Emotions & State of Mind - Pre & Post Divorce

[benga]

A strange time of year. I have been on this board for about 9 months and its strange that there are so many people suddenly appearing on the divorce section of this forum off late.

 

I wanted to get some thoughts from those out there that have been divorced or about to get divorced or are in the midst of a divorce what some of the emotions I may expect to experience in the months to come. I feel ok. I hope the worst is over, since we have been separated for 1 year. I have been given to understand that divorce has it own emotional trauma and I may find myself hitting some new and unexplored lows during the course of the next 6 months - i.e the process of divorce.

 

Many of you would be familiar with my story. 1 years separation completed on December 12. The X is a walkaway and took me completely by surprise. I went through the usual grief during the early months of separation (together since high school), but have begun to heal gradually and steadily. Communication with the X has been sporadic but civil. She slots perfectly into the "Walkaway wife Syndrome" with a "dysfunctional ego" category. Something I have come to understand well and something that has provided many answers of "why?". Irrational behaviours, no sense of guilt, remorse, responsibility and everything is my issue and my fault. Something I have accepted that will never change in her mind.

 

Well - she doesn't want to work on the relationship, is "happy", is on “fully display”, doesn't want to come home, and insists that I meet my daughter once a fortnight - something that will never work for me. So, here I was in limbo-land and living in hope. I suggested that we divorce and move on with our lives. Since then, she has been evasive. I have set lawyer meetings and she has not attended. I bring up divorce and get no response. She had to get back to me a few days ago on her terms & conditions, and she hasn't come up with them as yet. I can’t and don’t want to figure that piece of her mind out. I want to move ahead and living in limbo never worked with me and its about time that I took control of my life and its direction - with or without her. If I don't hear back in a week - I can file in anycase for abandonment without cause.

 

Back to the purpose of this thread. I want to understand from those in similar situations and from those who have been through it, what can I expect to feel like over the next few months until the divorced is final and how can I expect to feel emotionally after that?

 

Emotions during a separation and divorce are very different. I understand and recognize that. Its important to be well prepared and understand oneself during the process. It will help keep me prepared for any strange, unknown behaviour I may display in times to come. Emotions that are currently alien to me.

 

Advice is most welcome and would be hugely appreciated.

 

Couldn't sleep much tonight, thinking about the future. I have finally agreed to have some friends set me up on a few dates. Let’s see how those go. At least I have something to look forward to. I am a smart, fit, successful, intelligent guy - just hope I am doing the right thing here If I feel I am not ready, I will back way off. I think I am doing this more for the sake of company and companionship rather than any relationship or sexual escapades.... something I need to make clear upfront..

 

Strength and my support, solidarity to all out there...

 

Benga

[John Bendix]

Benga,

 

Just wanted to get your new thread rolling. You know how I see things and I think that you doing great and seeing things clearly.

 

Don't worry for the future, things will come as they may. There is nothing that you cannot handle in this moment. Hard to deal with the future for it's not here yet!

 

CU back at the "Club"

[AutumnBorn]

Benga, I'm right there with you. I've only been separated a few months. We've been together for 25...but yesterday he came over for the annual tree cutting and mouse ornament hunt. We had dinner together. Happy family time, like he'd never left. Since I let go of my anger, everything has gotten better for me. It's changed my life. I miss him terribly, but will never take him back as he is.

 

I don't know how I'll feel in the future, but right now, I feel pretty confident about my decision to never settle for less than complete dedication and fidelity. I'm also very confident that he'll never be able to give it to me or anyone. I'm not taking it personally.

 

My sister moved up here from Florida and it's better with her in the house. Gives me someone to talk with instead of talking with him. That's what I miss the most. Talking with him. And watching him sleep. He's gorgeous.

 

I hope you do go out on some dates. Would love to hear you're having a good time.