Please leave your trying-to-convince-me-not-to at the door.

[i_am_me]

Hey everyone! I, um, well I want to kill myself. I used to think about it a lot out of anger and stress. But it's different now. I seriously just want to die. I honestly believe I've lived my life to the fullest. I want more, though. My parents and the government just keep getting in the way. I want to be free. I feel like I'm locked up. I don't expect anyone to understand. And I know everyone on here is just going to tell me not to do it. But that's not what I want to hear. I'm just sick of everything. I want to be able to control myself and I'm so frustrated that people are holding me back. My mom believes she controls every * * * * ing aspect of my life. If that were the way it was supposed to be, why would I be able to control MYSELF (physically and mentally). I'm just done. IT's as if everywhere I turn, no one is there to help me. Everything is filled with "I'll talk to you later about it"'s or "You're not serious"'s or "It will pass"'s. But it won't. I'm just so sad. I'm hurt. I'm done.

 

So anyway. I know you're not allowed to give any advice towards committing suicide, but seeing as how I'm going to do it anyways, it would be nice if you could please let me know of a way that won't be possible to undo.

 

I know it's over. The other day I was going past a cemetery and I felt suddenly overwhelmed with how good it would feel to die. To be free and done with it all. I wanted to die right then and there (granted I was high but still, I smoke a lot and I've never felt this way).

 

I don't like the person I'm becoming.

 

I've been living a day-to-day life. Living in the moment. Not letting anything get me down and everything bad that happened would turn out okay in the end. I would do what I felt like. If I thought something, I would say it. I was confidence-filled, finally, which took me forever to achieve.

 

Well, now I am slowly going back to my old depressed, hate-filled self and I can't stand to watch it.

 

I'm sorry I'm kind of all over the place but I don't know.

 

Feel free to PM me.

 

Peace out to all,

ME

[toshiba]

You said you didn't want convincing not to end it. You said you want ways that aren't possible to undo. I'm sure you know of ways that aren't possible to undo...anyone can come up with those. Killing oneself isn't that hard to do.

 

 

Sounds to me though like that's not what you really want. Because if you did, you wouldn't be asking obvious questions like that. What is it that you REALLY want?

 

It also sounds like you have mood swings. Have you ever gotten treated for them? Maybe others wouldnt treat them so lightly if you had a diagnosis for them. And there may be help with medication and counseling as well.

[i_am_me]

thank you toshiba.

 

 

I don't have mood swings though. It's very hard to explain what I'm trying to say lol.

 

I've been working for a looooooong time at making myself look at life better. And it did for a couple of months.

But lately, these past few days, it's been getting bad again.

 

As for the ways to do it, if I'm going to I want it to be a sure thing. I don't want to end up in a hospital in a lot of pain or something stupid like that because of a mistake. That's why I was asking for advice on that.

[tommy_bud]

Might I offer this random information, which only comes with a bit more age and experience. Please don't think I'm just chalking this up to the fact that you are young and blowing it off as that, but the period you are in right now is linked to age.

 

Life can be so confusing and tramatic at your age as you are tugged and pulled from all directions from various angles be it your friends, parents, religious figures, government, teachers, peers. It is during this period of time that you start to see that life is much more complicated then you ever thought it was going to be. This is a time when you are between people trying to control your life and mold you into what they think you should be, and at the same time you want to do your own thing and develop yourself as a person without all these outside influences.

 

You know, you aren't nearly alone at all in your thought processes. Out of my group of friends back in high school, a good 3 or 4 of them considered themselves suicidal and talked about this kind of stuff a lot. I went through an odd period myself where I had dreams of ending it all, and I even submitted some creative writing outlining these ideas. My teacher had a discussion with me and told me that it is really hard to respond to these types of creative writings because he reads lots of this type of stuff. Occasionally the person was really in trouble, but almost all the time it was just the person thinking about the idea and developing thoughts on it. You are not alone in this!

 

I think what I'm trying to say is that, over time, you will come to see that a lot of these problems you have actually have workable solutions and that things actually turn out a lot better then you think!

 

I also think that if you are really getting serious it would be really healthy to talk to a professional, they truly are on your side and can help you realize that you can get better.

 

Oh yea, and, again with the passage of time thing. During these rough moments when these awful negative thoughts enter your mind, you need to try and step back from yourself and hold on to something positive. Like a panic attack, while the end seems inevitable at the time, if you just ride out the storm it will eventually get back to calm waters again

[Killasasparilla]

You're a bit young, you probably don't feel free right now because... You aren't.

Wait till you move out.

[Atticus90]

If you don't want us to convince you, then why did you post this thread?

Killing yourself wont solve any of your problems

I hope you do the right thing

[i_am_me]

tommy_bud, Thank you for replying. I guess I know that my problems will eventually work out but more keep coming. It's never ending. Ya know?

