what stage am i in??

[backagain]

ok...so i've read alot about stages of grieving, but i am confused on how i am doing.....i guess just need some light....kinda long so if anyone has the patience, bear with me pls, and pls do share if u feel similar feelings.

 

keep in mind i do kno that there is no "definition" or "timeline" of grief, but i just want to be reassured that im doing ok...

 

quick background info, 4 yrs relationship, first love, she broke up with me 33 days ago (fell outta love), been NCing since the very start, we're both in our early 20s.

 

the first 3 weeks or so of the break up (so up to a week and a half ago), i was actually ok. I mean i was singing sappy songs and definitly had my moments of sadness, but i was genuinly ok (besides the obviouse missing her).

 

i make it to a point where i try not to ask anyone about her, but i obviously do confide in 2-3 real close friends. among friends its been a little tough, because 2 of my close friends who live/lived with me are friends with the ex, and communicates with her regularily. I've been trying to distant myself away from those 2 little by little to protect myself.

 

there isn't 1 day that goes by that i dont think about her, of course i feel the loneliness. however, although she broke it off, i know deep inside that this was the right decision, but whether or not i've accepted that, is another question.

 

whenever i think about the possibility of dating other potential girls that are capable of loving me FULLY (ex suffers depression, eating disorder, low-self-esteem, which led to alot of problems...etc) i get kinda excited, but i'll be honest, my ex was EXTREMELY attractive, so im still at the point where im comparing (i know its selfish and superficial, but i cant help it). but i still really miss the ex and it does hurt alot still, i mean after all, 4 yrs is like almost a quarter of my life time.

 

now, started from a week and a half ago, i dont know what went wrong, i guess all i can say is "it just hit me like a huge wave" for a lack of better description. I fell... fell the deepest and hardest i've felt so far, even worse than the first breakup (she broke up with me once before for another guy). this was during the week where i had 3 exams back to back. but that didnt straighten me out, i drank like there is not tomorrow....counting last night, i drank 8 days in a row, each night getting absolutely drunk (12+ beers). i would just sit in my room, drink myself silly, and sing songs.....i didn't even want to talk to anyone.

 

lately i've also been wondering whether or not to establish a small contact (ie. dropping off a christmas card for those who have read my earlier posts). but after going thru such emotional turmoil for the past week, i've decided to at least wait for another week (which i am very comfortable about).

 

so last night i drank myself silly again, watchin the season finale of the hills (yes call me a woman lol) by myself.....and the sadness just drawn over me. I went over to a really close friends house after, and.....finally broke down.

 

I dont know what it was, i guess it was just seeing the familiar face of a really close friend, and just feeling so alone in the past week. he didn't have to say much, he just watched me as i stood in his kitchen dropping large drops of tears in silence.

 

im assuming it was a breaking point. i think its because ultimately i know it was the right thing. i think its because ultimately i know i dont want to be with a girl with so many emotional problems and so much unstable love, and ultimately, i know im really not in love with her either. i am just in the midst of a struggle....to accept it fully.

 

anther thing that is on my mind alot is, alot of ppl around the ex think im a controlling exbf, altho i know i shouldn't care but it bugs me alot. i mean what do u guys think? my ex was texting guys frequently, lied to me alot in the past, possibly cheated on me (poss physically, def emotionally), left me for another guy once....etc. on top of that, she was very obsessive herself (where r u, who r u talking to...etc) but when i do it, she accuses me of being controlling....*sigh*....how do i clear my name?

 

the thought of her dating/fooling around with other guys is still unbearable....but i know its inevitable knowing her.

 

i think im beginning to accept things, at least im beginning to WANT to heal and let go......

 

thanks for reading this long post.

[Smudude1]

I am right where you are my friend. I was with my ex for 4 years and lived together for 3.5 of those years. We broke up just ove 2 months ago. She had suffered from depression, had an eating disorder, and very low self-esteem. She was extremely attractive as well. We had so many problems that neither one of us would face and we just went on and on. I know in my heart right now that I do not want her back, but I REALLY miss her a lot. Like you, it really bothers me that she is out there dating and foolong around with other guys. I know she is dating another guy allready, but there is nothing I can do about it.

 

I went out on a first date this past weekend and I kept comparing my date to my ex. I know it was wrong, but I did.

 

It is getting better everyday. I think I am going into the angry stage at this point. The next step in grieving.

 

We all deserve the best for ourselves and it took me a while to figure that out and realize there is life after a failed relationship.

[dd]

Since I am a psychology major and memorized the stages of grievance or loss, here it goes. In my opinion it takes a while for grievance and you can go back to the stages, other people can cope well. Not many people can get to the last stage, it is very rare.

 

Denial: Accepting that it is not over.

Anger: Suddenly getting angry over what happen

Bargaining: Rationalizing, wondering what if this would have happened, would i have done this.

Depression: Falling into depression, not socializing with any body.

Acceptance: Accepting the relationship is over and moving on. Learning from it.

 

This theory is primary for the stages of grievance when someone dies, accepting illness, but also other people have noted that it can work for relationships.

 

For me, it has helped a lot. I'm moving towards acceptance, but yet at times I can go into reverse, but it can be temporary.

