Back with the ex, but now Im thinking of breaking up

[RedBranchKnight]

Hey guys, posting this hear as I think its more apt than any other forum, but feel free to move it if you want...

 

Ill keep this as short as I can. My girlfriend has broke up with me twice in the past and both times after bout 6-8 weeks she has come back to me because she realised she missed me, wanted to give it another shot, etc (wont get into detail to prevent this being a super long thread). Anyway, last week we got back together again (3rd time going out).

 

My problem is, I just dont trust her very much and as such, Im finding it hard to love her, but at the same time Im delighted we're back together. Things that are bothering me are I dont trust her level of commitment. Meaning I keep thinking she'll turn around and say "Sorry, was just confused, unsure of what I wanted. I made a mistake getting back with you". Also, its been over a week now and her relationship status on Bebo is still at 'Single'. She also seems to be acting distant the last while. We havnt seen each other since last Thursday because of assignments and so on, but when we were together we got on brilliantly. In fact, she nearly had teary eyes when we got back together on Wednesday... Lastly, when we got back together last time, I remember I felt the exact same as now; not trusting her commitment and thinking it would end after a couple weeks, but it didnt. We havnt had a proper talk about 'us' and our future and past and so on, she just asked if Id take her and I asked how long she felt that way and agreed, and all was well. She just seems really 'distant' the last few days when we text or talk on the phone.

 

Please, I need others opinions on this because I dont want to make a rash decision Ill regret. Should we have a talk about the relationship and our feelings, should I just follow my gut and end things, am I being over-apprehensive about things (thinking she'll change her mind soon, etc), are these feelings of mis-trust normal and will pass? I really have strong feelings for her and would love for it to work if we can make it.

 

Sorry about the questions, but would really like other peoples opinions or experience, really messed up at the moment and have exams in 5 weeks, which is why I want this resolved rather than letting it play out its course. We're going out 16 months altogether and are both in our early 20's

 

Thanks

[NO1GR8r]

I have been where you are before. Only difference is - after almost 10 years - we were going to get married and she called it off to because she "didn't want to have to answer to anyone..." Then she wanted to get back together - get this - on the day and date we were to get married. I was blown away. I told her that I did not trust her with my emotions. And that is the bottom line. Nothing more - nothing less. You can figure this one out for yourself. I am not going to tell you what to do or not...just do what is in you to do.

[havefaith]

I wish I knew what to tell you ... unfortunately I am more or less in the same boat.

 

2+ years of a wonderful relationship, one day he gets scared and runs. The next day we get back, a week later he's unsure again, then the next day we decide to take things slow. 4 months later here I am still with him uninterrupted, but I can't help but feel paranoid sometimes, like he's going to pull the rug out from under me...

 

I'm afraid to be in love with him really.

 

I don't know what the answer is, I hope someone around here has something to offer you. I just wanted you to know I am out here identifying with you and wishing you the best with going with your gut but listening to your head.

[bar35]

IMHO i find that when trust is broken it is just about impossible to get it back. I think that your instincts are right on this. Unfortunately the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, not what a person says.

 

I am going to give you some of my experience to illustrated a point, not because I am going to bleed on your post.

 

I went back and forth with a girl once, god i don't even know how many times, and finally i had the strength to get myself out of it. The first time that we broke up I immediately went NC, she came back then it was back and forth, back and forth for about a year. Yuck. It makes me sick, but thank god its over.

 

The next relationship that I had, of significance is the one that landed me back here again, and we had a back and forth that was almost identical to the previous one. She breaks it off with me, I go NC immediately, then we spend all of this time together and then it ends completely about 4 months after that.

 

The point is that I feel that if we are going to do the "Its over" thing, well then its over. I think that breaking up is just as bad, maybe more damaging to a relationship than cheating. How is it possible to stabilize after either of these expressions of broken commitment have been violated? Maybe once with the breakup thing, maybe, but I find it really difficult to resolve in my mind because if that is their answer NOW to their personal misgivings I believe that is going to be their answer in the future to personal misgivings unless they learn how to communicate, or sort out their feelings much more thoroughly.

 

Figure out what you want from this relationship. If it is short term gratification go for it. If it is long term reliability, well I think you know the answer to that one. Just call it what it is, treat as such, and you'll be better off. All easier said than done but hey, making choices is a thousand times better than allowing those choices to be made for us, heck its a MILLION times better.

