did i shoot myself in the foot

[kickedin]

she called me last night...we have been fighting since sunday becuas ei found a guys number in her phone stored under a girls name.....at first she was apologetic then flipped and said you are too controlling and dont trust me and thats why i did it becuase you dont let me make my own choices......

 

so anyway we argued more and she has yet to make me feel ok about al thi jusy wants to ram it down my throat how she doesnt know if she can do this because i m too controlling i said yeah but you deceived me......we argue more and and bascially neither one of is giving up any ground

 

i hang up

 

this mornining i texted: "i understand what you are trying to say as i did last week and why things got here i just dont want to fight anymore it solves nothing i have alot on me and i know you do too so i am going to step back and handle what on my plate and let things cool off a bit and xxxxx i do see you are hurting to in a different way"

 

 

What do you guys think...... that was a half hour ago....

[rebirth]

First off, I really would like to know how you can tell whether a phone number belongs to a male. The only way I could imagine would be dialing the number and checking who is answering the phone. If that's exactly what you did, you may need to consider the following: She probably did this, because she already knew that you would go and check her address book looking for male names and make a big deal out of it in case you find one. That's the case here I guess. And I see some trust issues there. Did something happen between you guys leading to lack of trust? Do you automatically assume there is something going on behind your back just because a friend of hers happens to be from the opposite sex? Jumping to conclusions? Think about it and talk to her. Without fighting.

[Timebandit]

so anyway we argued more and she has yet to make me feel ok about al thi j

 

She really cannot make you feel OK about this. You two have some trust issues that you either deal with together or split up (now or somewhere down the road).

 

You need to communicate with her in a mature fashion to find out where the two of you are going.

[kickedin]

she had a male friend that she met during the 4 months when we where apart she agreed to phase the relationship out and that i should trust her to do so.....yes i did go through her phone because of how shes been making me feel lately....i i knew his number and saw it was missing but stored under a girls name.....she was soooo sorry at first but then flipped it on me that im too controlling and yes i can forgive but shes acting like she cant comtinue this unless i allow her to be her which may mean her staying in communication with him......???????????

[rebirth]

A male friend? That doesn't sound that bad. Was it a romantic relationship? Sort of a rebound after you split up? Or just a friend? But still. Her phone is off limits. After hearing the additional information it seems to me that she clearly had a good reason for storing that other guy's number under a female name. It's like she already knew you would go through her phone. If she was rebounding with that other guy, you have the right to ask her to cut ties with him. But just let her do it in her way. Don't expect it to happen as soon as you press the button. And the fact that she still has his number is actually not that a big evidence after all.

[kickedin]

no apparently just a friend never a hook up...he did joking make a pass at her....she told me that she would cut ies on her own time which i trusted her to do back in sept.....i feel its more of a control issue and not really him...she just knows its eating at me..,...

[rebirth]

So it is not about what she is doing, but why she is doing it? Do you genuinely think that she is doing that to get back at you for some reason? I understand that you gave her a deadline by which she must have cut that male friend of hers out of her life. It's her friend and it's her life, man. If you so much want him out of her life, you should have better reasons than the one that you mention. Because obviously he is just a friend. So what, if he once made a joke you didn't like. If she had really intended to hurt you by keeping in touch with him, she wouldn't have stored his number under a fake name in her phone which she clearly knew you would be going through. I see serious control and trust issues here and she probably has a point when she claims that you don't let her make her own choices. Cool down, trust her and trust yourself.

[kickedin]

well thats why i sent her the text......but i feel like less of a man because i did find this and didnt walk.....but yet am willing to work on it..? so confused

[rebirth]

What do you think you found? You found nothing. It's not like you caught them both in bed. You found out that she still keeps the phone number of that guy you wanted her to cut out of her life for no legitimite reason. You didn't find anything else. Sorry if this is too harsh, but given the information you seem to be the one at fault here. You cannot tell her how to go about her friendly relationships and you cannot go through her phone. That's pure privacy violation. And you are no less of a man when you accept it and apologize for it. On the contrary, only then you're a man.

[kickedin]

so you saw the text i sent her in my first post this am i have gotten no response....... what should i do

[rebirth]

That text sounds way too neutral for a person in your position. In my opinion you could have instead clearly state that you see where you did wrong, acknowledge it, and tell her that you are willing to work on it. An apology would be also very elegant.

[kickedin]

That text sounds way too neutral for a person in your position. In my opinion you could have instead clearly state that you see where you did wrong, acknowledge it, and tell her that you are willing to work on it. An apology would be also very elegant.

 

but she did deceive me....and did admit it......