He likes me.. he likes me not!??!?

[whymeagian]

Here's my situation:

 

I have a long time friend (and i mean long time... we've known eachother since elementary school!) who has liked me for the last year. He never made a move, so I continued to date other people. He went abroad for a semester nad summer, but we kept in touch and I began to see him in a different light. He came back to town a few days ago, and we planned to hang out while he was here. We hung out and had a great time, so we met up again. The second time I made a move and kissed him, to which he responded. He again came over a few days later and we hung out, and acted very couply and we both seemed very happy.

 

That night we had a "talk", and he told me that he is absolutely crazy about me, but after his first gf in hs, he's had no desire to be in any sort of committed relationship. He doesnt know why, and is very frustrated with himself, but that is just how he feels. He couldnt let me go, and didnt want to leave, but knew that he had stuff to deal with and said at the moment could only offer a situation with no labels and no committment. After being in a friends with benefits situation before, I said I couldnt do it so he left. The next day, I started changing my mind and told him i wanted to talk. He said okay, but wanted to make sure we both thought out what we wanted to say.

 

I dont know what to do, do I go ahead with his no-labels, no-committment situation and hope he changes his mind and it works itself out? do I instigate NC? or do I just pretend none of this ever happened?? I reallly like him and I want something with him. He seemed genuinely confused about his lack of wanting a relationship.

[Batya33]

Sounds incredibly self absorbed to me "I am too hurt to want a relationship but I still want to have someone who will have sex with me so I will ask this woman who clearly wants a commitment from me if she'll settle for sexual scraps - she probably will because she wants me so badly and that way I can get off with no strings attached."

 

If he was that "hurt" he wouldn't want the intimacy of sex with a friend - if he wanted sex that badly he'd find a one night stand. He just doesn't want you badly enough to make a commitment so he's offering you leftovers. Don't take it personally but don't buy the b.s. "I'm confused and still hurt" crap.

[whymeagian]

He's never had sex with anyone, and I dont think sex would be part of this fwb situation. When I First made a move on him, he was INCREDIBLY respectful of me and my body, so I dont believe he's just trying to get a sexual relationship out of this.

[Batya33]

I completely disagree - whether he wants sex or hooking up, whatever - i stand by my original post.

 

But, it sounds like you're willing to settle for his offer - and if you do, and you fall for him remember he was honest from the beginning that he did not want a relationship with you.

[annie24]

he's not into you enough to try to deal with his issues of hurt and anger, EVEN THOUGH he has known you for years, and he should know you well enough by now to know you wouldn't rip his heart and out and stomp all over it. i think you should move on, you can stay friends, but no romance, nothing in between, nothing of that sort. just move on, date others, and if this guy finally gets it together, he knows where to find you.

[someguy88]

He sounds like he's insecure and he wants you to take the initiative, but not by the means of words, rather actions. If you're into him then pursue him. I think he'll fall into your arms if you're willing to put in some effort and put yourself out there a little more than usual.

[Batya33]

I disagree. He told her exactly how he feels - he is not insecure at all about her interest level - in fact, he is so secure about it that he believes she'll settle for hanging out and hooking up even though she wants more. if she pursues him she'll just get into his bed faster, that's all.

[annie24]

i think when you meet someone you really like and you want to be with them, you don't want to risk losing them by saying, 'i am too scared, i can't offer you more than this....' now, if someone had a recent breakup, they might say, 'i want to take things slow, but i'd like to date you.' i think if you like someone and want to be with them, you'll make it work, even if you have to go slow. he doesn't sound like he has a high interest level.

[breath.o.fresh.air]

I personally think it could be either scenario, but the OP knows him best so, depending on how his self-esteem, etc is should be able to tell. I'm with Batya on this one though, I think it should be an "all-or-nothing" call. FWB just leads to heartbreak when he falls for someone else bc your "just a friend."

[whymeagian]

Lol.. I agree with a possible lack of interest.. or at least lack of interest to the point where he isnt interested in wanting more with me.

 

I do disagree however on his desire to get in my pants. I know I'm totally irresistably hot, but I dont believe that every guy wants in my pants. Sometimes, it is and sometimes its not (ive experienced both). In this case, knowing him and the situation I would know better what the case is- and its just not that.

