Platonic relationships

[Songstokillthepain]

Okay, I know that there have been many threads on many websites about whether or not there is such a thing as a platonic relationship, but thinking about this lately has sparked my curiosity.

 

In my opinion, it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, but, I don't believe it is truly platonic unless both persons are not attracted to each other.

 

I also think that friendships like these aren't often the case.

 

I know that alot of people will say that is possible. That they have had friends of the opposite sex since they were young and they are like brother\sister and I don't disagree exactly. I think that it is much more likely that a man/woman friendship developed during ones younger years will be successfuly platonic than, lets say, someone you meet at work when you're either an adult or a young adult.

 

From what I've seen, it is often the man who is attracted to the woman but the woman makes it clear that she only wants friendship so the man keeps his feelings secret.

 

Over time he either suffers because he is afraid to reveal his feelings and damage the friendship or he does reveal them and is heart broken or he reveals them and discovers the female to feel the same.

 

It could happen differently but the above example is a likely scenario.

 

My problem: Is it easy to have a platonic relationship? Do you have to be careful not to cross the line? I would love to hear some detailed opinions... Are there people out there that don't think it's possible? if yes.. why not?

 

I suppose my question is that although many people claim to have platonic relationships with friends of the opposite sex, how many of those people have a TRULY plutonic relationship?

 

I have never found a platonic friendship with a girl, either because I liked her or she liked me and it came to conflict. And I don't want a friendship with a girl where either I have to suppress feelings or she does. Is it really possible to have a truly platonic relationship where the are and have never been any romantic or sexual interest from either person?

 

Plato, Socrates and Aristotle shared more or less a similar opinion on this matter and Aristotle decided to make it clear in his Nicomachean (Nico of Machean) Ethics. It amazes me how observations from four centuries before Christ in a unique microculture of Greece are so applicable in today's world. Especially given the focus of Philosophers of the time ... so grounded in logic and concerned with science.

 

Anyway Aristotle who I imagine gave it far more logical thought in the context of ethics and the behaviors of his fellow men / women than any of us concluded that men and women can not be friends unless unified by (the friendship) of marriage.

 

For him friendship type III is true friendship for the sake of the friend or the friendship itself (void of any shelfish motive) and in this bond men and women only exist as (husband and wife) lovers. Otherwise he felt that friendships between men and women were of type I (for profit or gain) or of type II (by commonality of community such as living on the same street or belonging to enotalone).

 

Nicomachean Ethics book - incase you want to check for yourself or are just interested.

[renaissancewoman101]

I believe people can have platonic friendships with the opposite sex. There is more to life than just sexual attraction. Sometimes people share the same hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc., but no sexual attraction and they are friends. Or maybe if there was sexual attraction on one end, it went no where and the guy/girl was able to overcome it and stay friends. It's not hard. It just depends on what you want. Kind of like how people say ex's can NOT be friends. That's not true either. It really depends on both parties and what they want and what they share.

 

Life is not that complicated.

[Batya33]

I think it can work even with a level of attraction - it just has to be the case that the level of attraction is low enough so as not to interfere with the friendship or make things uncomfortable. My life is so much richer because of my friends, both female and male.

[Songstokillthepain]

Sounds about right, I guess not everyone is compatable for platonic relationships. It's the same thing as any other relationship, maybe it's because I've never had one, well I had one when I was young but nolonger.

 

The reason I ask is because my girlfriend has been making guy friends at work and they are all interested in more than just friendship.

 

It started off one guy 'just wanted to be friends' fell for her, and now he's not even her friend. then another one did the same thing. and now the friend of the other two is there being a real nice guy who wants nothing more than friendship.

 

It is true what you say that both parties need to want the same thing but sometimes it just doesn't work.

 

I can't say most of the time it doesn't work because perhaps I've just never met people who have platonic relationships.

 

I would like to know though! please post your stories people!

[Songstokillthepain]

Are you close friends?

 

like supper and a movie together?

 

or like coffee and catch up once in a while?

 

My ex girlfriend had some 'platonic' friends for years before I met her and when we broke up he made his move, I knew he liked her and she always said he didn't. she was oblivious to it!

[renaissancewoman101]

Are you close friends?

 

like supper and a movie together?

 

or like coffee and catch up once in a while?

