Don't want to see grandma this christmas..

[jmantra]

Well it looks I'll be spending my first christmas alone, my family usually goes down to my mum-mum's for christmas, but this year I don't want to go.

 

On thanksgiving my grandmother made a big hoobla about my room being a mess (living at home, trying to save up to move out). I don't mind when people critisize me, but the way she went about it was unnessvarily cruel and harsh. She just looked at me and said "You make me sick, I don;t even want to look at you because of the way you keep your room" or something like that and said it in a such way as if I was the most dispicable person in the world for having my room messy. This upset me so much that I stormed out of the house and went for a drive. This isn't the first time she has come down on me like this, and she has also done to my cousin. She also likes to talk bad about people behind their back which I don't like.

 

 

Now I love my mum-mum, but I am not sure if I want her in my life if she shes going to be so unusually harsh on me. I am getting real sick and tired of her negativity and am thinking about cutting her out of my life completely since she is stubborn and will outright refuse to admit she has problem. What do you guys think?

[southerngirl]

YOu only have her once in this life and when shes gone there will be no more Christmas dinners.

 

Think long and hard if you really want to cut her from your life.

 

I know, my grandmother and mother are both gone.

 

I miss them everyday and trust me, we had our moments when I wished mom would have treated me better. But shes gone now..

 

Just a thought. I can not tell you what to do. But if you decide you want to cut her out of your life, thats your choice... Just be sure its what you really want because there is no going back .

[sti_2004]

is it really just because of your messy room or does she just get on you about a whole heap of things??

are you really lazy or something? do you have a job?

[jmantra]

YOu only have her once in this life and when shes gone there will be no more Christmas dinners.

 

Think long and hard if you really want to cut her from your life.

 

I know, my grandmother and mother are both gone.

 

I miss them everyday and trust me, we had our moments when I wished mom would have treated me better. But shes gone now..

 

Just a thought. I can not tell you what to do. But if you decide you want to cut her out of your life, thats your choice... Just be sure its what you really want because there is no going back .

 

 

The thing is I really don't want to but I don't like the way she treats me and others, and I can't deal with her anger and negativity, I have my own issues to contend with without have to deal with hers. I can't really talk to her about it because she is 76, stuck in her ways, and stubborn as a mule. I don't what other options I have other having to put up with her crap and her scrutiny

[tommy_bud]

Grandma's grew up in a different era, with different values. They are allowed to say that kind of stuff to you. You have to realize that when grandma says this stuff, it has a different meaning then if your mother or friend said the same thing. Grandma's grew up during the depression. Yours might not have even had her own bedroom to take care of back then, and if she did she couldn't imagine living in a mess.

 

I'd recommend taking out your stresses on someone other then grandma, they get old really fast

 

Don't take what she says personally, instead of storming out just ignore it and say I love u too grandma. No big deal.

[jmantra]

do you have a job?

 

 

excuse me???? Yes I do what does that have to do with anything? I made this post to vent because I cannot cope with the way she treats and I don;t appreciate you taking shots at me. I have autism and executive dysfunction I have a hard time keepinbg my room straightened up because of that. Why don;t learn more about me before and my situation before you take cheap shots at me, ya?

[jmantra]

Don't take what she says personally, instead of storming out just ignore it and say I love u too grandma. No big deal.

 

Not taking things personally is easier said then done for me, I was bullied a lot growing up and can't really take much crap from people anymore and hate how people are so judgemental, like the one guy asking whether or not I have a job and whether or not I am lazy when I have neuroligcal problem.

[Pocket Rocket]

have you told her how much she's hurting you with her put-downs? I think if you tell her how she's making you feel without criticizing her (and believe me this is hard) it should stop. If it doesn't calmly tell her that being around her when she puts you down like this all the time is unhealthy for you and you need some time away from her.

 

One of two things could happen, either she'll never own up to having done anything wrong (it takes a lot of maturity and responsibility to do that, she may not have what it takes) or she'll stop or lessen the put-downs.

 

Hy dad used to put me down a lot, sometimes telling me I was a burden, or useless, sometimes making jokes about being a nerd, or being ugly and for years my self esteem was so down in the dirt I thought I was the ugliest (ugly duckling syndrome), most unworthy person on earth. I eventually owned up to the fact that I was letting him put me down and after 21 years spoke to him about it for the first time and how much he was hurting me. To this day he hasn't tried to put me down and when he does get unreasonably angry all all I have to ask is 'why are you so angry at me?' calmly and by some miracle he just stops

 

Hopefully this helps but being around someone that treats you like that and brings down your self esteem is not healthy. She's probably just scared and hurt herself about other issues and takes it out on other people (my dad still criticizes random strangers and complains all the time, now I know it's because he's been really hurt in the past and is very insecure). If you need to walk away do so, but use the time to work on you and your self esteem and unconditionally loving yourself so when you do come to face her, it'll be water off a duck's back.

