Is it normal to feel this way?

[Seymore]

There are times when my girlfriend of 3 months and I will have an argument, usually very heavily one-sided and against me without good reason. When it gets heavy, I have this feeling like I'm ready to leave, like I could just drop the relationship right there.

 

I feel bad because first of all, I am one to jump to conclusions and not think before I act in similar matters, and second, her good qualities far outweigh her bad ones, and I know in a day or two I would want her back, if I were to end it.

 

However, it also feels good because when I get that upset is when I begin to fight back and stand up for myself when it's justified. I'm usually one to just sit back and take whatever beating it is that I get from people. One time I even left during an argument (to go home, not break up), and she called me two blocks down the road to ask me to come back. It felt good that I had stood up for myself, but it worries me overall though that I FEEL like I could just do that sometimes - end it like that. Is that normal?

 

I love her - I think about her quite often, and go out of my way to do things for her that no man I know would do for a woman, plus I love spending my weekends with her. But knowing I could feel this way towards her bothers me.

[desertsoul]

Running away from problems is the easy way out. I'm sure we've all felt like doing it at some point in our lives. Relationships are hard work, and most of us usually try to avoid hard work if possible. But that doesn't mean that we'll be happy if we run away from our problems. That just creates new ones. If you left, you wouldn't have to argue, but you would be lonely, right?

 

I can't say whether or not you feel like leaving because you subconsciously want to break up with her, but it's possible. However, it's also certainly possible that you only feel like that just because you don't want to deal with the conflict.

 

If you're having enough arguments for this to be a strong concern to you only three months into the relationship, I'd say you need to examine the reasons for your frequent conflicts and discuss with your girlfriend how you might both work towards resolving the issues that you have.

 

I'd also be careful about thinking of walking out on an argument as "standing up for yourself." Even if she is in the wrong, this is more or less just your way of taking all power from her, which is a double-edged sword: She can't hurt your feelings or be unfair to you anymore, but she also can't express herself if she has valid concerns (which you might not see at the time because of the emotions you feel). You will generally have a much stronger, more lasting relationship if you can discuss your disagreements in a mature fashion.

 

What kinds of things do you tend to fight about the most?

[Seymore]

Little things. Like I'll be helping with something and she'll say something like "grab me that bottle over there" and nod her head towards a shelf full of bottles. I'll grab one and she'll be like "THAT ONE. THAT ONE! THAT ONE!" And I won't have any clue which one she's talking about. Almost like I'm supposed to read her mind and am being punished because I can't.

 

The worst it got was when I was helping her move her sister's stuff at 4am into a semi truck for storage. She was trying to bungie-cord a bunch of stuff together and couldn't get it to work, and got mad and threw it on the ground. I took the cord, did it successfully and looked at her to make sure it was ok and she yelled at me saying "WHAT? WHAT THE F ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YEAH, YOU DID IT AND I COULDN'T! YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME - SO WHAT??!" I will never forget that, word for word. I was shocked and hurt. She had sent me flowers at work later that day with an apology.

 

Another instance was the morning of the move - it was snowing out and freezing, so I said I would warm up the moving van. I’m sitting inside the van and she takes my snow brush and goes half a block away to brush my car off. 10 minutes later she comes back, and I say thanks, and she says sarcastically “Yeah, thanks for helping”. I told her that I wasn’t going to leave a running rental van by itself while I’m half a block away, and she got angry about that too.

 

We've had a talk and an agreement to talk things through rationally and not blow up at each other. By standing up for myself I didn't mean just leaving. I did it that one time because I was trying to open up a discussion and she wouldn't open up, so I decided to give her some time for herself. I mean like standing up for myself like SPEAKING up for myself.

 

We don't have the arguments THAT often - maybe every 3 weeks or so. And we're both kinda sensitive people. But I do tend to want to avoid conflict, so maybe you're right and that is my way of avoiding the conflict altogether - by shutting myself down completely.

[enchiladaman]

I was in a similar position. Arguments with my ex gf were very difficult because she was very emotional and would bring tons of emotion to the table when we fought. Anger, crying, rage. I am not a very emotional person and I am someone that would like to have a rational, ADULT argument instead of a big nasty fight.

 

I really couldn't handle her rage and I felt like she made the arguments so one sided because she was a good fighter. I was a weak and bad fighter so I took all of the blame most of the times. My choices were to either accept the blame or fight and continue to fight and fight through exhaustion and end up pissed off at one another and have the relationship on the rocks anyways. Not exactly a great set of choices to choose from. It was a mistake, but because I loved being with her I accepted the blame more than I should of and conceded when I maybe should have held my ground a little more. I will fess up and say I COULD NOT HANDLE THIS WOMAN WHEN SHE WAS IN HER EMOTIONAL FIGHT MODE. Her insecurities and emotion made her a fierce person to go to battle against.

