driving myself crazy imagining scenarios

[cant find my smile]

I am honestly making myself sick right now. My ex and I have been talking to/sleeping with each other since he broke up with me 3 months ago. When we broke up he said it wasn't about finding someone else, he said that he felt like I was perfect for him and that he didn't understand why he didn't feel like he loved me.

 

Well the last time I saw him was a week ago and he was talking about a woman he had met at his ski hill who he really admired as she is an ex-patroller, extreme skier etc - all the things he loves. Now I am definitely into skiing and sports but not obsessive like he is. Anyway, when I was at his place last week I saw an email from this woman inviting him to a christmas party up at the hill. I have no idea if this was platonic or not, but it has seriously started stressing me out. We have agreed to tell each other if one of us starts seeing someone else but I feel like I am giving myself an ulcer with worry. I have NEVER thought that he was interested in someone else until now.

 

Is there anyway someone can make me feel the teeniest bit better about this?

[Broken_Doll_ParTs]

On my opinion, I think you should stop seeing and talking to him. Move on, he obviously doesnt want to be your BF, if he did, he would still be with you or he wouldnt be talking about other girls.

 

The only way to feel better is to stop talking to him and slowly start healing and moving on from this relationship.

 

Good luck

[browneyedgirl36]

This must be a very difficult situation for you.

 

My suggestion is that, if you really, really want to know, ask him. If he really is into this other woman in a non-platonic way, you'll know for sure, and you can start healing and moving on. It hurts to hear the truth, but in the long run, you'll be glad you did.

 

Regardless, the "talking to and sleeping with" your ex is probably not healthy for you. Consider this: You're broken up, right? So, you're not in an official relationship, but he still gets the benefits -- talking to you, sex, etc. -- of being in an official relationship without fully giving you what you want and need. He really needs to make up his mind whether he wants to actually BE with you, in a relationship sense, or not, and if not, he needs to let you go.

 

My concern for you is that he is biding his time -- seeing you and sleeping with you -- until he finds someone else, and he may be on his way to doing that right now. Is this fair to you? Absolutely not, but since he is clearly only thinking of what he wants and not what's best for you, YOU have to take a stand and make healthy decisions for YOU.

 

I've been where you are. Ex wants me in his life, wants to sleep with me, etc., but doesn't want a *relationship* with me. I actually cut him off, and in fact turned down his recent request to come over to his house for sex, because I realized that he can't/won't give me what I want and need, and if he's not willing to at least try, then I am not making myself available to him --sexually or otherwise. It was a VERY hard decision to make, but I had no choice. If I had made a different choice, I would have been seriously shortchanging myself.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to resolve it and move forward. Good luck!

[cant find my smile]

Thanks for the responses...

 

I know that this is a totally f'd up and unhealthy situation, but I can't blame him since I am the one who initiates seeing each other and sex I know that I need to stop and that I am showing him I have no respect for myself, but everytime I pull away from him I get so scared that I will lose him forever. Although I suppose you can't lose something you don't have in the first place.

 

3 months later and I still feel like my world has collapsed...if I were a man I'd say I need to grow a pair.

[cant find my smile]

browneyed girl - what was his reaction when you said you wouldn't see him anymore?

 

I kind of think maybe for me it is better to not say anything at all, because in a week I am going on vacation for 3 weeks and he'll be on vacation until the end of Jan. So I won't see him until then at the earliest. And then maybe I can try and start no contact and see if he ever calls.

 

what do you guys think?

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks for the responses...

 

I know that this is a totally f'd up and unhealthy situation, but I can't blame him since I am the one who initiates seeing each other and sex I know that I need to stop and that I am showing him I have no respect for myself, but everytime I pull away from him I get so scared that I will lose him forever. Although I suppose you can't lose something you don't have in the first place.

 

3 months later and I still feel like my world has collapsed...if I were a man I'd say I need to grow a pair.

 

You've gone to the heart of the matter right here: You can't lose what you don't have in the first place. The bottom line is that you have to be willing to let go, and letting go means that yes, you may lose him forever. That's a painful thought, but...how much more painful is it to know that you are emotionally invested in someone who can't/won't reciprocate?

 

I had to do some SERIOUS soul-searching awhile back because, like you, I was so afraid to let him go....I thought that if I stopped seeing him (we weren't actually having *sex* but were fooling around pretty extensively) that I would "lose him forever." I finally came to the conclusion that I've already *lost* him -- or, maybe I never really had him to begin with -- and I was hanging on to hope for something that may never happen. I thought about how sleeping with him and sharing that intimacy from time to time might feel good at the time, but that, after putting on my clothes and going home, I'd be just as alone, if not more so, than I would've been if I hadn't been intimate with him in the first place.

 

One night, I was driving home from somewhere, crying and thinking (I do my best thinking -- and crying -- in the car and I made a list of all the things I would want from a relationship -- with him or someone else. I came to the conclusion that the ONLY thing he would be offering me if I were to do things on his terms would be sex. Certainly, that's one thing I want from a relationship, but I realized that at this point, he can't (or isn't willing to) give me ANY of the other things I want. That made me sad, but it made me ANGRY too. How dare he only want sex from me! I'm worth so much more than that! I realized that I had definitely made the right decision in not seeing him socially anymore (we still run into each other at work sometimes).

 

He's been honest, though, and told me that he can't give me what I want and need at this point. And, he understands and supports my decision to not be intimate with him, even if he doesn't really like it.

[browneyedgirl36]

browneyed girl - what was his reaction when you said you wouldn't see him anymore?

 

I kind of think maybe for me it is better to not say anything at all, because in a week I am going on vacation for 3 weeks and he'll be on vacation until the end of Jan. So I won't see him until then at the earliest. And then maybe I can try and start no contact and see if he ever calls.

 

what do you guys think?

 

I still see him, at work, but we do not see each other outside of work anymore and haven't for almost 2 months.

 

His reaction when I told him was very understanding. He told me he respected my decision and agreed that it was the best decision for me. I have to say I respect him for being honest -- he has been consistent in telling me that he doesn't want a relationship -- so I can't fault him for that. I am a bit disgruntled that he would even THINK of me as just a "sex buddy" when I'm clearly worth more than that, and I'm frustrated and sad that we can't have more, but I can't say that he deceived me. I did some things with him knowing how he felt about the situation, so that is on me.

 

I think your plan to go NC is a good one. Go out of town, let him go out of town, and don't contact him. If he does contact you when he gets back, deal with it then. Perhaps you won't even want to see him by then. This bit of time and space away from him might give you a different perspective on the situation.

 

Hang in there, and keep postiing if you need to!

[cant find my smile]

thanks browneyed

 

one of the hardest parts for me is that I DID have him at some point. We were together for almost 2 years, and for a large part of that he was a fantastic boyfriend. Things were amazing between us, we barely ever fought. The biggest issue was that I never felt like I was a priority to him - he worked a ton, traveled lots for work, and was very into sports which took him away most weekends. I was really accomodating and maybe this is what caused the problem in the first place. He said the spark was gone...that he didn't miss me as much as he should etc.

 

What the hell is wrong with him - he is 30, says he wants to settle down, says I am perfect for him and yet he still feels ok walking away from our relationship.

 

I just can't cope with this anymore. I want to be able to do something, but if I was already so perfect for him what more of myself can I give?

 

People keep saying "why do you want someone who doesn't want you" but that is such a simplistic way of looking at things. I would understand if this were the first week after the break up but it has been more than 3 months and I still feel so devastated. When will it end?