My friend self-injures

[tori_black]

Four years ago me and two of my friends were talking about our problems. I said that sometimes I got so angry that I almost broke my own hands, but that it felt good and that I hated it. My replied pretty casually that cutting yourself with scissors was more efficient - that's how she had gotten the scars on her forearms. I was so shocked that I started crying because I realized how broken she must feel inside. I had to leave the table and it took me about an hour to get a grip because I felt so bad for her. I went back and told her that she had to promise me never to hurt herself again. She did.

 

She, Fran, and another girl, Reilly, are my best friends we hang out a lot and talk about really everything. So I also told Reilly what Fran had told me some years later because we knew that Fran was in a bad place and I knew she didn't know about it.

Anyway, about two weeks ago Reilly told me that she thought that she saw fresh cuts on Fran's arms. I saw them too. So I know Fran's must be hurting. I can imagine lots of reasons why, but I don't know if I should ask her.

She's difficult to talk to sometimes. She lies when she doesn't want let people in, which makes it hard to get through, and at the same time I know she resents it when I don't ask because then she thinks I don' t care, when I thought I was just giving her some space.

 

I don't know what to do. Should I ask her to talk to me? Or even to get help?

[tori_black]

Fran and Reilly aren't their real names by the way.

[arwen]

Hey tori,

 

I have been in your shoes with two different friends of mine. I think that the best thing you can do is not reject her in any way as a friend. I doubt that you can actively do something that will make her stop cutting. I'd wait and see if Fran initiates talking about cutting and not address it yourself. However, you can of course ask her how she's doing and see if she is willing to share this.

[girl friend]

The most painful thing for a self-injurer can be letting someone else in. It always becomes a secret that makes the cutter feel so much shame and embarrassment, simply because the physical cuts that you can see represent such pain and mental turmoil, that for someone else to see the cuts almost means that they may be able to read you like a book. And of course what exactly that pain is, is private.

 

However as you said that she did, 4 years ago, casually told you, it sounds like she wants you to know. A self-injurer telling someone else is almost always a cry for help. As a child, theres this magic belief, that if you tell the right adult your problems, the adult can fix everything. Sort of see it relating to that. She wants help, she wants it to be over.

 

I'd address it to her, gently, but firmly. It can be such a relief knowing that someone else knows. Ask her ''why?'' And listen. don't chip in, if its a memory that you were a part of, don't start talking about your own feelings, not right now anyways. Just listen to her. Nod, make encouraging noises, but apart from that remain silent, and listen. Ask her how she feels before she does it. How badly she wants to stop? If she does want to stop? If she feels ready to stop? Ask her how often she does it. When was the last time. Does anyone else know. Invent a code for it, and ask her about it every time you see her. A term me and a friend invented back in high school when she was battling with self-injury was ''how are you coping these days?'' of course we both knew exactly what we were asking, but the word self-injury can become somewhat taboo.

 

And ask her about it every time you see her, unless she specifically backs away and makes it dam clear she doesn't want to talk about it, which is unlikely. Generally although it is hard to talk about the first few times, the self-injurer does want an allie. It can make you feel so alone, so cut off from the world. Be there for her. You've been friends for 4 years, so she must be a special person in your eyes. Tell her that. Ask her if theres anything you can do to help her stop, if the time is right. Perhaps she could call you when she feels the need to do it instead? Perhaps you could encourage her, praise her after going a full day/week without it, so that she feels compelled to make a new record.

 

Just by being there you are making all the difference to her you know.

She is lucky to have a friend that cares as much as you.

 

good luck

girl friend

xxx

[girl friend]

I doubt that you can actively do something that will make her stop cutting.

 

Why do you say that arwen?

What the people around you do or say when you are depressed/suicidal/self-injuring/low/down/upset/etc can make all the difference in the world. A lot of people need help to stop cutting themselves, be it books, therapists, counsellors, psychologists, or friends - the support of the people around them.

 

I believe what you do Tori can make immense difference, so don't be afraid to try wholeheartedly.

 

girl friend

[arwen]

Why do you say that arwen?

What the people around you do or say when you are depressed/suicidal/self-injuring/low/down/upset/etc can make all the difference in the world. A lot of people need help to stop cutting themselves, be it books, therapists, counsellors, psychologists, or friends - the support of the people around them.

 

I believe what you do Tori can make immense difference, so don't be afraid to try wholeheartedly.

 

girl friend

 

That is exactly what I meant - that trying to literally persuade someone to stop SI can have the opposite effect. In my experience it has. Being a loving friend is however very very important. I am very sorry if that wasn't clear from my message.

[tori_black]

Thanks, both of you! Especially for the advice on how to talk to her, 'cause I don't want to overwhelm her with my thoughts and feelings. I want her to know that I'm there for her.

 

I'll post again when I've talked to her.

[girl friend]

Yeah good luck!

Let us know how it goes, how she reacts, and we'll try to understand it.

She's lucky to have you, you know. You're ace!

girl friend xxx