Feeling lost...

[Pocket Rocket]

It's funny that even feeling lost I know I'm on my way to recovery, I guess I just need a little support right now even if it's from people I've never met (though I do know everyone here has the best intentions).

 

Recently I feel into the same quick and dirty pattern of a relationship with a guy that ended with us trying to be friends until I decided to go NC completelywhich was extremely hard because we were in the same class almost every day of the week and share mutual friends (I've felt really isolated because of this, but they do talk to me and enjoy my company which was a relief). Part of me was banking on the whole "I'll go away so you can come after me" thing, but I also knew staying friends was an unhealthy position for me. I pulled away and he noticed so now he's ignoring me too (I think that's made it so much easier and hard at the same time)

 

Bar couple of slips I've been very good with NC, I'm at the stage where I feel I'm almost totally over this (it's taken far too long but I think it's taken the time it needed, I know there's potential for slipping agai but this time I know I can get up again and again). I'm at the stage where I'm doing this for myself and have done so for the last few weeks. The only thing I worry is that he's with someone else and someone in the class will let me know about it (I don't think anyone knows we were involved, at least not from me), which will make me feel bad again but I know I'll handle it (I guess it would be a temporary set-back). Part of me also thinks "well he may still like you" but then another part says, well so what if he does, you don't want him back.

 

The issue is that I got sick and tired of the same old repeating pattern and I decided to work on myself and look inside to see why I get into these things. A lot of stuff has come up and I've done a lot of work on past grief that I never acknowledged or let go of, gone to counselling, hopefully willl continue to go (even though I don't know if it's effective), talked to friends and journalled, and have been honest about myself with people who love me (I'm not fully there but getting there bit by bit).

 

The thing is, after the pinning and 'woe is me' attitude goes away and after all this introspection I'm left staring in the face of all the issues past and present within me that have and are standing in the way of my happiness and thinking there's no way I could possibly work them out without taking a lifetime. Did you ever feel 'lost' like that? Has anyone ever reached a point where they're over someone or grieved things past and found that there was so much more work to do? How did you deal with that without letting the slump and constant introspection and second guessing your thoughts and behaviours, get in the way of your life?

 

Thanks for listening

[tori_black]

I hate talking in clichés, but life has of course it's ups and downs. I'm the queen of issues. I try to be honest with myself and I try to really deal with the stuff that bothers me, but most of the time I'm so goddamn scared of how screwy I really am, that I try to just focus on other things.

 

But sometimes it doesn't work, and it's not really healthy either, because not thinking about it doesn't mean it'll go away. What really helped me, was this one thought that is completely true.

 

Life sucks. We all know it does. Most of the time people are dealing with trouble that in time might make them bitter, especially if they think that achieving happiness in life means to be constantly happy. If you want your life to be trouble-free, the best thing you can do is not have any real friends, have senseless amounts of orgasms or take some kind of happy pill. But that's not the point, is it.

The thing is that to lead a happy life means that there are more happy moments than bad moment, not that there are no bad moments at all.

 

Now there are moments, when I realize as well how really bad I feel, because I'm unhappily in love or because my friends' lives seem to be so much better or because people close to me are ill. I start thinking that it's weak of me to behave the way I do, I get really insecure because of who I am and I feel that no one could possibly love me. Well, I just fall into the bottomless pit of self-loathing and pitying. It's not forbidden to feel sorry for oneself once in a while, especially when you have a good reason, but it has almost driven me to suicide and that's when I understood how deeply senseless it is to go and focus on all the bad things in your life.

 

Your issues won't just go away. You can work on some of them, some problems can't be resolved. But the important thing is, that you remember that that's just part of those bad moments, which are a part of life. You should cry and you should be angry, but then you have to dust yourself off and get up again, and to go on living and focusing on all the great things in life, like having a crush on someone, or being excited because you bought new shoes. You can think about everything you can do with your life. You can help others to handle their problems.

 

As to guy troubles: who doesn't have them? It sucks, especially if you have to see that person every day. But as long as you learn from the relationship and the situation, it's a good thing, and maybe you can start looking at the whole thing from another angle.

 

I hope this helps. Just know that I understand completely and that I wish you the best. We all get lost sometimes. Everything's going to be okay.