Trying to save my marriage - not sure how

[Aya]

I never imagined that I would ever do this - I didn't believe in virtual communities. But I've been reading some of these threads and I find the replies to be thoughtful and the concern genuine. I'm not getting the right kind of support through my "separation and divorce support group" - they are all bitter towards their exes and moving towards divorce. That's not where I want to go, so...I'd love to hear your advice and perspectives on my situation.

 

My story is a bit long...please bear with me!

 

My husband left in May. We had been together for 5.5 years, married for 4. Our relationship began intensely and moved quickly, but it always felt right. My husband is from Peru and we moved to Canada almost 4 years ago - and that's when life got complicated. On top of the immigration process and both of us (re)adapting to Canada, we quickly bought a house and became landlords, went back to graduate school, struggled to find jobs and stay employed, had chronic money problems, dealt with my interferring family, tried to support his family...there were even a few deaths during that time just to make sure that all of the key life stressors were covered. For three years it felt like every time we thought we had turned an important corner there was another major life change or stress waiting for us. Some we chose to take on, but a lot were imposed upon us. That's life, I know, but it seemed that there was a lot of life experiences distilled into a very short period of time. It left us both exhausted and fed up, longing for a moment of monotony.

 

Anyway, my husband checked out of our marriage a few months before he actually left. I had been struggling with a new full-time job while I finished my thesis...I didn't have any reserves to give to our relationship and by the time I did, he wasn't present. I had thought that we were just in a rough patch, but that we could move through it. I tried everything I could think of from January to April of this year, but he wasn't there. It was like we were supposed to be dancing a duet, but only I was actually dancing - he was just watching to see if the dance would turn out alright, but a marriage is not a solo. At the end of April, he asked for a temporary separation. By the first week of May, he told me it was over.

 

At first I did what everyone else has probably done - I begged and pleaded and apologised and reasoned with him. It drove him away even further. But I had read a book on getting back together and so I eventually decided to let him go and I told him that was what I was doing. I always treated him with kindness, patience and respect, even through the awful 6 weeks that we lived under the same roof. He has never seen me cry or lose control since that first night.

 

In the 7 months that have followed, I have moved to my own place and have tried to move on with my life. I asked for a time of no contact and that lasted about 2 months. Since then, we have gone out three times, talked on the phone a lot and have emailed back and forth. We've only talked about our relationship once - we had an intense 3-hour conversation where we reviewed what went wrong, apologised to each other for the mistakes that we had both made, talked about what we would have done differently. My husband finally took responsibility for some of the things that had most bothered me and actually said that our relationship had been mostly wonderful. I told him that I wanted to be his wife, not his friend, and that I was willing to wait for him and to work hard at rebuilding a new relationship. He is not currently in a position to be working on rebuilding our marriage - his thesis is due in two months and he is stressed, overworked and exhausted. I understand completely - that's where I was a year ago when things started to really get ugly.

 

Anyway, we have talked and seen each other once since then, but I'm now trying to keep it light and friendly and fun. I've realised that I will never be able to persuade him back into the marriage with logic and reason - and I wouldn't want him to come back for that anyway. I understand that he has to feel it, so I would like us to spend time together in unthreatening, enjoyable situations and have unloaded, uncharged conversations. I believe that we had a strong relationship that got beaten about and we let our guard down in terms of caring for it - but we've both learned a lot and I believe that we could make it work it we decided to...

 

I guess my concern is how to proceed with this plan, if this is even a good plan! I am so afraid to fall back into that horrible pursuer-distancer dynamic that I don't want to call him too often, although he says that it never bothers him that I call and he always thanks me for the great conversations or the nice time. He is so guarded and withdrawn it is frightening. He won't let any thoughts or feelings out until he has reflected on them for weeks or months and is positive that he means what he is saying. He hasn't dismissed the possibility of getting back together eventually. I think he's afraid of getting back together just because he's lonely or misses me or feels sad - he wants to do it for the right reasons (he once watched a disastrous attempt by his parents to reconcile - I think that has influenced his behaviour a lot).

 

Anyway, how to proceed? I'm trying to balance giving him space with making sure that we see each other and he sometimes initiates contact. How often do I call? What if he doesn't call? How long should I wait before I try calling again? Or should I let him come to me sometimes?

 

I've been collecting hopeful stories about reconciliation - I don't think we hear enough of these. Stories of break up and divorce seem to be the only ones in circulation. I think that many or even most separations don't have to end in divorce, but people don't believe in reconciliation or second chances and don't know how to handle a painful and stressful situation in such a way that reconciliation might even be possible. I think I'm doing an ok job, but I'd love to hear some insight and advice from you all. I'm surrounded by people who keep telling me to forget him, move on and start dating others...they don't share my hope or my faith and make me feel naive or pathetic for not wanting to give up on my marriage.

