Impending Divorce

[TheTourist]

I suppose background information first would be appropriate as our situation is a little different from an everyday relationship. I met my wife online when I was 17 and she was 19. We talked online for about a year when we decided that after I finished high school I would move from Canada to the United States to be with her. Not long after I had moved we got married and will have been together (offline.) 4 years this January.

 

Moving was a very difficult process, or should I say immigration was a difficult process. For the first year of our marriage my wife didn't make enough financially to be my sponser to become a legal citizen. Around the middle of the second year she found a new job and made enough money, but we were quite confused on the whole process. We attempted to do it ourselves, only to find it was all too much. My parents and grandparents helped by sending some money for us to hire an immigration lawyer. Moving with no prior knowledge of the immigration process was obviously a pretty stupid move on both our parts, but what's done is done.

 

During these first few years everything in our marriage was wonderful. Sure, our roles were reversed. She was the sole bread winner and I was the one who stayed at home, cleaned, took care of anything I could while I waited for all of my immigration paperwork to clear with the government. However we really never had any confrontations during this time, I was very pleased with how well things were going considering the circumstances. We were both very much in love with each other, we had a lot of fun, my immigration process was going smoothly, everything I had hoped for was coming to fruition.

 

The next year started to get a little stagnant. I was still unable to work, my wife hated her job, we were living paycheck to paycheck, constantly having to get payday loans, sometimes going without food for a few days until the next paycheck came, we never turned on the heat in the winter, the list goes on. Things were obviously getting pretty bad and I tried to do the only thing I could do, be an emotional support for her. I was still unable work legally, I didn't know what else I could do to help the situation we were in except to have patience and support my wife. Everything would work itself out, I would soon be able to work and support my wife as a husband should. I knew our relationship was suffering, but I didn't think it was that bad.

 

On to the present, where things get both very confusing and frustrating. I'll try to explain this mess as best I can, so bear with me. When I was finally legal to work in the United States we were still living in the apartment we had been at since I moved here with her. This raised a bit of a problem as I was not on the lease and my wife felt that I had lived there long enough that if she tried to put me on the lease the apartment management would know that I had been living here for nearly 4 years and would evict us. She also felt that if I were to be constantly going to and from work management would take notice and evict us. The next logical step to her was that we should look for a new apartment. She began to look for a new apartment and found one that looked great just down the street. We called to make an appointment to go and look at a room, but the management was never there. We called, and called, and called. Nothing. We decided we would walk down as it was only 5 or so minutes away, and again management was never there. We went multiple times, waiting a good 30-45 minutes and had no luck. This ended the search for my wife and she gave up looking for a new apartment entirely. She did find a new job at a medical research facility, though. It paid much more, had great benefits, and she actually enjoys doing it. This was roughly 5-6 months ago.

 

Things started to look up, but nothing really happened with our relationship. She didn't want to look for a new apartment, she still was uncomfortable with me leaving the apartment to look for a job, she went from never drinking to drinking nearly every weekend and the odd weekday, she would be out with friends for hours, and here I was at home all day everyday. This went on for a another few months.

 

I finally suggested that I look for a night shift job and she agreed, in fact one of the women she worked with had a night shift job and I asked if she could inquire about it. I also searched the internet, but we're not in a very big town and I was having no luck. I kept asking my wife to talk to this lady she worked with as I could not find any work, but she never did. My wife also started to exhibit a lot of mental problems at this point in time. She had always had little quirks in her daily routines, but they were becoming much more prevalent and were taking a much bigger toll on her. She did finally agree to see a doctor, but all they could do was take a blood sample, told her to cut back on the drinking, and recommend a therapist. She made an appointment for the 28th of December with the therapist, but I have my doubts that she will actually go. This was rougly 2 weeks ago.

 

Since then she has been drinking very heavily. Every weekend and nearly every weekday she either goes out to drink or brings alcohol home. I drink on rare occasions, my father was an alcoholic and after having drug abuse problems in my early teenage years it's something I try to avoid. She also started to really lose it both mentally and emotionally and I began bringing up the topic of divorce. I didn't know what else to do. I had been stuck inside for nearly 4 years, she had given up trying to make anything work, we rarely talked, things are incredibly bad. I also suggested marriage counseling a few times, but she refused. I suggested taking a break for a month or two instead of a divorce, as I was not ready to end our entire relationship and she seemed ok with this idea.

