Bumps in the road...the unexpected encounters with the ex

[Coyote9]

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything on here, and a random encounter with my ex driving to work this morning has prompted me to need to put something here in order to let go, (again) of feelings that again are easily dragged up, frustrating as that is after many months!

 

It’s been over 8 months since the final breakup of a long term relationship with a woman I work with and have known for many years, and had come to believe was going to be a partner for the rest of my life. Like most here, I had found myself giving more and trying harder to keep a relationship together over the final months with someone who was less and less devoted and passionate about me and our relationship after 2 years. When I found ENA a couple of months after the horrible and impersonal breakup, I was like many who initially post on here, an absolute emotional wreck.

 

Slowly but steadily over these many months I have found myself progressing through the stages of the cycle of grief from the abandonment of my relationship. Disbelief, denial, anger, self doubt, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, inability to concentrate on the people and things that are at the forefront of my present life, and so on. My physical health even took a downward spiral in the months following the breakup as I experienced an irregular heartbeat that was finally repaired by a surgical procedure that got things back in rhythm in August.

 

Yet, many good things have transpired over the last several months. I’ve gotten back to running and getting to the gym after the heart situation was resolved and now am in the best shape I’ve been in in the last 3 years. I have poured myself into my work in a more focused way and am feeling very good about what is being accomplished there. I’ve begun working again on finishing the remodeling of my house, one of the many things I’d put on hold during the relationship and in the initial months after the breakup when I had no energy or motivation to do anything but simply survive from day to day. I have dated a few people and have found that I am still emotionally unavailable to any prospective romantic interest at this point. I have made a concerted effort to get my financial house in better order after a 2007 full of medical bills. In short, I have, without realizing it, gotten much of my old self back. I credit much of this to an absolute commitment to maintaining no contact with my ex whatsoever, even as we work less than a mile from each other and I could see her in passing if I didn’t pick my routes and avoid possible contact daily.

 

And yet, at 6:30 this morning, for less than 5 seconds, I saw her in her car and found myself again sucked back into the old familiar longing and pain. There’s still a huge hole that remains in my life that was created when she tore herself away from me so suddenly last April. While I understand and accept intellectually that she’s long gone and that that’s better for us both given her lack of commitment or devotion to me, I still think (irrationally of course) about taking her back, about that fictitious conversation that we might have when she finally “comes to her senses” and realizes what it is that she is missing when she walked away so coldly and unexpectedly from me last spring.

 

Now, she is just another stranger in a car I pass randomly as I drive to work, even as I recognize a big piece of who I am still lingers between the new life I have tried to create and embrace, and the old one that for a brief moment I again experienced longing for as this morning.

[ryan250]

Now, she is just another stranger in a car I pass randomly as I drive to work, even as I recognize a big piece of who I am still lingers between the new life I have tried to create and embrace, and the old one that for a brief moment I again experienced longing for as this morning.

 

I can relate to your story all to well, especially this part. Isn't it strange how you can be so close to someone for so long, and then all of a sudden be complete strangers? Like you two never met and shared nothing? It sucks man, I know. But it sounds like you have accomplished a lot, and you should be proud of yourself. It sounds like your doing just fine, flashbacks and dreaming the "what ifs" are just part of the healing process, we all have them.

[CatsMeeoow]

It must have been one of those 'oh no moments'. It seems when I have them it takes me a minute to get a clue... I'll be staring right out them not even realizing it... and then suddenly feeling like they must think I'm an idiot!

 

You are doing everything you should to get yourself better and these setbacks happen... sometimes its helps when you go... "oh my... I bumped into her and she really let herself go... " LOL!

 

Hang in there!

[just M.E.]

Hey coyote, long time, no hear, which is good over all, you are not wallowing.

 

One of the visualizations or tricks I play with my emotions, is that the person I loved so dearly, gave my heart, soul and life to, no longer exists. It is as if he has been taken over by some alien being and is completely foreign to me. That's an effective and cute little game that speeds healing, but the reality is, he may never have been that person I loved and respected.

 

Somehow knowing that, creates a lot of pain, that I could fall in love with an illusion. Do you think possibly, there is a part of her that you imagined existing that my have been an illusion?

To my experience, life partners who leave in damaging ways, have something within them that is broken. If they are whole, they have the courage and strength to deal with the breakup as a mature and caring person, knowing they are leaving a wounded love behind.

