turnaroundmyway Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 I've been with my FI for 4 years and engaged for 2. We bought a house a few months ago, but had several unforeseen expenses and it started sucking us dry so we had to cancel the wedding. He has more disposable income than I do since I have some educational debt as well as being a single mom, so I left most of the financial planning to him while I took care of the wedding preparations. The stress was so huge and I couldn't talk to him about the planning and I didn't want to hear about the house. He was so scared to tell me how badly off we were and that we couldn't get married because he knew how much I had been looking forward to the wedding and that I had already told him I really didn't want to wait much longer. He thought he would lose me. In the meantime I kept pushing the wedding even though he kept hinting that things didn't look good. There was so much pressure on him he started getting sick and missing work. Now that the wedding is off until who knows when, I feel really lost. I've been trying to ignore my biological clock (I'm 35) but it keeps ticking louder. In the meantime, FI is pulling away from me. I apologized for the pressure I put him under and reassured him that I still want to be with him. He said he still wants to be with me. But really, I don't know when things will turn around. He suggested selling the house but I said no. He's not eating or sleeping or working. I don't know how to help him. He's stopped talking to everyone. I keep telling him I love him and am there for him. I still want to be his wife. I love him so much. I don't want to push him, but I'm really worried about him. How do I help him? How do I tell people politely who keep asking about our plans to back off? After we pull through, how do I address my clock? I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just have to trust that everything should just work out as it should.....? Link to comment
Bankers24 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 Why don't you guys just get married at city hall? It will take care of the expenses and the clock. Big weddings are overrated anyway. Plus, you can do a big reception later when you guys have more money. Having a good marriage has nothing to do with the way you are married. Good luck! Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 11, 2007 Author Share Posted December 11, 2007 That's what I wanted (well, also to elope somewhere as an alternative)!! I don't care about the big wedding. I just want to be with him. He says he's only getting married once so he wants it 'done right'. Go figure!!!! I think after things settle a bit he'll see it that way, he's just depressed and frustrated right now... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 I agree with Bankers. But I also think there is something deeper going on here. I think you need to sit down with him to discuss your financial situation. It sounds to me that it is possible that the financial situation is what is causing this downward spiral in him. Couples should do financial planning together..it shouldn't be left up to one person to think about the finances. Talk to him about this...it sounds to me like there might be some cash flow issues that are getting him down. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 11, 2007 Author Share Posted December 11, 2007 Thanks, I had been planning on talking to him about it, but right now he's pushing me away. In the past when I brought up finances, he always told me not to worry about it and that I worry too much. That will have to change. I also think he was being overly idealistic about trying to buy a house and pay for a wedding at the same time. That's big for most people. The wedding money was there, but he hadn't counted on the hidden costs of purchasing the house or problems with the house once we got possession of it. I think we've both learned a big lesson. I just wish I could help him out of his funk and let him know that everything will be ok. I wish he would turn to someone instead of internalizing everything. I don't know how to reach out and get through... Link to comment
trying2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 I will tell you from the man in the household, the finances have been a large stress for me to be the provider and in times of crunch it would stress me out to no end, but i always felt bad talking to my wife about it, because it made me feel like I had failed. You have to talk to him, you have to let him know that its ok that you are in this situation that its because both of you and that both of you will get out.. SELL SELL SELL the house, thats what my wife and i are doing and the minute we decided to the stress started to lower. If only from thoughts of being in a better financial position, it helped. Also, let him know that you are ok with waiting on marriage, its only paper anyway, its not that you feel different when you are married, you dont. Tell him you want to go to vegas and get married and then do it right when you can, either way, its all about him and you and nothing else. BUt the big thing, is talk, that was my wife and I;s issues and we are just now getting back together and feeling we are going to make it. BUt i will tell you that money can be a stresser for you, but it can be a major stress for the husband especially if he does all the bills like i do, it makes it seem like we failed if there are problems. Link to comment
