Do you fear that you will not find that strong connection/love again??

[Lovin_Life]

So my story is that I got out of a 6 year relationship in March of this year. He proposed and then decided that he no longer wanted to be together 3 months later. I was devasted! It took me a while but I did get my life back.

 

Since then I have made many changes for the better, such as buying a new house, getting a great job at Intel, and I am now in great shape. Even with several positives in my life, I have a fear of never finding that connection again.

 

I decided to start dating in August and I have met several interesting, kind and successful men, but it just is not the same as it was when I met my ex.

 

I do remember feeling this way after my first high school boyfriend and I broke up, but it was a little different then.

 

So my question to all of you is have you ever felt like the connection you had with your ex was so special that you might not find it again? I would love to hear from people who have felt this and also those of you that did not have this thought/fear.

 

Thank you for your responses!

[love4life]

My answer to you: No, I don't fear not finding it again, because I have found it twice!

 

After the first time, I had that fear but I don't have it anymore. The most important thing to do is to not look for someone to be your ex. Every man you meet will ultimately fail in that challenge.

 

Make sure you know and LOVE who you are and know what you want in life; then find someone who wants the same things. Focus on the positive traits of the person and accept their flaws as part of who they are. It's a package deal and if you love the entire thing, despite of (or because of) the flaws, then you know you've got a keeper!

[fivespot]

Yes, it scares me to death. I met a nice girl after my ex. But I didn't like her, even though I think she liked me. Either she wasn't my type, or I'm not over my ex.

 

The thing is, this girl is probably 100x better looking than my ex. But SHE wasn't my ex. She isn't the one I'm in love with.

 

I guess my first step is to let go of my ex, but I'm so afraid my feelings will never go away, and that they won't allow me to love someone as much as my ex.

[someguy88]

I can relate. Sadly, I've found myself crushing on one of my ex's again. It's crazy because she's not even close to being a recent ex. I feel nothing towards my other ex's but this one woman from so long ago is driving me crazy. I'm having serious doubts about whether or not I'll get that kind of connection with anyone else and it scares me.

[gradle]

i fear it all the time. i think as you grow older, you find that you grow to love, and you don't "fall" in love. but you can still be attracted! and you find that you're just a little more cautious and you know more about what you want.

[fivespot]

I would be interested in hearing stories of someone that broke up with their ex, has a new SO, has been together for a while, and still doesn't feel that connection like that with their ex!

 

Of course, a situation like this certainly isn't fair to the person who's fully invested. I'm sure it's a big reason for breakups and sometimes divorce though.

[Lovin_Life]

It makes me scared also. The crazy thing is that I rationally know that many people find "true" love several times in their lives, but it still feels like I may never find it again. Who knows maybe there are a lot of people who feel this after breaking up with someone they loved, and this is a normal fear.

 

Thanks for the responses thus far, this site is amazingly helpful

[Lovin_Life]

I would be interested in hearing stories of someone that broke up with their ex, has a new SO, has been together for a while, and still doesn't feel that connection like that with their ex!

 

Of course, a situation like this certainly isn't fair to the person who's fully invested. I'm sure it's a big reason for breakups and sometimes divorce though.

 

I also would love to hear some stories.

[Lovin_Life]

i fear it all the time. i think as you grow older, you find that you grow to love, and you don't "fall" in love. but you can still be attracted! and you find that you're just a little more cautious and you know more about what you want.

 

This has been very true for me as I am navigating through the single world again.

[hopefulromantic79]

I also have the fear of not connecting with someone again...I mean, I don't click with a lot of people as it is. But...I think for me I want to focus on finding connections within myself...really develop who I am and become who I want to be. I think when you reach that point, you will attract the right person and won't have to go through this heartache again...I know I don't want to and for me, the answer and solution to that is inside myself.

 

I think that's one of the problems dating seriously in your younger years (unless you have a very strong sense of self) ~ you are still developing who you are and what you stand for. Dating to find out what traits you want in another person is important, but serious relationships will only work if both partners are reasonably stable and secure within themselves. I'm not there yet, so as much as I want another connection or to click with someone again, I know that now is not my time. But it will be one day and I'm willing to wait for it!

