Hung up on this girl

[twfshamrock]

I have posted in here about this topic several times, but I think this may finally be my last.

 

For the last 2 years, I have been trying to forge a relationship with a girl I met at work. The entire time, she had a boyfriend. I made my feelings known for her, and she said she felt the same way, but didn't want to do anything while she was with him, which was cool. For the next several months, I talked to her off and on, but mostly about work (she worked at another store)

 

3 months ago, she decided to leave the job and called me for advice on what to do. I helped her with every little detail and told her I would help her out with anything she needed, which she really seemed to appreciate.

 

She then began to call me A LOT and come down to my store to visit, sometimes for hours. I'm pretty sure her boyfriend had no knowledge of this. Before I go any further, I am 28 years old, and she is 21. Her boyfriend is about her age.

 

She often complained about him and said they argued "all the time". I tried to avoid this topic and really gave her no advice on what to do with him. The biggest mistake I made was I began to help her out financially. He didn't bring home much money and what he did, he had to use on his own problems. This is a girl who has 3 children, 2 of which are from this guy. She would bring her kids down to the store, almost on purpose, to see me. When I say I helped her out financially, it wasn't a few dollars here and there, it was a substantial amount of money.

 

Eventually, we had a talk and I told her I was having a hard time being "just friends" with her. I told her it was obvious we wouldn't be able to have this "friendship" forever, because everything she did, she did behind his back. She downplayed that whole topic and said since I had been such an important part of her life of late, she would talk to me whether he liked it or not.

 

A few weeks later, she came to the store and told me that they had separated. During that conversation, she said she was going to go out of town that weekend since I hadn't "asked her to do anything". I wasted no time in asking her to do something and we made plans to go out to dinner and then to a movie. I knew it was a longshot because she'd have to find a babysitter. She called me a few hours later and said we wouldn't be able to go cause she had no one to watch the kids and her "ex-boyfriend" was going to have to come and pick up his stuff anyway. Worried about her, I asked her to call me back when he left, which she did. She said she'd call me later that night or the next day. This was Friday night and I didn't hear from her all weekend.

 

I waited until late Sunday night, and I had a bad feeling about calling her, but I did anyway. There was no answer. 5 seconds later, her number came up, but guess who it was? Bingo! The ex-boyfriend. He asked what I wanted, I said I wanted to talk to her. He said he'd "rather I didn't" but I finally convinced him to let her talk. He said she had 30 seconds. She got on the phone and you could literally hear him counting down in the background, yelling. I said I didn't think he was going to be there and I let her go.

 

A half an hour later, he called me back. He told me he didn't want me talking to her anymore which led to arguing, yelling, and him threatening me physically. I told him that if she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore, that would be the end of it. I wasn't taking anything from him. He asked her to say it multiple times and she refused. He and I continued arguing for about 20 minutes until finally she said "Quit calling, get over it".

 

Are you serious? Keep in mind that I NEVER called this girl. She always called me. She always initiated the contact. And now I'm being made out to be the bad guy? I am crushed. I feel completely used. I feel like everything I said in that conversation a few weeks ago, the one she downplayed, was right on. To me, this is a classic case of a girl who isn't happy with what she has, but yet doesn't have it in her to change that.

 

This was about 10 days ago and I haven't heard a word from her since. In my mind, if she had any kind of character, she would call, even if she said we couldn't talk anymore, and apologize. If it were me, I couldn't even look myself in the mirror I'd feel so bad. And I know, even if I was at fault here, I didn't deserve that.

 

I've had thoughts of going to a payphone or some number they wouldn't recognize and calling her, just to talk to her one more time, but I know that's a bad idea. I guess the question in all my rant here is why? Why do people do this kind of stuff? And why, even with everything she did, do I still think about her all the time? I really felt a connection to this girl. I was able to look past all her issues because I felt so close to her. Why would she be satisfied with someone who can't provide for her in any way, when I could've given her much more? I guess I just hate feeling like I did something wrong here, because I feel almost attacked.

 

If I was this guy, there's a good chance I'd probably do the same thing. So as much as I dislike him, I can't blame him. Apparently, they had some sort of reconciliation over that weekend, and I probably shouldn't have called her. But at the same time, I was tired of her talking to me when it was convenient for her. I was tired of having to do things in such a sneaky fashion.