wiser Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 That's what I wanted (well, also to elope somewhere as an alternative)!! I don't care about the big wedding. I just want to be with him. He says he's only getting married once so he wants it 'done right'. Go figure!!!! I think after things settle a bit he'll see it that way, he's just depressed and frustrated right now... How about a compromise? Heck life, and successful marriages are full of them. You would be ok with a simple no frills wedding. He wants a big bash. Meet halfway. Have a big wedding in a less expensive place and keep costs down by: letting a friend take pictures (nowadays the results are just as good with a digital camera), skip the videotaping the wedding (you will watch it once), keep the flowers simple, DJ instead of a band, skip the fancy party favors...and let the guests know you would prefer monetary gifts, which should almost offset the cost of the wedding. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 11, 2007 Author Share Posted December 11, 2007 We had the big destination wedding planned. Planning was like my part time job. I really don't want to have to start that from scratch again. It took a lot out of me. I don't think some people realize how much planning and work goes into weddings - along with the craziness and conflicts that occur during this phase. At this point I just want to show up, say 'I do', and start our lives together. Don't get me wrong, I'd do the planning all over again, it may just not be with the same zest I had the first time around... Thanks for the input. We will definitely find a compromise later, we just need to get over this hump first... Link to comment
trying2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 Dont let not getting the wedding that you were "planning" get in the way of getting married. You may be bummed and tired from it all, but it wont mean a thing if you dont have him in your life. believe me, weddings are great, but if the marriage doesnt work, then it wont matter at all. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 11, 2007 Author Share Posted December 11, 2007 Thanks for your perspective. I needed that. I think he feels he failed me, but he hasn't. I told him that. I told him I'd also wait. I think it's finally starting to sink in that I'm still here, wanting to be with him. I'm more upset at the fact he never let on how much pressure he was under. If I knew it was that bad I wouldn't have let it get to where it is today... Things will get better with the money situation as everything appears to be taken care of now, it's just the timing was wrong. I feel awful - like I'm the one that caused this. Luckily he said he's not mad at me or anything for pushing the wedding. I'm not mad or disappointed with him for the situation, I just wish it was more clearly stated to me earlier on, rather than hinting, that it wasn't possible to have the wedding at this time. I just wish he'd talk to me a bit more right now rather than shutting off. I'm trying to give him space but it's hard.... Link to comment
trying2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Share Posted December 11, 2007 Just know that its not "his fault" or "your fault" that he didnt come to you, thats the way guys are programmed, we were brought up to be the strong hero type that provides and if you dont, then you arent doing what you were put here to do. Even if he doesnt know it, thats the way society has brought him up, and if he is older than 25 then its worse and worse as you get older. Let the fact that he didnt talk to you go and just let him know you guys are a team and you will be there. Even offer to take some of the bills off his plate, even if he still pays them, I told my wife i wanted her to take care of it all to help and she was all for it. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 Good news! FI is feeling a lot better - he's eating and sleeping properly now. We were talking yesterday and came up with a financial plan for our future goals that involve both of our contributions. Hopefully over the next few days we can come up with a new plan for the wedding. Nothing to specific, but just enough to give us some direction. I'm feeling really bad today but I don't want him to know because I'm afraid he'd start feeling bad again too. Vendors and guests are asking me what's going on. I don't feel like answering them right now. I have a Christmas party tomorrow that I can't get out of. I'm trying not to cry at my desk. I know it's not the end of the world, I'm just a little disappointed. Link to comment
trying2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Good news! FI is feeling a lot better - he's eating and sleeping properly now. We were talking yesterday and came up with a financial plan for our future goals that involve both of our contributions. Hopefully over the next few days we can come up with a new plan for the wedding. Nothing to specific, but just enough to give us some direction. I'm feeling really bad today but I don't want him to know because I'm afraid he'd start feeling bad again too. Vendors and guests are asking me what's going on. I don't feel like answering them right now. I have a Christmas party tomorrow that I can't get out of. I'm trying not to cry at my desk. I know it's not the end of the world, I'm just a little disappointed. why are you not feeling well, it sounds as tho you made some progress. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 Thanks for the reply. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy we're making progress. I'm just a little sad that we had our dream wedding in place and have to postpone indefinitely. It won't be the same next time round. It will still be wonderful, just not the same. I had dreamed about the day for so long and put so much effort into planning (almost this all of 2007), it's a little hard for me to let it go. Not that the effort was "wasted", I'm just sad it's not going to be realized the way we've been planning it this past year. It also hurts when people ask about the planning and how excited I must be. I have a Christmas party soon and I know it's going to come up. Maybe it's just a female thing.... Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 People keep asking me if I'm ok. I know they mean well, but sometimes it makes it worse. Know what I mean? Link to comment
wiser Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 People keep asking me if I'm ok. I know they mean well, but sometimes it makes it worse. Know what I mean? Yup. The last thing you want to hear when you aren't ok is people asking you if you are ok. Then you feel like you have to act like you are ok and you don't feel that way so it's hard to do. And who wants to be pitied... Link to comment
