Said he never really loved me

[tsarevnaelena]

Hi everyone. Stumbled accross this site by accident searching for more "get back your ex" wisdom. I have spent nearly 300 on online ebooks, which makes me feel stupid since almost all the advice contained in them could be found free here. Live and learn.

 

Anyway, I am 25 as is my ex. We dated 7 months. It was fantastic up until month 5 when I lost my dad to cancer. Ex was amazingly supportive, sweet, just there for me in every way. Then two months later, he drops me, saying he needed "space" and that he "loved me but needed space and time to figure out what he wanted." He wrote a letter to me after breaking up in person where he said he loved me and always would but he was too confused to be able to love me with his whole heart and I needed someone who did love me with his whole heart. Now I find out he never really loved me to begin with. A friend of mine who still talks to him sent me this email that he sent him:

 

The truth is for whatever reason I just never really felt in love with Elena. I'm not sure why, she was incredibly good to me, but for whatever reason I just never felt the same way about her as she did about me. I kind of dragged it out a bit longer than I should have. It's probably because I lack some basic human emotions, I've really only had particularly strong feelings for one girl I've been with. I feel really bad about it, and would honestly be really happy if she found someone she liked who treated her well.

 

 

The girl he's talking about is a girl he dated in college and dumped him via text message. She also cheated on him with two guys, told him that he'd better make a lot of money once he finished college or forget about marrying her and told him he was awful in bed. He told me all these things and said he was so glad to be rid of her, but the friend who sent me the email asked, "Did he ever talk about a girl named Laurie because that's who he said he meant when he only had strong feelings for one girl" and Laurie is the girl who did the above.

 

I am confused. He never loved me? Was I just a seven month booty call to him then? He's only loved a girl who treated him like crap? I am very confused and hurt. Have been NC for almost two months now, except that I did a lot of stupid things during the breakup, pleading, begging, etc., and he said he'd spend a day near Christmas with me since it's the first without my dad. Last week he emailed me that he still planned on spending it with me and wanted to know a day and we're supposed to do it this Saturday. Now I feel sick. He looked in my face and told me he loved me and he never did? Part of me is in disbelief and I don't really know what to do. My friend who sent me the email said that in a way, this is the best thing I could hear because my ex is lying by saying this and may come back.

 

The friend said he overheard my ex (they work together) for the past 2 months talking to his best friend about how I was the prettiest, sweetest, nicest girl he ever met, and he'd never meet anyone like me and that he had to let me go for his own good because he'd never measure up to the type of man who deserves me and that he thinks he is probably going to end up with a nagging witch like his dad did (ex and his mum don't get along). So my friend who sent me the email says my ex is probably trying to tell himself he never loved me because he feels unworthy of me. I don't know if that makes sense either. I am in pain. My first holiday without my dad and now this. Thanks for listening.

[definitely_maybe]

Welcome to ENA. I hope some of the posters here can help you get through this rough time.

[pinkelephant]

No, I personally think that some men have a complex about women who treat them like crap. They think it's love, but it really isn't.

 

 

My dad has the same complex about my mom. Both her and I believe it's only because she left him. Reminds me the same as margrat atwood's character snowman. "the more it hurts, the more he's convinced that he loves her", but meh- he wouldnt know what love is if it hits him on the face.

[jettison]

Sometimes, it's just the situation you find yourself in in life that determines whether you feel the feelings of "in love" with someone. Happenstance goes a long, long way.

 

You could be having some intense feelings about life, feel out of sorts and confused, look up, and someone is offering you a kind smile. And instantly, you feel "in love". Is it really them, or was your mind just ready to feel that way at that moment.

 

And once we tell ourselves that that's how we feel, our brains can kick into overdrive, produce all the necessary chemicals to make that feeling happen, and them momentum takes care of the rest.

 

If you weren't really ready to let anyone in however, then you can meet the "perfect partner", and it's impossible to fall. Sometimes, especially when they like you so much, and so immediately.

[caro33]

I wouldn't take this too literally; it sounds like he was not sure of his own feelings. He might have said he loved you to start with because he thought he did at the time, or he really wanted to love you and thought that saying it might make it feel more authentic.

 

This sounds rough and I'm sorry you are going through it. He sounds like he might have been a bit wishy washy with the honesty, and that he could have questioned himself a little more as he went through the motions with you.

 

But this does not sound like you were just used by a player, it sounds like he thinks well of you but has recognised that he did not feel the "magic" he thought he should. If he's pining over some girl who treated him like crap, then the nice girl who wanted him just did not push the right buttons for him, perhaps. He needs to move on and decide what he wants from life and love, and you need to move on and keep your heart open and your head wise for the next guy...

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone - your story sounds remarkably last my last breakup. He persued me greatly in the beginning, we got along really well, never fought, just always had a nice time together, no drama. i also went through a difficult period and he was a great supportive boyfriend during that time.

