Too much drinking and smoking

[beckyfisher]

Ok I know Ive been posting alot frequently on enotalone but Im really stressed out these days. I will come clean I do cocain once every two weeks Ive always had problems with smoking pot, I smoke everyday even though little amounts but now Im finding it harder to say no to alcohaul as well. Last week Ive been drinking and smoking everyday, I think If I really tried hard I could smoke only on weekends Im not sure what Im asking for on here. Im really stressed out because my boyfriend everytime we do cocain he makes me sell something from my house for it and talks me into it, I find each time I consume cocain I find it harder to say no to, Im scared of becoming addicted and selling everything from my house!! I know if I left my fiance I would probably never sell anything and probably consume cocain very less frequently but I love him and Im too scared to be alone but I dont want to end up in rehab. I smoke everyday because he smokes everyday even though sometimes its my own decision to go and buy weed he needs it everyday and always smokes in front of me!! So obviously I smoke it everyday. I find now Im smoking and drinking too much (Drinking is always my idea) Ive stopped now for a few days but Im scared Im going to go back into a hole where I do it very frequently again. I cant quit neither, at least in the relationship Im in I cant. What can I do to get my mind off drugs everyday when I feel like doing them? How do I strengthen myself where I can say no to cocain as well for good. Sometimes By the end of two weeks I really feel like having something up my nose, even though it sounds silly. Im thinking about replacing my occasional snorting to snorting amphetimines or something not as harmful to help me quit and say no. I really dont want to end up in rehab and Im very concerned. Im taking Alot of Medication like ten pills a day for my mental illness borderline and paranoia problems. I find when I do drugs I get into these bad phases of depression sometimes like once every three days but it only lasts a few hours. So far Im still stabelized Im the kind of person who can consume (Smoke and drink) and continue with my life but Im scared that soon It will unstabelize me. How do I only smoke and drink on weekends and say no to cocain. Its so hard I really dont want to be lost in the world of drugs and I really don't want my dad to think he has a druggie as a daughter. :S I know I have to get rid of th is guy but I cant right now, I really dont see a problem with smoking everyday but it gets to the point where I smoke alot and smoking leads to other things. Also whenever I smoke I feel paranoid like my dad will find out and I feel guilty I usually dont enjoy the high. Dont get me wrong I dont get high everyday but I always need to smoke a little. Any Advice on how to keep this for Weekends without getting out of hand. I really wish I could quit Cocain forever since last year I was doing it everyday and I end up being put in a mental institution for violence and aggression.

[jengh]

The only way you're going to be able to kick the habit is by leaving this guy. You said it yourself. I know you love him, but look at it this way: to you want to wind up being some strung-out, poor, hobo-y girl living in a crack house? (okay, an exaggeration, but how do you think people get there!?)

 

How old are you?

 

Get yourself a therapist and have them help you through this. There are therapists that specialize in addiction.

[Hope75]

Is this the guy who beats you up and you say that you enjoy it?

 

Oh Girl, you need to get yourself into an inpatient detox and get some serious therapy.

[beckyfisher]

Im ALREADY in very seriouse therapy where I see my psychiatrist every week and I see my psycologist twice a week but I cant tell her whats going on with me because she will want to put me in rehab and I feel threaghtened by both of them!! Yes this is the same guy who beats me but Im really not enjoying the beating now anymore nor the verbal abuse! Its hard to leave this guy he is the most popular dude in the whole town and the biggest gangsters, IF I leave him I automatically lose all my back up, not a smart idea.

[Hope75]

Im ALREADY in very seriouse therapy where I see my psychiatrist every week and I see my psycologist twice a week but I cant tell her whats going on with me because she will want to put me in rehab and I feel threaghtened by both of them!! Yes this is the same guy who beats me but Im really not enjoying the beating now anymore nor the verbal abuse! Its hard to leave this guy he is the most popular dude in the whole town and the biggest gangsters, IF I leave him I automatically lose all my back up, not a smart idea.

 

Why are you afraid of going to a detox?

 

You say you are unhappy with all the drinking, drugs and abuse, and detox is the first step to getting clean and learning other coping mechanisms.

 

If you are afraid of your boyfriend you need to call the police and press charges for the abuse and get a restraining order.

[lust4life]

First off, "gangsters" are the biggest cowards in the world. Plus, if you quit using drugs & quit being involved in the dangerous world of buying of them then what do you need back up for? I remind you that you have your father.

 

Next, rehab isn't what is scaring you.

 

Facing yourself, your problems, & your life without the numbing effect of drugs/alcohol scares you.

 

Facing yourself, your problems & your life without being defined & controlled by your boyfriend & others around you scares you.

 

You don't know how to deal with things outside of being numbed, whether by abuse or drugs. Both of these things aren't doing anything to help you heal, rather they are destroying your spirit & your body. Don't allow this to happen. Rehab will teach you better, more fulfilling ways to deal with things. It will give you tools to use to find yourself, & a support group to 'back you up'.

