Can this relationship be saved? Help wanted

[Impact]

Hello all, my first post on here, and I would like some genuine advice on my relationship to my girlfriend of a month. (although we had been internet friends for a year, and also our families had crossed paths through friends so I already knew of her and her family) It wasnt a case of complete strangers meeting over the net, I knew of her and her family.

 

Anyway, we met and all seemed good, were were getting on fine, enjoyed our time together. We would either go to quiet pubs in the evenings (not to get drunk, just to relax and be together) or have quiet nights infront of the TV. We also seemed to have enough time to ourselfs, like seeing our mates and we seemed to respect each other and not control each other.

 

We seemed happy, we had told eachother this via text, over the phone and face to face. We would say how nice each other looked, acted and and she said I was a nice genuine guy.

 

Then I discover her Aunt (who is distant friends with my mum) began to be funny towards her, and my girlfriend thought her aunt was judging her by seeing me, I asked the reason and she said she didnt know. I told her if she wanted to talk anytime about it, I would listen and be there for her. She was seeing them at a family get together 2 weeks ago and she said she wasnt looking forward to it. I had dropped her off early on the friday night, she said she had a headache and was worring about the weekend. Later in the evening we started texting, and I was trying to cheer her up, which I did and everything seemed fine. She was seeing her family all weekend so I didnt see her, then I discovered Monday morning I am dumped! And to make it worse, I read it on her internet profile! She hadnt messaged or rang me at all.

 

I thought there might have been a big problem with her family, so I told her I wanted to sort it out together, re-assured her I was serious about her and that I cared.

 

She just said I should be happy with someone else and has been cold with me ever since. I have asked her the reason why she wasnt happy, saying I wouldnt get mad or crazy, and that I wanted to do all I could to make things right because I really thought it was worth saving.

 

She has had none of this and now just suddenly want to be 'just mates'. Im really confused, she said it was because she didnt want to get hurt like she did with her ex, I have told her Im serious (which I genuinely am) but we are just going round in circles when we talk about it.

 

I am 22 and she is 19, and she said shes a virgin. Im technically not, but its been a long time. We had discussed sex openly, neither of us were frightened to talk about it, and I said I wanted her first time to be special, and only when she was ready. She said she was ready and that I was a nice gentle guy, that was one of the things she liked about me. We had arranged the house to ourselfs the day she dumped me, and sex was the last thing we were talking about. Although she was ok with me at the time, could this have been the reason why she ended it so suddenly? I have tried to ask her, re-assured her that its ok and the sex thing is the least important part to me, but she just says its not that. She just wont tell me what the problem was.

 

All we seem to do now is go round in circles, and winding each other up, we are really getting nowhere. She had her cousins birthday party the other night, we text the following day and she said it was good, that she got drunk, danced and 'got off' with another bloke. I asked if that was her new target, she said no but she loved to have fun like that. I didnt really know what to say except to ask if thats the reason why she broke up with me, and said if we were at the party together, I would be the one dancing and kissing her. She just replied saying 'god no, dont ever think that!' Im just so confused, was it because I didnt pay her enough attention, or did she just simply think less of me than I did of her?

 

Would anyone have any thoughts and ideas what went wrong, and how we can move forward from this. I know its only been a month since we got together, but I know I was happy and Im sure she was too. It is worth trying to save, and can it be saved? From my point of view, she was a very down to earth and genuine girl, nice looking, came from a nice family and I enjoyed being with her. Any help or ideas would be great.

Many thanks.

Nick.

[jettison]

Nick,

 

Honestly, it really just sounds like she didn't fancy you all that much. It seems pretty clear by all her words and actions that that's the case. She sees you more of a friend then a boyfriend, and that's about the gist of it.

 

I know it's hard not to think this way, but don't try to figure out what you did "wrong". It's not that you did anything wrong. There's nothing to fix. There wasn't a better way. She just didn't want to date you anymore.

 

The one thing I will bring up is that, sometimes, that last thing a woman wants is exactly what she asks for. She talked about being hurt by her last ex, and not wanting to have to go through that again. Assuring a woman that you are serious should rarely come through words. It should come through action. Telling someone that you're "serious" will only ever come accross as empty to a woman. And further, even though she mentioned being hurt, it's likely to freak her out a little bit because, after all, you two had only known each other for a short time in person.

 

It's also possible that this woman isn't over her ex, and that she was mostly using you as an emotional rebound from her last relationship.

 

Your best bet is to leave her alone completely. Drop it 100%. It's definitley not going to get any better with you asking for her feedback and asking "why". This is one of those "take it like a man" situations where you just have to suck it up, say "oh well", and concentrate on anything else.

[Impact]

Thanks for the reply. The advice is very good thanks. You are probably right she just didnt feel the same about me as I did about her. She wants us to be mates, would doing this start to prove to her that I am serious rather than just turning my back? Or would this just remind me of what could have been? Another reason why Im taking it to heart is that really its the first time Ive been properly dumped. My last long relationship was a mutual split as she was away at uni and starting a year abroard. We parted on good terms, and still didnt stay mates. My other 'relationships' have been over before they began.

