Ex-BF Hit Me With the Car - Refuses to Apologize

[sayer7]

I went to my ex's work Christmas party as I do most every year as his designated driver... party went great but as usual I think he drank quite a few- I lost count and the last 4 years I've always counted but this time I was more social and didn't keep track of him.

 

He'd parked my car in an awkward position and after the party offered to back it out for me and then we'd switch so I would be the driver to go to the less formal after-party at a local bar. A co-worker starts to joke with him while he's backing out, and I can see my ex is laughing and he presses the gas making the car go faster as if he was going to try and hit him... instead, he hits me with the car as he pulling out of the driveway. I now have a pretty massive deep bruise on my forearm and a swelling that's about as thick and wide as a golf ball.

 

I got ticked... I told him to get out of the f'ing car... he was still laughing. I asked him if he knew he hit me. He didn't... and he tried to play it down telling me "Aw it couldn't have been that bad cause I didn't even hear it." That only got me more angry-- finally we get into a screaming match because he keeps telling me I have no reason to be angry... and I tell him, "You just hit me with my car fooling around with your buddy-- and I have no reason to be angry???!" And he screamed back..."NO!"

 

So we get to the bar and I tell him to get out of my car. He tells me in his self-righteous attitude to get the 'f' out of the car instead. That's gets me even more ticked and I finally scream "Get out of my CAR!" He does and I left him there to cool off.

 

I went back an hour later to pick him up after I drive around .... and when I see him again he gives me attitude because he's in front of his coworkers-- and of course the bruise and the swelling on my arm is very obvious and I can tell he noticed it when I reiterate "You hit me with my car and you're now giving me attitude about being a responsible designated driver and coming back for you??" He tells me just to go and that he has a ride and acts as if I'm the bad guy and he refuses to apologize. So I said, "Fine, I see how it is... you hit me with the car and you think you're smart-__ now. Fine." And so I left.

 

Am I totally over-reacting or do I have the right to be totally ticked off?? This happens every year-- he's either throwing up out my car window or we're making emergency stops along the highway so he can run out and puke. I'm just so fed up with him and his inability to control how much he drinks... and then he always does stupid stuff when he's drunk-- hitting me with the car has become the record worst.

 

I go with him to be his designated driver.... that's the only reason, otherwise he drives himself and drives home drunk (this happened twice- I've been going ever since). I have lost every ounce of respect for him, and now I think his co-workers have also after having seen my bruise. I feel terrible about his co-workers losing respect for him, I just wanted to make sure he had a safe ride home and that's why I went back.

 

He was so self-righteous telling me I had no reason to be angry with him- I've told him many times before to drive responsibly with my car and not joke around- it literally made me nauseated tonight to hear him so self-righteous. We've always been good friends after the break-up... but I don't think I can be his friend anymore. I'm so angry I don't even want to speak to him anymore.

 

I just can't believe he hit me with the car and told me I shouldn't be mad. It just boggles my mind. I hate the company Christmas party.

 

Any advice???

[Aleadragonhawk]

Give him some time to cool off and have a rational discussion with him about it when he isn't drunk, if you're invested in a friendship with him that you want to preserve. Personally, I'd really advise getting him out of your life, though - hitting you and not caring at all? That's not a person that you want to have around you. You were doing him a favor, and he walked all over you.

[sayer7]

Unfortunately he won't remember- like always- he never remembers all that he does when he's drunk and then always plays it off the next day like I'm being over dramatic about all the stupid stuff he does. I'm sure tomorrow he'll look at my arm and ask, "How did you get that big bruise on your arm?" and I'll say, "Uhhh.. duh... you hit me with the car."

 

He actually just called and said, "Well if tomorrow you're not angry anymore for whatever stupid reason you're angry now- then I'll just take it as we're all good and we won't need to talk about it."

 

He just absolutely doesn't understand how I can be angry at him at all. Am I totally insane??? I told him to 'just go to bed and we'll talk about it tomorrow after we've cooled down'... and he instantly gets his self-righteous attitude again and says, "Don't tell me what to f-ing do!" and I reply he's been telling me all night that I have no right to be angry and not to feel this way or say that when it's MY car and MY body that he hit-- and he's telling me not to tell him to just go to bed and we'll talk about it in the morning after we've cooled down?!!

 

So I hung up on him.

 

ARRRGHHHH. He refuses to take responsibility for his irresponsibility or the fact that he actually hurt me with his irresponsibility and it's driving me totally nuts! He just doesn't get it.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Why is this guy in your life at all?

[sayer7]

We have a very tight mutual group of friends- it's very difficult to just spend time with the others without him coming a long and we've been good friends since the break-up. But yes, I do often wonder why I even let him stay in my life at all or try to do nice things for him like be his designated driver so he doesn't kill himself. Guess I care too much.

[rose2summer]

Ugh, this guy needs to be tossed out like yesterday's garbage.

