Making it all work.

[zehn]

Making it all work.

 

I'm jealous guy, I've been working on it really well, but I'm still very insecure about our relationship; our 3 year relationship with 1yr old son.

 

She doesn't feel very good about herself, and she doesn't feel I listen, or care what she has to say. I spend alot of time researching relationships and advice (which she knows).

 

The basic question is ..

 

Do I stop 'trying to get through'?

Do I just be there?

How do you show someone you love, you care, and you're there for them when they believe you're always an act, even when you're just being yourself.

 

 

I want to trust her, and on alot of levels I do. How do I fight the insecurity and jealousy, how do you push off that internal need for constant reassurance?

 

Where does the path start to trust, and showing one of your biggest loves what no words of affirmation, gifts, flowers and time seem to be able to show.

 

 

 

The real question;

 

How do you just stop being that guy that ruins her mood when she desperately wants to love you?

[Aurian]

Sounds like you both have some issues - one has jealousy, the other has insecurity.

 

I am not a jealous person, but speaking as a formly insecure person, some outside help might be beneficial. The problem with insecurity, is that it comes from inside and all the sweet words in the world from you are just a drop in the bucket compared to the insecurity she generates inside.

 

So she would need to learn how to accept herself. Counselling helped for me.

 

I still have insecure moments, but my solution is to tell my bf what is making me insecure (if I can`t rationalize it away myself). I have also decided to believe what my bf says (unless my trust should be broken) so if he says something, I will accept that on face value. So I am insecure or worried about something, I only need to ask once. My bf is understanding since he knows why I am insecure and that I am working to get over it.

 

Far as jealousy goes, I am less familiar with it, but have you tried being logical when you are feeling jealous? Have you tried talking to your girl when you feel jealous? Why are you jealous, are you insecure yourself?

[zehn]

Yes, my I was divorced due to cheating with a best friend. I am very insecure .. this was not always the case though.

[Aurian]

Ouch, that would make one feel rather jealous/insecure.

 

Maybe you both should try some counselling. I have insecurites due to my ex-husband being very emotionally abusive and he would rip me apart emotionally and mentally on a near daily basis. When it was over, I was pretty much insecure about EVERYTHING - who to trust, my looks, my personality, my desirability, my work, my family, you name it, he probably made me worried about it.

 

A good counselor helped me clear through the garbage and learn to trust myself more again.

 

Now, from that experience, I could have decided all men are scum and be on the alert accordingly, but that isn`t the way I wanted to spend my life. I decided to give my bf my trust as every person deserves a blank slate. I am a LOT more alert to any sign of bad actions or words, but thankfully I have not seen any in my bf so I continue to trust him.

 

Maybe you could tell your girl that you both have insecurities and you would like to try work on them together with a counselor (either go together or each go to one one your own). Then you might be able to trust yourselves a bit more and thereby be able to trust someone else.

[zehn]

I think counseller is definently in the plans. But I don't think bringing up yet ANOTHER relationship conversation would do anything productive. Remember I"m needy, so you can imagine the R talks have been to frequent. I'm really curious about the attitude, state of mind, and how I should act to get to the ball rolling in healing.