 

I know I just need to move on and get over this, but how do I do that when I feel this way? Anyone who has anything to help me, I'd really appreciate it.

[programmer]

I know I just need to move on and get over this, but how do I do that when I feel this way? Anyone who has anything to help me, I'd really appreciate it.

 

You only have yourself to blame. She was never your's. If I was her boyfriend, I would probably have beaten you up. Why knew she had a boyfriend and children with him, why did you try to breake it?

 

Lesson learned, and never do it again and pretend being the victim.

[twfshamrock]

You only have yourself to blame. She was never your's. If I was her boyfriend, I would probably have beaten you up. Why knew she had a boyfriend and children with him, why did you try to breake it?

 

Lesson learned, and never do it again and pretend being the victim.

 

Unbelievable. Yet, in all these forums, you get a response like this. As I stated above, ALL the talks/visits were initiated by HER, not me. If this guy was keeping her happy, that wouldn't have been happening. I never tried to split them up. Yeah, I told her I liked her, 2 years ago, and she told me she liked me as well.

 

I will accept partial blame because I was part of this. But this thing blew up when I called her after she told me they had BROKEN UP!!!!! How do I deserve what happened, after everything I did for her? And how does your reply make any sense now?

[auburnslp]

Dude, you ask why do people do this? Well, in this case it's because she is a screwed up puppy. 21 years old, 3 kids, 2 with a current boyfriend who she is having difficulties with, the other kid from who? Doesn't matter. She is messed up.

 

I am not criticising here. I just divorced a girl after less than a year of marriage who was screwed up-2 kids, one she had abandoned, one from an affair with a married man. Twice divorced at 26 years old when I met her. I was an idiot-I saw the red flags and didn't run. My divorcing her makes her 28 and 3 times divorced, and here's the funny part of the story-she is pregnant now with her boyfriend's baby-they have been dating for a few months And she loves it-she thinks this is the greatest thing. I know because she still contact me though I completely ignore her.

 

The short answer is that there are very attractive, very fun, but VERY screwed up people out there. Run like Hell. You have been given a gift. Take it.

[Firehawk13]

Dude, there are just a lot of heartless women out there. The red flag for you should have been the three children at age 21, and one of them not even belonging to her current boyfriend (do I need to mention the no-no of children without a marriage?). That to me is already a huge red flag smacking me in the face saying "bad news, bad news." I think it was a bad lapse of judgment on your part giving her financial aid, which is the only thing you are to blame for here.

 

Aside from that, she just sounds like a cold, heartless * * * * * . Might need to brush up on your character judgment.

[Momene]

I think she was just playing you for attention and had no intention of splitting with her boyfriend.

 

I think he's right in asking you to back off.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you are a good guy with good intentions, and she is NOT a good person who uses whomever she wants to get whatever she needs at the moment.

 

You asked why she would stay with a loser who has no money like her boyfriend? well, she goes and gets money out of other guys to support them! what she could best be described as doing is leading you on and telling you sad stories to evoke your sympathy then hitting you up for money. she's kept you on the hook for 2 years, and you say it was a substantial amount of money, so there's your answer right there. i don't know too many 'nice' women would take a lot of money from a guy when they're dating someone else (or even take a lot of money period unless they paid it back and had a formal loan).

 

it sounds like she WANTS to be with him, she also just wants more money. so she is solving her problem by playing you. she could very well be doing this to several other guys you don't know about.

 

you also have to look at what she does, not what she says. she has been talking like she's going to get with you eventually, but there's always another excuse. and you only hear her side of the story. the guy she's with may not be nearly as bad as she claims, but it makes a good story to get money and sympathy out of someone else. she plays the victim, your wallet opens because you are a good guy who wants to help.

 

she probably takes that money and goes out and parties and buys her boyfriend something nice.

 

so i am not being harsh, but i dated a guy like this once. it took me WAY too long to recognize that he and i have very different value systems. i only say what i mean and back it up, and i try to solve my own problems and take care of myself. he would say anything (true or not) to get what he wanted, and would take large amounts of money from different women (who weren't aware of each other) to solve his latest financial crisis that was of his own making.

 

so she is one step above con artist, or maybe IS a con artist depending on how openly and frequently she uses people like this.

 

so my advice is she will NEVER grow character and turn into someone you want her to be. she's a user, and those kind of people you just have to walk away from and tell yourself, lesson learned!