 

He is acting so non-chalant because you seriously could take legal action against him for this, so irresponsible. He wants you to think it was nothing.

 

His behavior is so typical of an abusive man, keep walking and don't look back.

 

If I ever hit a friend with my car, I would feel horrible and make them seek medical help.

 

He only cares about being "cool" and about himself, this self-righteous attitude is so rescae.

 

I know it will be hard to cut ties, but you will be much happier in the end.

 

Imagine he had driven over your friend, would you still want to be friends with him?

 

You are being way too forgiving, love yourself, you are very important, and loving yourself means protecting yourself physically and mentally.

 

We are here for you.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Atticus90]

I would of called the police the second it happened. Especially if this guy has a history of being an idiot

[BeStrongBeHappy]

He is a binge drinking alcoholic... period! to hit someone (his girlfriend!) with a car then make light of it is totally unacceptable and irresponsible.

 

arguing with a drunk is fruitless though... but his not remembering it or being drunk is NO excuse...

 

i suggest you sit him down when he is sober, show him your arm, and tell him very plainly that he is an alcoholic with an inability to drink without behaving badly and dangerously. the condition for staying with him should be that he stops drinking...

 

if he won't, then don't enable him by counting his drinks and driving him around and tolerating his abuse when drunk. these kind of problems just get worse as time goes by, and next time he hits someone when drunk, he could seriously injure them or kill them. you just don't want to be with someone who has this kind of drinking problem, and makes light of it.

[sayer7]

Thanks guys. I got a little sleep but I'm still furious about it all. He actually did come to my house this morning before he went to work and was crying and kept apologizing for hitting me with the car... that he didn't mean it...and I told him (for the hundredth time since I've known him after things like this happen) he needed to get help for his alcoholism and learn some anger management. After he kept apologizing for hitting me with the car, I asked him if he had anything else to say... and he said no and that he just didn't mean to hit me with the car. And I told him, "That's fine but that's not what I'm most angry about... and you honestly still don't 'get it' after all these years."

 

Then I told him I didn't want to see or talk to him anymore and told him to just go away... then I closed the door in his face.

 

In our circle of friends we've always known that he is a binge drinker but unfortunately about half of our circle of friends are the exact same way... so being around them just enables him to be how he is.

 

I'm not as furious that he hit me with the car- I understand that accidents happen... but I'm furious how self-righteous he was about it afterwards even with the bruise in front of his face, that he was angry at me for being angry that he hit me with the car, the disrespectful and irresponsible use of MY car after years of me telling him not to drive that way in my car, and the attitude, lip, and utter disrespect he gave me just because he wanted to maintain his "cool rep" in front of the other people he worked with and make ME look like the idiot for being hit- he told me I was the one in the wrong and said that I always ruin his good time!

 

I'm supposed to do a whole weekend of Christmas parties and well-planned get-togethers with him and the rest of our circle of friends and some of the co-workers that were there last night... and I absolutely will not go. He said he was scared they'd ask why I wasn't there cause I was one of the people that helped plan and coordinate all these parties.

 

I told him he could tell them he hit me with the car by driving irresponsibly and that I don't want to be around him anymore. And I told him, if anyone calls to ask me where I am and why I'm not there, that's exactly what I'm going to tell them.

 

Who knows what he'll actually tell them- he'll probably just play it off to maintain his dignity. I'm just so done with being his friend I can't stand to be 10 feet away from him.

 

These are all the same reasons why I broke up with him years ago and that's why I can't be his friend anymore now.

 

At least he apologized for hitting me with the car and I understand he didn't mean it-- but it's for all the other things afterwards that he did mean to say and do -- and he just doesn't get it.

[ghost69]

where are you at that your ex can find you and hit you with his car? i find this so random.

[RayKay]

where are you at that your ex can find you and hit you with his car? i find this so random.

 

I think she explained that pretty well in the post.....

[RayKay]

Hey sayer - one of my ex's was a belligerent, self-righteous drunk too.......it was awful and anytime I was around him when he drank I ended up feeling worse about myself. He was a binge-drinker too and I passed it off as just being "fun" for him but in retrospect he seemed to have an inability to go out and NOT get hammered.

 

I am glad he apologized, but I certainly don't think it is healthy if he puts your life, as well as emotional health, in such danger.

 

I think your reaction is totally fair and reasonable - and I think you are doing the right thing by setting those boundaries even if it means he is no longer part of your present life.

 

I certainly would seriously question his character if he drives home drunk anyway....personally, if I actively knew he was doing that I would be calling the police. It's not just his life he is putting at risk.

 

You are right, he has a severe alcohol problem, and until he admits and realizes it.....well there is little you can personally do. And you certainly cannot afford to be dragged down to the bottom with him.

[Tethys]

Why are you so worked up about what your ex did to you when he's drunk? Sounds like you have put up with this abhorrent behavior for a long time, so why does this bother you so much?