 

A few nights ago she came home from drinking with her friends and told me this whole year had been incredibly bad and that she had detached herself emotionally from our marriage after I started talking about divorce. She felt she had given me ample time to find a job, she did not want to be burdend by our relationship anymore, she was tired of dealing with everything, she felt our relationship was the cause of everything wrong with her life. She was tired of putting everyones needs infront of her own and that we were to get a divorce.

 

I was planning to leave on the 8th, but before I booked my plane ticket back to Canada I asked if this was what she really wanted. She said no, that she was not ready for me to leave yet. I was honestly not ready to throw in the towel, I wanted to help both her and our relationship by any means necessary, but when she came home from work that night she explained that the only reason she did not want me to leave was because I was sad. Of course I'm sad! This sucks, who wouldn't be sad? So then I made plans to leave next Saturday and was going to book my ticket this morning, but again she said she did not want me to leave yet. For the first time in a long time she wanted affection from me. I went over to the bed and gave her a hug and she said I should stay until Christmas. She snuggled into my chest and fell asleep. I've been trying to reconcile things over the past few days and I thought I was maybe making a little bit of progress. When she woke up a few hours later to get ready for work, I forget the exact conversation we were having, but she said something along the lines of, "we're possibly splitting up." I smiled for a second and asked possibly? She quickly retracted that it was a possibility and then left for work.

 

In all honesty I don't know what I want to get out of this post. I generally know what's going to be said, but I have no one to talk to about this. All of my past friendships have been severed after picking up at 18 and leaving home. My father has never been there for me, my mother still acts like she's 16 and has one failed relationship after another, my wife is giving me all sorts of different signals, I just...I don't know. Maybe this just just venting, maybe someone has something to say about my situation I can't see right now. I'm just very confused and depressed right now. I don't want to stay here, but at the same time I do. I want to give my wife everything she deserves, I want to make sure she will be ok mentally, I'm still very much in love even after all of this. Do I make the effort until Christmas in hopes of changing her mind? Do I even bother staying until Christmas? Do I just sit here for another two weeks until she wants me to leave? This was not something I expected to be dealing with at the age of 22, infact I'm petrified that this is happening in my life right now.

 

Thanks for your time.

[melrich]

I don't want to stay here, but at the same time I do.

 

You have to make a decision for you. That's the first thing you need to do before anything else. Stay or go.

 

Once you have made that decision, chase it with all you energy.

 

If it is to stay, then Iwould definitely recommend you both get some relationship counselling. It feels to me like, after the distractions of everything you had going on in the first couple of years, reality has hit home. You need to rediscover what got you together in the first place and you may need help with that.

[Ball Four]

That's an amazing story.

 

I don't really know what to say except that you should probably get a day job. Screw the landlord. Remember they want to cash checks not kick people out. See what happens. It seems to me that throughout this whole citizenship process the relationship turned to more of a caretaker type deal. Show more independence and it might change things up. Show her you have some kind of plan about what you want to do with your life. Do you have career or education goals?

[TheTourist]

I don't really know what to say except that you should probably get a day job. Screw the landlord. Remember they want to cash checks not kick people out. See what happens. It seems to me that throughout this whole citizenship process the relationship turned to more of a caretaker type deal. Show more independence and it might change things up. Show her you have some kind of plan about what you want to do with your life. Do you have career or education goals?

I've thought about simply going down to a few warehouses around where we live and trying to get hired ASAP without my wifes knowledge, but then yet another problem comes up. My work authorization card is about to expire in January and requires both time and money to renew. I doubt anyone will now hire me with a soon to expire card. It can be renewed through simply printing out a form and sending that along with the fee to the governement and I have asked my wife to take me to the library to print this form, but she refuses. Since I have no residence in my name I also can't use the library, as stupid as it might sound there's no way I can get this form on my own. I have no one to goto, we have no printer, the library was the only option.

 

I wrote her a 7 page letter yesterday giving her everything she wanted. I would renew my work card, I would get a job, I would go back to Canada for a few months when the last of my Naturalization paperwork cleared. Find some training in construction through a friend of my mothers and come back with the experience to find a better job and give her a better life. Again, she simply refused all of this.

 

I again talked to her about this whole situation a few minutes ago and I'm even more concerned now. She said she wants to self-destruct without having anyone to be accountable for. However she did agree to me staying until she had some therapy and that she will be going to her appointment. I don't know if this will make any difference at this point, but it isn't going to hurt.

 

Edit.

We talked things through last night and have decided to simply take a break for both of us to get our lives in order. When both of our lives are under control we'll see where our marriage stands and if either of us wants to continue with it.

 

So, not a divorce just yet, but some much need time and growing up for both of us. Feeling much better about the situation now and I know she is too.