Trying to not let my ex minipulate me as a friend!

[EmilyE]

So long story short, my my ex and i were together for 2.5 yrs, and before that we were best friends for 5 years. So, she broke up with me less than 2 months ago and it absolutely devistated me. She was not "in love" anymore, and coincidentally got w/ someone new only 2 weeks later. I felt like I lost my one true love and my best friend.

 

but, I have been working really hard on healing, and I now realize that I wouldnt want her back. Yes, I still love her and I think about her all the time, but i know that a relationship between us would never work.

 

So, I am trying hard to be her friend but i have come accross some obstacles. First of all, she is always checking up on me making sure I am ok, which is fine, but she is almost getting offended by the fact that i am getting new friends, having fun, etc. She has an indirect way of making me feel bad. I ask her when we will get back to being best friends again, and she said "i dont know because you are a better person now, have new friends, etc."....trying to turn it around on me like i a moving on without her.

 

In reality, I am only moving on because I had no choice! She was the one who moved on before me w/ a new GF after only 2 weeks post-break up!

 

So anyway, i have decided to go out of my norm and randomly go to Disneyland for the weekend w/ a friend and his family. I know that she is NOT going to like this, and it bothers me a lot, but I'm not going to let her "guilt" control me anymore.

 

Instead of being super excited about this trip, i am so worried and nervous about telling her, bcuz i know it is eventually going to come up. My question is, do you think i should just wait until she asks "what im doing this weekend" or whatever, or should i just tell her to get it out of the way, and so it doesnt seem like i am hiding it?

 

I hate that we used to share EVERYTHING together and never hid anything from eachonther, and now we are like playing this petty game of not being open to "protect" eachother. I just want an open friendship where we are happy for eachother. I am pretty much at the point where I am happy for her if she is happy, but i really feel like she doesnt like that i am happy. it sucks.

 

Any advice?

[dontwantthis]

To be blunt, you dont owe her anything. You dont owe her an explanation of disneyland. Dont feel you are hiding anything cuz your not. You do not owe her a play by play of your new life. If you tell her, you tell her, if you dont, so be it. Who cares if she gets mad. It is not your problem. Easier said then done, I know, but just keep remembering that you no longer have any type of obligations to her anymore.

Go to disneyland and ENJOY YOURSELF!!! (go on a ride or two for me....Ive never been there before!)

[keenan]

She has an indirect way of making me feel bad. I ask her when we will get back to being best friends again, and she said "i dont know because you are a better person now, have new friends, etc."....trying to turn it around on me like i a moving on without her.

 

I know that she is NOT going to like this, and it bothers me a lot, but I'm not going to let her "guilt" control me anymore.

 

i really feel like she doesnt like that i am happy. it sucks.

 

Any advice?

 

Hi Emily,

 

First of all, the only person who can make you feel guilty is you. If you don't buy into her ideas of what you should or shouldn't be doing, her opinions of your behavior are completely her own, and thus irrelevant. The fact that you are stressing out about when & how to tell her that you're taking a vacation says that you're placing way too much stock in her opinion. Frankly, you probably care more about what she thinks than she actually cares about what you do.

 

Secondly, I honestly have a feeling that you're being naive to pin your hopes on a good friendship with your ex. It happens, but it's very rare, and from what I see it's usually a situation in which the dumpee (you) is scrambling to find any excuse to hold onto the dumper (your ex), even if it means putting up with confusing behavior that makes you feel bad about yourself. Ending relationships is complex and painful work. You'll persuade yourself that you don't want her back as a girlfriend and that you are strong enough to have a friendship with her, but in reality the odds are good that you're looking for any possible way of lessening the complete 'about-face' turn that your life has just taken. Case in point? Friends don't stress out about telling their friends that they're going away for a few days. Take your vacation, tell her that you're going if and when it comes up naturally, and let it go at that--just like you would with any other friendship.

 

For the next few weeks I'd try to give yourself another mini-vacation: a vacation from thinking about your ex!

 

I'm sorry for your breakup.

[colors]

I tried regaining an open close friendship with my ex. After 2 years I've discovered you just can't. Because there are still lingering feelings.

When the feelings are both completely gone i think it may be possible, but as long as she has some & you have some.....you're going to be 'playing games' to protect eachother, and intentially or unintentially guilting eachother...ect. Also if you feel someone is manipulating you, i don't think they would make a good friend.

my advice would be to try to distance yourself and work on yourselves for now...than come back & see how eachother are doing. And to see if there are still feelings that will stand in the way of the friendship or not.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi Emily,

 

In answer to the last part of your post, I'd just mention it if it were in the normal course of your convos... I wouldn't send a separate message saying ths... but, it would probably be included in your normal daily convos so I'd mention it of course.

 

I agree with much of the above by Don'twantthis and Keenan and Colors.^

 

I wouldn't tip-toe around.

 

Also, I think it will be hard for you to successfully make the transition back to just friends, without it slipping into just enemies maybe.

 

Maybe a dose of LC/NC would be good for a controlling ex...

 

Good luck with this, and there is no reason to not go to Disneyland or slow down for this, getting out is good medicine for this, and if she is your friend, and has your interests at heart, she will let you heal.

 

Jeff