Its 4 AM

[HajiMaji]

Its really late, and I am super tired. I just got back from going out with my roomate and some of our friends. It was one of my boys' birthday, and we went clubbing (something I really dont like very much, but I was happy to go for his birthday)

 

Anyway, Ive been thinking a lot lately and I have realized a few powerful things from reading my old posts from 2.5 years ago.

 

1) I am sort of falling into the same patterns I have previously fell into. I am out of a relationship and wanting a new one. I try to be good about it, but I cannot lie. I am super excited to be in love again.

 

2) 1 month before I met my next girl friend, I had some crappy contact with my ex and it set me back. I must have felt so bad about it to make a post. Little would I know 1 month later I would be in an exciting new relationship.

 

3) I took a lot longer to heal from my last relationship compared to this one. I am definitely still dealing with stuff now, but its really just the whole "feeling lonley" thing or "wanting a new girlfriend" thing, whatever you want to call it. I previously posted feeling 'healed' with my first ex, but I wasnt really. I still had unresolved issues and stuff. I can honestly say I couldnt care less about my break up with my first ex. 100 percent, it doesnt make me feel any kind of upset.

 

Why are these good things to realize?

 

1) It is good to recognize this pattern so that I can try and make sure I am doing healthy things for myself. Often, patterns we get into are spawned from convenience or something not so great. Realizing this, I need to just watch myself and make sure I dont focus on women too much.

 

2) This is nice to know, because eventually we get to a point in our healing where we feel pretty solid but have an occasional set back. These small set backs dont necessarily mean that we will not find a new significant other soon. It can happen, and we never really know what is in store for us or when it is coming.

 

3) This is awesome to know because that means I will also be 100 percent healed from this new break up. Even when I started my next relationship, I wasnt 100 percent healed, but I was healed enough so that I was able to take wisdom from the failed relationship and apply it to the new. Furthermore we established a really great relationship, and any baggage I had was so light that it didnt matter. So, I could probably get with someone new at this point in my healing. But most importantly, I am just happy to know that I will be completely unaffected by all this pain in the future, even if I have to wait 2 more years and have a new girlfriend.

[shell80]

Haji...

 

I like your style and your thinking, but I think that if you re-read your post tomorrow morning, there will be a clear message to you matey..I think you need to be single, by yourself for a while.

[CatsMeeoow]

hmmm... those 4am revelations!

 

You sound very good and seem to know which road to take next... you'll get there!

[-BK-]

"Moving On: Dump Your Relationship Baggage and Make Room for the Love of Your Life" - Russell Friedman & John James. Honestly Haji, this would be a great book for you to read. I know how you think and I'm sure you'd get quite a bit out of it...

[HajiMaji]

Ill read that book! It sure cant hurt, and Ill let you know how I like it once Im done.

 

And yeah shell80, I am really not trying to push myself into a new realtionship. I feel like I have craved relationships too much in the past. Once I got out of highschool, I loved the whole being in a relationship thing, and sometimes I think I loved it too much. There has got to be something going on there. My need for intimacy seems too high or something. Im working on it. I seem to form deep relationships with my friends only, and that I have very few casual relationships. Sometimes i think that is another clue. But maybe that is just a type of person I am, I am not sure yet.

 

But anyway, your point is taken. I do not feel like there is anything super big holding me back from a new relationship; however, I really feel like I am worse at being single than most people. That is a problem that probably needs fixing, and once it is fixed will probably help me in all facets of my life, single or not. For this reason, I do not think I should try so hard with finding a new relationship to be in. If I have a problem living harmoniously while single, I should probably understand that better as opposed to getting in a new relationship and forgetting about it. I dont want to support my previous pattern of behavior when something smells fishy about it.

 

The good news is, after having some time under my belt as an adult, I am right now living better without someone to love romantically than I ever have (its still pretty bad compared to many of my friends, but hey its still progress). Going through life really helps a lot.