 

My ex girlfriend had some 'platonic' friends for years before I met her and when we broke up he made his move, I knew he liked her and she always said he didn't. she was oblivious to it!

 

My first ex and I are very close friends. I hang out with him and his bf most weekends and when his bf goes on business trips, I will hang out with him alone and go out to dinner. His bf doesn't usually object. We also yak on the phone most every day.

 

To me, being able to be friends with people of the opposite sex, shows maturity and a sense of the friendship bond being an important part of one's life.

[Batya33]

]Are you close friends? yes, with some - has been more in the past

 

like supper and a movie together? sure, sometimes or sometimes coffee, etc.

 

 

the person who has feelings simply needs to decide whether she/he can deal with them on her own and not let it distract the friendship. I did that successfully in one friendship until those feelings faded completely.

 

one of my friends - no feelings on either side as far as I can tell from his side but he did many years ago.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with Batya, if one works on it and realizes that they want more the friendship, then one can have the self-control to not act on those feelings and eventually they do fade away.

 

People don't always act on their attraction to another person.

[Songstokillthepain]

I agree with you renaissancewoman101. I haven't made any new friends in years and I don't have any female friends.

 

Have you had a friendship turn into something more before? or less because one person wanted more? and would you stay friends with a person if you knew that they wanted to be with you but never you with them?

[renaissancewoman101]

Have you had a friendship turn into something more before? or less because one person wanted more? and would you stay friends with a person if you knew that they wanted to be with you but never you with them?

 

Songs, not exactly, most of my relationships started off with a guy being attracted to me, or someone setting us up on a date, or me being attracted to someone. But then, I haven't been in that many relationships, like maybe two long term ones.

 

And I would stay friends with a guy if I wasn't into them and they wanted more from me, but it would depend on whether the guy acted on his desires or not. If he acted on his desires constantly and badgered me to be more than a friend when I didn;t want that, then I might have to rethink the friendship.

 

I think ultimately, it comes down to how much you care about the other person and respect them, because that will determine how you act around them. If they tell you they don't want a relaitonship with you, only a friendship, and you push for a relationship constantly, then you are disrespecting them and not a good friend, and are being selfish.

[Batya33]

Have you had a friendship turn into something more before? Yes definitely. or less because one person wanted more? Yes definitely. and would you stay friends with a person if you knew that they wanted to be with you but never you with them? It would depend how I knew - if I knew because he asked me out I would say no and say that I would like to continue the friendship (if I did) if he felt comfortable doing so and then I would see how it went. If I sensed he was interested in me it would depend if it created awkwardness for us.

[someguy88]

I think it can work even with a level of attraction - it just has to be the case that the level of attraction is low enough so as not to interfere with the friendship or make things uncomfortable. My life is so much richer because of my friends, both female and male.

 

I fully agree. I'm very good friends with a few women that I'm attracted to. One in particular I shouldn't be attracted to at all because she's married to another good friend, but there's undoubtedly an attraction that goes both ways. The thing is, we both know we're attracted to one another, but we also know that the attraction isn't something we'd ever act on because it's not strong enough to risk our friendship or all the drama that pursuing one another would cause. Also, I know that she's attracted to her husband more than I.

[Songstokillthepain]

yeah.. you know. your replies have made me see it in a different light

 

You're right, life is just not that complicated.

 

Everyone keep posting though! I still want to know what you guys think!

[Songstokillthepain]

someguy - Can you think of any possible circumstances where you and your friends wife might act upon your mutual attraction? Anything?

 

- Considering that she is your friends wife, I assume you would avoid those circumstances. - If she were not married to your friend, would you cross the friendship line?

 

Anyone heard of the ladder theory?

[someguy88]

someguy - Can you think of any possible circumstances where you and your friends wife might act upon your mutual attraction? Anything?

 

God forbid, if my friend died I could see something happening. Other than that I'd NEVER act on our mutual attraction and I just know that she wouldn't either. I have too much love and respect for my friend to do anything with his wife. Even if they split nothing would ever happen. Sometimes I feel a wee bit awkward when my friend goes on about how highly his wife thinks of me, but I know that she thinks even more of her husband. She's just a really loving and wonderful person.

[Songstokillthepain]

Yes there are some people who are so great that most people who meet them love them!