Hopeless situation??? PLEASE HELP!!!

[xxfitchick]

Alright, this is a very long and complex story, hence why I need some objective advice and viewpoints. This forum seems to be comprised of very mature people who have a more optimistic viewpoint that "dump him" haha.

 

So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years and were best friends for a solid three years before that. Even while being "friends" we felt something for each other. We now attend two separate colleges that are two hours away, but his is in our hometown so we see each other fairly frequently. We were also considering a transfer next year. We have talked about the potential to spend the rest of our lives together since we were 16, which sounds stupid, but I truly believe that we are meant for each other.

 

Things got rough this year because he began living in the fraternity he joined last semester. I am also greek, however, the constant partying and having girls in the room got to me, though he has never given me a reason not to trust him. I became jealous, insecure, and generally not very pleasant and we began fighting a lot. Finally, six weeks ago, he requested a break, stating that he thought we both needed some time to be ourselves and appreciate each other again. We agreed not to see anybody else or become physical with anybody else (minus dancing at parties). Originally, we were supposed to get back together over Thanksgiving, however, this did not happen because he felt he needed more time. Rather than being supportive, I cried, begged, and basically did everything I shouldn't have but he promised we would get back together over Christmas none-the-less. I am not sure if I believe this or not and that is where I need your help.

 

I have not innitiated any contact for the second 3 weeks of the break, however, we do talk everyday because he IMs me and occasionally calls. I generally try to keep it short and only brought up the break once (at the very beginning, mistake, I know, but I was torn up). He still tells me he loves me and when I was home last weekend (to see friends and attend a bears game) we ended up hanging out twice on his request. I did not have sex with him and I kept it fairly casual (no making out, but cuddling, holding hands ect...) Everybody says he still calls me his girlfriend (never his ex) and one of his brothers even told me he has said he is getting back together with me. However, I am concerned that he is simply keeping me around because it is "comfortable" because I still don't feel as though he misses me. I have been working out tons, am getting my hair done, gone tanning, bought new clothes, gone out with friends and re-connected with old ones, so it's not like i'm sitting around letting him think i'm sulking (though I do often feel sad and lonely).

 

He invited me to his family christmas dinner and he is coming to a family christmas party of mine and has also expressed interest in going on dates... I just don't want to have a really fabulous break together and then have him dump me in the end, i feel like he gives me NO signs of wanting me back despite him "promising" me.... so here are my questions:

 

- is it okay that we speak daily, as long as he innitiates (i know about the no contact rule, but since we aren't broken up, only on a break, i figure it is alright...)

 

- is it okay to attend family functions together, or is the just false hope and innappropriate while on a break?

 

- what should I do if he doesn't bring up the situation by the end of christmas break?

 

- physically, how "far" should I go? Obviously, no sex or anything like that until we get back together, but what about holding hands, kissing, cuddling ect...

 

- is it okay to suggest date like activities, or should I let him do all the intiating?

 

- finally, based on what I have said, is he just living the best of both worlds or does he really just need the space and time?

 

I know that a lot to digest, but any advice would be fantastic. I feel very lost and confused and I would hate to think my best friend could hurt me like this... but I feel like he doesn't miss me and that he is happier partying with the guys and "living the good life" than being with me.

[ILovemySweets]

Do you want to work things out with him?

 

I think you should definitely set a time frame you are willing to do this or it will just be harder.

 

You have to go with your gut feeling on this one. If he saying he will eventually get back together but he isnt acting then that is a concern.

 

You guys seem to be acting like you guys havent broken up so what exactly of this break consisting of?

[xxfitchick]

I guess I am unsure... when we went on the break he told me he still wanted to talk and not see anybody. I guess he was just tired of feeling obligated to cater to my neediness and he said he just needed some time to himself. It's confusing because he still calls me his girlfriend and tells people I'm his girlfriend... and I don't know if it's because he intends to make me his girlfriend again or if he is just stringing me along... any thoughts?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, lots of questions to tackle.

 

From what you have described, it sounds like the break was the result of constant fighting and your jealousy issues. 3 weeks is not really a long enough time to sort out and fix the issues so I can understand why he may not have been ready to go back to a full relationship with you. I think you really need to see how things go over the Christmas break. Don't put pressure on him at all, just enjoy the time with him. He is in contact with you all the time and that is good. Since he was the one who wanted the break, let him steer this. If he initiates hand holding and cuddling that's okay....lots of people do that when they are dating but not yet in a full relationship. However, I don't think you should let it cross the line to make out sessions. Keep things light and sweet without too much physical interaction. I think attending the family functions together is important and it is a good sign that you two are still going to be involved with each other's families.

 

Don't suggest dates...let him court you. Do not discuss when the break will end, just let things evolve. If things are not discussed at Christmas, see what happens in January. I think this is one case where patience is a virtue. Don't rush things with him...let him take the time to think about what he wants to do. Give him the time and don't put pressure on him. As you have seen, pressure only drives him away. In the meantime, live your life for you and don't just wait around for him to call. Get out, see your friends, do your own thing. Show him that you are not sitting on pins and needles waiting for him to decide the fate of your relationship. If you show that you are relaxed and laid back about things...yet not willing to sell yourself short by being a Friend with Benefits, you might draw him closer to you.

[xxfitchick]

thanks for the advice... this break is just tearing me apart. I feel like he does not miss me what-so-ever, but it is hard to tell because he is not a particularly emotional or sharing person.

 

today i decided not to sign online to see if he would call me and of course he has not and now i am miserable. is it a negative sign that he mostly only talks to me online? I feel like he is unwilling to make the effort to call... or is that just him taking space?

 

any thoughts, this will be the first day we haven't spoken in so long but I feel like i should "make" him call me... but if he doesn't I will be devestated so I wonder if I am doing myself more harm that good...

 

any thoughts?

[havefaith]

I agree with crazy 100%.

 

Stay offline. He'll call.

 

(I'll answer your pm in a bit, too!)

[xxfitchick]

haha lets hope so, not hearing from him at all today has been rough on my emotions and i have finals this week =[

[havefaith]

I'm with you on the finals!! Put it out of your mind, don't let him ruin your life. It's a very good sign that he wants to do family functions together. Just tell yourself you are going to be just fine either way and power through those tests. Then get home and see where it goes.

[xxfitchick]

Aghhhh damnit!!!!! I got online for literally 30 seconds because on of my girls wanted to send me a funny picture and i figured I was safe because she said he had been away for a few hours... but OF COURSE he comes back like 10 seconds after I sign on and IMs me... then he went away right away again (I figure he was probably playing halo with the guys) so it wasn't even a real conversation but i'm sure it was enough to give him his fix and keep him from calling =[

 

(p.s have you pmed me back?)