 

Eventually this lead to her having control in the relationship. Since she projected all of the blame onto me, she perceived this as her being right all of the time in arguments. Eventually when we would fight, all that she brought up was all of the past arguments where she was right and I was wrong. Digging up the past to validate her present actions.

 

This leads to a very unhealthy relationship I'm afraid if you don't learn to deal with conflict and work as a team. You eventually start resenting eachother everytime there is a fight and I can assure that this will eventually lead to a breakup if it goes unchecked. Clear and solid communication between 2 adults is KEY to a healthy relationship.

 

As much as I miss my girlfriend...I find happiness in knowing that our relationship is over because the fights would have just gotten worse and worse and the resentment stronger and stronger. Eventually you feel like a prisoner in your own home because you can't feel the love. Life doesn't get easier as a marriage progresses and children come into the picture. So if you can't find a way to have an argument and then forgive eachother and TRULY let go of the past...I feel like it will be more difficult down the road to get past all of this. Letting go of the past is key in a relationship...something my ex gf could never do. I couldn't remember an argument that we had in the prior month...but she could bring up something I did wrong over a year ago and give exact detail!

 

Finding someone you love is hard enough...and finding someone you love so much that you find any possible way to make it work even when you are both ready to tear eachother's heads off is even harder.

 

Good luck.

[desertsoul]

Ah, sorry, I misunderstood about the "standing up" thing. Well, judging solely from your posts, I'd say it seems likely that you're just wanting to get yourself out of the conflict in whatever way possible when you get these feelings. And, while I can't speak for everyone, I can say that, especially in the early stages of my relationship with my wife, I had the very same feelings from time to time (I also hate conflict and consider myself to be very sensitive). It sounds pretty normal. I think if you really do want to break up with your girlfriend or you really believe that your relationship is irreparably broken, you will know it because it won't just be a nagging bit of doubt.

 

It also sounds like your girlfriend needs to find herself a stress-management technique so that she doesn't end up taking out her frustrations on you, which is what it seems like she's doing. Maybe find her a good book on the subject or encourage her to take some yoga classes or something. I'd also sit down with her, tell her you need to have a serious discussion, and tell her that 1) your relationship is not a competition, and you're not trying to be better than her and 2) if she wants you to do something, she can ask instead of expecting you to know. Assure her that you will politely remind her if she starts to stray from these ideas, and that she should take a moment to reflect and keep herself from getting too angry.

 

It seems that you're on your way to building a strong, mature relationship. Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and acknowledging that sometimes people need time to themselves to sort things out. And it's great that she can admit when she's made a mistake, even if it is a bit late. I think as long as you both work together to prevent arguments from happening to begin with, you'll be okay.

[Seymore]

That's exactly what I had told her. I said that I loved her and that love doesn't rub things in another's face. I was just looking for her approval with the bungie cord thing. I told her that even though we ARE competitive, the relationship itself is not a competition. She actually filled out an anger management sheet on her own and enrolled in dance classes (though she hasn't started yet), and I agreed to work on any things that may have contributed to her blowing up.

 

Her blow-ups have damaged the relationship, I will admit - I don't really feel like I can be as close and relaxed as I did in the beginning, but with some work I believe we can bring that feeling back.

[ghost69]

she sounds like a hothead. i wouldn't put up with a girl like this. one that fires off at random and gets upset. nothing to work on for me here. i'd be out. and that would not be running from my problems either. that's her problem. especially so early in a relationship.

[desertsoul]

That's exactly what I had told her. I said that I loved her and that love doesn't rub things in another's face. I was just looking for her approval with the bungie cord thing. I told her that even though we ARE competitive, the relationship itself is not a competition. She actually filled out an anger management sheet on her own and enrolled in dance classes (though she hasn't started yet), and I agreed to work on any things that may have contributed to her blowing up.

 

Her blow-ups have damaged the relationship, I will admit - I don't really feel like I can be as close and relaxed as I did in the beginning, but with some work I believe we can bring that feeling back.

 

That's excellent. I think the fact that she's willing to work on her issues is a good indicator that you found a special lady and that she really cares about you. And as long as she really works on them and makes progress, I think you will get that close, relaxed feeling back. If she doesn't make progress, the time will come when you will decide, enough is enough. You'll just have to give things some time and see how they turn out. I wish you both the best.

[Seymore]

Thanks for the insight, desertsoul. It helped.

 

And yes, she can be a hothead - there are times where she'll be mad at something someone did and go on about it on and off for what seems like hours, and when she says "Don't you agree?" I just say "Some people are inconsiderate" or something calm and short. But she is willing to work on it and has done very well so far.