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Need Help Urgently!!


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Hi everyone,


This is the Jeffster and I'm sorry to report that my previous relationship has gone from bad to worse.


This is a VERY long story and it may be somewhat off topic, but I am trying to get help for my ex with her chemical dependancy issue.


If anyone has suggestions on how to get her help or has any experience dealing with this, I'd LOVE to hear it.


I've already tried all I can think of to deal with this on my own and I've run into roadblock after roadblock.


Any help from anybody on this forum would be greatly appreciated!!!



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Hi Jeffster


Unfortunately Remainstrong is right, there isn't a whole lot you can do to make someone quit substance abuse. All you can do is tell her how it makes you feel and how it affects you. You can also put some guidelines in place for yourself. You need to allow yourself to breath and let her decide what she wants. This situation is out of your control. Has she been to a rehab center or seen an addictions counsellor or shown any signs of wanting to give it up?


ps you can't force her to go to rehab either, as she can leave whenever she chooses to do so.

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I've never had an addiction but I have been around a lot of people that have had one. I know you know this and Remainstrong is right but they only way they will recover is if they admit they need help and submit to it. Having said that, I realize it is very easy for me to sit on the fence and say 'you need to do this or that'. I've never been there but I feel for you.


There are, though some things that maybe I can say to help YOU. It comes out in one of your last sentences:


I've already tried all I can think of to deal with this on my own and I've run into roadblock after roadblock.


Sometimes (or more often than we want to admit) we need to lean on something stronger than ourselves. For me, it is Christ. I won't preach to you. We both walk in different shoes, but I know you won't find anythnig better to lean on. If that's not a road that you feeel comfortable with then maybe consider talking to a councilor. One thing I do know is that people who have to deal with a loved one that is struggling with drub or alcohol abuse almost always at first try to deal with it on there own and they learn it is too overwhelming. That's where the councilor comes in. He/She can't fix your loved one's problem but they can help YOU deal with it in a constructive positive way. There are things they can point out to you keep yourself afloat because it will pull you down eventually without you realizing how deeply you have sunk. Between the two of you, one of you needs to be the rock. That can only be you right now. The two ways I describe above are the best ways. Either one will point to the other at some point and you will end up using both of these roads to help you and her. I will pray for you, man. My heart goes out to you and her.

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I thought she had turned down your proposal you broke up with her are you guys back together? If not then what does her dependency have to do with you? I know you love her but trying to help someone with a habit is an uphill battle and very draining, plus unless they want to help themselves or get help you are wasting your time. I know this firsthand.

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Thanks for the replies!


I am in the USA, Minnesota, to be more specific.


I too have been through rehab and have 20 years of sobriety under my belt, so I am quite familiar with this subjuct to say the least!


I know there is nothing I can do to help her if she doesn't want help, and if it was just her she was hurting, I would let it go. Unfortunately she has three kids that I love dearly and I can't just sit here and watch her destroy her kids lives without trying everthing in my power to fix this.


BTW, she is on booze and pills. Prescription pills, like Ritalin, Vicodin, Valium, you name it and she's probably on it.


As I said before, this is a long, painful story, but I'll give everyone the Readers Digest version:


I always knew there was something not quite right about her, but I could never quite figure it out. I suspected she was an addict right away, but I just wasn't sure and I knew if I confronted her about it, she would drop me like a rock, which is exactly what happened and it's the reason she refuses to speak to me at this time.


About a week ago, I went to a professional to talk about my relationship and after speaking to the counselor about it she asked me if I thought she might have a problem with drugs and I said yes, I was pretty sure she did. She then told me that until she gets help, there would be no relationship because she'd always choose the drugs over our relationship. The counselor then referred me to an intervention specialist. After talking to him, he assured me that he's very sure she does indeed have a problem and I was doing the right thing by trying to help her and her kids.


However, after talking to several of her friends and family members it became very apparent that none of them wanted to do anything and they all told me to basically stick it and that they didn't want to get involved.


The Interventionist is now telling me that they are probably all as sick as she is and that without them on board, there's not much we can do because we won't have enough power over her to get her to do much of anything. And that's where I'm at.


I am not, however, going to give up completely until I have tried everything I can think of, if not for her, but for the sake of her kids. And that is the reason I am posting this to see if anyone has any similar experiences with this subject and may be able to help me.



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If you do believe in some sort of religion all you can do is pray, and hope for the best because they really have to come to the realization on their own. Some have to hit rock bottom in order to pull themselves up. I watched my godmother die and she was addicted to crack cocaine. We put her in rehab centers, she had been to prison a couple of times, and all of that didn't change the habit that she had. I don't know if the addiction was too strong or she just didn't have the desire to be clean but what I do know is that was the most emotionally draining time in my life. You really have to just step away because you can't save her.

