Need Analysis Please

[Alonzo Heinz]

Case Closed

[Alonzo Heinz]

hey is there anyone here that can help me, im in a really bad situation. thanks

[Alonzo Heinz]

people please, can someone give me some ideas or anything

[thinkstoohard]

AH, I think the best thing for you to do is cut your losses and move on. It sounds like ya'll are in totally different places and there is nothing you can do about it. The longer you hang around the further you will push her away and the longer it will take you to heal. Easier said than done but I say let her go.

[Alonzo Heinz]

so are you saying theres no hope for getting back together?

[thinkstoohard]

so are you saying theres no hope for getting back together?

 

I'm saying it's out of your hands right now. You can't make her want to be with you if she doesn't want to be. The harder you try the further away she will go. The point is that you shouldn't wait around for her. Doing so will make you look weak and unattractive.

 

B/c you are in school I assume you are young and have some wonderful college years ahead of you. Go out, have fun and move on. If she comes back around that will be icing on the cake!!

[Alonzo Heinz]

so what about the part about her still wanting to be good friends, is that something i should still do or just forget altogether

[thinkstoohard]

so what about the part about her still wanting to be good friends, is that something i should still do or just forget altogether

 

I would have to assume that she either means it or is using it to keep you on the backburner. For your own dignity and well being I would forget it for now.

[Alonzo Heinz]

so you think i should just forget she exists and start chasing down new girls? also is there anything you see that could help me get her back that works for our situation? thanks

[thinkstoohard]

so you think i should just forget she exists and start chasing down new girls? also is there anything you see that could help me get her back that works for our situation? thanks

 

I would just move on. I have learned that there is no magic solution to get her back. Check out my threads and all the others on here and you will see.

[wiser]

Sorry friend, there's nothing to add other than what bildit00 has already told you. If you can handle being her friend, and are willing to take the hit when she tells you she has a new boyfriend, then go ahead, but again, as suggested, for your own self respect and peace of mind, you are probably better off just moving on.

 

Just because you want to be with her doesn't mean you can have any effect on the way she feels. Sometimes low or no contact helps, but in your case it doesn't seem to be.

[Alonzo Heinz]

by move on does that mean cut all ties with her? and yes i do know there is no magic in getting her back. i was just wondering like for example if there was something you can see from what iv said that shows that maybe she does want to be together but not right now and maybe theres advice on how to act so when she does come around im glowing. if you get my drift?

[wiser]

Be strong, be independent, be the kind of guy she would want to be with. Don't contact her, let her come to you. If she wants to go out, then maybe go. Again, it may not do you any good at all, but that's your best shot if you are trying to grasp onto some course of action.

[Alonzo Heinz]

my thoughts right now are i still want to be with her even if thats just a friend right now and if i act independent, and like everything i was at the beginning of the relationship she might fall in love again. i dont know what im really talking about so please am i making sense or is this a dumb plan? and even if i want to be friends with her should i still not contact her?

[wiser]

It's not dumb, it's just a real long shot, and you are probably going to cause yourself more pain. You can't be her friend because it keeps you close to her and hopefully she will change her mind and fall in love with you again. She will know what you're feeling, you won't be able to hide it, even if you could it would take superhuman effort and you would be miserable trying.

 

You should not contact her if your ultimate goal is to try and win her back regardless of whether or not thats even a possibility at this point. Let her come to you, even if as a friend, because you are still hoping for a miracle change of heart at this point.

[Alonzo Heinz]

my ultimate goal is to get back together but right now she just wants to be good friends. you said

You should not contact her if your ultimate goal is to try and win her back...Let her come to you, even if as a friend

which it is, i should not talk to her and let her initiate stuff. if she does start talking to me and wants to do stuff as friends which is happening should i deny them or accept. im confused because it seems like your advice is both ignore and talk at the same time. i hope im clear. thanks

[wiser]

My advice is to let her initiate contact. Let her come to you. If she suggests getting together, and you think you can handle it, as friends, then go ahead and spend time with her.

 

But my feeling is that you cannot see her as just a friend, you will be hoping for more, and you will be setting yourself up for a world of pain.

 

I cant read your mind or predict how you will act when you are with her. Only you can do that.

[Alonzo Heinz]

thanks wiser; can anybody else comment on my situation at all?