[RedBranchKnight]

Thanks for the replies guys. Their very helpful.

 

The thing is that although I dont really trust her and I dont even believe the relatioship will last long because as highly as I regard her, I was thinking today, and she seems like a person who just immediately looks for the fast answer to a problem (ie. breaking up immediately with little-to-no warning rather than trying to work on things). I still have strong feelings for her though and now that Im back with her I know Ill regret it for ages if I dont make the absolute most of this chance, and although I was getting happy and confident without her, the thoughts of breaking up with her are horrible

 

Im gonna call her tomorrow (havnt met in person in over a week now, both been very very busy) and have a talk. Ideally we woulda met faace to face but I need to get this sorted, even thoguh I know that by the end of that conversation the relationship may end....

[bar35]

Hey man, in the end i believe that we follow our hearts. They may lead us down a painful road, one where the fork in the road points to logic and the other fork toward feelings.

 

You never know man, you never know. You can guess, and you can guess with reasonable accuracy, but you never know for certain until you live it. I hope that everything with your girl works out beautifully, does not end unless you feel that it must, and that you are able to regain and grow your trust with her. that would be the best thing in the world. good luck.

[RedBranchKnight]

Hey man, in the end i believe that we follow our hearts. They may lead us down a painful road, one where the fork in the road points to logic and the other fork toward feelings.

 

You never know man, you never know. You can guess, and you can guess with reasonable accuracy, but you never know for certain until you live it. I hope that everything with your girl works out beautifully, does not end unless you feel that it must, and that you are able to regain and grow your trust with her. that would be the best thing in the world. good luck.

 

Thanks alot mate, really appreciate that. Hopefully itll all work out for the best, even if that means beraking up

[havefaith]

Good luck redbranch. Please keep us updated

[RedBranchKnight]

Hey, I gave her a call last night and it didnt really help at all. Seems the writing is pretty much on the wall regards the end of it though. I rang her because I had to ask her something else and afterwards asked how she felt about 'us' and things and she just said "Oh yea Im ok with things, how are you" and before I could get into anything she said she was sorry she couldnt talk and have a serious conversation but she had to go. The excuse she gave was ridiculous and an obvious lie. Oh yea, another thing I forgot to post is that she hasnt said she loved me since last weekend, which is a typical 'red flag' of hers before she gets ready to break up.

 

Anyway, as far as Im concerned we've broken up, shes not my girlfriend anymore. Iv changed my status on Bebo to 'single' and removed her again, and told my friends. Ill tell her when she isnt oo busy to listen

 

Feeling really down about this, thought things coulda worked out between us but they obviously cant

[RedBranchKnight]

Sorry for bumping this thread again, but need to vent this.

 

Think my girlfriend is seeing someone else behind my back. Just saw something on her Bebo page and remembered something my mate whos going out with her cousin said to me a while ago. Everything Iv been suspecting seems to be makig sense now. It all actually adds up. Hope to God Im wrong, because I cant believe how horrible this feels right now and if it turns out Im right and she is cheating on me I can only imagine how bad thatll feel......

 

Cant believe this

[ihurtsomuch]

hey about the cheating u shud ask her..

 

sorry it doesnt seem to be working out

[sosilver]

yes

you should ask

with as little emotion as possible...

I really feel so bad for you and this whole thing...

trust is so important...you need to figure out if you can ever trust her...

do you see yourself moving that way?

i really hope its not cheating

[RedBranchKnight]

Well the relationship as over, as I predicted it would be. She wasnt cheating as it turned out, but she had been acting distant.

 

I text her last night saying I wanted to talk to her the following so let me know when she was free. Anyway, at 6pm today she text me saying she was breaking up with me, was sorry and would ring at 10. At 11.20 pm I text her asking why she hadnt rang and she said she just got home from bein out with her friends and was wrecked and wanted to leave it for tonight. I text her back saying to levae and I didnt want to speak to her again.

 

Cant believe how selfish and inconsiderate she is. My mates warned me but I guess I didnt want to see it. I know this is a cliché, but she isnt the same person she was when we started going out. Shes so selfish and inconsiderate its beyond my belief, she only started being like that a few months ago. Anyway, thats that.