I Think I Blew It - Now She Has a B/F

[hailtothevictors]

I started dating a girl in the spring - no official bf/gf ... but we talked daily, went on dates, etc. The relationship was progressing and doing well, but after a month or so, my ex (high school sweetheart) contacted me and wanted to try things again. I was unsure what to do, but I ended up telling the new girl the entire situation, how I would always regret it if I didn't give things another try w/ my ex. I told her I could only be friends with her right now, and she took it pretty hard. She was really starting to fall for me. I felt terrible, but I felt like I needed to give the ex a second chance.

 

The ex and I started hanging out again but it didn't last long - out of the blue she told me she had started dating one of my best friends. It was like breaking up all over again and my life sucked for a few months.

 

I kept in contact with the new girl through all of this, but while I was off finding out my ex is a terrible person, the new girl started dating her ex! I'm really regretting not sticking with her the first time, and she's all I think about now. We still talk almost daily, and we had a long chat the other day about how we wished everything would have worked out differently. She still seems to really like me, but she has another boyfriend now. What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel? Thanks for the help!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

You can tell her how you feel, sure. There's nothing wrong with honesty. Just don't try anything that would be manipulative, that would be like trying to persuade her to drop the new/old guy.

 

Let her know how you feel and then just be there. See how things develop. If she breaks it off with him, then there's your chance. If she doesn't, then go on with your life.

 

Good luck!

[hailtothevictors]

How would I say it though? Just say (obviously paraphrasing here): "Hey, I really like you and I really regret not giving us a fair shot over the summer when everything seemed to be going so well. I know you have a boyfriend, but I just wanted to let you know." ?

[wiser]

Now that's my definition of Karma.

[hailtothevictors]

Now that's my definition of Karma.

 

Very valid point.

 

During our discussion the other night, we got to talking about why she got back together with her ex. She struggles with her self-confidence at times, and after our "break-up" (I hesitate to call it that because we were never really in a relationship - we haven't even kissed!) she started doubting herself.

 

According to her, she realized she would never be able to get a "perfect guy" like me (again, her words, I'm not trying to be self-centered!), so she figured she would "settle" for her ex, whom she was comfortable with and knew what she was getting. She said she still wishes things would have gone differently with us.

 

Obviously, there are a few things wrong with this. I don't feel like you should ever "settle" for a significant other; it should be someone you feel passionately about. Also, she has everything working for her - there is no reason for her to think she can't get whoever she wants.

 

If she is just settling for her ex because he is familiar to her, why not take a risk and go for something you really want?

[wiser]

If she is just settling for her ex because he is familiar to her, why not take a risk and go for something you really want?

 

The devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

 

You really hurt her. She doesnt know if you will do it again. I bet that if she could be 100% sure that you wouldnt dump her again, she would be right there by your side.

[hailtothevictors]

I bet that if she could be 100% sure that you wouldnt dump her again, she would be right there by your side.

 

I would like to think this, but I'm not sure. Any suggestions on how to show her it won't happen again?

[wiser]

I would like to think this, but I'm not sure. Any suggestions on how to show her it won't happen again?

 

You can't.

 

All you can do is be a friend, keep the contact going, and maybe over time she will start to trust you again, and then perhaps you can rebuild something. Of course, this other dude in the picture is going to complicate things.

[hailtothevictors]

Thanks for all your responses, wiser, I appreciate it.

 

What is your opinion on whether I should tell her how I feel? Would it be beneficial to get it out in the open or should I keep it to myself?

[wiser]

Thanks for all your responses, wiser, I appreciate it.

 

What is your opinion on whether I should tell her how I feel? Would it be beneficial to get it out in the open or should I keep it to myself?

 

I would say that in order to rebuilt trust, you should be open with her. Just dont act like a wuss and lay it on too thick...

[CarnelianButterfly]

You are going to have to be sure yourself. Are you ever going to treat her like that again? You put her second, to most people that's a pretty crappy place to be. Think about how you would feel if you were in her shoes. What would the person that dropped you need to say to make you feel like you were no longer second place? What would need to happen to bring your self worth and happiness back?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Carnelian is right. Are you going to do that again?

 

Do be honest with her. You already know that she wishes things would have gone differently too. Just tell her you made a mistake and now you realize you still have feelings. But also tell her that you respect her current relationship and will be there for her.

