we're over but I can't imagine my life without him and I'm horribly afraid that if we do break up for good that it will have been the biggest mistake of my life! He is everything I want in a guy! Once he is done with grad school he will be very successful, hes smart, caring, considerate, attractive, family oriented, gentle, and so forth but for some stupid unknown reason I just can't make myself feel sexually stimulated around him! Just, what if I can't find someone as good as him if we do break it off?!

 

Sorry for writing a novel I've just been struggling with this for a year and still don't know what to do! One day I'm resolved to break things off and the next the thought of not being with him tears me apart! So I guess my reason for posting is really to get some opinion from an outside perspective/experience as well as input on whether or not we should try an actual break with NC and all? And if breaking up really is the best option, how?! My last relationships the guys either left me or just started ignoring me. This is my first real/long term relationship and I just don't know what to do anymore. My main approach was just to immerse myself in my work and in stories/other ppls woes so as not to think about mine but this is coming to bite me in the butt!

 

I just don't know what to do! I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. I don't want to hurt him I want him to be happy but I also want me to be happy. And I've talked this issue to death mainly with myself and every time I think about it now I draw a blank and automatically do something else to not deal with it. Please help me

 

 

(I hope I don't sound like a horrible selfish person, I really do want everyone to be happy here)

[ftheunion]

Well he will be hurt probably, but I bet it won't be a complete surprise if he's not dumb. You can tell him you have no spark physically. But decide if the personality keeps you liking him.

 

I don't believe in love. But a good definition would be being truly other-centered. Meaning caring for him more than yourself.

 

Do what you want, but I don't think you will be happy or necessarily fix things either way you go.

[Atticus90]

You're obviously not a phone person. Some people aren't capable of talking on the phone for long periods of time, because they always zone out or just prefer talking in person.

 

You both sound like you need some excitement. Try going out places like the movies or go out to dinner. Do something you'll both enjoy instead of doing the same thing everyyy single day.

 

But if you feel that it's over, then let your boyfriend know how you feel.

[LoveLovelove10]

Hmm......honestly, I'm going to be blunt. Depending on how old you are matters a bit in this too? If you were older...its possible I might try to make it work, but if your still in your teens or 20's, I'd move on and never look back. Let me explain, when you really love someone distance makes you miss someone regardless and it actually hurts just being away from them. I've been in relationships where I had this happen to me and I didn't miss them at ALL and actually as soon as I walked out the door leaving them to go somewhere I was relieved in a way... I ALSO was attracted to this person at the beginning of our relationship and eventually became so unattracted to this person I felt disgusted. So I completely relate to you here. It hurt because I KNEW he was a nice guy and he was, but at some point I just accepted the fact that I wasn't into it anymore and had to try to move on. As soon as we broke up I felt sad because in general it always hurts having to hurt someone else, but a month later I was completely over it and SO glad that I ended it when I did and didn't drag it out even longer. This guy was great in the same aspect that you think your current bf is great, but it sounds like that "something" is missing and thats not your fault or his.....its just human nature and really common. I think that a lot of people get stuck in unhappy relationships because they don't want to break up with that person because of being afraid of being single. When really...the "right" guy could be passing you by as the months have passed because your stuck with this guy that might not be right for you in the end anyway. I know it hurts....and it sucks all around but time truly does heal all wounds and I PROMISE, if you decide to break up with this guy and meet another guy later that you do fall completely in love with, you will forget ALL about him. In this life choosing our life's mate is going to decide probably 90% of our life's happiness or misery. My mother told me my whole life that I would "know" when I met the right one and that I'd just feel at "home" and I didn't believe her until it happened and it will happen for you too!! Only you can decide whether its worth giving a shot here... but I would NEVER sacrifice your own happiness to keep someone else happy.

[Pickle56]

Thank you for the replies!

 

Lovelove, I think you're totally right about the age bit. We're both in our early twenties just now and I feel a bit ridiculous having issues that people twice my age usually have! Thank you!