 

You are scared to be you. You are scared that being alone in rehab will force you to be yourself. But you won't be alone in rehab...& you aren't alone with your problems, or in life. Why are you so insecure? Why would you subject your daddy's little girl to all kinds of abuse? Why do you poison her? You are a worthy human being.

 

In order for therapy to help you at all, you have to tell your psychiatrist everything about you-the good, the bad, the ugly.

You know that your behavior & life has to change, for your sake & for your father's sake. What you're doing damages yourself & your family whether you realize it or not.

Please, do what you know has to be done, get help.

[comfyshoes]

i'm not really sure what losing your back up means, but, right now you are losing much more than that.

you are losing your self respect, your dignity, yourself.

 

you say yourself that you don't enjoy the way this guy treats you. what he is doing to you is driving you to reckless and self destructive behaviour. taking cocaine every so often may soften the edges for now, but that drug will only lead to ruin in the long run. soon, you won't be able to function with out it.

 

i know it's easy for me to sit here and tell you that you need to get way from this guy, but that's the only way that i can see it.

i was emotionally abused by me ex. it's only now that i can look back and see that. i may easiy have gone the same way you are going now but i found some strength from somewhere an chose a different path.

i know from expeirience of sorts that the longer you stay in this situation, the more you will doubt yourself, the more you will dislike yourself and the harder it will be for you to regain these things.

i'm a year down the line and still trying to get all of that back.

 

if you fear for your safety if you leave this guy, it's time to start looking at getting the police invovled. no-one, but no-one deserves to live like this

[crookster_man]

It's an escape mechanisim. What are you running from?

[tori_black]

Don't thin I'm judging you when you read this. I don't and I never will. I'm trying to be helpful.

 

Maybe you're afraid of rehab because that makes you a "real" addict, when now you don't have to admit it. Not really wanting to talk about these things with you're therapists also shows that your in denial.

 

This man your with is certainly an addict and a part of addiction is that you put your own needs, like the need for a high, before the ones he should care about.

What that man is doing is using you and hurting you, which doesn't really bother you.

 

Do you think you deserve to be treated that way? Do you believe that you deserve to be beaten and destroyed by a man and drugs? More importantly, do you want to be?

If the answer is no, and I really hope it is, then I beg of you to consider rehab and a fresh start. You could start a life without addiction, without the risk of addiction. You could start a life where you don't have to worry about selling your stuff for drugs. Doesn't sound bad to me.

 

The pot, the alcohol and the cocaine will kill you. They will destroy you slowly. You'll get nosebleeds, you'll have trouble thinking fast and you're nerves will start to deteriorate. You have one life, one body and one soul. Don't break them. And don't believe that you won't get a second chance.

 

Remember that people think of you and care. Don't allow yourself to become something you don't want to be.

[ryan123]

First off these are all psychological addictions...I'd be more concearned with the alcohol as once you're an alcoholic you can die by trying to quit cold turkey.

 

Cocaine is just nasty stuff and really gets you in a psychological addiction real fast. And if you boyfriend was such a "gangster" he wouldn't be making you sell things to buy cocaine for yourselves...He'd have keys on tap to pick from...He's using his "thuggish" ways as a control mechanism.

 

You really need to get away from this guy cause you're a very impressional person and you never know what other drugs he might start doing.

 

My cousin is currently addicted to heroin because of her boyfriend...Some boyfriend...He pimped her out for heroin money...They both stole from my aunt and my other cousin and even stole checks outta my grandmothers checkbook.

 

Heroin is an entirely different species as its a physical addiction.

 

You can stop by just saying no and not doing it. Find a hobby...Go to NA meetings and hear other peoples stories...Personally seeing my dad struggle with addictions with both heroin and alcohol was enough for me to never want to touch the bad boy drugs.

[Jeen]

Drugs is not something you can only do on weekends, you need help, it will never be something you can control and only do on weekends, and I do think you have reached that self-realization and should except it as the truth and that it is real and yes you need help. It will with time destroy you to a point where you will not have a normal life or be in control to what happens to you. The first thing is to get away from the b/f as soon as you can, speak to your therapist and ask her or him to help you to get into a rehab center as soon as possible. It is not going to be a easy road, to stop will take a lot from u but I hope you will make the right choice and that is to stop, for you are the only one who can make that call.

 

The longer you put it off the harder it will be......

[beckyfisher]

I WILL NEVER EVER GO TO REHAB I was put in a clinic for a month and I had the worst time of my life there I was crying everyday every 2 seconds and I honestly wanted to die, when I think about being in the clinic I feel an internal fear rush threw me. I had these problems with only 3 weeks imagine 3 months no way. I rather quit cold turkey then ever be put in an institution again.

