Frustrating situation/potential personal problem. Kudos to anyone with an answer.

[babybel7]

First, a little bit of background:

 

I'm a college freshman, living in a co-ed dorm arranged by entries of 20 people. Each entry also has 2 hall advisors, a guy and a girl. It just so happens that I have begun to develop a little thing for the guy in the entry next door.

Two problems:

1.) He is the best friend of my guy hall advisor.

2.) He is 4 years older than me, and recently broke up with someone. She is a fox.

And now the situation:

So over break, I stayed on campus since I didn't feel like flying all the way back home, and so did he. (I already knew him from one of my classes- we'd studied together a few times, and got along splendidly). We had a sorta-kinda date, and then hung out together the rest of the night with some of my friends. The next day, we were watching a movie, when he reached for my hand and kissed me. I kissed him back...but not even thirty seconds had passed by, when I broke away and announced that I had to do work, and went to my room (Lame, right?) I just didn't feel very comfortable with him, and wasn't too sure of my feelings. In a couple hours, I came back to his room to get him, as a bunch of us were watching movies in my entry. I told him that I'd like to get to know him better first, and he agreed.

The next day, I left to go visit some family for the weekend. When I came back, we talked some, but didn't hang out because we were both busy with school....or at least that's the excuse that I used to avoid him. As the days went by, it got more and more awkward between us. Until he finally came in to tell me one night that he wasn't ready for anything, period. I said it was fine.

But it really wasn't. I realized that I really do like him, and would do anything for another chance. We haven't talked for well over a week, and it's messing with my head. I am also starting to notice a trend...whenever I begin to have feelings for someone, I push them away. When I am in a relationship, I can't get past a certain point of physical intimacy. It worries me, because at this point, I am thinking that I will never get past that barrier.

So...what to do? Should I call it quits with him, or should I try for another go? The next break is coming up after finals, in a week...we'll be alone again...I don't know what to do...

[Angel_baby]

It really sounds like he needs some time before he gets back into a relationship since he just got out of a relationship. Give him some time to heal and then I would say it would be "green light" to pursue him.

 

Is there a reason why you push guys away? Why you are afraid of physical intimacy?

[onewithbooks]

I agree with Angel. He probably does need some time before he can be in another relationship again.

 

Also he may or may not have considered the fact that there is a 4 year age difference between you too. While in terms of maturity that may not be a lot at the end of this next term will he be leaving? This might be something you want to consider.

 

I understand about pushing people away. I do that sometimes as well. Its a hard road to travel.

 

Maybe you cant get past a certain point of physical intimacy, because you are sure of the situation/person that you are getting involved with and so your subconscious is hesitant?

[babybel7]

I'm not sure...I think it might have something to do with my negative body image. I'm afraid to let anyone touch me because I feel like they might not like my body if they do, and I can't handle that. I'm not fat per se, but I'm not comfortable in my body. I have a history of an eating disorder...I'm fine now, but watch what I eat religiously, and work out a lot as well. I keep telling myself, as soon as I drop ten pounds, I'll feel better about myself, and then I'll be fine with physical intimacy.

Also, I have some messed up views about morality, coming from two opposing sides of my upbringing. One absolutely shunned premarital sex, and one was more or less lax about it. As a result, I have no idea what the hell I really want.

[Angel_baby]

I'm not sure...I think it might have something to do with my negative body image. I'm afraid to let anyone touch me because I feel like they might not like my body if they do, and I can't handle that. I'm not fat per se, but I'm not comfortable in my body. I have a history of an eating disorder...I'm fine now, but watch what I eat religiously, and work out a lot as well. I keep telling myself, as soon as I drop ten pounds, I'll feel better about myself, and then I'll be fine with physical intimacy.

Also, I have some messed up views about morality, coming from two opposing sides of my upbringing. One absolutely shunned premarital sex, and one was more or less lax about it. As a result, I have no idea what the hell I really want.

 

Sounds like you are still trying to figure yourself out. Which might be a good thing to do first before getting into a relationship.

 

As for your self esteem. I used to be at that point to. I was anorexic for nearly 5 years. Always thinking I was fat. It is a hard cycle of thoughts to break BUT it can be done. I now know that I am beautiful in my own way.

If a guy is touching you they obviously are attracted to you, they wouldn't be touching you if they thought you were repulsive.

 

My parents raised me to view sex before marriage as "wrong" and no dating AT ALL. I think that having sex (especially for the first time but not only) should be special and that you should care for the other person. My sister didn't wait and just gave it up to a random guy... she regrets that to this day.

[babybel7]

Thanks for the advice, much appreciated. I guess I do have a few issues to work out on my own before I get involved with anyone else...I'm just afraid that I never will straighten these things out, and give up the chance for a good relationship in the meantime because I'm avoiding it. Ehh. Oh, well. We'll see what happens.

[Momene]

On self esteem/body image, some people will be attracted to you if you're on the cuddly side of average, so don't worry.