BronzedSkin123 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 My sister and got into an argument about something today, and when she left into the kitchen I overheard my father loud and clearly saying "I'd never wish for another daughter like her. If I had two daughters, I would NEVER want one like her again. she wouldn't be one of them" Those were his words. When I heard this I immediately became hurt and starting crying. All kinds of thoughts start running through my head including suicide. I don't know what I did so badly for my own father to feel this way about me. During the past few years he has been distant and cold towards me, sometimes going weeks without speaking to me. Then there are times where he'll talk to me and everything will be fine, then suddenly out of nowhere he'll start to withdraw himself and it's like we're strangers. People always talk about how girl's who grow up without father's often feel unloved and abused but I grew up with one all my life and I feel just as emotionally corrupted as those who never knew their father. I have talked to my mother about this and it never helps. She always ends up siding with him and saying the reason why he acts that way towards me is because I don't keep the inside of my car clean enough, or I don't help out enough around the house, or I don't vacuum the carpet enough. Telling her just worsens the situation and makes me feel even more isolated.
love4life Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 bronzedskin, My father could be emotionally abusive at times to me, too, though not quite to the extent yours is. He passed away nearly 3 years ago and it's only been in the last couple months that I've realized that his treatment of me was him projecting his own inadequacies on to me (I learned this because my ex is similar). The truth is, he probably envies who you are and sees confident, happy, good qualities in you that he can't find inside of him. And it angers him and he thereforeeee takes it out on you. Underneath all those insecurities, I'm sure he has love for you; he just doesn't know how to show it.
BronzedSkin123 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I feel like a failure. Nothing I do is ever good enough. He always browbeats me about everything that I have never accomplished in my life. Right now, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want a relationship, I don't want any friends I just feel like going into total isolation.
BronzedSkin123 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 I wish I had someone with me right now who loved me. I feel so low I don't even want to do anything with my life. I just want to abandon everything and get away..
Daligal83 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Hun, I am so sorry about this. I know this isn't easy to do, but remind yourself that this is not about you. This is about him. Your father making a statement like that reflects who he is, NOT who you are. Not cleaning out your car or helping out around the house as much does NOT make you a bad person. He's just like a bully at school, trying to make himself feel better by putting you down. How old are you?
Daligal83 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Have you thought of seeing a therapist to help deal with your situation? It's easier for you to learn how to deal with him and his behavior than to try to get him to change. There's no reason that you should feel miserable around your own family. I would also suggest moving out of your home if you still live there. Do you have any close friends that you can call up and talk to?
BronzedSkin123 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 No, I don't have anyone to talk to right now. I've been trying to get on section 8, that is my only way out of here. But there is such a long waiting list
wiser Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 People can say really mean things when they are angry. Things that they don't necessarily believe. I'm sure he loves you and he was talking out of anger and not saying how he really feels.
TheSmilingTurnip Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I wish I had someone with me right now who loved me. I feel so low I don't even want to do anything with my life. I just want to abandon everything and get away.. Hi there - This is definitely not about you. It's allll about him and making himself feel superior to someone else for whatever reason. If you can't figure out why he started acting this way, if you're at a loss for an explanation, then trust yourself and know that there isn't one other than whatever one that he's created in his head. As a parent, I can tell you I'd never say anything like that to my daughter or another of my children. It is just highly inappropriate and is something that should *never* come out of a parent's mouth, no matter what. The only way I can ever think that someone would say something like that is if they were the mental age of a teenager or had their own mental problems. Any sane parent just wouldn't ever say that!!! Now, please remember, you ARE loved. He's your father, yes, but he is only ONE person in this world, and there are over six billion others. It would be nice if he would stop being a jerk, but since that's about him, you can't do anything about it. Your behaving better or differently or cleaning your car interior or whatever wouldn't change it. He'd just find something else to complain about. Does your father drink? Is there alcoholism or drugs in your family?
BronzedSkin123 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 People can say really mean things when they are angry. Things that they don't necessarily believe. I'm sure he loves you and he was talking out of anger and not saying how he really feels. but the argument was between my sister and i. he just came out and said that when the situation had nothing to do with him. iI know he has been wanting to say that for awhile. i truly thinks he hates me and wishes he had another daughter besides me. i just didn't meet up to his expectations in life. whatever they may be.
wiser Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 but the argument was between my sister and i. he just came out and said that when the situation had nothing to do with him. i truly thinks he hates me and wishes he had another daughter besides me. i just didn't meet up to his expectations in life. whatever they may be. He must have been upset with you about "something" in order for him to say that. Its just not something a guy would say unless anger was driving it. Any chance it was related to what you and your sister were arguing about? Could you have been in the wrong? Not that it justifies what he said..just wondering.