 

Its a real shame, but from your reply and from advice my mates have given me, I do just have to accept it wasnt ment to be. I should be seeing her for the first time since the break up tomorrow evening (she will be with some of her mates, and I should be with some of mine), do you have any advice on how to 'act' and how to best go into the situation. I was thinking of seeing how she reacts to meeting me again, and taking it from there. Do you think this is a bad idea or not?

Thanks.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Go into it as a friend and try to not obsess over the romantic possibilities.

[Impact]

Well I did go into the situation as a friend, didnt question her at all about the break up, just tried to ask how college was going. She was a little distant with me, and didnt really have much to say. I also noticed she was drinking a lot more than I had ever seen her drink before. It did kind of feel like she didnt care if I was there or not. Luckily her mates' boyfriend was a decent bloke so we were chatting about the blokey things like cars and stuff.

 

Its my birthday on Saturday, I asked if they all wanted to come for a night out on the town, and they all showed some interest. My ex said about clubbing, but all the times we were together and I'd offered to have a night out clubbing she always said she would rather go to a quiet pub with me. Its like she has suddenly changed, and was only using me to get the confidence to start going out again. I do feel used, especially after how she dumped me, without a phone call or message. But theres something inside me saying if I turned my back and walked away it would be a mistake in the long run.

 

If they do come out clubbing, should I really make an effort to dance with her, and make her feel special? Or do I just see if she's just going to dance with any random bloke to wined me up?

 

I keep running over the weekend she ended it in my head - we were all ok on the friday night (if there was anything wrong I know she wouldnt have said some of the things she did) By Monday morning she ended it, and all she said was 'nothing's wrong, you should just be with someone else'. I didnt see her the Saturday or Sunday, so something must have changed in them 2 days. That was when she was seeing her Aunt & Cousins for the first time since we got together. Could she have been forced to choose between them and me? I really have no idea what her aunt has against me, Im not a criminal, not a womaniser, I work, have my own car. I just dont think I can properly move on until I know what the problem was. If I knew, I could deal with it.

[jettison]

If you have your heart set on having her be part of your life, at least just admit to yourself that you're not looking for a "friend". You're not. You're looking for a woman that you can get naked with and have sex with. Remember that. To pretend something different just isn't honest. You know it. She knows it.

 

So now that any pretenses are dropped, it's time for you to start doing for yourself. She has no problem dumping you, going out with other guys, not worrying too much about your reaction. Respond in kind.

 

It's always good policy in the dating world to be dancing the same dance and in the same steps as your partner. If she's doing a 4 step, and you're doing a 3 step, then what might that look like? It will be a mess.

 

She's taken the initiative to define your relationship (or lack thereof), so feel free to play along. Go out "as friends", but date other people. Go ask out someone else. You can even go out in a group situation with someone new and her. As long as it's casual, there's nothing wrong with this.

 

I liked a woman once when I was 20 years old. I liked her quite a bit, but she started dating some other guy. I was put off, but not pissed. I hadn't even asked her out afterall so I had no stake in her. It seemed like we liked each other, but if she was willing to date others, tell me about it, and then take a date along with her as we went out, then the boundries were set. So, I dated someone else too. And I took this woman out with us.

 

It wasn't to use her. I liked the new woman. I liked both of them. I was just "having fun", just like she was. She announced the steps of the dance while I just followed her lead. Later, I find out that she's jealous. She ends up dumping her new guy for me. We date.

 

Sometimes, a potential mate will test a guy like this. The LAST thing you want to do is become a sad case or a burden as a "friend". She chose the dance. Either follow along or sit it out completely, and that probably means the faux friendship as well unfortunately.

[Impact]

Thanks again for the advice, I do see what you are saying. We were doing alot of texting last night, we were getting a bit stressed with each other, but in the end she did admit she still had feelings for her ex. She said the person I miss the most I cant have. I asked why not, and she said they agreed to move on,I dont know the reasons, but he still sometimes texts hert saying he misses her.

 

Would I be right in thinking because our next step in the relationship was to sleep together, and because she wasnt over her ex this freaked her out and quickely escaped? She's not the type of person for confrontation, and maybe she didnt feel she could explain herself how she wanted and was worried how I would react.

 

After she text me about her ex last night, she told me to choose now, either mates or nothing. And if I chose mates then we wouldnt talk about that again. Maybe its because Im scared to lose her, but I told her I want to be mates, but would also like to work at getting back together at some point. I also said that her ex is not the only one who misses her! All she replied, was OK, good night.

 

I text her this morning saying sorry for bringing up any bad memories, but its helped me understand the situation more. And said lets concentrate on the future. I'm going to leave it with her to make the next move.

 

I would like her in my life, she really is a nice girl, nice looks, personality, nice family, we do share some common interests, but also have enough difference to still be interesting. We were both happy with each other, but yes I see what you mean about 'just friends' I know its not what I really want from her. I will look around for someone else, not exactly hook up with anything just for the fun of it, but I do want to start enjoying my life again.