[Alonzo Heinz]

if you didnt read we were still together but going downhill very fast. so tonight she called me and we officially broke up but she was constantly saying that she didnt want this to hurt me or make me upset because she still wanted to be good friends. can anybody tell me what this means, like is it a positive negative, ect. it sounds to me like she still has feelings, and doesnt that mean theres a possibility things could return to how they were? thanks

[Zorba]

I'm saying it's out of your hands right now. You can't make her want to be with you if she doesn't want to be. The harder you try the further away she will go. The point is that you shouldn't wait around for her. Doing so will make you look weak and unattractive.

 

B/c you are in school I assume you are young and have some wonderful college years ahead of you. Go out, have fun and move on. If she comes back around that will be icing on the cake!!

Best advice really. Basically she's lost attraction for you. Now she had it at first so it's possible to get it back, but difficult, especially as your relationship was so short. If it got unsexy for her this quick it doesn't look to good.

 

As bildit says anything you do other than walking away will lower her attraction even more. Being her "friend" will basically castrate you in her eyes, plus she won't take the risk of losing the "friendship" with sexual stuff. Strange thing about some women, they will often prefer to be sexually attracted to men that aren't their friend, although they may convince themselves different.

 

Enjoy your life, get out more and all that and as pointed out her return would be a nice little bonus, but not the whole of your life.

[Zorba]

if you didnt read we were still together but going downhill very fast. so tonight she called me and we officially broke up but she was constantly saying that she didnt want this to hurt me or make me upset because she still wanted to be good friends. can anybody tell me what this means, like is it a positive negative, ect. it sounds to me like she still has feelings, and doesnt that mean theres a possibility things could return to how they were? thanks

Welcome to her "Having her cake and eat it" town. Population; you. Yes she has feelings for you and doesn't want to hurt you, but she doesn't have the feelings you want or have for her. Basically her feelings for you stop at the bedroom door. If you want any chance of getting those feelings back, do not be her friend. Sounds counterproductive and even cruel to you as you're in love with her, but that's the only hope you have, such as it is. Not being her friend will also help you move on quicker.

 

Tell her this by simply saying; "I do love/like you a lot, but I can't be your friend at the moment. it wouldn't be fair on both of us as feelings may come up from both sides that would get in the way of any meaningful friendship. I wish you the best your life can bring you and I wouldn't change a thing about us and our good times, only that they ended" Leave it at that and then walk away.

[Alonzo Heinz]

Thanks Zorba so let me get this straight you suggest i should leave her alone and not be "friends" but still be there because she told me over and over again she still wants to go out to movies, concerts, hang out but just as friends. I want to still do stuff with her and not show her I dont want anything to do with her, but at the same time i want her back as my girl not as a "friend". Another thing is that you've communicated to me that i should not initiate contact with her in anyway but iv already told her i will come to her new years party and we had scheduled a college visit together. I loved being with her even when we were friends before our relationship and I dont want her to be driven away by anything i do. I also want to remind her of why she fell in love with me in the first place(IF you see that could help me). I hope im making sense because quite frankly im lost in decisions, and i have no idea what will help or diminish any chance i have of getting her back. Thanks A Lot!!

[Zorba]

Looking at those details......If you can actually be her friend, then fine. You have to keep some distance though. For your own self respect and hers. Don't be too huggy and kissy. You are not a substitute boyfriend without the benefits of same. Keep the friendship, but keep it as a friendship, not an emotional substitute for a real loving man woman relationship.

 

Most of all give it time.

[Alonzo Heinz]

I was thinking that but i also read in one of your posts that if i stay in the picture that if she gets a rebounder my chances of getting back together are significantly lowered. ntm i also read on ENO that "humans are attracted to what they can't have" and if i show her im ok as just "friends" then i can't get her back. my ultimate goal is to get her back, as you can see im confused. thanks

[Zorba]

That's OK, but every situation is unique and for a start, there isn't a rebound. She didn't leave you for another man. She's still interested in engaging with you on a personal level. Just keep your boundaries and respect hers. Don't be too quick to respond to her, let her make most of the running. Not to punish her or as a game, just because she was the one who left you, so she has to make the moves even as a friend.

 

Again just see how it goes.