[whymeagian]

Yea, Batya is probably right on the no middle ground. Been there, done that and it has yet to work in my favor

[annie24]

yeah, but if you agree to this "arrangement", then you are stuck in a limbo where you are not together, but you can't meet other guys, and you are waiting for him to ..... what? realize that you are a great fabulous sexy woman? if he hasn't realized after 10 years or however much of knowing you and that losing you would be the biggest mistake of his life, then i just don't think he'll come to that conclusion.

 

i think he just might though, if you move on, don't wait for him, and start dating other men. if he sees you really are moving forward, then he might snap out of his funk and realize he wants to be with you. If you sit and wait for him while he is "deep in thought about relationship", you will be wasting your time, and he has no incentive to get his act together.

 

i dunno - maybe he does need a push, like someguy said - i would just say, 'hey - i like you, i want to date you, i am great, and i'm not going to mess with your heart. but, if you can't give me a real relationship, then i will move on and meet a guy who can give me that.'

[Batya33]

Lol.. I agree with a possible lack of interest.. or at least lack of interest to the point where he isnt interested in wanting more with me.

 

I do disagree however on his desire to get in my pants. I know I'm totally irresistably hot, but I dont believe that every guy wants in my pants. Sometimes, it is and sometimes its not (ive experienced both). In this case, knowing him and the situation I would know better what the case is- and its just not that.

 

I agree with Annie24. Basically, he wants to be able to hang out with you, hook up if he feels like it with the understanding that the two of you are not a couple - he is not going to introduce you as his girlfriend, he can go and hook up with other girls whenever he wants, he won't want to be introduced as your boyfriend, etc.

 

It all depends - if you want someone who is interested in a relationship with you or exploring a potential relationship - this is not the guy. But be very honest with yourself and understand that this is all about him - if he were truly your friend he would not be offering this because he would know that you wanted more and he would not want to offend you by offering you these scraps.

[servedcold]

Reverse the genders here, and assume the OP were male, a woman gave this talk and offered to start a "no labels, no commitment" relationship with the guy, would you all judge her so quickly as self-absorbed? I doubt it...

 

OP made a move on the guy, NOT the other way around, so he has no reason to disclose anything about his feelings, if he were in it for sex only, he could just keep his mout shut, play his cards right and get whatever he wanted, probably sooner than later.

 

Instead, he is, perish the thought, HONEST with her about his feelings, and ends up getting skewered as a self-absorbed jerk here...

 

...is that what you ladies really want from a man? OP, this guy is being real with you when he doesn't have to be. He could just keep quiet and let the chips fall where they may. Instead, he has opened up to you in a way that he knows could drive you off instead of hanging out and using you, and he is doing it BEFORE sleeping with you. I think the dude has some valuable integrity in his court.

 

Admittedly, he does sound baggagey, but sometimes we can't help that in life. I wouldn't write him off as easily as you are being advised to here. Best wishes.

[Batya33]

Oh I think it's nice that he is being honest but he is doing it for himself not for her - he wants to have the freedom to see her casually where he doesn't have to feel he is leading her on as to more.Someone can be honest and also self-absorbed or tactless as in "You look fat, I just wanted to be honest with you."

 

And yes it would have also been wrong if he lied and said he did want to get serious when he just wanted this casual arrangement.

 

The alternative would have been to say "since you want something serious and I don't let's just keep this as a friendship." That would be honest and caring too.

I would say the exact same thing if the genders were reversed.

[annie24]

yes, actually, i would give the same advice to a man. if they were friends for 10 years, and then she told him "i had a bad breakup, i don't know where my head is at, i can't offer you a relationship," i would tell the guy to look elsewhere if he wants a relationship. In fact, i know i've been asked this question by a man, and that's what i said.

 

i'm not coming down on the guy, i think it's great that he is honest that he can't offer her a relationship. if she goes for it, and gets hurt though, it's pretty much her own doing, as he was honest and upfront.

[servedcold]

Will try putting it another way.

 

It takes immense willpower for a young man, upon becoming aware that a woman he may have wanted all his life is definitely sexually interested in him, to step up and disclose that he may not be emotionally available for a relationship, when in the alternative, he could keep his mouth shut, and score effortlessly...

