I've been hit... but it feels wonderful

[Desiderata]

There has been a wave of ridiculous guys coming my way and most of them just happen to work with me. Now the title (as most of mine are) might seem ridiculous but let me just chronicle the guys that I've been introduced to and what they've actually taught me about how I feel about people.

 

-First, video game guy. Works in the mall, has a second job, takes online classes. Was very stalker-ish to me and still texts me sometimes. He is really nice but from him I realized I need someone that has more ambition. People can be nice but if I know I am going places and they are not then it's peace out for me.

 

-Then, there was lounge guy. We bonded over our love for Atreyu (the band, not the Neverending Story character) and he sat with me and my friend while we were out for her birthday. But he smokes and he seemed more interested in his friends than us, plus he was even less ambitious than video game guy. From him, I learned that getting to know people first might seem easy but getting out of talking to them again is hard. It's awkward standing there when you are about to leave and thinking "Will he want my number? Do I want him to want my number?" and just trying to be super casual about it. I haven't talked to him since, though I know where he works, haha.

 

-Then enter the bunch of guys I work with - cute blonde guy with a girlfriend, cute guy that is a player, cute older guy with a girlfriend, and 30-year old guy. Each of them also taught me something about meeting people and getting to know them. Blonde guy is so very easy to talk to and gives me confidence that people can be like that - flirty and friendly and when you know that they are attached it's easy to talk to them because you know that's all it is. Player guy is so disinterested it's not even funny, plus I know for a fact he is a player because close friends of his have told me so. He's the kind of guy I'm wary of and seems so nice, but has such tendencies that are not cool.

 

Older guy with a girlfriend is like my big brother and though I knew this before he taught me that being around people that are attached doesn't have to feel uncomfortable. I love his girlfriend to pieces, she is one of the sweetest, nicest people I've ever met and we get along so well! He has taught me that someone can be older than you and still be a mentor and a friend. And that being around him and his girlfriend might make me a bit uncomfortable sometimes, but I don't get angry at them for being together and being happy.

 

30-year old guy... *sigh*. Yes, I hooked up with him but I stopped myself from going too far. Long story short he makes me feel like a child, he insults me and makes me feel like my wanting to wait for sex is wrong and just overall lacks so much of what I want. I cannot judge him by what happened in his past since he is different now, but he is what I do not want. I feel like 30 is a little too old, though age is definitely just a number. But I do not want to be attached to someone that works at my school in the dish room, is on probation, did drugs heavily for so long and whom I cannot see really going anywhere. I have to see him most of the time so he's okay as a friend and getting attention from guys is always good, but this is just a weird situation that I will not let get out of hand.

 

So I say I've been hit and by that I mean hit with this wave of guys that just keep teaching me things. I talk to them and I hear about how other people are in their relationships and know I can be happy. I haven't thought about my ex much, minus last week when I heard a song and it just triggered all of these bad emotions. Songs are still the most powerful things that can make me upset about him because I connected so much emotion and love with them.

 

But I have been out, I go out regularly with my girlfriends and just see what happens. I think it's hard for all of us at first to just get out there and have fun, not even to meet people just to have fun. Once you do though, it's pretty amazing. I do look at guys, I notice when they notice me and I've had a few good conversations/experiences. The biggest thing that I've learned didn't come from one of those guys, it came from Iarra, yes you darling. You told me to not be so nervous, to just think of the guys I meet as friends and see where it goes from there. I believe that we can put so much pressure on ourselves to get out there and meet someone that we get nervous and expect things to go a certain way. I relax and just have fun, I do get a tiny bit upset when things do not work out but the only way I can know if I am into someone is to be cool with them, to just take things slow and be like "Okay, he's nice, think of him as a potential friend and not a potential boyfriend" and things go okay.

 

Just being around people and getting to know them can teach you so much about yourself and what you need. Everything will always come from within you, but the talks and experiences I've had made me feel so much better. I feel good, I'm still lonely sometimes but I feel like I'm heading in such a good direction.

 

[Iarra]

Aww, honey! Thank you so much too! I've learned so much from you too. When you write about your low moments but still have so much positivity, it helps me to focus on the good things when I myself have those moments. We've all learned so much from everyone here. That's what's so good about ENA! You know, I was thinking the other day how happy I was with the new friends and e-friends that I probably wouldn't have met if it weren't for the breakup. It really was a new beginning in my life. I still feel a little pain sometimes, but I can now honestly say that this is soo worth it

[Jess...]

