He wants me to delete myspace

[nikkers04]

So my bf and i are 9 years apart and he doesn't exactly get the technoloy age these days. He has my passwords to everything and also goes through my phone. He can see that I am not doing anythign wrong but constanly wants to accuse me of things that are not true just becuase one of MY FRIENDS sends me an email or text message. They are normally hey whats up how have you been etc. nothing bad.

 

I have stopped going out with my friends most of them are male because he doesn't like it. I've stopped going dancing I've even stopped going out on GIRLS Nights because he gets upset about it.

 

I invite him to come along so that I can go have a good time with them and he will either A start a fight with me or if he does come he just sits there and ruins the fun for everyone.

 

Today he started screaming at me for myspace lol. So i'm asking...if I keep giving into him am I going to end up with bars on my windows and locked in my room or do you guys think he has a valid argument?

[RelaxByWater84]

From your description he is obsessed with keeping you under his control. I would break-up with him and change your passwords. I don't think you want to be dealing with this the rest of your life if you marry him.

[dqueen]

Good grief, woman. He is one controlling and abusive monster! Run for your life. And fast.

[shikashika]

he is controlling you.. don't let this happen

 

if he makes you delete your myspace account, what will he do next?

 

i would NEVER put up with that kind of behaviour! how have you lasted this long?

[barbielovesmac]

9 years? How old are you two?

 

This guy is controlling you and you've let him. You've given up YOU in the relationship.

 

He has no given right to need to know your passwords and look through your phone. That's an invasion of privacy.

 

He sounds more like a father to me.

[nikkers04]

well most of his arguments make sense when he explains them to me. I use to go dancing alot...like club dancing and he says he is ready to settle down and doens't want to settle down with someone who is out having fun with other guys ... understandable so when I go out I dont go to dance club I go to a resturant with my coworkers every wednesday and go home after they close instead of going clubbing like normal afterwards...

[jengh]

well most of his arguments make sense when he explains them to me. I use to go dancing alot...like club dancing and he says he is ready to settle down and doens't want to settle down with someone who is out having fun with other guys ... understandable so when I go out I dont go to dance club I go to a resturant with my coworkers every wednesday and go home after they close instead of going clubbing like normal afterwards...

 

Well, then that just means you're at 2 different stages of your lives. You're still young and if you give up everything you love doing, everything a 22yr old SHOULD be doing, you'll end up resenting him for it down the road.

My advice to you is end this relationship. He seems to be controlling in everyway. It's not fair to you.

[Hearts]

I don't think settling down with such guy is a good idea, everybody needs a lil bit privacy and spending time with friends that's pretty normal and if he just can't bring himself into trusting you when you are just spending time with your friends, maybe it is also no good idea for him to settle down with you, otherwise he will just keep taking extreme solutions like knowing all of your passwords for everything then limiting your contact with your friends, and maybe even the times you go out and who knows where this crazyness goes he may even want to control other stuff other than your social life, like bank accounts and well I dunno, he is just way too obsessed and controling for anyone.

[CarnelianButterfly]

This guy is BAD NEWS!!! He's got you under his thumb, do you really want to be there?

 

Please get rid of him, you are not a child to be yelled at and controlled.

[eric_]

wow. that sounds so messed up. why on earth does he have all your passwords? do you have all his passwords? there should definitely be some level of privacy in a relationship. he should trust you.

 

the 9 years age difference definitely might make things a bit more complicated. but he also has to make a compromise. just because he feels like settling down and not go clubbing anymore, it doesn't mean that he has to do everything your way. he should come along with you sometime and then you can also do whatever he likes to do sometimes.

 

you really gotta watch out that you don't give up yourself here. he can't have everything his way. he has to compromise.

 

aside from that, he really sounds like a control freak. have you ever done anything that makes it reasonable for him to trust you anymore? if not, things lie checking your phone are absolutely out of control. those are issues he has to work on himself.

[RayKay]

He is controlling.

 

I respect that he would not want you grinding with other men, and I think that is of course a fair compromise (I certainly would not feel that was controlling and would never do that to my partner in a relationship) however I think it crosses the line where he forbids you from even going at all as he does not trust you.

 

Sorry, he may be older but he sounds tremendously immature if he just pouts and picks fights if he DOES go out with you, and he is very controlling if he gets angry for innocent emails from friends (and needs to even see all your emails/texts...um, why?).

 

Sounds like he is also pretty good at convincing you he is "right" - I think you are allowing yourself to be manipulated if you think this kind of controlling behaviour is justified.

[nikkers04]

why on earth does he have all your passwords? do you have all his passwords? there should definitely be some level of privacy in a relationship. he should trust you.

aside from that, he really sounds like a control freak. have you ever done anything that makes it reasonable for him to trust you anymore? if not, things lie checking your phone are absolutely out of control. those are issues he has to work on himself.

 

I gave him the passwords so he could see i'm not doing anything wrong I dont care that he reads my messages not a problem for me and yes i have the passwords to his email and such. I haven't done anything to break the trust I just think he has issues and he doesn't WANT to trust me. He broke up with me his excuse was because he was scared and since we got back together its been hot/cold hot/cold its like when we get along things are great but when we are fighting its the end of the world.

[Bunney]

Hey, leave him. He's 31 and still acting like an immature controlling jerk. Please don't let him manipulate you and don't let him treat you like this -- STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Now!

[nikkers04]

Raykay I dont think its justified he has valid points but he overall behaviour and reaction is not acceptable. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy and everyone else thought the same.