 

Really, think about this. She initiated things physically. Most guys that age would sit back, shut up, and let things progress naturally without screwing it up with honest disclosure. At that age and maturity level, I would have banged her already, and I was a pretty decent kid, but c'mon, boys are boys...

 

The young man is showing some true character and emotional maturity IMO. If my teenaged son told me this story from the guy's perspective my jaw would drop and I'd be one proud father.

 

C'mon batya and annie, i respect your opinions, but reconsider with genders reversed, "My childhood girlfriend and I have been getting closer lately. I kissed her and she responded. Later, she said that because of prior baggage, she isn't interested in a relationship at the moment, but because she is crazy about me, she would be willing to proceed with me provided I understood that she may not be willing to commit, and may not want to label us as BF/GF."

 

Copy and paste this and tell me this necessarily describes a self-absorbed young woman... what it describes is the communication foundation necessary to form a loving relationship over time.

[Batya33]

It is self absorbed of a person who wants only a casual arrangement focused on hooking up to suggest that to a person who very clearly wants more. It is more self absorbed to lie about intentions just to "get some." Just my opinion. It also would have been different if he said "Eventually I want us to be serious but I want to take things slowly for now and not date exclusively just yet"

[annie24]

i never called him self absorbed, i don't think he is the bad guy, and i agree, definitely a guy who is honest and trying to get in touch with himself. however, i would still tell the hypothetical guy in your situation that if he is looking for a relationship, then he shouldn't wait, as she still sounds iffy about him.

 

I don't know how old the OP is, if she wants to have children soon, i wouldn't wait around for this guy.

 

but as for a "communication foundation" - they've been childhood friends, don't they already know each other well enough? it would be one thing if they just met, but he's known her for a LONG time.

 

if OP is ok with a "quasi-relationship" and if she won't hold it against him that she can't offer him more, than that is ok. i'm afraid that she will "settle" for whatever he gives her, and then she will become resentful with him over time for not giving her more, even if she agreed to the deal. it just seems like it is dangerous walking into a situation where one person clearly feels stronger than the other.

[someguy88]

I disagree. He told her exactly how he feels - he is not insecure at all about her interest level - in fact, he is so secure about it that he believes she'll settle for hanging out and hooking up even though she wants more. if she pursues him she'll just get into his bed faster, that's all.

 

Just because he told her how he feels about his interest level doesn't make him secure. He could've said those things in hopes that the feelings were reciprocated and maybe he's so insecure that he doesn't believe that she really wants him and he's afraid of letting go of himself with her...who knows? It could be a variety of things.

[servedcold]

It is self absorbed of a person who wants only a casual arrangement focused on hooking up...

 

Where on earth are you getting this part that he only wants to hook up? Did I miss something in OP's posts? She even said he was respectful of her physically and that she doesn't think he just wants to hook up. SHE KISSED HIM, lolz! We have no indication whatsoever that he has ever initiated a physical move on her.

 

More info needed please, OP, I'm confused.

[annie24]

i didn't get the impression he just wanted to hook up and fool around either, but maybe i didn't read it carefully enough. he just sounded too wishy washy for my tastes though.

 

the thing is, he never promised that she would be the one he would run to once he straightens out his head. it has happened many times where one person is waiting for the other to get things together, and then they go off with a totally different person once they do get their lives on track. he also never gave her a timeline - how long would it take him to be ready for a relationship? 2 weeks? 6 months? 4 years? anywhere in between? i would not feel comfortable with that kind of uncertainty in my love life. i deal with that uncertainty with certain projects in my career, but i wouldn't be ok with it in my love life.

[whymeagian]

Haha... what a debate!