Aww what a nice thread. I can feel the love guys LOL. Good work Desi!

 

I've learnt from both of my triplets too!

[tiredofvampires]

Yeay, Desi!

 

You sound really strong, and confident. It is truly amazing how this works -- the moment you start to think strong and confident thoughts about the future, and believe that the world is full of plenty and that you don't have to desperately clutch at any one opportunity -- BINGO, all the oportunities fall in your lap. I have noticed something mystical about this, myself, in other aspects of life, but nearly always, it relates to men. It's almost like there is a glowing bulb in our foreheads that says, "I am open to whatever happens and can afford to seek happiness" that draws in the boys like a net draws in fish. You've cast a big, wide one, and here they come! It works every time, and the beauty of it is that you aren't trying to do anything, it is just happening!

 

I've always known that the closer you get to getting over your ex, the closer you will be to an onslaught of guys who would think him an utter stupid fool to have lost the chance with you.

 

But the rub is that now this "net" will pull in some boots and some old tires and some glass bottles....not to put anyone down to that extent, but just to say that you will find some in your net are not really the "fish" you are interested in. Maybe you pull up some really cool stuff and can appreciate them in some other way entirely, but you will have to be discriminating. Which you are doing, and that's really good. I have had many a guy come on to me after a break-up (and more and more increasingly now), sensing my open energy, and it's hard to tune out that wary censor that is trying to calibrate "is he real boyfriend material, is he worth the next discussion, is he worth getting a foot in the door, where are the red flags, where are the red flags, where are the red flags?" Ha ha. It's almost funny how anxiety can come in and turn a fun and light conversation into a premature construction plan! It doesn't have to be this way! I think my saving grace is thinking, "There will be another after him, too, so I don't have to make THIS ONE the RIGHT ONE to zero in on, or let into my life. I am in control, I can decide at any point if I don't want this." It's a failsafe notion to know it's AT ANY POINT. You don't owe anyone anything beyond what you feel comfortable sharing and being to them, except being decent and kind, and compassionate about their feelings and aware of yourself. Which you already are, in abundance.

 

So just keep doing what you are doing!

 

My ex continues to fade out, but I still feel I'm not ready to date -- I realized this when at a concert last weekend, a very nice (but a bit overbearing) guy wanted to exchange numbers as we stood next to eachother, and I tried to visualize him calling the next day (which with his level of eagerness, I think would have happened), and I couldn't see wanting to put myself "out there" so much yet. So I got HIS number (he could tell I was doing this to remain noncommittal, I think) and well, I wonder if I will ever use it. I'm stil incubating. Ha ha. So we will see. I am in a "safe" space, but I'm telling myself that it's okay to view the goods from a safe space and not have to get anything. Incubating while window shopping only. Gotta love my twisted metaphors!

 

Enjoy, sistah!

[Desiderata]

*sigh* Feeling down, do have updates about me and these guys and how they are affecting me now... it was just a lonely day that ended with crying and thinking and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Iarra]

Hey, what happened? It's just another bump in the road, dear. You're gonna get through this, just like you did in the past. *hugs*

[Desiderata]

I don't know if it was seeing two of my friends together and happy or a mixture of that and the weather, but I got so worked up yesterday and started crying and just looking at the last conversation we had on my computer. I read it to remind myself how horrible he was to me and how I shouldn't be crying. I read it through and realized that yes, he never gave me a concrete reason for breaking up with me. He just danced around the idea that things were bad and he wasn't happy and wanted to move on.

 

I had a long talk with a friend and she made me feel a whole lot better. It is another bump and it just got me really down. I feel better today and just keep reassuring myself that this is okay, this is how things are supposed to be. Yesterday she asked me "Would you get back together with him if he asked you to?" and she was like "You would, wouldn't you" and I told her I would want to... but I would have to refrain. He hurt me so badly that I cannot just be like "Yes, I'll be yours again" and think it will relieve all of the pain I have right now.

 

It really was just a down evening. I'm missing all of the things that there are to love about being with someone and that is causing me to regress about how happy we were, or how happy I was rather.

 

I really hate the people that are like "Wow, it's been almost six months, girl, you need to move on!"... well I'm sorry if I am not "moving on" fast enough for your expectations, but I would say after an almost 2-year relationship that being this okay after 6 months is just fine. I have cut him out of my life as much as I can and know what is important.

