He just emailed me...what do I do?

[ycmanvs]

I have been in no contact for 12 days. I just got a very long email from him saying that he missed me but he did not know what to do. He analyzed the relationship in great detail, but did not really say anything about a future together.

So, do I ignore this email and go on with my life?

[Timebandit]

I think we need some more details here. It completely depends on whther you have any hopes on getting him back and how he analyzed your relationship.

 

If you completely disagree with his analysis, it is probably better to ignore it.

[southerngirl]

This all depends on what you want.

[shes2smart]

From what little you've said, my gut feeling is it's one of those emails that the writer crafts primarily for themselves. The fact that it's an analysis of the relationship (entirely from HIS point of view, no doubt) is what's making me think that.

 

You don't need to post it here, of course, but it wouldn't surprise me if it's one of those kinds of things that people occasionally post here asking if they should send it to their ex and most posters reply along the lines of, "No, that's something you wrote to further your own healing. Your ex doesn't need to see that. You'll just confuse them."

[Gratsy]

Ignore it. He said he doesn't know what to do. Just ignore it till he does.

[ycmanvs]

From what little you've said, my gut feeling is it's one of those emails that the writer crafts primarily for themselves. The fact that it's an analysis of the relationship (entirely from HIS point of view, no doubt) is what's making me think that.

 

You don't need to post it here, of course, but it wouldn't surprise me if it's one of those kinds of things that people occasionally post here asking if they should send it to their ex and most posters reply along the lines of, "No, that's something you wrote to further your own healing. Your ex doesn't need to see that. You'll just confuse them."

 

I completely agree. I knew he would do this sooner or later. I felt sad reading it but I do not feel any obligation to respond. He lied and cheated on me and did not take any responsibility for that. He admitted that he has issues that he needs to work on, and I hope that in the future he can take care of those problems, but I've already wasted 3 years of my life, so I am moving on.

 

Maybe some day, months from now I will write back, but at this moment, it is too soon and I am afraid that if I have contact with him, I might go back to this dysfunctional relationship....so I am protecting myself.

[ycmanvs]

Great. Now he just texted me that he sent me an email. It will be hard to stay in no contact but I have to be strong.

[Timebandit]

Great. Now he just texted me that he sent me an email. It will be hard to stay in no contact but I have to be strong.

 

Yes - given your description of your relationship, I think not contacting him is the right thing to do.

 

Have strength.

[Gratsy]

Just ignore it. Go for a walk, go find a friend. Delete the text.

[arwen]

So, do I ignore this email and go on with my life?

 

In short, YES. You had every reason to end this relationship, this man has been poison to your happiness. He is trying to manipulate you. If you find ignoring difficult, delete the message and block emails from him. It is difficult but you will feel so much more empowered.

 

Stay strong girl. Things will really get better for you.

 

Arwen

[ycmanvs]

My friends think I should be polite to him, but after the way he treated me, I do not owe him a response. I know it will be difficult for him to understand what is going on, but a clean break is what I need. They say that addicts do not choose recovery, until they've hit rock bottom. Maybe now he will see what he has lost because of his immaturity and fear of commitment.

[arwen]

My friends think I should be polite to him, but after the way he treated me, I do not owe him a response. I know it will be difficult for him to understand what is going on, but a clean break is what I need. They say that addicts do not choose recovery, until they've hit rock bottom. Maybe now he will see what he has lost because of his immaturity and fear of commitment.

 

I wonder why your friends would say this. Are they mutual friends by any chance? I think that you answered your own question. YOU need a clean break. What he needs at this point is not your concern. You broke up with him because there is no future that includes personal happiness with him.

[ycmanvs]

All my friends know him. They do not like him but they feel bad for him because they are all very nice people. I need to take care of my own mental health and emotional stability. Having him in my life has done more damage than good, so I am choosing not to keep in touch with him.

I have a job interview today. Getting that email made me very emotional this morning, so now I am hoping that I can make a good impression, even though I am upset.

[AngryHeart]

He cheated and lied. Ignore it.

[Timebandit]

All my friends know him. They do not like him but they feel bad for him because they are all very nice people. I need to take care of my own mental health and emotional stability. Having him in my life has done more damage than good, so I am choosing not to keep in touch with him.

I have a job interview today. Getting that email made me very emotional this morning, so now I am hoping that I can make a good impression, even though I am upset.

 

Do whatever is most healthy for you. You don't owe him anything.

[shes2smart]

My friends think I should be polite to him, but after the way he treated me, I do not owe him a response. I know it will be difficult for him to understand what is going on, but a clean break is what I need. They say that addicts do not choose recovery, until they've hit rock bottom. Maybe now he will see what he has lost because of his immaturity and fear of commitment.

