whatnow44 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I really can't believe this, but the guy that I have been dating for the past 10 months just disappeared. We didn't have an argument or anything. The last time we saw each other was about nine days ago. He left my house that morning to go to work. We hugged, kissed and he called me sweetie. I have not heard from him since and he will not return my phone calls. I know he is alright, because I called his office and he answered his phone. I cannot believe this is happening. I have no idea what is going on. We usually talked to each other every day or so. What should I do? We had a good relationship for 10 months! I am totally shocked.
wiser Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Possibilities: He has been gradually withdrawing but you didnt see the signs, and he finally decided to make the break. He wasnt that into you and he met someone, and it clicked. Some sort of major personal life issue is suddenly overwhelming him, and instead of reaching out to you, he has withdrawn and is attempting to deal with it himself. He has some sort of mental disorder such as bipolar and he is having a mental breakdown of sorts. Either way, its totally inconsiderate and thoughtless and irresponsible for him to give you no explanation. What should you do? Call him up and say "what the heck happened? If its over, then fine. Just tell me what happened so I can get some closure and move on with my life." Dont beg, cry, or plead. Its all business now.
Censored Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Hmmmmmm. Well if he is still at work, then we can probably rule out a breakdown or mental snap. Have you got ANY idea at all what it could be? A bit of history about you both, or just him. Any major arguments in the past. Any mental illness on his side. Do you know any of his friends you could talk too that you are friends with too.
selkie Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 There are always signs. Why are you calling and hanging up ?
Pocket Rocket Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Go NC right now. I've had this done to me before seemingly out of the blue and sadly I did not see the signs.
wiser Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Go NC right now. I've had this done to me before seemingly out of the blue and sadly I did not see the signs. I do not agree that NC is the way to go in this case. And I am a big fan of NC. What are the goals of the OP? I would think to get answers, to get closure, to move on. Hes obviously already gone. She wants, needs to know what happened. I say call the guy and demand answers. She may not get them, but its worth a try.
caro33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I agree that it would seem fair enough to ask what had happened. But don't be too full on - you cannot extract an answer if he does not feel like giving an explanation. I am also keen to know what happened when he answered his phone at work.
whatnow44 Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 We are both in our forties. No, I did not see any signs that he wanted to leave our relationship. He seemed very happy. He did tell me the last time I saw him that he went to a singles party. I got upset and asked him why and he said a friend asked him to go with him and he went because it was all the food you could eat for $5.00. If it was looking for someone else, then why did he tell me he went? He said he only stayed about an hour. As a matter of fact, he called me that night when he got home around 8:30. I didn't talk to him when he answered his phone at his office because he didn't return my other calls to his cell and I wasn't prepared to talk to him about what was going on. I guess I was just calling to see if he was still alive and not in the hospital or something. I'm afraid if I try to call his cell again to ask him what is going on, he just won't answer again. I'm so confused! Maybe he did meet someone else. He could just tell me so I would know what was going on.
wiser Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I am also keen to know what happened when he answered his phone at work. She called, he picked up, she got nervous/shocked/surprised and hung up on him.
Batya33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 How classy - go to a singles event for the free food. Sounds like he went and either met someone who he then called or it made him realize that he'd like to get more free food in the future,so to speak. You can do better. Much better. Sorry he is acting like such a creep.
wiser Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 He went to a singles party to meet other singles. He met another single.
caro33 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I agree with Batya. Or maybe he just got scared off when you questioned him about going to a singles night - it made him ask himself why he wanted to go and why he did not think that was inappropriate. Anyway, I'm sorry about this. You really deserve better.
jengh Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 How classy - go to a singles event for the free food. Sounds like he went and either met someone who he then called or it made him realize that he'd like to get more free food in the future,so to speak. You can do better. Much better. Sorry he is acting like such a creep. I completely agree. This guy sounds like a creeper. Let him go... My guess, like the others here, is that he met someone else at the free-food gathering.