 

Today at school the students I will be teaching in the Spring were told to write a 100-word essay about who they are. Most of them thought it to be impossible but I independently decided to give them an example that my teacher loved and I read it aloud:

 

I am open-minded to the point of accepting others no matter what their situation is. Caring and concientious I am confident that the advice I give to others is useful. Everyday I try to make as many people smile as I can and have fun with whatever I am doing. My family and friends have always been and will always be the most important to me. Life, for me, is an optimistic adventure that keeps continuing to amaze me. I cannot wait to see what happens next.

 

Not only was it helpful for my students, but it helped me as well. I'm slowly realizing what is important to me and I do not feel the need to rush anything that I do. I might long for companionship, but the guys I've met already have shown me that I can meet a lot of people and know whether or not they would ever be right for me. I keep learning from everyone around me and that is beautiful.

 

On Facebook I added a bumper sticker for myself that says "Don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason they didn't make it to your future" and that just resonates to me. If he was meant to be with me he would. If he loved me like no one else could he would be here. I can hurt so badly, but it's only because I am letting myself feel this way, because I loved so deeply.

 

So after all that, of course you are right my dear. It's about getting through things like this knowing that I wouldn't feel this way if not for the hurt me put me through... ridiculous. *hugs*

[HajiMaji]

It really was just a down evening. I'm missing all of the things that there are to love about being with someone and that is causing me to regress about how happy we were, or how happy I was rather.

 

When I feel down lately, it is because of this. I think it shows that we have made progress in our healing. We arent thinking about our ex's outright. Its more of a side effect from missing the act of loving. I think thats ok. But I also know how it is to feel down about it all. It sucks when the feeling comes, but as you know ya just gotta ride it out (and post on enotalone

 

I really hate the people that are like "Wow, it's been almost six months, girl, you need to move on!"... well I'm sorry if I am not "moving on" fast enough for your expectations, but I would say after an almost 2-year relationship that being this okay after 6 months is just fine. I have cut him out of my life as much as I can and know what is important.

 

Not only is it just fine; it is great. You gave a lot to him. You are a deeply compassionate person. I dont see how you could be any better right now. You are doing really well. People say that stuff to me too, but its just noise. I live differently than them, and I am ok with that. I cannot fathom how people feel that you should be ready to move on so quickly after such a relationship. I personally think you are taking a good path. After all is said and done you are going to be as free to love as strongly as you can. That is a powerful thing and is worth whatever time it takes to genuinely heal. You are taking good care of yourself. It drives me nuts sometimes when people say that sort of thing.

 

Keep doing your thing. Were getting better. Its great.

[Iarra]

Hey Desi,

 

This is what I mean when I said that you just have so much positivity, even in your low moments. Other people would like us to move on faster, but we all have to deal with this on our own pace.

 

I still do think about my ex, and I still feel sad at the way it ended. And I do want to get to that point where I'm just unaffected by him, but I'm not there yet. But it's ok. The journey may be slow, but I know I'm moving forward. Like you said, there is no rush

 

I like what you said here:

 

I am open-minded to the point of accepting others no matter what their situation is. Caring and concientious I am confident that the advice I give to others is useful. Everyday I try to make as many people smile as I can and have fun with whatever I am doing. My family and friends have always been and will always be the most important to me. Life, for me, is an optimistic adventure that keeps continuing to amaze me. I cannot wait to see what happens next.

 

This is something that I could've written too. Life IS an adventure. What kind of adventure doesn't have setbacks and pitfalls? They're what makes it so interesting hehe

 

And I agree with HajiMaji when he said that when we just miss having what we had with the ex, and not the ex themselves, it shows progress. You're doing great!

[Desiderata]

I'm sorry, my darlings, for not updating this sooner! I had some very exciting news today that I shared in the "How have you changed or improved since the EX left?" thread but these responses deserve a proper response also!

 

HM - Posting definitely does help! It is hard because I find myself avoiding threads with dangerous topics that might bring me back to a bad place and I feel awful for not giving people advice, but I need to hold my own sometimes since I'm still pretty fragile emotionally. It is definitely a growth of some sort because I just miss affection, closeness, intimacy, etc. etc.

 

It is great, darling, it's just wonderful. There is no timestamp on how long it should take to get over someone and people that say "It should only take this long" are cheating themselves out of healing fully. I cherish each of the friends I have on here and sometimes it is so refreshing and wonderful to have you. You are like the male me in so many ways and seeing someone, knowing someone like you makes me so happy. *love*

 

Iarra - My positivity is something that I cling to even when there is nothing else. I am an optimistic person and feel like I will be that way no matter what happens to me. I have to believe in the good of people in order to get through each day, no matter how hard it is.

