trust

[yukon]

I have been married for 12 years and together the last 17 years. we have 2 daughters, the last coule of years I have been noticing my wife less interested in our relationship. I have tried to point this out and discuss ways to rekindle. The last several months she has been going for coffee with men that do not relate to her job. I have asked why and she implies just to talk and I should not worry. I informed her this doesn't help witht he trust factor and I do not like ti. I understood if these men had something to do with her worek, life, childrene etc.

 

It is becoming a real issue for me, I feel she is up to something, am I crazy to think this or is she trying to make me crazy.

[NYSTAR]

Yukon - I can relate to what you are saying and feeling - similar thing happened to me, and I believed my SO when I was told it was nothing and to have trust - long story short, my SO had what I have learned to be and "emotional Affair" Losing interest in us, our home, our relationship etc., all the things we would talk about and share, was being shared with another, even the issues in our relationship was being taken outside to this "other" person - and of course this other person tried to explain all the reasons why my SO should leave our relationship - we have hung on, but it isn't easy

I hope this is not what is happening to you -

But if possible, try to have her end all ties now with these men!

[Snoopy24]

First, you should talk to her and tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her going out with men you don't know.

 

Maybe suggest you go with her next time?

 

See what she says.

 

 

If that doesn't work out , I would probably hire a private detective.

 

I mean, that is the only real way you can tell, and if your gut is telling you she is up to something...unfortunately she probably is.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have been married for 12 years and together the last 17 years. we have 2 daughters, the last coule of years I have been noticing my wife less interested in our relationship. I have tried to point this out and discuss ways to rekindle. The last several months she has been going for coffee with men that do not relate to her job. I have asked why and she implies just to talk and I should not worry. I informed her this doesn't help witht he trust factor and I do not like ti. I understood if these men had something to do with her worek, life, childrene etc.

 

It is becoming a real issue for me, I feel she is up to something, am I crazy to think this or is she trying to make me crazy.

 

No you are not crazy and I don't think she is trying to make you crazy..she is too self-involved at the moment to concern herself with how you feel. I think you need to talk to her...tell her you noticed her pulling away and at the same time she has been going for coffee with various men (it sounds like she could be on a dating site and meeting men for coffee). Tell her that the two of you need to discuss the state of your marriage and get some counselling and that you are not happy with her going out meeting a bunch of men for coffee instead of taking the time to work on the issues within the marriage. See how she reacts. If she gets defensive and twists things around on you, then you can pretty much bet that she is "headed for the cheatin' side of town" (Eagles song, Lyin Eyes). Don't put up with this.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I have tried to point this out and discuss ways to rekindle.

 

What was her response to your efforts?

 

Does she spend a lot of time on the computer?

[jettison]

First, you should talk to her and tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her going out with men you don't know.

 

Maybe suggest you go with her next time?

 

See what she says.

 

 

If that doesn't work out , I would probably hire a private detective.

 

I mean, that is the only real way you can tell, and if your gut is telling you she is up to something...unfortunately she probably is.

 

Now I see why you call yourself "Snoopy". ;-)

 

If you're to the point where you'd have to hire a PI, then isn't the relationship already over? It is in my book. If a woman is having lunch dates with strange men that you don't know then there is definitely a problem. I wouldn't threaten though. I'd just announce that I was leaving in a completely calm, matter of fact way.

 

When you act emotional, accusatory, mean-spirited, etc., you are actually giving her exactly what she wants... emotional attention. She isn't going to risk positive emotional attention on you, but she still craves it from you.

 

You are currently reacting to her actions. Don't react. Just act. There's a big difference. The more she realizes that she can exhibit bad behavior and get you to react emotionally, the more she'll do it.

 

I've given this advice before. Go watch "The Dog Whisperer". Pay attention to how the dog acts when the owner acts crazy, emotional, yells, pleads, and loses control. The dog will continue to not only act up, but the behavior will grow steadily worse, and the dog will even start to act out in vindictive ways... biting, running away, etc. This is because the dog realizes that it will get a powerful emotional response if it acts this way, and that the power of the response will be in direct proportion to the negative action. It's all about attention.

 

So you know when you hear things like, "Women crave drama." It's just a cliche, but this is what's behind it. Women crave passion, not drama. Women crave a powerful emotional response, and even if it's subconscious, they'll do things to bring about that response, even if it means torching the relationship. Men work the same way sometimes.

 

Then pay attention to the way the dog trainer acts with the dog. There is zero emotional response. There are quick, hard, distinct, easy to understand, very predictive actions. If the dog acts up, it is basically ignored. Zero emotional response. In the end, he always gets the best of the dog because the dog was looking for a leader, and now the dog knows he has one.

 

Before anyone complains, I AM NOT comparing women to dogs. One could turn this scenario and replace it with men as well. And further, I'm just talking about the reactive quality of people. In a relationship, sometimes both the men and the women need to be tamed.

[Snoopy24]

Now I see why you call yourself "Snoopy". ;-).

 

Hahaha ..no it was actually my cats name from when I was 4-21.

 

But, no I don't think the relationship is over if you have to hire a pd. I mean I wouldn't bother with my bf now. If I even suspected him seeing someone else now, I would leave.

 

But in a relationship of 20 years, that is your life. People who cheat usually don't just come out and say "yes baby I am cheating on you"

 

Is it the right thing to do? No..but it is really the only way to know for sure. And if she isn't he will know and he should try to work on his trust issues and if she is, he should confront her and either leave, or work hard on saving their marriage.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Then pay attention to the way the dog trainer acts with the dog. There is zero emotional response. There are quick, hard, distinct, easy to understand, very predictive actions. If the dog acts up, it is basically ignored. Zero emotional response. In the end, he always gets the best of the dog because the dog was looking for a leader, and now the dog knows he has one.

 

Yes, I learned the hard way on this one..but let me tell you, it is soo hard to act unemotionaly when you come home to find your dog has chewed up the sofa...but I learned how to walk away. Now he doesn't wreck the sofa anymore.

[duchesstigerlily]

I agree with the whole dog scenario. I used to react all the time to my husband's silly behavior and I always ended up feeling worse after I reacted because I knew I was giving the reaction he wanted and anticipated. Eventually, I just ignored him when he acted like a 2 year. If he started having a tantrum...I would just walk away and that left him really confused. As time went on he stopped with the BS behavior because I wasn't giving in and I felt a whole lot better about myself for not crying and yelling etc. etc.

 

I would definitely be concerned about your wife meeting up with strange men for "coffee". Is she willing to let you join in on these get togethers? If not, then she is definitely hiding something for sure. If she can't do it in front of your or with you present then obviously it isn't as innocent as she wants you to believe.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

If she spends a lot of time on the computer, you might want to consider getting a keylogger.