new girl... new questions...

[Reddy]

so the girl that i've been seeing is amazing. i'm totally into her and i would love to maybe try and have a real relationship with her. i think she's really into me too, she's said so, but there's one problem: i think she's scared that she's feeling as strongly as she is.

 

we talked last night about a ton of stuff, our random philosophies on life - that kind of thing. and she was talking about she hates feeling like she is relient on anything or anyone and that she for that reason doesnt really like dating people because she doesn't want to need someone to be happy. and that in the end it always sucks and that pain isn't worth it. then i argued back (from experience lol) that yeah the pain does suck. it's the worst thing in the world. but the highs are worth the lows and no matter what you come out of it a better person who is stronger and knows more about yourself. she actually did agree with that.

 

we kept talking about things like that for a while then started making out blah blah blah. we have an amazing connection. like when we look at each other and just stare in each others eyes it's just... i cant describe it. but i know theres a lot there. she stayed for a while and by like 2:30am i said that she could stay here and that i'd like her to - she said she wanted to but that she really should go home. so she did. sent a text a while later saying

 

"dont be mad/sad. i'd rather spend the night with you than just about anything. but you are pretty wonderful and i'm still too drunk for it to not scare e at le"

 

i interpreted that last bit to be "me a little" agree? so basically... i'm worried that she's just scared that we've got such a strong connection so fast... i think she's worried about "needing me" or getting emotionally attached ya know? so now i'm thinking maybe i should back off a bit but i really just dont know what to do because i really like her and i think she really likes me and i think we could be really great for each other - but if she's too afraid to get close... what can i do?

[Lana0120]

Talk to her. A drunken text may mean something, but there's not a lot of depth there. Just straight out say you want a relationship with her. She may surprise you.

[Madman22]

Oh wow I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you!!!!

 

In regards to your question...I dont think talk about a r/ship. I think let the ball be in her court because then in her head...things are going at her pass and not anyone elses. I had this exact conversation almost 4 years ago and I turned to him and said "But arent you SCARED??!?!" and he was "no" with a smile. It was so reassuring and i didnt feel any pressure at all.

 

dont stress...this could be wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ghost69]

keep on it as you have been. you are doing nothing wrong. she didn't want to do something foolish and you think she is a girl that sleeps around. that is a good sign that she did that.

 

i think that last part says 'me at least'.

[Dating Coach]

so the girl that i've been seeing is amazing. i'm totally into her and i would love to maybe try and have a real relationship with her. i think she's really into me too, she's said so, but there's one problem: i think she's scared that she's feeling as strongly as she is.

 

Sorry bro, but this is something I have seen 100 times at least. What girl is "scared" of something she found that she really likes? Okay, hoping it is as good as it is... I can see that, but saying they are actually "scared" and thus end up avoiding it... no. No sane girl is going to run away in terror from Prince Charming.

 

What i see far more often is this "scared" business being the excuse of someone whom actually has a Low Interest Level and is looking to keep an "out" option available. So when it get's to the point to where she realizes that she no longer wants to be in it, she can do the "It's not you, it's me" excuse of being too scared to go forward with something that's just what she's looking for. It's BS.

 

The "I'm too scared because you're too good to be true" excuse is something that really bugs me in the Dating Scene. I've seen it SO MANY times, and I can only name maybe ONE time it was really true... and even then the girl was a headcase and the guy shouldn't have settled for investing his emotions into a flakey girl.

 

we talked last night about a ton of stuff, our random philosophies on life - that kind of thing. and she was talking about she hates feeling like she is relient on anything or anyone and that she for that reason doesnt really like dating people because she doesn't want to need someone to be happy. and that in the end it always sucks and that pain isn't worth it. then i argued back (from experience lol) that yeah the pain does suck. it's the worst thing in the world. but the highs are worth the lows and no matter what you come out of it a better person who is stronger and knows more about yourself. she actually did agree with that.

 

May I ask why you guys are sitting down having such dramatic discussions like this? When you're dating someone, such serious discussions need to be kept at a bare minimum. Save this serious stuff until you are firmly in a actual relationship. These discussions are full of drama, they are BORING, and they tend to send off a lot of negative signals and vibes well before she is ready to be receiving them.

 

we kept talking about things like that for a while then started making out blah blah blah. we have an amazing connection.

 

I would personally feel weird sitting here going, "Yeah... In life I want someone who's like this and that and this... what about you? Oh really? Well I disagree there, you need to have people like this or that or this. I'm glad you agree! "

 

To me, it would seem it would flow so much easier if you guys are out having a blast together, flirting, tickling, having fun, and then when you're close-make out, fool around, etc. Serious discussions about your future goals and then making out just seems a bit of a "moment-killer".

 

like when we look at each other and just stare in each others eyes it's just... i cant describe it. but i know theres a lot there. she stayed for a while and by like 2:30am i said that she could stay here and that i'd like her to - she said she wanted to but that she really should go home. so she did. sent a text a while later saying

 

"dont be mad/sad. i'd rather spend the night with you than just about anything. but you are pretty wonderful and i'm still too drunk for it to not scare e at le"

 

i interpreted that last bit to be "me a little" agree? so basically... i'm worried that she's just scared that we've got such a strong connection so fast... i think she's worried about "needing me" or getting emotionally attached ya know? so now i'm thinking maybe i should back off a bit but i really just dont know what to do because i really like her and i think she really likes me and i think we could be really great for each other - but if she's too afraid to get close... what can i do?

 

Your emotions are running at 100 MPH. If you are getting these doubts it is because you sense she ISN'T running at 100 MPH. She might be going 30. If this is the case, you will outdistance her and she will feel the pressure of needing to "catch up" to you. This will kill her interest. She will feel out of her comfort zone of going 30 MPH and thus she will feel vibes that this isn't what she is looking for.

 

Bro, slow the heck down. You do not know that she is feeling this amazingly strong connection that you are. Even if she says she is, if her actions are hinting otherwise then she ISN'T. And the fact that you're on this forum talking about her maybe being "scared" tells me as plain as day that you ARE receiving signals that perhaps she isn't as ready as you are.

 

Instead of having these intense discussions, just have fun. STOP talking about serious issues, each others attraction, goals with the relationship, etc. Just keep that yapper shut because if you continue I will guarantee this will end. She will make up an excuse and stop dating you. I promise. So cut that out. Just pick her up, take her out, show her a fun good time, and avoid any serious discussion. If she brings it up, spend a MINIMAL time on it and change the subject to something more light-hearted and FUN.

 

While you slow down on the emotional crud, at least maintain if not speed up the physical. If she's willing to make out and fool around, then she's fine with that part. But it's the overwhelming of her with these intense discussions and your emotional attachment that is causing her to be "scared".

[scotty77]

Yes,you are likely right about his behaviour killing any interest on her part.I guess it is why a lot of very attractive women seem to go for the ''bad boy'' type.99 out of a 100 guys will fall all over themselves trying to please her but then you get that one guy who acts indifferent around her as if he could care less if she is interested and that usually is the guy she will want.

[servedcold]

Agree with DC, and disagree that you should ask her to have a relationship at this point. More detail needed, how long have you known her, been dating her, etc.? You need to wait for strong buying signals initiated by her before launching into any relationship talk, and even then talk very sparingly.