 

There is definitely no rush. We all know what we used to have was wonderful, beautiful, loving, however you want to describe it. But something changed and we were dumped because of something that just happened. I know I did everything I could to show him how much I loved him and if that wasn't good enough then that was his decision. I've done so many things and met so many new people as a result of him doing that and I feel great about my life. I can say that and still know I am healing, but be okay with that.

 

This adventure and this process of healing is just something we have to go through and if I'm going to have to go through it I am going to make the best of it! We are all progressing so well and I am so happy to have you guys in my life! *love*

[Jess...]

On Facebook I added a bumper sticker for myself that says "Don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason they didn't make it to your future" and that just resonates to me. If he was meant to be with me he would. If he loved me like no one else could he would be here. I can hurt so badly, but it's only because I am letting myself feel this way, because I loved so deeply.

 

That would have to be one of my favouritest quotes ever!! (Favouritest hehe.) Mine is worded slightly differently - "pay no mind to the people from your past, there is a reason they are not in your future" but same message. I say it to myself often, and I was really thinking hard about it the other day. Quite a powerful quote isn't it?.

 

I have a funny bumper sticker on my facebook, but that's another story haha.

[Desiderata]

It really is such a great quote. It can apply to my ex and now a friend that I used to have. He has been having problems and stopped talking to me for awhile then a few weeks ago he IMed me which I never had time to reply to because I was so busy and he was never online, and I felt weird leaving it while he was offline. Well he IMed me two days ago and I didn't have an away message up but I wasn't here and he was like "Fine, if you don't want to talk that is okay. It will be much less stressful for me without having to talk to you. Have a nice life." Then he goes on my Livejournal and makes a comment saying "Kindly remove me from your friends list, you are no longer welcome".

 

Needless to say he is another person I can add to the (now) list of people that just don't care enough to stay in my life. You want to be like that fine, but that's just how it is. We had problems we could have worked out but now he shows his true colors. I care but I am strong enough now to know that he did this and it's his choice.

 

A funny bumper sticker? Do tell.

[Jess...]

Wow! That is really harsh! But you're right - add him to the list, because you just don't need people like that in your life. It's sad when people we thought were good friends do something to make it onto that list (and even sadder when it's the ex) but everything happens for a reason, and it's a good way of seeing who is worth having in your life. I'm glad my ex and my 'friend' showed their true colours after the breakup, because I would have been wasting my time with both of them, having them in my life. (Turned out I was anyway, but after their true colours came to light, I dumped them like yesterdays garbage LOL)

 

It's a sticker of an orange, looking at a glass of orange juice and saying "mom?" LOL I thought it was hilarious, so I put it there ages ago, and haven't taken it off hehe.

[Wandering_Sword]

30-year old guy... *sigh*. Yes, I hooked up with him but I stopped myself from going too far. Long story short he makes me feel like a child, he insults me and makes me feel like my wanting to wait for sex is wrong and just overall lacks so much of what I want. I cannot judge him by what happened in his past since he is different now, but he is what I do not want. I feel like 30 is a little too old...

 

*sniff sniff* Here I thought the thirties were the new twenties. You really know how to age a guy

 

On the other hand, I'm glad you're kicking back and just getting out there. Even if there isn't anybody interesting, it's still a good way to hone that "garbage radar" so you can filter the chaff from the wheat.

[just M.E.]

Desi, great to see you are blessing the male world with your presense, guys are better as they get older, but some never get better, so pay him no mind, men age well, trust me (I've met my share of men with age on them in my life and there are absolutely fabulous ones out there)

 

WS - see above, men get better and better with age, mellow like a good wine

I always said a man ain't worth sh** until he hits 40, but there are some good ones before that also ;-)

[Desiderata]

Jess - It was just so unexpected and I really feel like he took things so out of proportion. But I'm treating him like I'm treating my ex - you don't want to be in my life then fine, I'm hurting but it is more your loss than mine. I need loving, caring, wonderful people in my life that want to be there even when things are hard, even if I don't talk to them regularly because they can understand that I am really busy.

 

Aww that sticker sounds so wonderful! My stickers are quite enjoyable, I happen to love every one of them. Though the application has been stupid for the past couple days and now half of my stickers are missing and I am not sure why.