 

She has to come to a decision about the new/old guy without any help from you. If she returns, you want it to be pure and unmanipulated, right?

[ghost69]

you pretty much made her feel inferior to your ex though. i'm not sure you can repair this one.

[hailtothevictors]

We've been talking a lot lately, and she invited me to study with her on Wednesday (we're in the middle of exam week right now).

 

I still haven't told her how I feel, because I'm not quite sure how to do it. I feel like no matter what I say it will come accross like I'm trying to mess things up between her and this guy.

 

Should I even say anything to her or just keeping going with the flow? I'm worried that if I don't say anything I might transition into being "just a friend" ... but one of our mutual friends thinks it's inappropriate for me to say anything because of this guy.

[buckdawg]

about the only advice i can give you is:

 

GO BUCKS!!!!

[hailtothevictors]

So here is my dilemma. I was talking to a mutual friend last night, and he is adamantly against me saying anything to this girl. He thinks that because she has a boyfriend, it would be unfair of me to put her in that position.

 

I somewhat agree. I don't want to do anything to hurt her, and I'm worried that me saying something along the lines of "I made a mistake in the summer, I wish we could try again, but I understand you have a boyfriend and I respect that" would make her incredibly stressed and I don't want to do that to her.

 

BUT, at the same time, she did tell me that she started dating him because she forced herself to accept that things might not pick up again between the two of us. Since that is now a possibility again, ... I don't know. I guess I just don't know how she could respond to me saying something to her. I mean, what would you say to that?

 

Basically it boils down to, I really like her and its eating away at me inside for her to think that I still am not ready for a relationship when I really am. However, I understand she has a boyfriend and I don't want to do anything to hurt her again. I'm just really torn.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Saying anything to her isn't respecting she has a boyfriend, saying nothing respects her having a boyfriend.

 

If you really want to be with her, you will let her be and wait. You've jerked around her life and feelings enough, leave her to make her own choices with her boyfriend. If they break up, then you can come back, tell her you made a mistake and want to try again.

 

If you break up her current relationship and things aren't great in your relationship, it will be hard on her yet again. You've got a serious up hill battle, you have to rebuild trust, prove to her that you are serious, and be a stable and reliable boyfriend.

[ghost69]

she's moved on. you need not reply to it.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I don't think your saying anything about how you feel respects or disrespects her relationship. That's crazy. You are just being honest. However, if your gut says that you ought to not say anything, then go with your gut.

 

Let's remember that her relationship is her business. Nothing you do or say is going to change the relationship, it is all on her side of the street.

[hailtothevictors]

Ok, so last night we hung out together. We studied for a few hours, then went back to my apartment and exchanged Christmas presents. I was worried about getting too "cutesy" or "boyfriend/girlfriend-like" with my presents, so I just got her a movie. She got me four little presents, each regarding an inside joke that we have, and each with a little handwritten note explaining them. She also gave me a handmade card.

 

After the gift exchange, we just hung out in my apartment and talked. She kept saying, "I'll leave in like 15 minutes," but then when the time came she never left. Eventually I walked her home at about 12:30.

 

We had so much fun, nothing was awkward, and there was lots of laughter a joking. It was just like it used to be. She texted me this morning to say good luck on my exam.

 

NOW, I'm even more torn. Tomorrow we start winter break, so she will go back home (where her b/f lives) for a month and I probably won't see her. I really feel like I should say something, just to let her know that I messed up in the summer and if ever we get a second chance I would love to take it. All indications seem to say she really likes me, but obviously she has a boyfriend and I don't want to be the kind of guy that intentionally tries to bust up other people's relationships. At the same time though, what if we both really want to try again, but she doesn't think I want to because I didn't tell her how I feel?!

 

I can't stop thinking about her and I'm pretty sure she really likes me too ... but it's so frustrating because I can't do anything!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I would just tell her and end the misery and questioning. Let her take the information as she likes. Meanwhile, don't make any true plays aside from telling her this. 'I want you to know that if I could ever have another chance with you, I would take it in a heartbeat.' Tell her that now that you've said it, you won't talk about it anymore. It's out there and on the table.

[ghost69]

i'd cut it off altogether. she is with someone now. don't apologize for anything. you owe her nothing. why are you still pining over her? you said it yourself you lost her and screwed up.

 

here is why you want her back: she is with someone and she seems untouchable now to you. and you are still in contact with her with the feelings you had before. plain and simple why.