Need Advice For Our Talk Tonight

[circi]

It's a week ago today that my boyfriend/ex/whatever left to think. He has said he is not ready to talk yet and not completely positive what he wants. We have stayed in contact all week and today he sent a text asking if he had any mail. I replied with "No, but give me an address and I will have any that comes in sent to your new address". He called immediately to ask why I'd do that. I said BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE! If he wanted to be there, he'd BE THERE. I proceeded to let out my frustrations and said since he wasn't even willing to talk to me about everything, I was taking back my self respect and moving on with my life. This made him mad so I asked "What do you want me to do then?!" He said "nothing."

 

Long story short, tonight or possibly tomorrow depending on how late he has to work tonight, we are finally going to talk. I am TERRIFIED of this conversation. Helllllllp!

[twinkle72]

I had the exact same first talk last night after a week. Keep it light, let them do most of the talking and don't bring up the relationship.

Also, if you can end the conversation on a positive note that's good too. Then say smething like I would love to talk again soon, or whatever is comfortable. My boyfriend was the one to say he wants to talk again tonight...

Good Luck!!!

[circi]

The whole point of the talk is to talk about the relationship, so keeping it light isn't going to work.

I have ALOT to say. If he is willing to try and make this work, and I don't know that he is, there are many things that need to change. I'm going to have to find a way to tell him these things without placing blame and putting him on the defensive.

 

In a nutshell, this conversation is going to make or break the relationship once and for all. I don't WANT it to be over, so I have to tread verrrry carefully here.

[twinkle72]

exactly. I'm in the same predicament. I just know that when I do a lot of talking about the same things, it pushes him away. So because I want him back, I am letting it sort of unfold and I am trying to make the changes on my end. For us he is plain sick of me talking about change and wants to see action... but yeah I think it's good to talk about things too so you can work on change and see where his head's at.

[circi]

Funny, I think you are in the same predicament, but on the other side. I'm sick of not seeing action on HIS part.

[twinkle72]

Also, you had been in contact all week. We had only txt a couple of random times. Your ex is clearly not ready to end it but maybe you do need to lay it on the line about what you expect and that things can't go on like they have been...

[twinkle72]

Does he admit he needs to change? Is he willing to do what it takes to make it better?

[circi]

It's just so hard and this past week has been such an emotional rollercoaster ride. I don't trust myself not to either A) Burst into tears or B) Start yelling.

 

My boss has been in the loop with all this and suggested I sit down and write myself a list of things I want to discuss. So I'm sitting here with Word open, and my mind went completely blank. I'm starting to think that maybe I should just tell him to move on. I don't know if things can be repaired anymore. I have so much hurt and pain at this point and whose to say that this wouldn't just happen again? I can't be with a man who is going to leave whenever there are problems.

 

Edited to say thank you so much for your responses. I really need an ear and support right now!!

[cant find my smile]

Hi ladies,

 

I am in a similar position to both of you so I wanted to share some thoughts. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 3 months ago becuase he wasn't sure how he was feeling, what he wanted etc. He had been treating me pretty badly in the same ways it sounds like yours did (was supposed to hang with all my friends and bailed, forgot my b-day, wouldn't call when he was supposed to etc) and I kept bugging him because I was so sick of it, but never got the courage to leave him. He did that for me.

 

At first whenever we talked I wanted to know what he was thinking, how he was feeling, where we stood, if we were going to be ok etc. I bombarded him with these questions and he never wanted to talk about it. He avoided these discussions at all costs and the result was that I was chasing him via email, phone, text and he ignored me.

 

As soon as I started to back off, and to stop panicking that I needed to get him back asap, our conversations got better and took place more often. My situation is pretty messed up because we still see each other about once or twice a week and sleep with each other still, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship now. Not saying this is a good strategy, but I do know that if you give them a little space and time to think and don't act like you NEED to know everything now, they are much more receptive to talking. I've now accepted that giving him an ultimatum that I must know now if we are going to be together forever is bringing me nothing but more pain, so I let him take his time, and in the mean time I start to move on piece by piece.

[twinkle72]

No, do not tell him just to move on> that's not what you REALLY want is it?

Your boss' advice is great! Give it time and you will think of things to say.

From what I've read there is still a part of you that wants it to work and you do want to stay together. I believe people CAN make changes.

 

I agree with that latest post too in that the more I 'interrogate and nag' according to him the worse off I am. My situation though we have been over everything enough to know exactly what the issues are and what needs to change... i am doing the backing off bit too and hope that if we get back together I can maintain that sort of independent trait this time. Fake it til you make it.

[circi]

Does he admit he needs to change? No idea

Is he willing to work to make it better? No idea

My gut reaction to both of these questions is probably not.

 

I'm just so tired of this. Heck tho, for all I know the talk is going to be him telling me we're over and I'm getting myself worked up for what I need him to do all for nothing, lol!

 

Smile - I am very very very close to giving him an ultimatum. I think what you're doing would be too much for me to bear and it would be easier *for me* to not have him than to live with the limbo you're dealing with. You are a stronger woman than me!

[cant find my smile]

Smile - I am very very very close to giving him an ultimatum. I think what you're doing would be too much for me to bear and it would be easier *for me* to not have him than to live with the limbo you're dealing with. You are a stronger woman than me!

 

If I were a strong woman I would have had the strength to walk away from him already. He is offering me very little of himself and yet I still willingly give him all of me - doesn't say much about me now does it?

 

I don't think my situation is sustainable, but I'm not yet ready to cut him out of my life, and I am too naive to think that maybe he is just using me until he finds someone else.

[circi]

I'm not ready to cut mine out of my life either, but I suspect that's exactly what I'm going to be forced to do and it sounds like you should do the same. Life is too short to spend it pining over someone who is not willing to give you what you need to be happy.

[circi]

UPDATE:

We did not have our talk last night, he ended up having to work very late. We did have quite a heated text message exchange where I tried to just end things though. After getting about 2hrs sleep last night I came in to work where I cried on and off for several hours.

 

Finally just called him, and he says he got up early so that he could get off at a decent hour and talk. He says he loves and misses me, feels like he has no home right now, but when I asked if he was wanting to try and make this work or not all he would say is "I won't answer that until after we talk tonight. There are alot of things wrong and I don't know if we can work it out until we talk. You have absolutely NO IDEA what has been going through my head"!. He claims he is hurting badly and not happy at all.

 

We hung up and he sent me a text 15mins later that said "I love and respect u". I am willing to bet money that this talk ends up with me in tears and his walking out of my life for good.

[AngryHeart]

That's tough. I hate Limbo Land. And I know what it is like being so sure things are going to turn out very bad - story of my life. But think of it this way...if he does say goodbye for good, at least you will KNOW. And you will have to move on for your own sanity. Good luck.