Censored Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I agree with the above posters that this is a possibility only, Wiser's post is still relevant here. To get some sort of closure you are going to need to speak to him at some stage. I am not sure how you will be able to manage just "letting him go" under these circumstances. I suggest you send him an email, just asking for an explanation as to what has happened. Let him know you are only asking for your own information and keep it quite sterile, and non confrontational.
whatnow44 Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Okay, I just called him on his cell like you guys suggested. He answered right away. He was his normal upbeat self. He said he got my messages from Monday. Said he was sick that day and didn't go to work. Said he went to court on Tuesday and was sure he returned my phone call. He said are you sure I didn't talk to you this week? I said no. If you are trying to avoid me, just tell me. He said no he wasn't and that he was just swamped at work and really thought he had called me and talked to me this week. He said he wanted to come over tonight and I said no, I just wanted to know what was going on and if you are trying to avoid me. He said absolutely not and he would really like to come over to see me tonight. What now? He does talk to a lot of people at his job, but how did he forget me? Is this a legitimate excuse? I don't know. He is letting an alcoholic guy stay with him for a month. Maybe they are just getting totally wasted all the time.
Censored Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Grrrrrrrrrr...... That's frog poo. I have a bad feeling he's using you as a fallback position b/c some *edit* he met didn't work out. DO NOT LET him treat you like this. Glad he answered at least.
annie24 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Yeah, going to events for the free food is what poor students do, I'd like to think that men in their 40s with stable jobs don't do that..... but anyways.... I think you should have him over and talk to him about what is going on, face to face, not over the phone. Are you SURE there were no other warning signs going on prior?
selkie Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 He seemed very happy. He did tell me the last time I saw him that he went to a singles party. I got upset and asked him why and he said a friend asked him to go with him and he went because it was all the food you could eat for $5.00. If it was looking for someone else, then why did he tell me he went? He said he only stayed about an hour. As a matter of fact, he called me that night when he got home around 8:30. Um yeah. Would you be interested in buying a nice bridge in spanning NYC to Brooklyn ?
grymoire Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 He did the right thing. If he continued to talk to you and give you attention you will lose your respect for him and dump him anyway.... That's why he did the jerk thing of disappearing and it is having the correct effects... see... you are panicking... When he comes back you'll cling harder to him... and when he mistreats you you will put up with it...
selkie Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 He said are you sure I didn't talk to you this week? What now? He does talk to a lot of people at his job, but how did he forget me? Is this a legitimate excuse? I don't know. He is letting an alcoholic guy stay with him for a month. Maybe they are just getting totally wasted all the time. either way it's bad you want to be with a man who considers you so UNIMPORTANT that he cant recall if he talked to you ?
grymoire Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 you want to be with a man who considers you so UNIMPORTANT that he cant recall if he talked to you ? that's actually the reason why she wants him so much... if he had considered her an important person and treated her well then he would become a "nice guy" that women hate... and she will soon dump him..
Clementine orange Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 He went to a singles party to meet other singles. He met another single. I'm afraid that's probably it. What a coward for not coming clean though. However, do you really want to be with a guy who "eats all he can" for 5.00?
Batya33 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 He did the right thing. If he continued to talk to you and give you attention you will lose your respect for him and dump him anyway.... That's why he did the jerk thing of disappearing and it is having the correct effects... see... you are panicking... When he comes back you'll cling harder to him... and when he mistreats you you will put up with it... Yes, that is what an insecure person who doesn't believe she deserves a healthy relationship would do. there is no indication that the OP is that kind of person. Sounds like a bit of projection on your part.
CatsMeeoow Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 Well I for one will play devils advocate... People get wrapped up in stress all the time. There is something going on but until they talk - we can all second guess and guess the worse but what good is that going to accomplish? Gosh... my ex was under tremendous pressure... I should have just left him alone... instead him having to be worried about me on top of everything else was more than he could take... he cut me loose... he was depressed at where his life was... and we had a wonderful relationship... I'm just saying if he's willing to talk to her now - why blow him off? He wants to come over... why not... they can talk... Once she hears his version of things she can decide if its real or crap. How can we judge someone so that we don't know? I wish the OP the best of luck and don't forget to return here if you need help after hearing his side!
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