How does something like terminal illness factor into dating?

[rae0519]

Ultimately, when I think about relationships I think about the long term. I'm looking for that person that I will be old and gray with and sitting on our front porch in rockers. I have a feeling that the long term is what many people are looking for when dating (although the romantic ideal of being old and gray with that person may be some weird thing I have going on, alone).

 

With this in mind, how does terminal illness factor in? What if you met someone who you love being with in every way and "click" with in all the right ways but shortly after starting a relationship with them they found out they have a terminal illness (and I'm not talking immediate death but something more along the lines of 10-15 years)? How do you feel about continuing with this person even though you know ahead of time that your time together will be significantly shorter than you desire with several of those years also being severly impacted by the effects of the illness? Do you feel like you would be unnecessarily putting yourself into a difficult situation? Or would it be something along the lines of "enjoy the time with them while you have it"?

 

I'm interested in as many different perspectives as possible.

[someguy88]

I'd never let that get in the way. You can't help who you fall in love with. It's better to loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

[selkie]

(and I'm not talking immediate death but something more along the lines of 10-15 years)

 

Hmm. You mean HIV ?

Hope that with all the funding and research they'll be able to slow it down even further or cure it.

And also people can die suddenly from anything. Boom a bus hits you, etc.

Who knows if a Cosmic Death Ray will snuff out all life on our planet tomorrow ?

Or the Yellowstone Caldera burst and block out the sun with fallen ash ?

The only gurantee in life is that nothing is certain.

I went thru 9/11 in person, so I dont put much stock in basing my life on living for a bazillion years.

Its the here and now that matters.

[Atticus90]

no offense, but that's kind of weird. why would you want to date someone who has a bad illness and who is old and grey? wouldn't you want someone your own age?

[bigheart09]

no offense, but that's kind of weird. why would you want to date someone who has a bad illness and who is old and grey? wouldn't you want someone your own age?

 

Um I think she meant that she wanted to meet someone who she could be old and grey with, meaning grow old with.

[Jeen]

Well say you know you have cancer and you have say five year left that will be relatively normal would I want to spent it with someone, the answer is yes, but I don't think it is a choice I want for the simple reason I will only give him a lot of pain the day I die. I think it would be very selfsenterd of me to do this, for all I can offer him is a lot of pain, in him seeing me die slowly day by day, him looking at me and knowing this relasion has a end date. It is something I cannot expect or alow from someone even if he loves me a 1000 %

 

It is the way I see it.

[someguy88]

Well say you know you have cancer and you have say five year left that will be relatively normal would I want to spent it with someone, the answer is yes, but I don't think it is a choice I want for the simple reason I will only give him a lot of pain the day I die. I think it would be very selfsenterd of me to do this, for all I can offer him is a lot of pain, in him seeing me die slowly day by day, him looking at me and knowing this relasion has a end date. It is something I cannot expect or alow from someone even if he loves me a 1000 %

 

It is the way I see it.

 

yea, but you'd also be depriving the person you love of five great years.

[CarnelianButterfly]

We all die, a disease just gives a more definite time frame, doesn't change the person, doesn't change the love you feel. A shorter time together won't mean there is any less love or happiness.

[RayKay]

Well, I think that is going to highly depend on the personal circumstances of the people and the couple involved.

 

When I was younger, my boyfriend of three years by that point was diagnosed with an illness (diagnosed after rather severe symptoms) that though not officially "terminal" certainly COULD kill him at any time (just the nature of the illness). He did die suddenly about half a year later, , but I certainly do not regret staying with him and I would of stayed with him whether it was officially terminal or not. It was a terrible experience though (for the record, he was 25 at the time of his death, I was 22).

 

I can say that if my partner was diagnosed with something terminal today - I would also stay as we have a relationship built up at this point and I want to share my life and his life - however much time there is - with him. And I would certainly hope the same - and the risk for me at least is not that remote as I have a pretty high risk of earlier onset breast cancer in my family for example.

