How do I stay close, but give space?

[helifreak]

Hello,

 

I have been reading a little bit and thought I would ask for some help. My girlfriend and I broke up a little less than two weeks ago and needless to say, it really hurts!! We were together for 4 years.

 

Usually, I would say that a break up happens for a reason and you should move on. The reasons we broke up mostly had to do with communication break downs that ultimatley led to ressentment and even less communication (Or honest communication I should say). There were a lot of this is okay and thats okay, but it really wasnt and she didnt want to admit it. I just have this feeling that it doesnt have to be like this, that we could have worked it out.

 

So in the mean time, Im doing my best to move on. Not too fast, but Im not hanging around the house saying my life is over (well, not at much!). Although I do want her back. Here is my problem......

 

When we broke up, she wanted to be friends because I was her best friend. We really did share a strong bond. I told her I dont know how that would work and we would have to wait and see what happens. A few days later, she needs to pick something up from the house so she calls and I dont answer. I wasnt home so she stopped by and got whatever it was. I called her 4 or so hours later to see that she got it (So i could come home and not have to see her). She didnt answer but calls back 5 minutes later saying yes, she got it and BTW, sorry she didnt pick up, shes not trying to avoid my calls.

 

Then, the next day I text her telling her I split up an account and it was taken care of. She text's back saying thank you and how was your day, so and so. I respond saying fine thanks.

 

The next day I call her because she needed to come by that weekend to sign some papers (I had told her I would figure it out and call her with instructions). She calls me back later and works out the details, but hangs on the phone a little longer than normal (like your stalling kind of thing). This whole time I am aloof!

 

The next day, she comes by to pick something up, I give it to her and she gets teary eyed asking for a hug. I hug her and she says she misses her friend. I tell her I miss her too and leave it at that.

 

Then, a break!

 

The following days are the same, a little text message here saying this and that. Then she calls to check in a few days ago and we kind of catch up.

 

Let me sum up my question before this becomes a novel. I feel that she truly loves me and wants to be friends. She constantly reminds me shes not mad or avoiding me. If she doesnt return my call immediately, she apologizes and reassures me its not because she is avoiding me. Now, I dont want to be "friends", at least not right now. I want her back. So.......

 

How do I create some space and let her miss me etc, etc but not act as if I dont want anything to do with her. We still have a few more things to take care of and christmas is coming up soon so we will probably talk then. What do I do if she wants to hang out or if she calls me. I feel like she is contacting me trying to be friends, dropping little text messages here and there mainting contact and showing me she cares. Or she may be trying to hang on to me because she misses me (but doesnt think she wants to be together) I dont want to be rude and ignore her, but I feel that she is genuinly trying to care and be friends. I dont want to let her feel comfortable knowing I am always there, but I dont want her to be driven away, I want to remind her of why she fell in love with me and why we should still be in love.......

 

How do I handle this.....

 

I hope all this makes sense.

 

Thanks

[thekid55]

I think that you are really over-analyzing things. Just be yourself with her. If she does contact with you, be respectful, but try to keep it brief with her. I wouldn't go out of my way to contact her. Sometimes, girls just need space. Whenever people get too close with each other, romance can be lost. If you want to win her back, try to think about the person you were when you first met her. Let her know that you want either all or nothing. I know that you don't want to be just friends, so don't get yourself stuck in the category. Regain the confidence that you had before. Women always tend to judge our actions more than our response.

[helifreak]

Thank you for the advice. I do tend to over analyze things.

 

I have told her that I don't know how to be her friend because I want to be with her, but if in the future she wants to spend some time together and get to know each other again as a couple (basically date), we can do that. then I left it at that.

 

I have already planned to not speak with her for as long as I can. But I really think she will be contacting me again before I contact her. I just want to be able to keep communicating without letting it seem like we are always just friends. Again, I am over analyzing it, but......If I stay in touch with her by taking her calls, would that let on that I am just being friends?

 

I guess I will just play it by ear and see what happens.

[helifreak]

Another thing I am a little confused about is No Contact. Am I making contact if she calls me? I guess that ties into my first post. If she calls me once a week or more often, and I answer or respond, am I breaking the NC rule? If she does call me once a week, I dont want to ignore her and risk her just going away....But I dont know if talking that often will help either..So many questions!

[danlc95]

Sometimes, not saying in your case, but sometimes people use the friend route to make it easier on themselves. Keep those boundaries up.

[thouse]

She wants to be friends then I would treat her just like one of guys(gals), I don't always answer my friends phone calls, and they sometimes don't have priority in my life, and they may not every single thing that is going on in my life. I would treat her like an acquaintance that will intrigue her.