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but trying to make a point. If that happened to me, I would be angry as well, but it sounds to me that you're letting this guy have too much of a role in your life. You shouldn't be his babysitter because you know he drinks too much -- you should be running for the hills because he's bad for you.

 

Mutual friends? So what. If they are your friends for real, they will understand if you cut him off.

 

If I were you, I'd seriously think about why this guy -- this alcoholic who has no respect for you -- is still in your life.

[sayer7]

Good point. I have often thought about it and I'm personally and professionally the type of person to not give up on someone who needs help- I work in a help agency. Now I've given my friend pamphlets and phone numbers for various help agencies to get help for his alcoholism and to get counseling... and now I have nothing left to give him that could be of any benefit to him... which is why I've finally given up on him. He is only the 2nd person in both my personal and professional life I've absolutely given up on and it makes me feel absolutely terrible- because it goes against everything I believe in personally and professionally.

 

And as for his abhorrent behavior-- believe me, this has absolutely outdone EVERYTHING he's ever done in the 5 years I've known him so to say I should be desensitized to it by now is too blaze to say. I don't think anyone could equate throwing up out my car window to actually getting hit by them with the car... there just hasn't been any such equivalent thus far in order for me to be desensitized to this level of behavior.

 

So I although I do agree with you--- Why would a guy who behaves so terribly respect a person who lets them behave that way? 1. I only have control over what I do-- and I do my best to make the best choices for me and for others that go along with what I believe in personally and professionally. 2. He's in my life because I do respect him when he's not drunk...he's not a terrible person the majority of the time and I always try to see the stengths in people and give them the benefit of the doubt until I absolutely have no other choice... and for him, after THIS level of behavior, I've now realized I can no longer give him the benefit of the doubt and must remove him from my life for my own safety.

 

And that's pretty much where I'm coming from and why I've let him stay in my life so long.

 

As for our mutual friends-- I met them through him when I dated him-- we dated for 2 years and I got to know them very well. However they grew up together in the same town, went to the same college, and now live together in the same town again-- over 35 years of knowing each other... so my having ejected him out of my life means I've ejected all of them out of my life as well. I live within the neighborhood of everyone else so that's how I've remained "in the group" even after my ex and I broke up. I have to start over now from scratch because I know they will be loyal to each other above any other person that were later introduced to the group and broke away. I've seen it happen with other ex-gf's and wives - that's just the way this group works. Just because I call them mutual friends doesn't mean they are my personal friends... they just became the friends I spent the most time with for 5 years and eventually they became the only people I hung out with.

 

And yes, they already do fully understand why I've cut him off... but they will always till the day they die, be loyal to him and each other.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

where are you at that your ex can find you and hit you with his car? i find this so random.

 

I hate the abbreviation "LOL" but "Lol, lol, lol, and lolllllllllllllll"!!!! I did too, but then I read her post.

 

Anyway original poster, he sounds like a user, loser, abuser. Cut him off.

[BellaDonna]

Hi. I'm sorry about what happened. It must have been very stressful.

 

I think you should stay far away from him, from now on. He clearly has an alcohol problem on top of an attitude problem, and does not care about your well-being. He's not someone who behaves like a "friend".

 

I went back an hour later to pick him up after I drive around .... and when I see him again he gives me attitude because he's in front of his coworkers-- and of course the bruise and the swelling on my arm is very obvious and I can tell he noticed it when I reiterate "You hit me with my car and you're now giving me attitude about being a responsible designated driver and coming back for you??" He tells me just to go and that he has a ride and acts as if I'm the bad guy and he refuses to apologize. So I said, "Fine, I see how it is... you hit me with the car and you think you're smart-__ now. Fine." And so I left.

 

I know what's done is done, but honestly if he hit you with a car and had no remorse, I think you should have just left him there an never went back.

 

He did not deserve your consideration or concern, and he certainly does not deserve your friendship.

 

BellaDonna

[ghost69]

I think she explained that pretty well in the post.....

 

I hate the abbreviation "LOL" but "Lol, lol, lol, and lolllllllllllllll"!!!! I did too, but then I read her post.

 

Anyway original poster, he sounds like a user, loser, abuser. Cut him off.

 

okay okay, before ghost gets blasted with more and more replies on 'it's in the post', let me explain something. my point was 'where are you that your ex can hit you with a car?' this pertains to STOP HANGING WITH THE EX. no more parties, no DD for anything, etc. no contact.

 

thank you and good night.

[Jess...]

This is very interesting....

 

I don't mean to turn this around in any way, but I saw this hadn't been asked and I just had to ask it. Why did you let him back the car out drunk in the first place? I'm not trying to blame you or anything of the sort, just wondering why you would let him at the wheel when drunk. Even if its just backing out - he could have taken off, and done anything!

 

I have a guy friend that gets drunk pretty often, and although he's never done anything stupid, or to make me not trust him, I would never let him anywhere near the wheel when intoxicated (especially being MY car!!) - I just wouldn't trust him. Even if it had only been a few beers.