 

My mother and stepfather are going through this to, she has terminal breast cancer and while she could live for years and years, you never know. She was diagnosed two years ago this week and has gone through many treatments. My stepfather is there for her every step of the way, hoping for many many more years but there even if it isn't.

 

I know several other couples going through cancer, MS (which is not necessarily terminal but dehabilitating), and other diseases that can affect quality of life or be terminal.

 

If I had JUST met someone and they were diagnosed, it would highly depend on the circumstances, the time invested, the feelings at that point and what they wanted - often early on in a relationship someone going through that will focus on their health rather than relationships and would rather not get someone new involved. I know if it was me diagnosed, I would be hesitant to bring someone else into my life at that point whom was not already very firmly settled into it.

 

I know for me personally, it would be very hard to START something new with someone whom was in that state knowing that it would really affect whether I would have children with them or not (as I would not voluntarily want to put kids through that) and issues such as that, whereas it would be different down the road when I was older and maybe no longer looking to have children and the like.

 

And I will admit....the pain part really sucks. I never want to go through what I went with my late boyfriend again and his untimely death - of course with my boyfriend now nothing is guaranteed and of course I would stay and love him regardless if something happened -and eventually one of us has to go first, but I would not want to voluntarily sign up for that if I had just met someone as you described....as I do not want to go through that again for many, many, many years. So, that would definitely affect my decision and I cannot deny that....

[Jeen]

yea, but you'd also be depriving the person you love of five great years.

 

It would be five years he could be happy with someone els, why should I deprive him of having a family, children and planing his life to a date 20 plus years from now. Instead of him putting his life in a lot of ways on hold to love me for all I can offer him is five years. To me it is not right to this to someone I meet and really would have liked as a life partner.

[CarnelianButterfly]

5 years doesn't mean any thing for a man's fertility. Men are fertile darn near until they die. He could be very happy with you for 5 years and still have a family.

[Batya33]

If I knew that early on (meaning the first several dates) I probably would not get involved (and I would not want to have a child with someone with a terminal illness because that would unfairly deprive the child of a father). I agree with Raykay's approach and Raykay again I am so sorry you lost your former boyfriend......

 

A close friend of mine, then in her early 30s, was diagnosed with a terminal illness right before she got engaged. He stuck it out with her - what a saint, what a hero! - for the next almost 3 years - he married her 8 weeks after her diagnosis and she died 2.5 years later. He is getting remarried next year.

 

I would have understood if he didn't stick it out - maybe I would have had a twinge of disappointment, but I would have understood.

 

I would not want someone new in my life to stay in my life as a romantic partner if that happened to me - but it would be great if he remained supportive. I'd want him to go and find someone healthy.

 

Morbid topic.

[Jeen]

5 years doesn't mean any thing for a man's fertility. Men are fertile darn near until they die. He could be very happy with you for 5 years and still have a family.

 

A piece of you will be lost to your next life partner, she will have to deal with you and the times you will think of the past, things you did and loved, lol it is not that easy to just move on. And for that reason I would never encourage a relationship that start with this open on the table.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If you meet someone, be honest, be open, let them decide if they will stay.

 

If I met a wonder, amazing person and thought they were a special person, I would stay.

 

Sure he may have a long recovery after you die, but there is a pretty good saying: It's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. People do recover, he may not have his whole heart, but he can still be with other women and still live a happy life, one that you enriched.

[CaptainPlanet]

Impossible question to answer properly but I like this one.

 

'better to have loved and lost than to have loved at all'

[Batya33]

I think it's "than never to have loved at all." I agree with that but if I were that ill I would not want that to be the motivation for a man to stay with me at this point - if we just met, that is.

 

I also think the kind of love you can give a terminally ill person is emotional and physical support, TLC - it doesn't need to be a romantic relationship - it can be a close and loving/caring friendship.

[selkie]

G. K. Chesterton

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.

[Shiranai]

If I just met someone and find out they will die soon, I won't get romantically involved.

 

If my boyfriend/fiance/husband gets a terminal illness, I'll stay with him no matter what.