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Every addict I have ever met (and I can count about 7) whether it was alcohol or drugs all have said the same thing. After they're clean there usually one drink or one hit being right back to where they were so it is a life-long struggle. A lot of people win and a lot don't. I feel for you thouse & I'm sorry for what you've had to go through.

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Thanks for the replies and kind words of encouragement, it means a lot, it really does...


First of all, yes, this is the girl I proposed to, because my thinking was if she said yes, then I would have more leverage over her to seek help. Either get help or there's no marriage, but that didn't work.


And I have no idea why God chose me to help her, but there's no way I'm going to let him or anyone else down. I don't care how hard this is...


And, in closing, I'd like to say that this is one of those deals that unless you've been throught this, you have no idea how terrible this thing is. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.


I have been through this before with one of my former roomates about ten years ago and I successfully did an intervention on him. He refused help and one month later he was dead. It doesn't get any more severe than that and if god forbid, anthing like that happens to my ex, I swear, a part of me will die right along with her.


And, also, I am a Christian myself and my faith is what is sustaining me through this rough time in my life.



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First, Jeffster, I am glad to hear you are a Christian and you are willing to be there. I commend you for that and she is blessed to have someone like you. That's why God chose YOU.


As you pointed out in your first sentence, bargaining with her made no difference. Christ himself could be standing there offering to help her but if she is unwilling to help herself it won't happen. As you know, there is example after example in the Bible where Jesus would say - 'You see but you don't believe' - even when He preformed miracles they still wouldn't believe.


A lot of women marry the man that abuses them becasue they think they can change him. It rarely works. When it does it is becasue he realizes he needs help and wants to change. I am going through it right now with my brother so I know what you're going through. His condition is violent at times (my mom is terrified of him) - and it breaks my heart but only HE can make changing for the better happen. Other than prayer, nothing me or my mom will say will do it.

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Another thing that maybe you haven't considered. Are there any clinics in your area that specifically deal with people in her condition? In my county there are a couple that work wonders. The patient can either check themselves in or they can be forced in by court order if it can be shown they are going to hurt themselves or someone else. Once they go in - they can't get out until they are 'clean'. No visitors, etc. And it works. I personally know a young women that was hooked on everything you can imagine from heroin to you-name-it. She is about 30, all her teeth had fallen out, she looked like she was 60. Saadly, she was a beautiful woman before all of this happen. Her family didn't hear from her for years but she eventually came back to the area and they forced her into one of these clinics and it's been 3 years since. She's getting her health back, her youthful looks are returning, she has done a complete 180 so I know it can happen.

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Talk to the police, sheriff, or prosecutor and ask their advice. They will know it's not that you want to get her arrested or anything like that. They deal with it EVERYDAY so that's a good place to start. They constantly deal with people that they legally have to force into treatment.

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If you are truly doing all this because you are concerned for her kids and think her children are in danger due to her drug addiction or for any other reason, then you should call Child Protection Services and have them investigate. They will determine if the children are safe.


As far as she is concerned, you cannot help her unless she wants help and your attempts to meddle in her concerns are going to drive her further away and make her hate you. Let her be, she needs to have her own epiphany and you can't make it happen for her.

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good point on Children Services.

As far as letting her be - tough love? Maybe. I know you know this but turning your back on someone you love when you not willing to give up would be in my case one of the hardest things I could ever do in my life. Until I were faced with that decision, I wouldn't want to say - ok - that's what I'll do. I know outside of love there are painful decisions in life we sometimes have to make that we never in a million years thought we would ever be faced with. When my sister lost her only child, her and her ex husband had to face deciding to turn off life support and then think about organ donation. Six hours earlier my sister was hugging her as she went out the door at my mom's house.

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Me again...


First of all, yes, I am truly doing this for the safety of her kids... and her... and me.


And as far as her hating me goes... as the drug treatment specialists have said, she's more than likely, no matter what I do, will never hate me any more than she does right now. Trust me, I don't think it's possible to hate any more than she already does. My only solice is that it's her addiction that's causing this hate and not her...


I have also thought to call the local police, sheriff, child protection services, etc., but I am very hesitant to do that until I have tried everything else first. And I guess I'm not quite there yet, but I have a feeling it may be coming soon...



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I agree with you on the hate. With all that is going on addiction-wise you are dealling with two people but you can only see the 'bad' one. Know that you are really are doing all that anyone can do right now. That's some comfort. The welfare of the children you've put first, and that's exactly all you can do. One thing that might help you is to get a professional involved at some point with you in this situation. Things may get significantly worse and human nature might delay you or prevent you from doing what you know you need to do. With someone in that capacity involved, you will know that you have abundantly done everything that anyone can do, and you've made the right decision to go to the next will be taken or supported fully by those that deal with this every day.

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