Closure, breaking NC, and other musings

[delerium6]

Couple weeks ago my ex-gf parted ways with me. This was after 6 years of seeing each other. I generally got the "I love you but not in love with you" spiel (over the phone, which I'm still a little irked about, but alas). It was basically out of the blue and sent me in a state of shock. Wrote one of those weepy, heartwreching emails 2 days later. Spent a week or so in NC.

 

Sunday I was tooling around online and found a relationship column by an author who I thought really uncovered some of the things she/we were feeling. I was in one of my more emotional states. So against my better judgement, I printed it off, added my own comments (some bold and rambling, unfortunately), and mailed it to her. It's probably not even at her place yet.

 

Here's the article: link removed

 

Obviously, just like clockwork, I now regret sending it. Even sent a "pre-emptive" email last night telling her what I just did and kind of apologized for intruding her desire for space/separation. What's done is done. Learned my lesson. I don't expect a response from her, and to be frank, I hope she doesn't.

 

Sure, I regret breaking the NC. But at the same time, I'm kind of traditional in that I believe any close multi-year relationship should be given a chance by talking over things, therapy, discovering if anything needs fixing, finding what might've happened and working on it, etc. If that doesn't work, then yes, it's over and done with. Of course there are extreme circumstances (violence, etc.) where "working things out" just isn't possible. But for most of these relationships, why not open up when things start to drift and maybe discover something that can help bring it together again?

 

So basically, I broke NC, wish I didn't. Now I'll focus on NC.

 

But I'm not sorry for believing we had things we could've talked and sorted out before the whole relationship was abruptly chucked down the river. What we had together deserved a bit more.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

the sad thing is that the person who leaves has been thinking about leaving for a long time usually, and has chosen NOT to work it out with the person they are leaving.

 

ideally there would be a period of open 'working on it', but the other person chooses not to... so rationally working on things make sense, but emotionally people are complex beings, and she has made a choice that for her she doesn't want to work on it...

 

so really when someone says something like 'i love you but not in love with you,' they are making a choice based on their FEELINGS, not the rationale understanding that a lot was invested in a long relationship and they should try to keep the relationship going. her feelings are what she is following...

 

so it is very hard when this happens, but you can't make a rational appeal to her feelings if they aren't turned in your direction anymore. the best thing to do is NC, and perhaps hope that she didn't evaluate her feelings properly, and time away makes her realize that. but most likely she has moved on, and very commonly the 'i'm not in love with you' breakup speech means she has found someone else who has sparked her 'new attraction' feelings again.

[ONOUDONT]

delerium,

 

I read your post yesterday about the article and how you sent it to your ex. I was curious to see how it turned out.

 

Thanks for posting the link to the article. I too got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech; when I read the article, it was almost like the person had a front row seat to my relationship with my ex. Nope, we never fought.

 

It would have been nice to have been given the chance to work on the relationship; I thought there was a lot there that was worth saving, but apparently my ex didn't think so. We've been NC for about a month and a half. She sent me an email on Thanksgiving, but practically asked me not to reply to the email, so I haven't. It's been hard -- I'd like to see how she's doing and if there's been a change of heart, yada yada yada, but it's space that she wants, so it's space that she's getting.

 

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get on with my life -- doing things to improve myself and discovering new things that I enjoy. I don't have the heart to date anyone right now, and I think that's OK.

 

Good luck on your journey -- it's a real growth experience!

 

-- ONO

[bridgid8]

Things are still so fresh for you, please don't beat yourself up. We all have our moments, shouldn't you get a few-six years and it has only been a few weeks. It struck a chord with you and you thought it made sense. You'll be cringing for a few days, but maybe this was what you needed to actually go into NC for a while. Now you learned that maybe you should think about things before you act on it.

 

Take care

[delerium6]

Looks like you and I are in the exact same boat, word for word.

 

I'll definitely let you know if I hear anything back. My strong hunch is that she won't reply to it, which in actuality, might be a good thing. And I'm more committed to staying NC now, especially since the holidays are upon us.

 

Good luck to you as well, and keep me posted (i.e. PM) if something suddenly changes with your ex.