[Hope75]

Rehab is not an institution. You can sign yourself in voluntarily and participate in groups and discussions voluntarily. Some are like hotels. You are detoxed under medical supervision, and staff can help you manage physical as well as emotional symptoms of withdrawal.

 

Why not do a google search for detox centers in your area?

 

Becky, as I suspect you have noticed, withdrawing from drugs and alcohol is very difficult to do and withdrawing from alcohol and benzos can be life threatening and should never be done 'cold turkey' and not under medical supervision.

[wiser]

I WILL NEVER EVER GO TO REHAB I was put in a clinic for a month and I had the worst time of my life there I was crying everyday every 2 seconds and I honestly wanted to die, when I think about being in the clinic I feel an internal fear rush threw me. I had these problems with only 3 weeks imagine 3 months no way. I rather quit cold turkey then ever be put in an institution again.

 

Then make a deal with yourself. Pick a deadline for yourself that you will quit cold turkey. Make it New Years Eve if you have to. Then stop the drugs.

 

If you can't do it, then you go to rehab. Being off the streets and away from the drugs will make it easier for you to give them up. So what you will be miserable in there? You're miserable now, and you are getting beat up, and you are selling your possessions so your abusive boyfriend can buy more drugs. What happens when he suggests you sell yourself and give sexual favors for drugs?

[girl friend]

Hi there,

How you doing these days?

 

It sounds like your fiance/boyfriend is bad for you. The beatings, the abuse, the drugs, the gangster image, you must know you don't deserve that stuff. Cant you go home, to your parents home, until you get yourself sorted out?

They'll respect you now more than they will if you wait until everything really gets out of control.

 

You've correctly identified the cycle you're afraid of getting into, but you seem in a situation where that future seems very probably, unless you physically leave, geographically.

 

You're also right that the drugs/drinking is a form of self-harm.

why can't you tell your psychiatrist? She's there to help isn't she? And you said yourself its not gone that far yet to need rehab, if you're not addicted. You want to stop too, and you know that you can.

 

Think about your life, think about why you like to use drugs. Is it a defence mechanism? Is it because they distort reality? Because it sounds to me like your reality is a damned hard time girl. I would tell you to GET out while you can, but i don't suppose i can ever fully know your situation, so advice is cheap, and i know that you love him.

 

Let us know how you are doing, and what you decide,

Be strong girl, you can get through this.

 

girl friend

[Anotherday]

I WILL NEVER EVER GO TO REHAB I was put in a clinic for a month and I had the worst time of my life there I was crying everyday every 2 seconds and I honestly wanted to die, when I think about being in the clinic I feel an internal fear rush threw me. I had these problems with only 3 weeks imagine 3 months no way. I rather quit cold turkey then ever be put in an institution again.

 

Well, I don't blame you. Been there, done that. I won't do it again (after more than X times, I don't even want to say).

 

Nonetheless, it seems to me that it's necessary to find something better in life. I read you go to your p-doc and therapist. I also deal with psych issues. It's very hard.

 

I've looked in my community for a support group and found one for depression and anxiety. Just going there once a week has helped. Is it possible you might find resources like this in your community?

 

Most important thing is to realize that life CAN be better, but it does take a LOT of work and pain, more often than not.

 

Edit: I went back and re-read your OP. Without being willing to do some major internal work, it's pretty hard to limit using behavior. Are you sure that's the question you should be asking? How to limit your use?

 

My theory is that we improve our lives by the little decisions we make on a daily basis. Via this and other stuff (like meds, especially in my case), things can change. The idea for me isn't how to limit using, rather how to get a life so I don't even really want to use. JMHO.

[Blue Dreamer]

I will come clean I do cocain once every two weeks Ive always had problems with smoking pot, I smoke everyday even though little amounts but now Im finding it harder to say no to alcohaul as well. Last week Ive been drinking and smoking everyday. I think If I really tried hard I could smoke only on weekends Im not sure what Im asking for on here.

 

Hi becky,

 

It seems you are currently living to get f**ked up. It seems you are acting (living) to secure your self defined insecurities on a daily basis. That's why the masses drink and/or take drugs. Read on please.

 

You already know that you need to clean your act up, period. You are clearly one step ahead of the crowd. You have already taught yourself that you need change. That is a big ticket. You know that you want to take better care of yourself and kudos to you for thinking like that!@!!!@!!!!!

The masses of humans do not wake up like you have. You are by far headed in the right direction. Serious kudos to you. God damn, take care of yourself as you know you should!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Shiznit.

[Blue Dreamer]

Your reality is that you define yourself at all times. No external human action can influence you unless you allow it to. Everything I say is as important as you allow it to be. Your life is up to you, always. You are truth if you live via your heart. You are fake if you live via other's perceptions of reality. I am such a blunt jerk, geez!!!!! Sorry guys.

 

 

The best for all ENA’ers this holiday season.

 

 

Shiznit.

[girl friend]

beckyfisher,

you still on here? How you doing?

Hope you're ok,

girl friend