What does "dating" really mean?

[sandela]

I am a 43 yr old woman who feels like she has no concept of what "dating" really means. In the last 4 years of being divorced I have had boyfriends that I would see regularly and to me that was dating and neither of us were seeing other people. Is dating supposed to now mean seeing other men/women until you find the right one?

 

Anyways...I've met someone online and we've seen each other a couple of times and its been a lot of fun. At what point should either one of us take our profiles off the website? And when does exclusivity come in?

 

Here is part of his profile and I am analyzing it to death:

 

"At this point I dont mind just dating casually, and take each day as it comes, but Im open to a more serious relationship if we both have the desire to explore that route."

 

What does it mean?

[Dating Coach]

Here is part of his profile and I am analyzing it to death:

 

"At this point I dont mind just dating casually, and take each day as it comes, but Im open to a more serious relationship if we both have the desire to explore that route."

 

What does it mean?

 

It means:

I am cool with going out casually, no pressure for something serious, but if we have chemistry and things are going well, I'd be happy to enter an exclusive and serious relationship.

 

Basically, he's trying to avoid sending signals that he's seeking to jump right on into a serious relationship... as sending those signals reek of desperation, yet the end goal is for him to find a life-mate.

[Entropy Smith]

"At this point I dont mind just dating casually, and take each day as it comes, but Im open to a more serious relationship if we both have the desire to explore that route."[/u]

 

What does it mean?

 

Thats a legal disclaimer that says he can get out of the relationship at any time, and if you give him any trouble he can point to that and be gone.

[Ash]

In general I agree with EntropySmith. This person seems to be saying he doesn't actually want to say "No" to anybody right off the bat and he'll come accross the way you want him to. In other words, he's either not sure what he wants, or is sure and doesn't want to say it. Either way could be the sign of a future commitment issue if it gets that far. Too many guys (apparently) have wishy washy profiles because they think they have more of a chance that way.

[Tethys]

Until you have the exclusivity talk, you should assume that he is dating others, and you probably should too.

[Batya33]

Tethys is as usual correct. When I did online dating I mostly avoided profiles like that - almost everyone is open to exploring a serious relationship of the right woman or man comes along. I was looking more for a man whose goal was to look for someone to get serious with such that he would avoid casual flings.

 

having said that for me almost all dating starts out casually - meaning, non-exclusively - (I am 41) but if the mindset/wavelength is to see if there is potential for something serious that means that from the beginning both people try to learn about each other with that mindset - very different type of approach than a "I'm looking for casual but if it turns serious ok." The latter mindset isn't "wrong" it's just riskier if you are looking for a serious relationship.

 

Typically men would approach the "let's be exclusive" thing within the first month of dating with me. In the rare occasions they did not and two months had gone by, they would already know that I wasn't going to have sex without exclusivity and commitment (potential for the long term). I only was with one man where I had to bring that up first. Turned out to be a mistake for me - because I think that even though he said he was ready, he wasn't "that" into me (and that was why he didn't bring it up sooner).

 

With my current bf, since we knew each other before we started dating - for many years - we decided that if we were to start dating we would be exclusive from the start. By contrast, the man I met three months before I re-met my bf wanted to be exclusive starting with week two of dating - I wasn't ready (because I wanted to explore what I could see were some potentially serious insecurities on his part) and told him that I needed two months to decide. He was fine with that although it of course made him more insecure.

 

So - dating typically means you can date others unless you agree otherwise. I would never assume particularly if you plan to be intimate and expose yourself to STDs.

 

hope that helped

[JeckyllNHyde]

^^I agree but I personally would be unsure what to think if someone had "looking to be serious" in their profile. I would wonder if they where just settling for me b/c they wanted to be in a relationship.

 

Then again at 22 you don't find many people who clearly state they are looking to settle down. At if I where 40-ish it should be something someone is looking for if I where to date them...

[Batya33]

That is a negative way to view it - that someone serious minded is desperate. I could say the same about someone who wrote that they were only looking for casual - that maybe they wanted serious but would settle for casual.

 

I received many many e-mails when i had a profile. One of the first things I wrote in the narrative was "I am looking to settle down in the not too distant future. If that is not you that is fine and you probably should move on to the next profile." The overwhelming response was positive. I still got many responses looking for a casual fling (guess they just looked at my picture, lol) so I can imagine how many more fling-type e-mails I would have received without being direct about what I was looking for.

 

when I was 20 I met a man through a personal ad. He was 23 and said he was looking for a serious long term relationship. and that was what we had. he wasn't desperate and neither was I.

[rootcause43]

I wouldn't be alarmed by his profile. He is pretty much saying that he isn't looking to jump into something serious right away. Reasons:

 

1) A lot of the women he has met want to get serious right away and start talking long term on the 2nd date

 

2) He doesn't want to scare away women who are scared of men who talk marriage on the 2nd date.