[Pocket Rocket]

Don't take what she says personally, instead of storming out just ignore it and say I love u too grandma. No big deal.

 

Actually this is a good idea, next time she does something like this to you, just say "You're right, I've been messy and inconsiderate, I'm sorry" give her a hug and tell her you love her. Then step back and watch her anger at you fizzle away. I've done this before it works. Own up to the fact that you are messy, don't get defensive about it and don't get angry - it never works

[jmantra]

Thank you for your post Pocket_rocket, I'd love to talk to her about this but like you said, she may not be able to own up to it. How would you suggest I bring it up without critisizing her? Another thing she does that I find annoying is she gives unsolicated advice, i find this annoying and patronizing. I am not a child, I am 24 years old.

[jmantra]

Actually this is a good idea, next time she does something like this to you, just say "You're right, I've been messy and inconsiderate, I'm sorry" give her a hug and tell her you love her. Then step back and watch her anger at you fizzle away. I've done this before it works. Own up to the fact that you are messy, don't get defensive about it and don't get angry - it never works

 

 

That's easier said then done when your caught in the heat of the moment.

[tommy_bud]

Not taking things personally is easier said then done for me, I was bullied a lot growing up and can't really take much crap from people anymore and hate how people are so judgemental, like the one guy asking whether or not I have a job and whether or not I am lazy when I have neuroligcal problem.

 

I'm also guilty for jumping to conclusions based on a post or two. It happens to all of us, that guy wasn't judging you I think he just made a wrong assumption without enough info.

 

Man now that I'm older I finally understand the negative loop that occurs when someone is always bullied / emotionally abused growing up. It leads to the person being extremely defensive at all times, suspicious of every comment, picking part compliments to see they were just camouflaged insults. This defensive reaction is undesirable to others, which leads to less people becoming friends and more negative attention. Man why are people such * * * * s to other people, I'll never figure it out.

 

I wonder if grandma has a modern view of what autism and your other affliction is. Back then, kids were rarely diagnosed with autism, it was just something that the person grew to live with, sometimes these kids were placed in mental hospitals for life. Have you or your parents explained to her that you simply can't keep your room straight? I'll never be able to understand what you must go through, but I would be more then willing to accept it. Maybe she just can't conceive of these illnesses you suffer from.

[Pocket Rocket]

Thank you for your post Pocket_rocket, I'd love to talk to her about this but like you said, she may not be able to own up to it. How would you suggest I bring it up without critisizing her? Another thing she does that I find annoying is she gives unsolicated advice, i find this annoying and patronizing. I am not a child, I am 24 years old.

 

Some people just don't change or are so hell bent on keeping this 'good-guy' image of themselves they'll do anything to maintain it, including attacking others to protect themselves, that's all part of insecurity. If you do want to bring this up just say something like "Grandma, I feel very hurt when you put me down - I love you grandma and I know you wouldn't intentionally want to hurt me, please consider m feelings"

 

That way you're not accusing her as a person, just pointing out how the way she acts makes you feel even if she might not intend to hurt you.

[Pocket Rocket]

That's easier said then done when your caught in the heat of the moment.

 

I know that too, it takes a lot of patience and above all enough courage to see that yes you have done something wrong, and be mature enough to own it. It also takes a lot of empathy to realise that the person attacking you is just scared, hurt or insecure and they are reacting to these underlying emotions. Taking on an accusatory tone will only make her get defensive, when you begin to get angry recognise your grandmother's behaviour for what it is - that of a very insecure person. recognise her hurt and love her through it. It's one of the quickest ways you can disarm anger. Tell me, when you storm out or argue back - has that worked before? If you get angry, no one really wins.

 

It takes a lot of practice just to be able to step down from a fight and refuse to argue, I used to be pretty defensive when I was younger because I had been hurt by others and bullied, so I used anger to manipulate others and protect myself from their anger. Once I realised that I am and will always be a good person and no attack on me will change that, most things don't really get to me anymore and I recognise an attack on my character for what it is - a reaction from a hurt soul - and I do what I can to love them through it - trust me when I say some days it's hard!!!

[Pocket Rocket]

Man now that I'm older I finally understand the negative loop that occurs when someone is always bullied / emotionally abused growing up. It leads to the person being extremely defensive at all times, suspicious of every comment, picking part compliments to see they were just camouflaged insults. This defensive reaction is undesirable to others, which leads to less people becoming friends and more negative attention. Man why are people such * * * * s to other people, I'll never figure it out.

 

Because they were hurt and insecure too and used their anger to manipulate you and protect themselves from getting hurt. Of course, these are reasons, -not- justifications. What they did was wrong, but you can grow by learning from that whatever people say about you it doesn't change the fact that you are and will always be a good person inside. Just because you're short, or messy, or lazy doesn't make you a bad person, but you do have to own up for doing bad things and try to change.

