Pro-active advice desperately needed!

[xxfitchick]

So for those of you who haven't read my thread, I'll give you a quick synopsis. My boyfriend of almost two years and I are currently on a "break" (no dating or hooking up with others) because I became very jealous/insecure/needy (i'm sure you know the story haha), we were supposed to get back together after two weeks, however, he claimed he needed more time because he did not yet feel as though he could fully forgive me and have a good time on his own without feeling obligated to check in ect... while in a relationship with me. He also wanted to become more outgoing and felt he still needed time to develop this. Obviously I was crushed but he assured me we would get back together over xmas break.

 

Well, that is rapidly approaching (2 days!!!) and although I don't expect to get back together right away and am willing to be patient, I don't want to get let on and be his "girl friend" when it's convienient and "on a break" when it's not.

 

so here is the update: today he mentioned that he is going to an xmas/end of the year party at his fraternity on thursday (the day i come home) and made no attempt to invite me (but did not say he did not want me there either). This wouldn't concern me... expect this is the EXACT same thing he did when I came home last time (there was a stupid frat party so i didn't get to see him the day I came home) and I don't understand why he would not invite me if I am going to be his "girl friend" again (as in, involved in a committed relationship)... to me this illustrates that NOTHING has changed, but I may be over-reacting, as I am prone to that.

 

I just wanted to get some thoughts as to whether or not I am just creating negative "signs" that do not mean anything and how I should handle the situation...

 

i just can't help but ignore the fact that this seems like dejavu, and after all my hard work while on this break it would be a damn shame to find out i've just been played by my best friend of five years. thanks all!

 

Pro-active advice would be appreciated...should I express my concerns or blow it off? Should I even be reading into this or just take it as him continuing to take his space?

 

Please do not just tell me to move on, I already have plans with him over break that involve our families and were made recently, so I know it is not COMPLETELY over, I just need to know how to realistically interpret this and up my odds of preventing a true break up and getting the love of my life back. THANKS!!!

[havefaith]

You have to be okay without him before you can be happy with him.

 

Seriously, brace yourself either way girl. STOP reading into it. You need to know something: even if you two get back together over break, it's not going to be fine and perfect. It will probably be slow since you pushed him away, he will not open up to you at first, there will not be a lot of verbal reassurances.

 

Be cool. Let him have his fun. Shrug it off so fast it makes his head spin. If he tries to extend the break again, politely tell him where he can stick it. You need to know your limits and it looks like you are reaching them because once you start over-analyzing every little thing you can forget about a happy, trust relationship.

 

Did you go online today or did he call you?

 

I think you should plan something with a friend or family member for the day you get home. So now if he tries to invite you to this frat thing, you will have some other plans. How about making HIM hold his breath for a second or two? He won't be expecting this from you, and it will give you a great powerful feeling to know you have a life.

 

All the best and PM me for more words of encouragement LOL. I will be thinking of you as you head home (so jealous!) and keep us all posted here. Rooting for you!

[gradle]

ok. trust the above post. do your own thing that night. try to have a good night. and STAY AWAY from him. give him his space. and get your space. let things just flow, i promise....if you take things a little easier, things will work out how they're supposed to.

don't freak out on him. i lost my long term boyfriend b/c i didn't give him the space he needed, and there are many times that i regret that (even though i'm ok, it's still hard to think about how i lost him). give him his space, and grow a little on your own.

[xxfitchick]

thank you so much, you have no idea how much your advice and story has helped me, it's so good to hear from somebody who is realistic but not completely pessimistic.

 

i know i need to become more independent... it's interesting because i have always been that way. i think that finals week and not having much to do (other than think since I had 5 days of nothing) has really been wearing on me. When I'm out doing stuff, I'm happy, it's still on my mind but I feel more empowered.

 

and yes, I will admit, I did get online, but the away message was up and he still IMed me 3 times. Like I said, this party only bothers me because it's dejavu and I don't understand why he won't invite me if I'm going to be his "girl friend" again... especially because I am quite the partier myself!!!

 

but yeah, maybe i'll try to make some plans... it'll be hard since a lot of people won't be home yet but I know that's what I need to do (although if he does invite me it'd be hard to say no... I miss partying at his frat soooo much hahaha)

 

thanks again for the encouragement and pro-active advice, anybody else is welcome to chime in!!!

[havefaith]

I think the finals are getting to you, I am going through the same thing really (hence why I am on ENA, procrastinating). In the past couple days I have caught myself picking at my bf (just a tad), the same old sh*t that got me into trouble. It's a hard lesson to learn. You really have to keep reminding yourself everyday about the person you want to become/are trying to get back to being.

 

I know you want to go to the frat (when I thought me and bf were breaking up I thought, I can't break up with his friends!!) but he didn't initially invite you and I think you should say NO.

 

I would try not to look at it as "if I was his GF he would want me there" because I don't think that's the issue. I know my boyfriend cares for me but when we were having our talk 4 months ago he told me if we were going to work things out he felt like "bro time" was super important to him. Just try to stop testing him and that way when he doesn't pass you won't be disappointed.

 

For the record I really do believe that if you back off and be very patient with him (and not just for a little while but kind of change your behavior for good) you will be back with him. I really do think that. So just breathe and try to look forward to simply spending time together.

 

Now I'll stop and let someone else chime in :splat: Sorry this is just hitting so close to home for me!

[xxfitchick]

haha ohhhh no, chime in all you want, I am going absolutely crazy over here...

 

does anybody else have any advice? I'm trying to get objective viewpoints so that I do not go home with a clouded vission of what might and happen and the potential of us getting back together. Are "signs" really just over analyzation of nothing, or is there a lot of truth to be found in the little things?

 

what do you all think?