Husband is calling prostitues

[lonelygirl9]

I was trying to log into my own e-mail account yesterday, and his came up instead because he didn't log out the last time he was in there. So a few months ago he joined an online hook-up site and he's also been mailing craigslist prostitutes. He's caught now, so he says he's going to stop. I asked him who the two phone #'s he was trying to call on his cell yesterday during his lunch hour, and he confessed they were prostitutes. So now suddenly because he's caught he's going to stop?? I don't understand. I'll be calling a marriage counselor today, we've needed one for years. I asked for the passwords to both his bank account and his e-mail account, but he does not want to give them to me.

 

I don't have a soul to talk to about this, it's so embarrassing. Sunday was my birthday, and we're in the middle of the holidays, so every thing's supposed to look like happy family. I'm so heartbroken.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi lonelygirl9, and welcome to ENA,

 

Gee, it really doesn't look good, I'm sorry to hear this.

 

I think the councelor is the best way to go if you want to preserve your marriage.

 

I don't know, if it were me I would be packing I guess, (or rather, have him packing...) but you know best if it is worth holding onto.

 

Sorry again, and again welcome.

 

Jeff

[Censored]

Hi lonelygirl9,

 

As jeff said, welcome to eNA.

 

There are some wonderful experienced and sometimes even wise people on this forum that will really give you advice based on what they think is BEST for YOU.

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can only imagine your resolve if you are talking about counselling.

 

I tend to think that right now you may be shellshocked considering the recent events that have taken place. I am not sure if your resolve will hold out once the enormity of what has happened/is happening hits home.

 

I truly believe that you need to find your closest friend in a time like this, you need to have a physical person to help support you through this time. It is NOTHING to be embarressed about, you are not at fault here, you are not to blame for his actions.

 

It is quite telling that he wont allow you access to his online bank or email account. AT this early stage, all i can really say is be aware that your emotions are going to go on a horrible rollercoaster ride.

 

But please listen to me when i say again that there are some fine people here that have seen it, been in it, and sometimes done it all before. You WILL get genuine people here that can help keep you on the right road, and simply support you when you need it.

[Jeffrey2095]

Yeah, personally, if I were caught, and I were sincere and truly repentant, I would be an open book as far as my accounts etc.

 

Like Niceguy said, that is most telling.

 

I mean, I would be down on my knees... not defensive.

 

Jeff

[Dako]

I agree with Jeffrey that he shouldn't be stonewalling and doing damage control. He should be an open book to show his remorse.

Keeping up the appearance of a happy couple might be a waste of energy. This is serious stuff, and you can't tiptoe around the fact your marriage is in trouble.

 

He may have been putting you at risk while cheating on you.

I'm surprised you haven't split up.

[_Tiki_]

I think there must be an underlying problem if he is doing this. A counsellor would be able to identify why he is acting this way. I feel like this is going on a lot and thats why he's hiding the bank details from you. Seeing a counsellor would be a very good idea. I hope everything turns out ok, but please look after yourself and get checked for STD's if you've had unprotected sex.

[bunny2007]

Hi lonely girl,

 

if you would like to read my post '' husband has been sleeping with prostitutes for a very long time''. There are plenty of other similar posts so know that you are not alone, there are so many of us who have been through what you are going through.

I found out in a similar way and my partner at first refused to let me look at his bank accounts and phone bills. That was because of all the thousands he had been spending on prostitutes and hotels. So thats how I discovered my partners trail of lies. Eventually I hacked his phone records online and he gave in and let me see the bank accounts. I was astonished at all the filthy lies i found. Believe me I was not in anyway prepared for what I discovered I never had a clue.

 

So I'm afraid it doesn't look good if he won't let you see the accounts. You need to evaluate your life now and also see his reaction when you do find out the truth. There are alot of people on this site who will tell you to just leave him. But only you have the true answers to that and only time will tell if the relationship is worth salvaging.

 

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time and I wish you the strength to get through it.

[lonelygirl9]

I'm glad to have heard back from so many of you, I'm really thankful for your replies. I doubt he's followed through yet, simply because he's not very good at lying. I usually catch him. I've stumbled into his e-mail like this several times, but this is the first time I've seen him ever get this close to doing such a thing. He's been to some of these sites in the past, but not until now has he had any real women materialize through his efforts. Honestly, I think I'd know if it had happened already in the past, he's not very good at covering his tracks. We've been living together for 10 years, married for 4.

 

He's not remorseful. He says he's ashamed, but mostly he just wants the problem to go away, i.e., he wants me to shut up. He just changed the password to his phone so I can't see his phone calls now. We have an appointment with a counselor this Friday.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

As you are married, you have the right to know about eachother's money. That is joint property. Any way, if I really wanted to have a look at that & know what was up and he wasn't cooperating, I would just install a keylogger on the computer secretly and get the information.

 

Time to think of and protect YOURSELF.

[bunny2007]

Okay but come on, seriously why would he not let you look at his phone records and stuff. I never in a million years thought my husband was a liar I thought he was crap at lying too. He wasn't staying out late very often he was doing right before he came home early evening and sitting down to eat his dinner. I had no idea how much of a liar he was. Of course he is trying to shut you up because if you keep pushing the issue he's gonna get found out. I bet he's saying he thinks it wrong that you should invade his personal space and stuff like that because he trying to make you feel bad so you back off.

 

If you've been living with someone for 10 years and they say to you ''no you can't look at my accounts'' then Im sorry to say he is hiding something. I have yet to meet a woman whos husband was calling prostitutes and never went to actually have sex with one. I also worked as a P.I and I never came accross an instance where the spouse was calling up hookers but not visiting them.

 

Maybe you'll be the first!