In my fairy tale and idealistic world, a person of quality has this sensitivity. I can say to my credit I have only once left without being open and honest, (the one I left badly was physically abusive, I just got away, no explanations required). This doesn't make me sainted in any sense, I just know it is possible to do if one will gather the courage, and everyone (except the abusive) deserve at least this much.

From what I see of who you are, you deserved much more. I empathize with you on this hurt you feel, you know that ache is so much smaller now that before, you may always have that little hole within you. I have one over a "star crossed" love from my past. I now embrace that "hole" because what it has shown me is that I can truly feel all the ranges of love in such a right way, that I can hold dear a memory as a reminder of that ability to love and be loved in a way many will never know. So I am lucky to have experienced that.

Now my current ex, that's another story, easier to move on past an abusive and irrational person. I pray for an alien abduction, but as one friend pointed out "They don't want him back, that's why he's here"

 

You'll know when you are ready, and when you are you are going to knock some womans socks off!!! You are a person of great quality and depth, she just totally missed that point. It is always such a waste, such a shame.

[Clabs]

Hey fella!

 

Nice to hear from you - I so enjoy your posts - you have been missed.

 

It is so perverse, isn't it? You can drive to work - make eye contact with some random pretty girl that you have never met before and smile at each other - a random flirtatious moment - it makes you feel good. You pass someone in a car who you once shared such an intimate relationship with and do you feel good? No!

 

You are doing all the right things to get you back - and this is - as you say - a bump in the road and nothing more. These little "reminders" do make you look back and wonder what if. But keep walking forward fella, because you are going in the right direction!

 

Mark

[bar35]

Coyote,

 

I know that experience well. It is confusing and sends the mind spinning. It is quite annoying actually now that I think about it. Afterall you could have been in a stabilized place where you weren't thinking about her and then BAM! There she is. Annoying. I sometimes wonder if these little experiences are fate's way of helping us through things. To help us to desensitize a little here and there. In cognitive behavioral therapy i think that it is called Systematic Desensitization. Of course that is done gradually, but life tends to be more in your face.

 

You are doing great, you are doing the things that you need to so as to get your life undercontrol, i mean it sounds under control over all which is perfect. The other day I saw and ex ex ex from i don't even know how long ago and my heart started thumping.

 

I don't think that you will have a hole in your heart from her,this is not to say that we can't look back with nostalgia, I just don't think that it is necessary to have holes in our hearts in general, but it takes time, time, time to heal and that is it.

[Beginningandend]

I can relate to your story all to well, especially this part. Isn't it strange how you can be so close to someone for so long, and then all of a sudden be complete strangers? Like you two never met and shared nothing? It sucks man, I know. But it sounds like you have accomplished a lot, and you should be proud of yourself. It sounds like your doing just fine, flashbacks and dreaming the "what ifs" are just part of the healing process, we all have them.

 

In hindsight, looking back honestly I don't find it odd at all. Looking back at how I used to look at my ex and seeing her now she is a stranger to me. I'm not sure if it is a matter of being strangers or having that illusion of them stripped away and seeing them for what they are. Without that false illusion we generate, they seem like strangers to us now.

 

Didn't write this to disagree, just kind of babbling about my own experience

[ryan250]

In hindsight, looking back honestly I don't find it odd at all. Looking back at how I used to look at my ex and seeing her now she is a stranger to me. I'm not sure if it is a matter of being strangers or having that illusion of them stripped away and seeing them for what they are. Without that false illusion we generate, they seem like strangers to us now.

 

Didn't write this to disagree, just kind of babbling about my own experience

 

Interesting.... I could agree it's a little of both. But it's also sad to know that you really don't know who they are anymore.. or what they are thinking. But I guess it really doesn't matter, does it?

 

Sorry OP, didn't mean to hijack your thread!

[Coyote9]

Somehow knowing that, creates a lot of pain, that I could fall in love with an illusion. Do you think possibly, there is a part of her that you imagined existing that my have been an illusion

 

I think there's a lot of truth to this....given that the terms of the breakup were defined completely by her, it makes sense that she left with all of the power....not that power is just an illusion, but powerful none the less until I've really let go of the myriad of feelings completely...they are most definetly more distant but they are still there, and an encounter like yesterday certainly triggers them....

 

I'm not sure if it is a matter of being strangers or having that illusion of them stripped away and seeing them for what they are. Without that false illusion we generate, they seem like strangers to us now.