[programmer]

Hm, many females supporting each other here

 

I was together with my ex for over 4 years. I knew her password, she knew mine. When she wanted to break up with me, I checked her phone conversation details, and found out that she texted a guy like 10 times a day in one month. I did that because she was lying to me how often she did text him. She was furious that I snooped at her. She broke up, we got together after some days, then she broke up again after a month.

 

Btw, she had eating disorder that she didn't tell me for some months before this happened.

 

I loved her to death. Asked her for giving me a second chance, but it didn't help.

[nikkers04]

i really dont care that he wants to check my things to make sure I'm doing nothing wrong...because i did it with an ex I found out he was cheating because of a few texts I found on his phone. So I have no problem with the new guy wanting to go thru my things as long as I have the same cortesy.

[programmer]

I don't you should listen to these women to break up with him. At least you'll have to give him a fair chance and tell him about it seriously. Don't do as my ex, suddenly tell me she doesn't love me anymore and brutally dump me.

 

There were no signs in advance! Made me really didn't want to live anymore. We were first lovers.

[RayKay]

programmer,

 

Your ex may have lied, but that does not mean that the OP should remain in a very controlling situation.

 

Women are supporting her here probably because many of us have been there and can relate to how badly it turns out. Someone like this has a VERY high potential of becoming abusive.

 

The guy is 31 years old, this is not a problem of him not knowing better, it is a problem of him looking to exert control on someone else. It is NOT healthy and she should not be forced to change whom she is because he is very jealous and insecure without any reason.

 

I would not be in a relationship where we could not trust one another and felt the compulsion to go through one anothers phones and emails either. I have never felt the desire, need or compulsion to go through any of my partner's accounts or phone messages - nor he mine. If you do, I suggest that is in itself either a sign of insecurity you need to work on without violating the others space, or a sign there IS something amiss at which you also need to decide whether it is time to walk away.

[JadedStar]

I can understand his point about not wanting to settle down with a person who goes clubbing and dances with other guys - clubs can be very sexual charged environments. I could udnerstand his hesitation with myspace if there are a lot of guys flirting with you there.

 

However, just because I udnerstand that doesn't mean i think he has the right to choose what you decide to do. He has crossed the line from expressing concerns (which MIGHT be legitimate) to telling you what you can and can't do. That is not cool.

 

If he does not like the things that you like to do he should have found a woman more like him long ago. Instead, he decided to stay with you and mold you into exactly what he wants and sad to say you allowed him to do it for nine years.

 

I think he is very much a controlling man and I think if you are not prepared to leave him then you should be prepared for a lot more of this....

[JadedStar]

I don't you should listen to these women to break up with him. At least you'll have to give him a fair chance and tell him about it seriously. Don't do as my ex, suddenly tell me she doesn't love me anymore and brutally dump me.

 

There were no signs in advance! Made me really didn't want to live anymore. We were first lovers.

 

I would give the same advice to a guy with a girlfriend doing the same thing.

 

I think that you are allowing your personal experience to cloud the rationality of the advice you are giving her to be honest. She isn't your ex. She isn't having lude phone conversations behind your back. As a matter of fact it sounds like she has been the epitomy of open and honest with him and that is never going to be "good enough".

 

If you don't mind someone controlling you like this that is great. But that is not healthy and to say that we women are giving bad advice is bad advice in itself.

[programmer]

Perhaps he has a reason for it. It all depends on the individual. I was insecure and jealous because she was the type of person that had difficult saying "NO" to people. She goes with flow very easily, so many guys can take advantage of her without she knowing that. I had seen it on several occasions, so I had my own reasons for it. She wanted everybody to like her, that's why she didn't have her own opinion with other people.

 

Perhaps this guy had his own reasons. The key is communication. Find out the reasons for why he is like that.

[JadedStar]

I agree communication is always key but some people who are just really jealous for no reason cannot be reasoned wtih.

 

We can only take the posters at their word and she seemed to say she is very open and goes OUT OF HER WAY to ease his mind.

 

And just because you were insecure and jealous that really was no reason for her to have to suffer with it and be on the defense because you were thinking things were happening that maybe weren't. I hate to say this but if you really were very insecure and jealous you could have unknowingly led her away from the relationship. It is not enough to say "i am insecure and jealous" and expect another person to just deal with it.

 

It really doesn't matter what his reasons are, to have that kind of control over someone's life is not cool. If someone DOES feel they have to have that kind of control they are WITH THE WRONG PERSON or there is no right person because they get out of sorts over things that do not really exist. ONe or the other.

[RayKay]

Agreed.

 

Your girlfriend was your girlfriend, not the OP. If you had that much mistrust in her you had the choice to leave and realize that she was whom she was too.

 

Your own jealousy does not excuse the OP's boyfriends behaviour given the OP has not seemingly done anything to cause this mistrust in the first place.

 

When someone tries to control another, the opposite tends to happen - they tend to find ways to get away from that pressuring feeling and stop trusting and confiding in that person.

[programmer]

Of course I realize what I shouldn't have done after what happened. Learning the hardest way. I have been in NC over 40 days now, and am starting to getting used to not being with her. But still love her. But I must move on, otherwise it will hurt again.

 

My point is, give him a very clear message and a proper chance, before you blow the relationship out of the window. That only seems fair and appropriate to me.

 

I know that women and men don't think alike, that's why some of you will never understand me, that, I have learned now.

[Broken_Doll_ParTs]

Woa! This aint healthy! Get out of the relationship! He is controlling and wants you under his thumb all the time. I say give him the flick!!