 

I'm sorry I don't mean to sound harsh but I have been through this and seen many times how people can lie over and over to your face and go to great lengths to cover their tracks.

[lonelygirl9]

I'm sure he had/has every intention of going to see a prostitute, but I get the impression that he has not yet. I've had access to his phone account for the last two years, and I've checked it periodically.

 

I'm not ruling out the possibility that he's already been to prostitutes. I wouldn't be surprised if he has. When I say he's a bad liar, it's because he lies often and I usually catch him, but not because I'm looking, he's sloppy. I'm only asking for his passwords now because he needs to give them to me as a show of fidelity. I can get into his bank account and look by resetting his password, and I have done so in the past to check on him without his knowledge. He's angry right now I can only guess because he feels his privacy has been invaded.

 

He said just now in an e-mail he doesn't want to say anything that will make me more mad. I told him I'm really not even mad, I feel sick. He then responded that he feels estranged, isolated and defensive. He works 60 + hours a week, and we have a 20 month old son. We don't have any time together for just the two of us, and he's not interested in that anyway.

 

All the signs are there that this is really really bad, and I'm fairly certain it's even worse than I suspect it to be, but I'm still not sure he's gone over the line yet.

[Dako]

You seem to draw the line at actual sex, but so far you don't trust the guy or feel appreciated. He's more concerned with getting off the hook and you seem to accept this as long as he doesn't cheat.

 

Hookers don't make their living off phone calls.

[lonelygirl9]

You seem to draw the line at actual sex, but so far you don't trust the guy or feel appreciated. He's more concerned with getting off the hook and you seem to accept this as long as he doesn't cheat.

 

Hookers don't make their living off phone calls.

 

That's all true, and hopefully counseling will help. I don't accept any of this, other than to say there's nothing I can do, arguments just lead to threats of divorce. How do I combat that? He wants me to believe that it's just his sex drive that's led him to all this, when I have no doubt it's an issue in our marriage, but we can't talk to each other to figure out what the issue is. I'm really praying a mediator will help. I've suggested counseling for years, but not till I found out about all this has he been really willing. We also haven't had the money in the past. I always worried that if he had more money that he would spend it on prostitutes. I have the e-mails he sent to the prostitutes, should I bring them with me to the counseling session?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

That's all true, and hopefully counseling will help. I don't accept any of this, other than to say there's nothing I can do, arguments just lead to threats of divorce. How do I combat that? He wants me to believe that it's just his sex drive that's led him to all this, when I have no doubt it's an issue in our marriage, but we can't talk to each other to figure out what the issue is. I'm really praying a mediator will help. I've suggested counseling for years, but not till I found out about all this has he been really willing. We also haven't had the money in the past. I always worried that if he had more money that he would spend it on prostitutes. I have the e-mails he sent to the prostitutes, should I bring them with me to the counseling session?

 

I would bring them in case he tries to start telling lies at the counselling, which is something many people feel tempted to do at counselling.

 

Sex drive or not, we are not animals and that's no excuse, and he already knows that. He's just searching wildly for something to get him out of trouble. He probably regrets what he did but that's no guarantee he won't do it again.

[tell the truth]

That's all true, and hopefully counseling will help. I don't accept any of this, other than to say there's nothing I can do, arguments just lead to threats of divorce. How do I combat that? He wants me to believe that it's just his sex drive that's led him to all this, when I have no doubt it's an issue in our marriage, but we can't talk to each other to figure out what the issue is. I'm really praying a mediator will help. I've suggested counseling for years, but not till I found out about all this has he been really willing. We also haven't had the money in the past. I always worried that if he had more money that he would spend it on prostitutes. I have the e-mails he sent to the prostitutes, should I bring them with me to the counseling session?

So sorry to hear of another about cheating husband with prostitutes. I found out two years ago. My husband was seeing different hookers for the past 22 years......and I had NO idea.....why.....because he came home to dinner every night...never missed a meal in 22 years.....always working.(not)

 

He would see them on his way home.....he would call me before he went in and after he came out. He made the mistake of leaveing the last hooker's name, phone and directions to her house.....in his car...I found it when I was looking for the checkbook to write a check for church on a Sunday morning.

 

*See a hooker on a Friday at 4:00 to 4:45 PM (I have all the phone records to prove it and the bank withdrawal slip on that day......and go to church with the kids on Sunday.....His American Dream.........That was last day he was with a hooker.

 

So I walked into the police station and turned them both in!

He needed to get a lawyer and she kept hooking.......and got arrested!!!

 

So, I guess everyone got paid back ...oh just so you know...four weeks after I caught him.....I found a secret bank account he had in just his name with a half of million dollars in it!!!! So I would make sure you see....all paperwork your husband has!

 

I am so sorry for you....just be glad it didn't take 22 years and two kids later to find out.....He should answer every question you have!

 

Be strong and stand up for yourself and you baby.

 

P.S. Hello....Bunny2007...I miss you! E-mail me!

[lonelygirl9]

We're meeting with a counselor today. I talked to him last night and asked him what his intention was in going to counseling, and he said he wanted us to stay together. I checked his phone this morning and there was at least one strange number called on his lunch hour yesterday. He still claims nothing has happened yet. I didn't ask for the passwords again. I'll ask the counselor what he thinks about the request. Everyone but my husband thinks it's my right to see this information.

[bunny2007]

Yes it definitely is. maybe in normal circumstances a partner maybe insulted by you wanting to go through all their personal stuff and accusing them. but this is already not a normal circumstance and if h a person has nothing to hide they would want to prove in anyway they are innocent.

 

Good luck today.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Bunny is right. Even if he were not caught red-handed, and had not forfeited his right to a normal level of privacy by his deceits, you would *still* have a right to see this information, as you two are married!