 

 

Oh, so we're dealing with an addict, eh?

 

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt and a few holes punched in apartment walls to prove it. Very stormy 5 years with an alcoholic.

 

Addicts are VERY adept at figuring out what someone wants to hear and then saying it very convincingly so they get what they want. I cannot tell you how many times my alcoholic ex sweet-talked his way back into my good graces. And every time it was nothing but lies.

 

You're right to be highly suspect of his real agenda.

 

As for your friends, unless they've dealt with an addict, they will not understand why even polite, superficial contact is out of the question for your own well-being.

[ycmanvs]

Oh, so we're dealing with an addict, eh?

 

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt and a few holes punched in apartment walls to prove it. Very stormy 5 years with an alcoholic.

 

Addicts are VERY adept at figuring out what someone wants to hear and then saying it very convincingly so they get what they want. I cannot tell you how many times my alcoholic ex sweet-talked his way back into my good graces. And every time it was nothing but lies.

 

You're right to be highly suspect of his real agenda.

 

As for your friends, unless they've dealt with an addict, they will not understand why even polite, superficial contact is out of the question for your own well-being.

 

 

Yes, that is what makes it so hard. When we first met he went to meetings every Saturday. Then he stopped going and started going out all the time. Most of the time he would go out without me because I was studying and not drinking and he did not think I was "fun" to be around.

He plays WoW and he would play it non-stop during his free time. At first I did not think this was a problem, but then I noticed that he never did laundry, dishes, his taxes, pay bills on time, etc.

He has a very addictive personality and I tried to be understanding since I have battled with my own problems for years.

However, now I have to move on and do what is best for me. It hurts to know that things did not work out, but I think he will be better off without me, and vice versa.

[shes2smart]

WoW is a weird beast.

 

Both I and my husband play and one of my initial observations was that I wouldn't find it surprising if the powers that be at Blizzard studied up on addictions and addictive substances and applied every bit of that knowledge to the creation of that game.

 

I'm 43. I have some first hand experience with my own addictive issues (compulsive eating) along with the alcoholic ex. Of all people, I should know about that addictive cycle, but sometimes I will catch myself getting "funny" about WoW. If I had kids, I wouldn't let them play this game because of it's stupidly-high addiction potential.

 

Much like alcohol, WoW is an activity (substance) that some people can use responsibly in moderation....and some people cannot. Since your ex was letting basic responsibilities slide (laundry, bill paying), he clearly has a problem with the game and whatever other substances he is/was using.

 

The thing about someone with an active addiction (no matter what the substance is) is that they are not capable of creating/maintaining a healthy relationship. Not that they don't want to...but they CAN'T.

 

I tried to be understanding since I have battled with my own problems for years

 

Have you ever read anything about co-dependency? Might be worth your while to get a book or two from your local library if you haven't. I'm not full-on co-dep, but I have enough traits that I can, almost without fail, walk into a room and pick out men who have addiction issues with a quickness. Back when I was single and before all the therapy, I would not only pick em out, but then get ridiculously smitten with them, too.

 

The good news is that selecting healthier partners is a skill that can be learned.

[ycmanvs]

LOL, we have many things in common, you and I... and I have a strange feeling that we might know eachother in real life, based on a number of your posts, but I digress.

Actually, I have a degree in psychology and I have been in therapy for many years and I do know very much about co-dependency, and this was a very textbook case of it...

So, I finally decided to live a healthier life, both physically and emotionally and getting out of this relationship was one of the things that I needed to do. I feel bad because I could not help him in any other way, but I think walking away maybe of more help to him, than if I continued the cycle.

[shes2smart]

LOL, we have many things in common, you and I... and I have a strange feeling that we might know eachother in real life, based on a number of your posts, but I digress.

 

Given some of the things I've lived through in the last several decades, that wouldn't surprise me. The world is much smaller than most people realize.

 

If you want some confirmation, feel free to PM.

[ycmanvs]

Well, my interview went well. I am very surprised that I do not feel the need to tell my ex about it. Even though I felt sad this morning when I read his email, I am slowly accepting the fact that I feel so much better without him. It is a very strange feeling to be alone and happy about it.

I have always been one of those people who goes from one relationship to the next, but somehow, this time I do not feel the need to find anyone.

 

Is this what maturity looks like?

[arwen]

Maturity ... yes, this but it also fits the description of the beginning of moving on, a new start and regaining confidence and most importantly independence.

 

I am very happy to hear your interview went well too.

[Clabs]

Hey ycmanvs

 

Great news about your interview and I am so glad it went well for you - good for you, girlie!

 

It sounds like you are relieved to be without him - again, good for you. It is sad when relationships end, but it can be so empowering when you accept you are better off on your own.

 

Take this a day at a time and get back to being you!

 

Mark