trying2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Yeah i know what you mean, i didnt even notice that i was an ass hole for 3 weeks before one of my employees told me. So its hard, with all that you are going through its hard to concentrate on normal days stuff. But what I would do is when people ask you about it, tell them that you guys decided to do something different and its in the beginning stages and youll let them know when you decide. thats all, not a big deal, you dont have to get into financial stuff or anything like that. Now what you have to think is that just a few months ago you were planning this wedding, and now it looks like you wont be able to do it, but who knows what a few months down the line will look like too. Things have a funny way of working themselves out. My wife wanted this big fairy tale marriage and i was going to give it to her, but then she realized that all she wanted to do was be married to me, so we did a surprise wedding for 30 of our closest and it was magical, much more than my first marriage that we had over 300 there and spent 15k or more. But i am a man, and i know that weddings are more you guys dream then ours, but his dream is to be your husband, remember that and that will make it more special than anything that you can plan. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 17, 2007 Author Share Posted December 17, 2007 Now for more fun.. I had booked 3 weeks vacation off for my destination wedding. I have family and friends still going because it was too late for them to cancel. I was debating still going because I really need a break and it would be nice to spend time there with everyone even though we're not getting married there. I told my work I'm not getting married anymore so I don't need the 3 weeks off anymore but I would still like a few days off. Now it doesn't seem like I can't get the few days off because it's a really busy time for us!!!! ARGH! Oh yeah, FI is still moody and depressed from our situation so I'm handling all the cancellations with the help of his mom. On top of that he's used up all his vacation time plus another week unpaid time off for stress leave. I'm trying to be supportive, but at the same time I need some from him too!!! Do you know how painful it is to cancel your own wedding? VERY! I'm still waiting to hear back on cancellation fees too, which I'm sure won't be small. Sorry, I know there probably isn't any advice you guys can offer me, it's just that I can't scream or cry at work and I feel like it.... Thanks for letting me vent. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 19, 2007 Author Share Posted December 19, 2007 OK, my work issue has resolved itself, but I am starting to suspect FI is depressed. He's eating a little better but still not sleeping. He went back to work this week after taking time 3 weeks off of work (due to stress), and now he's talking about quitting. He's been there for 15+ years! I'm so worried about him. I doubt he'd do anything to himself, but he's completely withdrawn from his friends, family, and me. I feel totally shut out. I feel like I'm pestering him all the time by asking him how he's doing etc. I tell him I love him all the time. I don't know if I should pull back or be more aggressive in tackling this issue. I have never seen him like this before!!! I know he loves me. I'm trying to understand what he's going through, but he can't explain it. Should I back off and give him space to work things out on his own or do I push him to go see a doctor or at least talk to someone, even if it's not me. It's been a really intense month for both of us. Any suggestions on what to do are very much appreciated... Thanks!!!! Link to comment
trying2007 Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 at this point i would tell him that he needs to go talk to someone about his stress, counseling helped me not only in my rels, but also for me personally and i think that if he wont talk to you, then he needs to talk to someone. Sometimes, and ive been there, holding things in just makes it worse and worse and it can grow so bad that you dont think that you will ever be able to overcome it and things just magnify. Get him to talk to someone before you and he suffer any longer. a third party would be smart. Link to comment
3boys Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Maybe suggest that you BOTH go talk to a counselor or therapist (or even a minister/priest, if you're religious). I think it would be beneficial to both of you. You don't necessarily have to go together, but it would show him that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. If you have to, say you want to go talk to someone for yourself, but you don't think you can do it without him there to support you. It sounds like his pride has been hurt by all of this and he's feeling like he's let you down....it might make give him an ego boost to think that you need him. Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 23, 2007 Author Share Posted December 23, 2007 Well, I went to the doctor and she didn't feel I needed anything... and that everything will pass if our relationship is strong. FI is not acting like the man I know anymore. He no longer asks about how I am doing. He doesn't initiate any conversations. He keeps telling me everything is fine. He only says "I love you too", never says it first anymore. I want my old FI back, the man I fell in love with - I know he's still in there somewhere. Anytime I want to talk about anything serious (like what's happening with us or how I'm feeling), the subject is changed or he has a 'headache' and needs to go lie down. All we talk about is fluff. I feel like I'm in a losing battle. Is this depression or has he changed? I keep reaching out only to feel like my hand is being slapped away (it really hurts my feelings). I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up for. I offer space, but he says he doesn't need it. It's been like this for over a month. What do I do?!?! I'm at a loss. Please help.... Link to comment
turnaroundmyway Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 This would be really nice. Unfortunately, he is going through some emotional changes right now and isn't really talking to me. He is, but converations kept very superficial on his end. On a positive note, he's hanging out with some friends - something he hasn't done in awhile. He said he'd call me back, but he hasn't. To save my sanity, I'm going to turn off my phone and take some Valerian or something, otherwise I won't sleep... Link to comment
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