 

This is very insightful Beginning....who we perceived them to be and who they really are is quite different, that difference can no longer be bridged with the illusion of who they are so they seem indeed like entirely different people to us, even as I think it was my own disjointed perception that caused me to not see her or our relationship for what it really was those last 6 months....love is truly blind it seems, or at least stubbornly resistant to accepting the truth.

[Rainz]

Though there is pain and sadness within your post it is beautiful and is very articulate and expressive.

Like previous posters I can relate only too well to what you have expressed here.

 

Our exes can seem to be like strangers to us, I think it'squite sad to be honest. Like someone said we're more likely to feel good interacting with strangers that we are our exes.

 

You have been amazing keeping up your NC, along with your other accomplishments because as we all know it is so difficult to keep up.

 

The thing about the "hole", to me, until someone comes along who you can again experience fulfilling relationship with no matter what you set out to do, it's there. It doesn't seem like you're ready for that yet if you're feeling unavailable. But at least you're meeting women , socialising etc...you're more ahead than what you give yourself credit for.

[Coyote9]

Thanks Rainz...I guess I do push myself pretty hard through this stuff...part of it comes with having been through this sort of thing before in other breakups, and realizing I know exactly what I want....however I've not always picked partners who know what to do once the honeymoon phase ends and it gets real....for me that has meant a bunch of 1-3 year relationships over the last 15 years. I think as we get older and know ourselves better, we are both more capable of giving more in a relationship, and less likely to let things go without confronting our partners over behaviours that are inconsistent or unloving. We have all given our ex's way too much credit and latitude I think, and lingered far too long by allowing ourselves, in the name of love and commitment of course, to give without much attention to our own needs. For me, unmet needs tend to fester and come out as resentments or self-crticism which leads feeling and acting needy....further pushing our already exiting partners futher away.

 

I remember the exact moment, about 8 months before the final breakup, when I looked at her and thought "I really don't know this person as well as I thought I did, and I don't think I feel right about how she's pulling away." Of course, the essense of denial is to block the panic and pain that we feel in that moment....and denial prevents us from seeing reality as it is. Our ex's take on mythical qualities and we somehow feel that the longing and giving we are so pouring out of our hearts at that point will somehow rescue the day.

 

It's taken me 8 months of strict NC to see who I'd become (bargaining, needy, fearful) in those final months of the relationship and of course who she had become (distant, unaffectionate, disinterested, cold). The words on her breakup note that so tore out my heart in April ("This wasn't meant to be, I don't love you as you love me, I'm not passionate about you or devoted to you as you are to me, I don't miss you, etc) I can now see were perhaps the most honest words she ever said to me, even as she was so conflicted that she couldn't say them to my face. They were her truth, and in a relationship, the truth is whatever the least interested party sees as being their level of commitment or devotion to the relationship. We don't see that as dumpees, we somehow assume that our own high level of interest (that we experience as love) will fill that space between us and our partner. We are living a fanatasy at that point, albeit a very sincere one.

 

So yes, NC is the key to the beginning of recovery from a difficult breakup. It allows us to finally see the situation, our ex's and ourselves for what they really are. From there, we can begin to get ourselves back and put it all behind us. I guess I've come further than I think sometimes, even as many days I push myself through...working hard, getting to the gym, calling friends, taking care of my home. It's a far cry from the euphoric feelings I had a year or more ago when I was committing to a lifelong relationship with my ex, but I now see, as she wasn't anywhere near that place, where I am now is actually a much better place for me, and certainly mets my needs more, other than that being in love stuff, which will just have to happen again in it's own time.

[just M.E.]

Coyote,

 

That really is the challenge, finding a "like minded" person that the chemistry is there and the emotional maturity and depth.

 

You have a very clear view of who you are, that can be attractive but intimidating to those who do not know themselves. If a person has not faced their own "baggage" then being near someone on that path of self awareness can be a reminder of what they are afraid to face.

 

I think many of the ex's described on this site fit that category as many of the dumpees are very self aware and people of depth and emotional health. I do believe that makes people like you attractive to those wanting to be more, but wanting and being are two different things.

 

I see your ex's absense as more a reflection on her than on you. I think the denial and illusions are part of the human condition and will always exist in some form, the trick is seeing that, finding what is real and knowing when to stick or when to bail.