[jmantra]

I know that too, it takes a lot of patience and above all enough courage to see that yes you have done something wrong, and be mature enough to own it.

 

 

Yes I agree the only problem is, this is something I cannot help and I really don't have anything to own up to, other than the fact that I have a disability. It takes a lot more energy and effort for me to keep things sorted than it does for a normal person and I think it;s really unfair for people to hold that against, I shouldn't have to be ashamed for having a disability just because people don't understand it.

 

And thats why I am afraid to talk to her about it because I fear she won;t be able to understand, plus like I said she has tendency to talk about others behind their backs, even her own family.

[sti_2004]

excuse me???? Yes I do what does that have to do with anything? I made this post to vent because I cannot cope with the way she treats and I don;t appreciate you taking shots at me. I have autism and executive dysfunction I have a hard time keepinbg my room straightened up because of that. Why don;t learn more about me before and my situation before you take cheap shots at me, ya?

 

heeey ho hey ho... wasnt taking any shots bro just trying to diagnose the situation bud. sorry.

 

very defensive indeed. chillout a bit man, im sorry you had a rough childhood, im also very defensive and i also jump down peoples throats when i think they are taking me for an idiot.

 

take your reply to me for example . i really wasnt taking a shot at you but you took it pretty bad. are you getting overly angry at grandma?

[melrich]

I think that not going at Xmas would be a big overreaction, like this is a big overeaction,

 

excuse me???? Yes I do what does that have to do with anything? I made this post to vent because I cannot cope with the way she treats and I don;t appreciate you taking shots at me. I have autism and executive dysfunction I have a hard time keepinbg my room straightened up because of that. Why don;t learn more about me before and my situation before you take cheap shots at me, ya?

 

The poster was not to know your personal background. He just wanted more information so to refine his advice.

 

Family get under our skin sometimes but they are still family.

[jmantra]

are you getting overly angry at grandma?

 

First of all sorry for getting defensive.

 

Secondly generally I try not to get angry at people and avoid conflict as much as possible however she is getting on my case about something I can;t really help, and saying "you make me sick" in a really harsh voice is overreacting IMO.

[melrich]

Yeah I think she has been harsh and probably rude. I still don't think it is a big enough reason not to go to the family Xmas. You are only punishing yourself by doing that.

 

Buy her a crappy present if it makes you feel better.

[annie24]

i wonder if she is going through initial stages of dementia - that can cause people to say things that are totally inappropriate. i don't know if she has always been like this or not, but it is possibility she is showing signs of dementia. is it just for one day, or for the whole week? if it is just for one day, you can go. if you really don't feel comfortable going, then go somewhere else or volunteer at a shelter that day.

 

i have some family i don't get along with, so i understand rather wanting to be alone than be with them.

 

is your grandma like this to everyone? and did she invite you to come to her house?

[Pocket Rocket]

And thats why I am afraid to talk to her about it because I fear she won;t be able to understand, plus like I said she has tendency to talk about others behind their backs, even her own family.

 

Unfortunately you can't force people to change, it's a journey they have to take on their own, it's not our place to force them into it. On the other hand, you're not responsible for giving your grandmother everything she wants, you have two choices - live with it and love her anyway, let this brush over your back (again, hard), or leave BUT I'd advise taking the second option only if it's because you want to grow yourself and learn to let her comments brush off easily in the future. Leaving her for what she's doing will only reinforce to her insecure self that she's an unlovable person and chances are, she will never own up to the hurt she's caused and still stick to her behaviour. Try my second piece of advice and see how she reacts.

 

Clearly your disability makes it harder for you to clean up, You shouldn't have to own up to it at all. just tell her you're sorry for causing her inconvenience, hug her and tell her you love her. Your grandmother must've been really hurt in the past to get this bitter it's hard but love her through it, you may be surprised. When I learned my father reacted out of the extreme pain in his past I could see him for what he really was, and not get angry when he got angry, it's made things a lot easier. Keep me posted if you can. Good luck!

[jmantra]

I think you're right maybe I'll write her a letter letting her know how I feel, and atleast try to explain my disability so she can understand it, that way we can avoid another drama at christmas.

 

 

 

Shes always been like this, and this is not an isolated incident, this is something she has been doing for quite a while, and that is part of the reason why I am angry. I am really afraid she is going to make excuses for her behavior yet again and refuse to listen to my POV.

[Pocket Rocket]

letter sounds like a good idea, at least that way you're not in the heat of the moment. Be prepared for her getting defensive about it though, even if you're not accusing her of anything, hopefully she won't but let's not expect miracles!

[jmantra]

Now what I want to know is whether or not it;s really worth going down or not?