 

Do you believe in reconciliation? Any advice for how to proceed? And when should I give up and move on?

 

Thanks for listening.

[curious11]

the faster you move on the more she'll love you

[crookster_man]

Do I believe in reconciliation? On the most part, no. Though I also do not believe that devorice is a good choice in most situtions. Ever hear of for better or worse?

 

When should you give up? Wel never, it's not giving up to realise that it isn't going to work, it's coming to an understanding. It sounds like you both are on the path to rebuilding your relationship. Is that his goal as well?

 

I've gotten back with only one of my loves. It was great for a while but then it burned out in the end. Do I regret it? of course not, but there was no magical reconection the second time.

 

Just be true to you, look out for your own interests. unfortunately I do not have much more advice then that.

[crookster_man]

the faster you move on the more she'll love you

 

 

What? "she" is the one writing this message. "He" is the one she is talking about... Did you even read the post?

[illusionglimps]

Hello.I know it's kidn of hard to be calm and to look like you're relaxed around him and stuff...Till now I think you did great and that you've shown him that you're mature and strong,so he could see what he can miss.You have to be sure that you aren't the only one struggling here.Try and talk with him honestly,ask him stuff you would like to know.But don't be too pushy.If he feels comfortable,he'll talk.If he loves you,he won't miss the change to get back to you and work on your relationship.If he hesitates,you have to think twice : risking you might get hurt later when he realizes he doesn't love you or really being happy with him.You must make compromises...but not alone...with him. communication is the biggest problem in all relationship.Reconciliation can always happen when two people that were together still have feelings for one another.Don't get your hopes too up,altough.Think straight what's best for you,then think about what's best for the two of you.Make decisions with your mind first,then reason them with the heart.Take care and ...you must know that love can never vanish!

[CatsMeeoow]

It sounds like it you two were to patch things up it isn't going to happen anytime soon as he has a major deadline in two months.

 

All you can do at this point - if your stress has slowed down is be as supportive of him as you can. Avoid giving any ultimatums until his paper is finished.

 

If there was love there... then its still there... just buried under stress and pride. Let things settle and when he is in a position to be more receptive then see what is available to you two.

 

I know the waiting is the hardest part!

 

Best Wishes!

[livinginsbi]

Not sure what to say - I know what you're going thorugh, but my relationship was for 15 years when we just disconnected.

 

Certainly don't push until his thesis is complete, adding pressure right now is sure to drive him away.

 

Offer your support over the next few weeks in the form of non commital messages, cards whatever you feel. But don't go overboard. It would be nice when he is done with this stressful part of his life to remember you were the one gently encouraging him. Then, just go from there.

 

Good luck

[RayKay]

Hey welcome to the forums; I am glad you believed enough to post

 

Your post "hit me" because I can easily relate - my boyfriend and I in our years together seem to have been hit with everything under the sun too (serious family illnesses, deaths, moving, leaving work, grad school, financial strains, job uncertainty)....phew...it does a toll on even the strongest of couples!

 

I find those whom have a hard time dealing with things emotionally as is (your hubby, and even my boyfriend) often withdraw to avoid it altogether and often they "check out" as a self preservation method and in an ironic manner, don't want to invest further until they can see it is going to work out (which of course does not make sense when you realize you need to invest to enable it to work out!). Anyway, I can empathize as my partner tends to get quite guarded and withdrawn in order to protect his heart and his "fears" - of course by doing so he increases the risks of his fears occurring...sigh.

 

Anyway, reconciliation does happen. Does it happen often? Well - I would say it happens quite a bit but successful reconciliations are far more rare (many break up for same reasons).

 

Honestly, to me, it sounds like you are doing the right things. You sound like an intelligent woman that loves her husband - and he sounds like a smart, if emotionally hurt and confused, man.

 

What I DO believe is you do have to set a boundary for yourself and a timeline so to speak as to when you will REALLY decide it is time to move on as you just can't keep trying where he isn't, you know?

 

I also think before you do that you have to put in the request for marital counseling together now that you have had time and space apart and see what his response is to that. It sounds to me like he loves you, but he lacks the tools to figure out how to deal with the emotional conflicts and issues that come along with being that intimate with someone - it sounds to me like fear to be quite honest that if he gets back together, he will be hurt again (ie distanced again).