 

Hope it helps

[Andy_2007]

She had suffered from depression, had an eating disorder, and very low self-esteem. She was extremely attractive as well. .

 

Hmm. Sensing a theme here. Mine was exactly the same.

 

Question is...would a girl actually dump her boyfriend because of these things? Or do we just tell ourselves that so we feel better about the break up and our egos feel less damaged?

 

Afraid to say I'm really thinking the latter option is the truth...

[backagain]

well i think its both....

 

because of these, they are so concentrated on their disorders (ie. eating disorder) that they virtually have no energy left when it comes to the relationship....

 

if this sounds familiar, they ALWAYS feel like they are sacrificing something for you, they are easily swayed, and easily influenced by the opinions of their friends, and as soon as the ship gets rocky, they tend to find their "self-esteem" in another guy who happens to "make them feel good about themselves", they also are very secretive, keep their thoughts IN, and rarely speak their true intentions even if its something as stupid as "what do ya wanna do tonight hun?"....

 

these are just things to name a couple...obviously there are mistakes on both sides, but i personally believe these disorders (eating disorder, depression..etc) are big problems, because it goes to the root of your sig other. Bottom line, they for some DAMN reason cannot believe why you are in love with them, and subconsciously the relationship gets sabatoged....

 

oh and another problem i faced was that everything i did seemed controlling to her?? but she could never communicate that feeling to me....??

 

anyways again i dun think its the REASON why they leave, but these disorders REALLY does interefere with their judgements.....

 

did ur ex' have a hard time saying "no" to ppl like mine? even if its a guy advancing on her, did ur ex' "not pick up on the hints" or says "he is just being friendly"?

 

im sure some of these things sound familiar to you guys who had a gf who suffered these problems...

[wiser]

the first 3 weeks or so of the break up (so up to a week and a half ago), i was actually ok. I mean i was singing sappy songs and definitly had my moments of sadness, but i was genuinly ok (besides the obviouse missing her).

 

The denial stage. The body's way of easing the shock to the system.

 

now, started from a week and a half ago, i dont know what went wrong, i guess all i can say is "it just hit me like a huge wave" for a lack of better description. I fell... fell the deepest and hardest i've felt so far, even worse than the first breakup

 

You moved out of the denial state and you entered the acceptance stage. Nothing went wrong. You're moving along the stages of grief. Don't be surprised if you go back and forth between denial and acceptance many more times before you finally accept it.

 

lately i've also been wondering whether or not to establish a small contact (ie. dropping off a christmas card for those who have read my earlier posts). but after going thru such emotional turmoil for the past week, i've decided to at least wait for another week (which i am very comfortable about).

 

If by sending the card you are thinking that it might get her to start thinking about you and possibly reconsider...then welcome to the "bargaining stage"

 

Don't send the card. You're too emotionally involved at this point for your contact with her to be "in the grey". You need to cut her out of your life completely. At least for now.

[Smudude1]

Hmm. Sensing a theme here. Mine was exactly the same.

 

Question is...would a girl actually dump her boyfriend because of these things? Or do we just tell ourselves that so we feel better about the break up and our egos feel less damaged?

 

Afraid to say I'm really thinking the latter option is the truth...

 

All of us are without faults. Because of my ex's disorders, I gave and gave to try and make her happy. I took her problems in as mine and tried to fix them. I know now that her problems should have never been mine. However, it is hard to sit back and watch them self destruct in front of us. With me, I no more to give her and she started to separate from me by her moving out into her own apartment, thinking it might help us. It obviously didn't. The day after we broke up she went to dinner with another guy that had been hitting on her when I wasn't around. He fed her ego by telling her that she was "HOT." Same thing with the guy she is currently dating. It is a real shame how someone can just turn on and off their feelings like a water faucet.

[wiser]

All of us are without faults.

 

Really? I have never met a perfect person. I am definitely not one myself, I have many faults, and the key to improving yourself is to acknowledge them.

[Smudude1]

Sorry, I meant to say "NOT" without faults..hehe.

[backagain]

well thank you guys for the feedback...

 

its been quite tough lately, but i think imma lay off the drinkin for a while....hit the gym harder and i guess just...survive as stupid as it sounds....

[wiser]

i think imma lay off the drinkin for a while....hit the gym harder and i guess just

 

That's the best two things you could possibly do for yourself.

[programmer]

Your situation is quite similar to me. I was in a in relationship with my ex-girl in over 4 years. She has eating disorder too, and low self-esteem. This complicates it all. Haven't talked to her for over 40 days since she dumped me. She had eating disorder 4 months before she dumped me for real. For how long did your ex have eating disorder before she dumped you?

[programmer]

 

did ur ex' have a hard time saying "no" to ppl like mine? even if its a guy advancing on her, did ur ex' "not pick up on the hints" or says "he is just being friendly"?

 

im sure some of these things sound familiar to you guys who had a gf who suffered these problems...

 

Damn, my ex did have problem to say "no" to people. She wanted everybody to like her, so she never refused anything. Didn't shouted out her opinion to other people. 2 weeks before she dumped me, we were dancing, a guy friend of her came, and she just left dancing with me to dance with him without saying a word to me. And she didn't understand why I was so mad for that. I don't know if she did that as a build-up to break up with me