[rae0519]

Thanks to everyone for the great replies. There are a lot of differing and conflicting opinions out there (which is surprisingly similar to the conflict I've had inwardly trying to answer this question for myself) and each are important and quite valid in their own way.

 

I apologize that I wasn't very clear when starting this thread. I'm not the person diagnosed with the illness and no, it isn't HIV. I didn't go into the particulars of the illness because I don't know much about it and am researching at the moment to understand it more. I do know that the 10-15 years is the maximum he's been given with medical intervention to slow the effects of the illness unless there is a chance of organ transplantation.

 

In short, I've been given an out card. It's laying on the table and I've been told all of the bad things that will happen in the future as his illness progresses. However, I've also been friends with him long enough and been on enough dates with him to understand how much we care for each other and to see all of the wonderful things that will come in the future with him. Our friendship isn't new but it is only recently that things have progressed to a romantic nature. In fact, until recent developments in our relationship he was not the only man I was seeing regularly. So our relationship is new and old, if that makes sense.

 

Obviously, I will always be his friend and will be by his side through this but the romantic relationship part of the scenario is, frankly, scary. He will understand if I end our romance but I'm not really sure what I really want. I'm not afraid of illness, I've been around it all my life to varying degrees but never with someone I was romantic with. It's a really difficult situation and one I really never thought about being in before.

[ladyblue07]

I would take the view of "Enjoy the time while you have it".

Nobody really knows what the future holds, and tehre are never any guarantees in life - for either good or bad things.

I've spent most of my life dealing with loved ones being seriously ill and, yes, it is a painful experience - but also taught me some important and beautiful lessons about life and appreciating what you have while you have it.

 

Loving anyone can put yourself in a position to be hurt when it ultimately ends - but in the end I think the potential rewards are worht the risk of the pain.

[selkie]

I do know that the 10-15 years is the maximum he's been given with medical intervention to slow the effects of the illness unless there is a chance of organ transplantation.

 

Really simple, have him explore other countries for cheap organs.

US/Europe/Canada = much too hard to get them.

Medical advances will be so different a year, 5 years from now.

10 years ? Jesus. Plenty of time.

[selkie]

5 years doesn't mean any thing for a man's fertility. Men are fertile darn near until they die. He could be very happy with you for 5 years and still have a family.

 

OT but thats not true, studies show sperm can get funky and screwed up after age 35

[Shiranai]

China has cheap organs... all their death row prisoners voluntarily signed up as organ donors. It's true.

 

I'm being sarcastic, but they really do sell cheap organs under the table. Thailand and a number of other countries do it too. It may be unethical, but if it's me and it's between life and death, I'd choose to be unethical.

 

That aside...

 

If I were you, I won't get involved. Although I'd be attracted to him, and a relationship will probably be wonderful, I probably want children in the future, and I probably want the father of the child to have a good chance of staying around assuming an accident doesn't take his life.

 

So, I probably wouldn't want to have kids with a person who has a high chance of not being around by the time the kid is a teenager.

 

If I don't have a kid with the person, assuming he dies in 10 years, that'll put me at 37 years old, much older than I'd want to be if I want to meet someone new and produce a child.

 

I think, time is of the essense for women wanting children. There isn't 10 years, 20 years to spend on someone who can't promise results. People can argue medical advancements have allowed very old women to have kids, but do you really want to risk the high chance of birth defects, complications, and potentially infertility? Assuming it all goes well, do you want to still be raising the child when you retire? If you have a kid in your 40's, you'll still have the kid in your house when you're 60. So, when will you have time to yourself?

 

There's a lot to think about I think. If it weren't for kids, I'd probably continue dating the person, even though there will be a high chance of him and me struggling to pay for his medical bills, agony, and having to take care of him, clean him when he can't move, and possibly quit job to become a full time caretaker. Even then, most people who haven't done a caretaker's job can't fully comprehend how much stress and chores are involves. It's by no means an easy job, and I'd avoid it at virtually the cost of anything.

 

If it's for the love of my life, there is a chance I'd do it. I know I'll take care of my current boyfriend even if he's violently ill.