 

then, one day, it came out, that he thought i was great in every way, just didn't feel that *spark* for me. said i was attractive, he liked being physical with me, liked spending time with me, and wanted to keep hanging out with me, but also thought I liked him more than he liked me. like your ex, the only woman he really had crazy mad love feelings for was this other woman. I am not exactly sure what that situation was about, but my impression of it was that she was a friend, they never actually dated, although he did semi-jokingly propose to her, they never had a relationship, and she wound up being killed in a car crash. So, it sound like he had a lot of unresolved feelings with that woman, where it didn't seem like she returned his feelings, and then she died, so there wasn't a chance for her to change her mind, or whatever.

 

anyways, it sucks, but nothing much you can do. if they don't feel the magic for you, they just don't. a year later, i wound up meeting a great guy, perfect in every way, but i felt no chemistry for him either. so, it happens.

 

in my case, looking back, my ex had some other problems, like drinking and drug use (pot), so i think doing those things dulls your capablity to love and feel, especially when you do these things daily (like he did). The day after my breakup, i was in the back of a cab, started crying, and the cabbie asked me what was wrong, i told him the story, and the cabbie told me he was a recovering alcoholic, 27 years sober, and that alcoholics need other alcholics, they can't feel that *spark* with non-addicts. I don't know if he is/was an addict, but he certainly drank and smoked pot a lot more than i was comfortable with, and a lot more than i thought a man in his 30s with a professional job should. afterall, this was not some 21 year old frat boy.

 

So, that said, he was likely mr. wrong for me. In the future though, i will be careful not to fall for someone too hard, too soon. i'll try to listen to the red flags. i would have too, but i was going through a rough time, and it was only natural for me to lean on him through this time.

 

maybe this one wasn't meant to be. at least you know you are great, and you'll meet someone else who appreciates that.

 

hugs

[AnonymousReflections]

Lol, that's exactly what happened with one of my exes. Months after we broke up (for which he gave a million different reasons / excuses), he finally admitted that he loved me for what I was... like a trophy... not for who I was... He loved that I was "beautiful, intelligent, the girl that everyone wants".... and he loved the thought that he was in love.... But he never really "had the click". So then, he obviously, didnt bother put so much effort into the relationship and was closed to any comments good or bad that I might have made... so of course he and I were both ultimately disatisfied with our relationship, so of course it ended. Subconsciously, I actually knew this...and I was prepared to end the relationship if things did not improve after the holidays... but he beat me to it... HAHA... Well, he's totally head over heels with his new girl and she worships him. I can't beat that, and while I'm envious of their wonderful relationship and sometimes wonder, why it couldnt have been us...I realize, we're both happier this way...

 

So basically, you can be amazing. He can think ur amazing, and honestly believe he loved you at that time. But if there's no click on both sides, then it won't work. And it's best to let it go. Don't blame urself, or him. It's just circumstances, timing (my ex was at the time, also, I'm convinced, still traumatized by an ancient bad break-up with his first greatest love) or just the way things are.

[love4life]

Sometimes, it's just the situation you find yourself in in life that determines whether you feel the feelings of "in love" with someone. Happenstance goes a long, long way.

 

You could be having some intense feelings about life, feel out of sorts and confused, look up, and someone is offering you a kind smile. And instantly, you feel "in love". Is it really them, or was your mind just ready to feel that way at that moment.

 

And once we tell ourselves that that's how we feel, our brains can kick into overdrive, produce all the necessary chemicals to make that feeling happen, and them momentum takes care of the rest.

 

If you weren't really ready to let anyone in however, then you can meet the "perfect partner", and it's impossible to fall. Sometimes, especially when they like you so much, and so immediately.

 

Brilliant post! Seriously, I came to this realization after my last ex. Being in love is a self-imposed feeling, it's not due to anything another person did to make us feel that way. Love is something you have to open yourself up to, trust yourself to feel, and when you do that, you find that you "click" with more people more easily and feel a connection/chemistry. At least, that's been my experience.

[lonelygemini]

*hug* to the OP. I lost my dad this year too, and have been through an emotional rollercoaster since then, so I feel your pain.

 

Like most posters here, I agree that he didn't think of you as a booty call. He just wasn't *in love* with you, and after going through that with my last ex, I understand exactly what it means. Just be glad it didn't drag on for 2.5years like it did for me. I felt so horrible because he was so nice, we shared common interests, we've been through a lot but...I just kept feeling in the back of my mind that I would be so unhappy being with him for the rest of my life. Nothing personal to him, and it's probably nothing personal to you, although I feel your pain because I was in the situation before too.

 

It's hard to understand why he would be so in love with his ex: he could be overfantasizing the past, he could love his ex because she left him, or he could simply just have...loved her. The heart is a hard thing to explain and it's hard to know what's true without knowing first hand.

 

Just take the time to heal--so sorry you're going through this during the holiday too.