[SarCareBear]

I feel like I have craved relationships too much in the past. Once I got out of highschool, I loved the whole being in a relationship thing, and sometimes I think I loved it too much. There has got to be something going on there. My need for intimacy seems too high or something. Im working on it. I seem to form deep relationships with my friends only, and that I have very few casual relationships. Sometimes i think that is another clue. But maybe that is just a type of person I am, I am not sure yet.

 

hey i feel i am the same way. i basically crave intimacy with others and expect a lot of it from relationships, friendships and especially romance, where i am always willing to reciprocate. perhaps some people are just "like this".

i'm beginning to believe that eNA is comprised of a specific subset of rather sensitive people; it's obvious really, it's people who value self-reflection and their emotional world. when you step out of eNA, you realize some people just don't try, or care about handling their emotions and growing to be better the way people on here strive to do.

 

needless to say, people like us who spend a lot of time inhabiting their emotional world will feel the pain of something like lost love more strongly than those who tend to float over the surface of things.

 

maybe being "emotionally deep" is just what we are, but i like you find myself often in struggle not to let the thought of being single or lost loves get me down. finding casual acquaintances or facilitating stress-free small talk remains somewhat of a mystery to me.. i have several very deep friendships which i would never betray, and i tend to treat romantic interests as manifestations of these deep important friendships which sets me up for quite the fall. being "casual" tends to be a struggle for me it's all or nothing with my emotions really, some have faulted me for it in the past, or claimed that the kind of super-sensitive emotional person that I am is destined to undergo a lot of hurt, which is worrisome

 

i wonder if there woud be a value in toughening up? well i am young still (19) so perhaps time will do it to me...

[HajiMaji]

I dont know if toughening up is the right answer. I think there is value in people like us. We still should try and improove upon parts of our lives that may be underdeveloped though for sure. I play soccer and am naturally right footed. When I play games and need to make a big play, I will usually put the ball on my right foot before I kick it. Its the easiest for me.

 

But that isnt a great thing to do. I work on my left foot a lot lately, and I am trying to break the habbit.

 

I am trying to do that in my emotional life as well, the only problem is, I do not exactly know what it is I lack sometimes. The inaccurate left foot was an easy problem to spot. This other stuff is more complicated Just dont go changing who you are too much. I know one thing I love about myself is how emotionally intune I am. I dont wanna lose that!

[SarCareBear]

i agree, especially with the part about working on underdeveloped parts of ourselves. like when i catch myself getting too serious over something, i try to do something lighthearted and fun (easy in college) or go somewhere new or making irreverent jokes, something to lighten my mood and remind myself that in life things do not always have to be emotionally significant or serious.

 

i agree that sometimes in the emotional life it feels there is something lacking. sometimes i feel i must "uncover" what this secret need is, but mostly i work through it and try to be strong to find the best sense of myself.

 

i also love how emotionally in tune i am and want to keep it for sure!! the comments are just some of my friends saying "the way love [i'm] going to get hurt a lot". well i just don't happen to carry around my old relationships like bitter wounds in my heart so that i'm actually open to love, what can be wrong with that ? it would be interesting to date someone who's the same way, or perhaps that would be a disaster waiting to happen who knows, in the past i've gotten the hots for very intelligent people who are nonetheless emotional dolts =P

[HajiMaji]

My mom says something similar to me. She says based off how I am in relationships I will always feel pretty low once they are over. Its good though. I dont think I could love as deeply and also just not feel the pain so hard. The reason I am thinking this is acceptable because once we are in a lasting relationship, we wont have to worry so much about the break ups. And ultimately, we get over lost loves. Its just a rough journey. Ill take that though.

[SarCareBear]

the only problem is i guess conceiving of a "long lasting relationship" and accepting that it could terminate at any time...

i need to loosen up my trust issues i suppose. being broken up with feels like a highly personal betrayal, i don't know if i can ever feel it any other way.

[HajiMaji]

That is the hardest thing to get past. They two concepts are diametrically opposed. Im having to work on that too. Its possible I will just believe my future relationships will last forever, and then just feel heartbroken when it isnt the case. I really cant imagine being with someone for like 50 years and being 'ok' if they left any day. Im still thinking about it all though.