 

Okay, to give more background... I am 21 years old, in college right now (he is the same)- so no babies or anything now.. haha. In fact, we're both graduating and moving away from college in august (both applying to med schools) so there is a good chance IF anything happened, it wouldnt continue past then because it would have to be a long distance relationship for 6 years or so (unless we developed and amazing relationship and connection that would allow otherwise)

 

We've "known" eachother a long time, but only became good friends in the last year or so when I recognized him in a class and we started talking/hanging out again. I knew right off the bat he had feelings for me- this based on how he treated me and from the way he got jealous of other guys I was seeing at the time. For example, valentines day.. he knew I wasnt seeing anyone and was a little sad about it so he offered to be my valentine. I thought he was joking so I said okay, but the day of he took me out with friends and actually got me a card and candy which i thought was incredibly sweet. I befriended his close friend, who through abundant hinting made it clear his friend was interested.

 

I however had started seeing someone else, and through my own fault failed to see the great guy I had in front of me. He went abroad at the end of the semester (May) and just returned a month ago. While he was gone, we kept in touch and I began to see the great guy I had in front of me. He came back up to our college town to look for an apt, and he asked me to help him out.

 

We've hung out a total of three times since he came back. The first time nothing happened- we just looked for apts, had lunch and caught up. The second time we hung out we again ate and looked for apts. We came back to my place to watch tv and at this point I made a move ( I kissed him). He responded (kissed me back) and we cuddled the rest of the evening. He didnt wnat to leave, but eventually had to get back to his friends place (the one who had hinted to me) where he was staying. He didnt want his friend knowing what was going on, he said because it was too early nad left.

 

A few days later, he's driving home from an errand and he calls. We talk on his way back and he asks if I have time to hang out. I agree, and he comes over. He doesnt make any move to get physical at all, and I have to instigate it with him again. He responds, and we end up opening up to eachother a little bit.

 

He admits to me that this is a very difficult situation for him. He really cares about me (always has) and had no idea I felt the way I did, and it has taken him by surprise. He tells me that he had a hard breakup and hasnt wanted anything serious since then, to the point where his mom offered him therapy to talk it out. While he was abroad, he had a string of hookups which he was very ashamed of- and indeed mislead a girl into believing he wanted more for awhile. He told me he really cares about me and respects me, and cant do that to me, even though its very tempting for him to do. He told me most guys would just keep there mouths shut, but he cares about me a lot and thats why he cant lie to me. He really wants to feel otherwise, but he doesnt know what he wants and its very hard for him to deal with his old feelings.

 

He asks why I want a serious relationship and what it means to me, and I tel him and he asks why we cant have a no-label, no-committment situation. He says he really cares about me and wants to be with me, but he just cant deal with his old feelings right now to give me what I want. I begin to tell him how badly my last "fwb situation" went, and he feels horrible and says for my sake I shouldnt go along with what he wants. He asks that we stay friends, and things dont get weird ... I tell him if he changes his mind I'd be okay with that.

 

I ask him if we can talk in person again the next day (after considering what he asked for), and he agrees we should talk, but only after thinking what we want to say to eachother through. He left back home, and will be returning back to college after winter break, at which point I think we'll meet up and talk.

 

I know he is very inexperienced with the physical, and at least wtih me was INCREDIBLY respectful... let me control what was going on and made no move to push me whatsoever. This is why I believe his intent is not to get a sexual relationship out of our situation. Maybe a physical one (kissing, cuddling) but I dont believe more than that.

 

 

So... that is the complete situation.. start to finish!

[rockr]

wow , tough luck here. both of you want different things. relationships are meant to start of beautifully and ease and not with drama and talks about serious relationship. the only good thing in this is that both of you have explained clearly to one another what you need. its not going to work one sided.

 

when he says he is not over his hs gf , either he is bull * * * * ting you or has some issues in the mind.

you shouldn't be dating this one , friends if you want to.

[Batya33]

First of all many of the best relationships start off bumpy for a variety of reasons and it makes for a great story later. A friend of mine, happily married for 15 years, was "dumped" midway through dating because he was in his early 20s and confused about what he wanted, particularly because he was the main caretaker for parents who were unwell. He returned 6 months later, begged for another chance, she agreed and they got engaged 6 months later.

 

Second, I understand he doesn't just want to hook up physically. I still find it self absorbed that he is trying to convince you to be with him without any commitment, and that he's playing all those "word games" and claiming that it's just a "label." You told him how you felt and he should respect that just how he wants you to respect his feelings.

 

I still don't buy all his analysis - if he were that into you he would choose you over the fear he describes and take the plunge.