[someguy88]

I would be interested in hearing stories of someone that broke up with their ex, has a new SO, has been together for a while, and still doesn't feel that connection like that with their ex!

 

Of course, a situation like this certainly isn't fair to the person who's fully invested. But, things like this must happen. Why else do people break up and divorce so much?

 

 

I've been in so many relationships where I've just been going through the motions, trying to get feelings. It's really no way to live. I mean, some of these women were terrific in so many ways, but I just couldn't connect with them in the same way. To be perfectly honest, I've screwed a lot of women and imagined that they were my ex. It's like an obsession. I was more honest and 'real' with her than anyone else and it's become a blockage for me.

 

I know I've hurt a couple of people because I just couldn't let go of the past. I feel terrible about it, but at the time I was sincerely trying to build a real connection so I can't fault myself for trying.

[frenzie]

I agree. this really scares me as well. I am just in the middle of a break up and still trying to find the strength to let go. What i had with my ex i never thought was even possable. i dated a few girls and never even came close to feeling what i felt for my ex. My ex is a wonderful person and i made many mistake that eventuated in me losing her. Still trying to forgive myself.

[fivespot]

I know I've hurt a couple of people because I just couldn't let go of the past. I feel terrible about it, but at the time I was sincerely trying to build a real connection so I can't fault myself for trying.

 

Well, certainly no one can fault you for trying. I hear this nonsense advice of "just get back out there" WAY too much on here. I realize the people that say it are just trying to help, but when you're not over your ex, "just get back out there and start dating" is the worst advice in the world.

 

My parents even give me this advice. I think they forget how much pain you feel when you breakup with someone you love. In the short term, it makes you feel good that you're getting back out there and trying, rather that collecting dust sitting at home.

 

But at the end of the day, when your heart isn't in it, what's the point???

[itsallgrand]

I'm not scared of that anymore. I feel reasonably "healed" now.

 

Official announcement there.

 

When the pain and some longing and confusion about the ex was still there, yeah, I did fear that a new connection couldn't be found for me.

 

But I think, eventually, you know it's done and there is no comparing. And you don't want to. For me, it was literally this last week where I found myself saying to myself "It's over. Wow. It's done. It's gone. It's past." And a big sigh of relief to really really let it go like that now.

 

Everything forward and new. No comparisons, totally fresh. I think that is when you stop fearing that great strong connections can't happen for you.

 

Even in the phrasing there is evidence of comparison "a strong connection/love again?". ...what's this again?!....it's a new one not a repeat of love...it's going to be something you don't know/different and the only way to be disappointed in that is if you have something else in mind.

 

my 2 cents.

[Hope75]

I had that fear for awhile after a particularly devastating long term breakup. I think it's a normal fear. at least for a little while. You were with someone for 6 years. But that does not mean you won't find happiness or love again.

 

I had two long term relationships ( 5 years, and 2 years) where I thought they were the one, and both ended badly. Afterwards I thought I might just end up alone forever.

 

I met my current guy when I least expected it and had resigned myself to being single indefinitely. We've been together for 5 years now and are getting married in 9 months.

 

Don't give up. What a tragedy it would be to lose all hope of love and happiness after one breakup. Think about people who are married for 10-15-20 years with children who end up divorcing and find love, and even marriage and more children later in life.

 

At 24 you have so much time and potential in front of you, it's almost a certainty that you will find the relationship of your dreams, maybe when you least expect it.

[someguy88]

Well, certainly no one can fault you for trying. I hear this nonsense advice of "just get back out there" WAY too much on here. I realize the people that say it are just trying to help, but when you're not over your ex, "just get back out there and start dating" is the worst advice in the world.

 

My parents even give me this advice. I think they forget how much pain you feel when you breakup with someone you love. In the short term, it makes you feel good that you're getting back out there and trying, rather that collecting dust sitting at home.

 

But at the end of the day, when your heart isn't in it, what's the point???

 

I think you might be assuming that I just went out there two weeks after breaking up and jumped into a relationship. In my case it was years afterwards that I was still missing my ex. What was I supposed to do?...be alone all the time?