Daligal83 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Have you ever had a talk with your dad? During a time when he seems more friendly, sit him down and say that you've noticed lately that he seems withdrawn from you and that you feel that he doesn't even like you at times. Let him know that you feel hurt by this and were wondering if you can talk about it and try to improve your relationship. Make it about how you feel, and not what he's done. Otherwise he'll feel attacked.
TheSmilingTurnip Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 He must have been upset with you about "something" in order for him to say that. Its just not something a guy would say unless anger was driving it. Any chance it was related to what you and your sister were arguing about? Could you have been in the wrong? Not that it justifies what he said..just wondering. Maybe he was upset, but he is an adult and it's up to him to rein in his words. It doesn't matter if she was in the wrong or not. You just do not say that to your child, period. There's NO excuse. He should've bitten his tongue as he is very well capable of doing.
JadedStar Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I dealt with this a lot when i was younger. I finally came to the realization that sometimes we are smarter than our parents. Someday hopefully you will realize that too. I doubt he meant it. Parents are people and don't always know how to express themselves or deal with anger.
TheSmilingTurnip Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 but the argument was between my sister and i. he just came out and said that when the situation had nothing to do with him. iI know he has been wanting to say that for awhile. i truly thinks he hates me and wishes he had another daughter besides me. i just didn't meet up to his expectations in life. whatever they may be. Hi -- we cannot live our lives trying to meet the expectations of others. It's your life and you're responsible for it. If you can't meet someone's expectations, that's their problem, not yours. It is up to a parent to accept their children as people in their own right, not extensions of themselves. His thoughts are none of your business. There is a reason we cannot read each other's thoughts. Don't try to figure out what he was thinking; you don't truly know what was going on in his mind. Just remember, it is not about you. Even if he does hate you, which I doubt, that is not about you. It's him deciding to feel a certain way for his own reasons.
JadedStar Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Maybe he was upset, but he is an adult and it's up to him to rein in his words. It doesn't matter if she was in the wrong or not. You just do not say that to your child, period. There's NO excuse. He should've bitten his tongue as he is very well capable of doing. Welcome to the real world. Parents make a lot of mistakes. I know mine did. Parents all over shouldn't do a lot of things that they do. It was a horrible thing for him to say but he probably has no clue how to express himself when he is angry. NOt condoning it, just saying sometimes we are smarter than our parents. And all we can hope for is our kids will be smarter than us and that it continues in that pattern.
wiser Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Parents are people and don't always know how to express themselves or deal with anger. As a father who has made mistakes, I can personally attest to that one.
BronzedSkin123 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Have you ever had a talk with your dad? During a time when he seems more friendly, sit him down and say that you've noticed lately that he seems withdrawn from you and that you feel that he doesn't even like you at times. Let him know that you feel hurt by this and were wondering if you can talk about it and try to improve your relationship. Make it about how you feel, and not what he's done. Otherwise he'll feel attacked. Yeah, I've talked to him about this with my mom. It doesn't seem to do any good. Just goes back to his old ways. I just know that if anything ever happens to him or get sick, he won't get any lick of support or empathy from me at all. I think that if I died he'd probably be more relieved than sad because I wouldn't be a burden to him anymore.
TheSmilingTurnip Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Welcome to the real world. Parents make a lot of mistakes. I know mine did. Parents all over shouldn't do a lot of things that they do. It was a horrible thing for him to say but he probably has no clue how to express himself when he is angry. NOt condoning it, just saying sometimes we are smarter than our parents. And all we can hope for is our kids will be smarter than us and that it continues in that pattern. It would be far more forgivable if he hadn't established a pattern of emotionally abusing his daughter. A one time mistake is one thing. I've made them myself. A systematic breaking down of a person who also happens to be your child and thus extremely vulnerable to what comes out of your mouth is another.
JadedStar Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 As a father who has made mistakes, I can personally attest to that one. I think we all made a lot of mistakes....I learned a long time ago that parents are actually real people. LOL
wiser Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I think we all made a lot of mistakes....I learned a long time ago that parents are actually real people. LOL I wish my kids would realize that.
tmp0620 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Wow This might be bad advice, but if I heard my Dad say that about me I'd confront him about it...
avman Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I'm sure what your father said hurt you very much. Unfortunately there are some parents out there that aren't very good about expressing themselves. And they say and do things that really hurt their children. I actually agree with IronLion and would encourage you to confront your father with this. Go up to him and say "Dad, I overheard what you said and it really hurt me". Although it would seem obvious, some people really do not understand the impact that their words and actions have upon others.
JadedStar Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I agree with ironlion too about confronting him....I think he absolutely needs to know you heard and how it made you feel. Be prepared for the chance he still may not have the capacity to understand tho...hopefully he will.
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