HELP, I need opinions! Don't want to waste my time... does he still love me?

[mk1984]

Hello

 

Let me start by saying that I've been with my current BF for almost 2 years. It's been the best, most stable relationship of my life. We rarely (almost never) fight and have good communication. That said, as of late a rift has come up between us.

 

We have always had a fulfilling sex life. The last few months the quantity of the sex has waned a little, but the quality has remained top-notch. Recently, while drinking with some of my friends, he had a few too many and started talking to my best friends about how he still loves me so much, but wants me to wear lingerie more often to spice up our sex life. When she proceeded to tell me this, she stated that he said that me naked doesn't do anything for him anymore. So as you can imagine, I was CRUSHED.

 

I confronted him about it and he denies having said that in any degree. This is a he said she said, I don't think I'll ever know if that was said or not.

 

This became a huge "thing". I am not opposed to getting pointers from him, but when I asked him HOW OFTEN he wanted me to wear lingerie, his answer was "more often than not".

 

So now I'm left a little hurt and ego bruised. I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. I feel that lingerie is great and has it's time and place. But... I also feel that sex is a very natural, organic thing that should just HAPPEN, not be so contrived and forced. I don't want to feel like I have to wear lingerie just to get him to desire me. Additionally, I don't want to wear lingerie that damn often!

 

When we've discussed this he's gone on and on about how he loves me so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with me... so I don't understand it exactly. Is it possible to loose sexual interest in a person and still love them? Is this a sign that we're meant to be just friends?

 

I know that relationships involve a mental, physical and spiritual attraction. Has he lost his physical attraction for me?

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated, and please feel free to be harsh, I love honesty. Thanks!

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone - well, i'd be upset that he was saying this to your friends. but, it doesn't sound like he is calling you unattractive, just that he wants to mix things up, get some more variety, especially after 2 years. lingerie is nice, it doesn't have to be all crazy all the time - what kind of underwear do you wear typically? is it old granny panties? if so, then go on a shopping trip to victoria's secret. they have tons of comfy stuff that is very cute too. maybe have him go shopping with you and have him pick out what he likes and have him buy it for you!

[mk1984]

Thanks Annie.

 

Although, NO, I don't wear grannie panties. Normally I don't "sex it up" for bedtime (pj pants and a wife beater work for me) but I'm not a total slob either.

 

 

Grrrr. Men.

[Fisch]

Grrrr. Men.

 

Don't do that lol.

 

"Italian scientists have determined that the changes to body chemistry which causes people to find new partners sexually attractive lasts, at most, two years."

link removed

 

LOL! My guess: its not that you do NOTHING for him anymore, it is probably just a lot less than the beginning of the relationship. This is natural and completely unavoidable. I do not believe ANYONE who says they are as turned on by their partner (given the same circumstances) a year or two ago then they are now.

 

He was drunk so maybe he said it in an extreme way, but obviously he thinks you are sexy enough to have only sex with you for the rest of his life with... thats pretty much all you can ever ask for because while you can always be sexy to someone, you will never be able to get them as excited as you could when you first met, its just a biological fact I have read over and over again.

 

It may be somewhat sad, but I feel like a sexual relationship is something you have to work at. Sometimes you have to mix it up. I am not saying this to attack or insult or criticize you in any way. I am basically expressing the feelings that I have been through in discovering what sexual relationships are about. It can feel cold and unforgiving, but nobody is going to help you out if you sit there and complain about it.

Sexually men are not like women, for example men are something like 70% more visual then women. Women like to say that men are simpleminded when it comes to sex ("just stick it in there and they are happy"). While I will put away most of my arguments against that, I will say that for a long term relationship, this is not something to base your philosophy off of.

You can be positive about it. It is a strategy game, how can you turn eachother on the best next?

 

Planned sex can be fun too! Sexually teasing eachother all day, sending sexy text messages, leaving notes for them etc. The anticipation can make it even better than random sex.

 

Oh and if he says he still loves you, this is probably no reason to think he doesn't as my evidence above may suggest lol!

Good luck! I hope you guys work it all out!

[ghost69]

in the beginning you are trying to 'impress' your SO with sexual stuff. now you don't seem to have much drive to do it. you said you don't want to wear lingerie that much. okay, don't. but if it's what he needs, i'm sorry, but he requested it. it's a turn on for a guy when a woman WANTS to try and turn a man on. at any cost. he probably hates explaining to you what he needs. some women go the extra mile to do this and their men are satisfied.

 

i had an ex that would wear little cotton shorts and ask me to help her in the kitchen. when she'd be putting dishes away, she'd bend over too much on purpose. it was hot.

[annie24]

well, I'd go and find some cute silk camisoles, or other sleep sets. if you wait a few more weeks, victoria's secret is going to have massive after christmas sales, so you can go wild then. it sounds like the relationship is fine otherwise, and wanting to see you in cuter lingerie isn't such an unreasonable request, imho.