[Lovin_Life]

How long were you single before you found your current partner? Also where did you meet? Thanks for your response, it is uplifting to know that the feeling does pass.

[Dako]

It often puzzles me that people fear NOT finding a strong bond after one ends. In my case I feared having it happen again, but it did anyway.

 

In my case, losing love makes me embrace singlehood, but life has other plans.

[fivespot]

I think you might be assuming that I just went out there two weeks after breaking up and jumped into a relationship. In my case it was years afterwards that I was still missing my ex. What was I supposed to do?...be alone all the time?

 

Nah...I wasn't saying you did anything wrong. It's completely normal, I mean you can't force yourself to feel things you don't.

 

I'm just saying when people give this advice about "get over it already, and date other people" I don't think they really know what they are saying.

 

I mean, if you really put in the effort and still had feelings for the ex, what are you supposed to do? People don't take these feelings into consideration when they tell you to move on and get over it, that's all.

[someguy88]

 

I'm just saying when people give this advice about "get over it already, and date other people" I don't think they really know what they are saying.

 

I mean, if you really put in the effort and still had feelings for the ex, what are you supposed to do? People don't take these feelings into consideration when they tell you to move on and get over it, that's all.

 

Oh, my bad. I totally agree with what you're saying. I know I'd hate it if someone where to tell me to just 'get over it'. People can't help the way they feel. If we could control who we fell in love with things would be boring anyway.

[Coyote9]

Make sure you know and LOVE who you are and know what you want in life; then find someone who wants the same things. Focus on the positive traits of the person and accept their flaws as part of who they are. It's a package deal and if you love the entire thing, despite of (or because of) the flaws, then you know you've got a keeper!

 

 

This is wonderful words of wisdom....I have believed several times over the years that I would never find "it" again, and yet I have....although it seems there are longer and longer periods between relationships for me. Our perceptions of the reality of who our ex's are, who we were, and what our relationship was are so very skewed in the months following a bad breakup...it's been 8 months of NC for me and I'm finally seeing her, me and our relationship for what it was....it makes me miss "it" less and I think will eventually make me more available to someone who wants what I want and can share that mutual attraction and love me through my flaws as I can her.

[Up and Down]

 

I'm so afraid my feelings will never go away, and that they won't allow me to love someone as much as my ex.

 

 

I meet a lot of people but have never felt connected to anyone like my ex, including my past girlfriends. So yes its a legitimate concern. I guess time will tell, all I can do is live my life and see what happens.

[Hope75]

 

I was single for almost 2 years (a few casual dating experiences/relationships lasting a few weeks but nothing heart stopping) and had actually (finally!) gotten comfortable in my own skin with my single status when I met my guy.

 

We met online, on a local dating site. When I went to meet him I had no expectations of what might happen, I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I would probably date casually forever until I just got tired of the scene.

 

I knew after my third date with my guy that this was someone I could see myself with long term. Turns out I was right!

 

Please don't lose hope. There are so many good men out there, just like there are good women (like you!).

[Nixee]

I would be interested in hearing stories of someone that broke up with their ex, has a new SO, has been together for a while, and still doesn't feel that connection like that with their ex!

 

Of course, a situation like this certainly isn't fair to the person who's fully invested. I'm sure it's a big reason for breakups and sometimes divorce though.

 

This is exactly my situation

 

I found someone new who is great, but just recently I've begun to realize that I just don't feel that spark in the same way. It didn't bother me at first, because I just thought that, after my ex, that part of me had died.

 

But recently I've started to realize that I DO have the ability to love that deep again. It is a wonderful (and kind of scary for me) thing to realize, but it also makes me very very sad. Now I have to decide if I should move on from my current b/f or not.

 

But still... YES... it IS possible to love again. Someday you may be amazed to wake up and realize how resilient you really are. Your heart is bigger than you know. Your ex won't stop having importance in your heart and your past, but you can find room for someone new and just as (if not MORE so) amazing.

[shell80]

I know it is scary...but I have been in love three times - something I never thought possible as I'm picky as hell! Each time was very different - and perhaps more amazing than the previous. You will find it again - when the timing is right.