 

Andy - Honey, I'm just saying! I'm 21 and nine years is a big age gap. I adore you and do not think that I'm putting down anyone older than 30, haha. I'm getting out there and saying "Okay, I've experienced this and you are just not worth my time because of a lot of reasons". So it's hard, but it's totally worth doing in order to eventually be okay with finding someone that is right for me.

 

M.E. - Blessing the male world with my presense, haha I never thought of it that way! Look out male world, I have arrived! I know a lot of older guys, mostly on here haha, that are so wonderful and such darlings so I know you are right! There are those that just never change, but hopefully I will find the guys my age and older that are nothing but sweethearts.

[Jess...]

Jess - It was just so unexpected and I really feel like he took things so out of proportion. But I'm treating him like I'm treating my ex - you don't want to be in my life then fine, I'm hurting but it is more your loss than mine. I need loving, caring, wonderful people in my life that want to be there even when things are hard, even if I don't talk to them regularly because they can understand that I am really busy.

 

Yeah - that's exactly right. Why keep him in your life if he doesn't want to be there? He wants out, it's his loss - definitely his loss.

 

Aww that sticker sounds so wonderful! My stickers are quite enjoyable, I happen to love every one of them. Though the application has been stupid for the past couple days and now half of my stickers are missing and I am not sure why.

 

Well I thought it was funny and cute. I love it haha. Half yours are missing? That sucks! I only have one! LOL

[Desiderata]

For real, I just feel like that behavior is ridiculous. I try not to push people out of my life, I know they are there for a reason and if they decide to leave then that is their decision, their problem with whatever. If it's a problem with me I fix it, but they need to be willing to work with me. Each friendship/relationship I have is about compromise - not compromising who you are but adjusting so that if you really care about someone things will work out.

 

Hey, you have more than one now! Haha I love them all though!

[Jess...]

For real, I just feel like that behavior is ridiculous. I try not to push people out of my life, I know they are there for a reason and if they decide to leave then that is their decision, their problem with whatever. If it's a problem with me I fix it, but they need to be willing to work with me. Each friendship/relationship I have is about compromise - not compromising who you are but adjusting so that if you really care about someone things will work out.

 

Exactly. I have learned a lot about compromise from my breakup, and it doesn't mean compromising yourself, it doesnt mean letting the other person have their way, it's just a little effort put in, so that things stay ok! It's not that hard, is it?! So if your friend's aren't going to compromise, they're not really worth it, I don't think. I see it as they're not willing to put in the effort to keep the friendship going, so why should I?

 

Hey, you have more than one now! Haha I love them all though!

 

Yep, I thought it was a bit blank, so I had to add a few more hehe

[Desiderata]

Exactly. And with this new guy it's like I know he is shy, but I feel like he just isn't trying and that isn't going to work. He wants to be broken out of this shell, well he needs to help that along! I'm tired of making the effort for people that are perfectly capable of doing it themselves.

 

And I never did get to see the last bumper sticker you sent me, I opened it but that stupid error came up and I couldn't see it.

[Iarra]

Desi,

 

Somehow I missed this thread when I was catching up. Oh, well

 

There is definitely no rush. We all know what we used to have was wonderful, beautiful, loving, however you want to describe it. But something changed and we were dumped because of something that just happened. I know I did everything I could to show him how much I loved him...

 

Yep, did this too, especially towards the end. He asked for space. I gave him LOTS of space, even though it was so hard for me. That kind of sacrifice is something that he doesn't seem to understand.

 

...and if that wasn't good enough then that was his decision.

 

Sad, but true. Looking back, I KNOW that I really didn't do anything to make him not want to be with me. I did what I could. They're the ones who don't appreciate that, so... so be it.

 

I've done so many things and met so many new people as a result of him doing that and I feel great about my life.

 

Me too. I wouldn't have pushed myself to get out and meet (or e-meet LOL!) all these wonderful people that are in my life right now.

[Jess...]

Exactly. And with this new guy it's like I know he is shy, but I feel like he just isn't trying and that isn't going to work. He wants to be broken out of this shell, well he needs to help that along! I'm tired of making the effort for people that are perfectly capable of doing it themselves.

 

Yeah, you can't do it *for* him, he has to put some effort in too, doesn't he?

 

And I never did get to see the last bumper sticker you sent me, I opened it but that stupid error came up and I couldn't see it.

 

Oh really? I put it on my page and it worked? I'll send it to you again