 

3) He is an unoriginal profile writer.

 

Most profiles I read say pretty much the same thing....

 

"I love my life, job, world. Looking for someone to share time with and if something develops, then great". So he is just saying what everyone else does.

[Batya33]

But people who do want a serious relationship don't always want to jump into something serious right away, either (I didn't). What I read that profile as saying is between the lines "I am here mostly for flings but if I happen to fall in love along the way I am open to the idea of a serious relationship."

 

if the woman has a serious mindset it will most likely be an uphill battle unless she completely knocks his socks off right away and continues to do so.

 

with a serious mindset, the man or woman from the first date looks at things from the perspective of the long term - the qualities of the person, the chemistry, etc. all while hopefully having lots of fun on the dates. with a casual mindset, the mindset is focused more on having fun even if the person wouldn't make a compatible long term partner and has an easy out if the other person gets serious. With the serious mindset he or she has the more difficult task of explaining "yes I have a serious mindset but you are not what I'm looking for long term."

[JadedStar]

I disagree that what he stated makes him an unoriginal profile writer. I think i would be more respectful of someone stating that then if they say right off the bat they are looking for a serious relationship or marriage - reason being that this type of person will settle for someone who might not be the right woman just so he can accomplish his goal.

 

I would far rather want to date a man who looks at it as casual until the right woman for him comes along. That is healthy and not desperate. Someone who states they are looking for something serious might not be desperate but I wouldn't be as enamored with that type of profile because I would be afraid there is more inclination to get with a man who is giong to be in love with a relationship not the woman.

[Batya33]

I agree with you as long as his general goals are for a serious relationship. Then, you start out casually dating and if feelings and compatibility develop you decide to become exclusive. but I would want to know early on that his general goal was to find a LTR.

[ghost69]

dating = goind out and meeting people. if you click, awesome, you can change into exclusive. dating can also mean bf/gf too.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

dating = hanging out with a person/animal/or thing of the opposite sex or the same sex, where theres intrest and flirting involved.

 

you can date many things, dating is not limited to human interaction

 

one can date a cow, pig, chicken, comic book whatever you deem attractive to you.

[Dating Coach]

Jesus, the first few posts following mine seem to jump to a lot of negative conclusions about the guy's profile. I see no big deal in it at all, and I think those making a negative assumption about it are displaying more negative traits than that guy...

[Ash]

Jesus, the first few posts following mine seem to jump to a lot of negative conclusions about the guy's profile. I see no big deal in it at all, and I think those making a negative assumption about it are displaying more negative traits than that guy...

 

Well, that's what the words in his profile meant to meant to me.

 

I didn't realize I was asking you to judge my opinion by the way. You're not my coach! Another 20 years give or take and you may have different view of things too.

[Dating Coach]

Well, that's what the words in his profile meant to meant to me.

 

I didn't realize I was asking you to judge my opinion by the way. You're not my coach! Another 20 years give or take and you may have different view of things too.

 

The point is you are negatively judging that guy when it could have simply been honesty in his quote. I don't see how that is fair. Plus, I saw nothing that suggested anything negative.

[Ash]

The point is you are negatively judging that guy when it could have simply been honesty in his quote. I don't see how that is fair. Plus, I saw nothing that suggested anything negative.

 

I most certainly did not make a negative judgement. I simply offered my opinion based on what was quoted. My opinion is also based on feedback that I got from women on dating sites.

 

It's not a question of fairness at all.

 

You're actually the one talking of negatives and taking shots at the people commenting who don't actually happen to be in total agreement with what you said. There's nothing at all wrong with the different viewpoints we present and different viewpoints are quite valuable.

 

Saying I'm displaying negative traits because I'm giving an honest opinion based on years of experience is not called for.

[Dating Coach]

Look, I am not going to argue with you. The guy said:

 

"At this point I dont mind just dating casually, and take each day as it comes, but Im open to a more serious relationship if we both have the desire to explore that route."

 

And you said:

 

In other words, he's either not sure what he wants, or is sure and doesn't want to say it. Either way could be the sign of a future commitment issue if it gets that far. Too many guys (apparently) have wishy washy profiles because they think they have more of a chance that way.

 

I just don't think it's fair to say this could be a sign of commitment issues. The guy just said that if both parties have a desire to explore a serious relationship then he is open for it. To say that this could be a sign of commitment issues seems like an unfair judgement.

 

If you think it is a fair judgemment then fine, that's your opinion and you have your right to it. I just think it's an unfair quick judgement call when there appears to be nothing suggesting a commitment problem. The guy just said that he's open for serious relationships if both parties are interest.

 

Agree to disagree.