 

Killasasparilla, Oh believe me I know I'm not free! ha but even when I move out, I'm scared. I will have to pay for everything by myself and responsible for myself. It's a lose-lose situation I guess. And even when I am older I'm still held back by laws and that * * * * .

 

Atiicus90, I posted this thread because, I dunno. Perhaps I just wanted reassurance that everything does change, not necessarily for better or worse, just different and I wanted to know that I'm not alone maybe.

 

Thank you guys.

 

I just don't know. I feel so frustrated, not necessarily angry at all, though.

[Nixee]

You're a bit young, you probably don't feel free right now because... You aren't.

Wait till you move out.

 

Killasasparilla says it so simply, but he is absolutely right.

 

 

I'm really sorry you feel like you are at your wit's end (or even your life's end for that matter...). I know you said to spare you the "don't do it"s... but I don't feel I can comment without just being 100% honest with you, so here it is: your life will change if you let it and if you give it time. Perspective is everything.

 

If that is you in your avatar, you are a very lovely girl, and I have no doubt you have a lot of things waiting for you that you don't even know about yet. I hope you have a change of heart and decide to find out what they are.

[Nixee]

 

I just don't know. I feel so frustrated, not necessarily angry at all, though.

 

I've felt that way soooo many times! Still do sometimes. But, that is balance. You can't have good without bad.

 

And I know how scary it can be to face freedom and being on your own, even if you think you want it. I am 28 years old, and I'm still scared of being on my own sometimes, but I'm also proud of it. And I hate a lot of laws and rules and other things that hold me back or make life more difficult, or more expensive. But when you are able to pry yourself away from the negatives, there are so many positives to be found. I don't care if that sounds cheesy, because it is true.

 

I actually wanted to give up on life when I was only 14. I am twice that age now and a LOT has happened in the last 14 years. Memories that I wouldn't give up for the world.

 

Ending life... well.... you won't regret it, but you won't love it either. You just wont BE.

Continuing living... you may feel you regret it at times, but you also have the even bigger potential to be so glad you are still alive. The potential to appreciate things.

 

I hope you feel better

[JadedStar]

You are not alone and the feelings you are having now will change.

 

I cannot tell you how much i hated my life at your age. I wanted freedom somedays, wanted to die others....

 

I am very glad i didn't die I_am_me.

[pilotgirl]

There is something about that age...15-19 really, where life seems to be a crushing weight. There is uncertainty about the future, feelings of failure, of not knowing what you are supposed to do or become. Add in a good shot of self-loathing and disgust at parents and teachers, and a flooding torrent of horomones and suicide seems like the logical path toward relief of the pressures.

 

It makes sense, in fact it can seem like the ONLY thing that makes sense. It seems like a way of relieving your burden and relieving the world of the burden of YOU.

 

Trust me when I say that all of those things that I listed above work themselves out. You plow through these years and then it's as if your mind catches up and is able to accept the burdens that it can, and disregard the things it cannot. Right now you are carrying everything. In a few years you can remove yourself from situations where you feel oppressed and trapped.

 

Sure it seems scary to think about being on your own and paying for everything, but earning money to pay bills =independence. That freedom lets you be who you want to be, not who everyone else wants you to be. That's when you start to build self confidence and become who YOU want to be. Right now you are still required to be who your parents/teachers want you to be, and the struggle to be free in your mind is just your spirit saying, hey, I'm ready to fly on my own now.

 

I know you said you made up your mind, but if you could look into the future and see that your thought processes will totally change in the coming years.....what if you really are different and happier then? Would you still deny yourself that chance?

 

I look back and say, thank goodness I didn't. It gets better. It gets easier and I wouldn't want to be 16 again for anything if it meant having the hopeless mindset I had then. Also, I took no meds, no therapy, no nothing. I just plowed through with not even a friend to talk to. And things worked out, and I am fine.

 

I hope you will be too.

[i_am_me]

Thanks pilotgirl. You are right. I thought I'd gotten past that stage and now I feel like I'm falling right back into it. I don't like the person I become when I get angry (when my mom is being unfair) so I try my hardest not to lose control and just let the problem slide away until I'm calm enough to deal with it.

 

I finally have more friends because I started to just be myself and talk to people. I've come a long way from what I was, even last year. I don't want to slip back.

 

I don't take meds (one of my mother's strong beliefs to which I agree, to an extent) either. Never have. I tried therapy. HA! I got so upset with the woman because she acted as if she knew how I felt, which she didn't. I can't stand therapists who didn't go through what I did and then pretend they can help you.

 

I've been indestructible these past few months. Nothing could bring me down. And I would love, more than anything, to keep it that way!