If I got into a disagreement with my b/f...

[ILovemySweets]

and I want to make it up to him what are some suggestions? The disagreement was my fault (I said some things that were way out of line and this has happened a few times) and this time he got so upset (and has not been staying at our place) so I really want to do something besides just saying sorry. I have said sorry to him already but I wanted to really do something special for him. I know my actions from here on out will show him I dont want to be like that to him, but I just wanted to plan something special and show him how much he means to me. Would something romantic be ok? I really want to go all out, and do something a woman would do for her man.

 

Do you think if I invited him over (this week) and made his favorite appetizers and one of his favorite dinners with some wine, setting a romantic mood, that would be overdoing it? I talked to him last Thursday night and had a heart to heart with him about my role in our fighting and how it was the reason he was not living at home. This would also be to reiterate how things will be different from now on.

 

Last week he talked to me about working on the relationship. Its seemed like he was hoping for me to say something that he is waiting to hear b/c he is open to us working on things. I really opened myself up to him last Thursday and prayed he heard every word. He was about to go into his friends house so I just said ok I will go, hoping my words got through to him. I did ask him as soon as I called if it was a good time to talk and he said yes, I had no idea he was about to go to a friends house.

 

I thought it was only right to give him time to think about what I said that night, so I have not contacted him since Thursday b/c I did not want to push him.

 

What do you think?... does that seem like something a woman would do for her man... i am not trying to switch roles or take it too far... Just really want to make it a special night... with many more to follow.

[Seymore]

I had a problem with my gf over this - she'd say things that were completely unnecessary and mean, and apologize, do it again, apologize. After enough times, "I'm sorry" becomes two words with nothing behind them.

 

Show him you're sorry. You don't need a romantic dinner, etc. You need to alter the way you act towards him.

 

This past weekend my girlfriend and I spent three days together and not one outburst from her. THAT was an "I'm sorry" to me. I realize she's trying to change now and that there will be more outbursts, but perhaps not quite as often, it doesn't happen overnight, but I appreciate the work she's putting into it.

[theartofruin]

As someone who's going through this fighting/sorry/fighting cycle right now, I can totally empathise with you! It is a horrible situation to be in, but that can be fixed.

 

As the poster above mentioned, SHOW that you're sorry by learning from the mistakes and not letting it happen again. Sooner or later you get numb to the apologies if it doesn't mean anything (likewise when people say 'I love you' without backing it up with how they treat you).

 

I'm not sure if the big dinner is necessary, but it may be a nice gesture. Personally I'd love something like that, but other boyfriends may be a little startled. But you know your man, so you should know if he'll appreciate it or not.

[ILovemySweets]

I had a problem with my gf over this - she'd say things that were completely unnecessary and mean, and apologize, do it again, apologize. After enough times, "I'm sorry" becomes two words with nothing behind them.

 

Show him you're sorry. You don't need a romantic dinner, etc. You need to alter the way you act towards him.

 

This past weekend my girlfriend and I spent three days together and not one outburst from her. THAT was an "I'm sorry" to me. I realize she's trying to change now and that there will be more outbursts, but perhaps not quite as often, it doesn't happen overnight, but I appreciate the work she's putting into it.

 

 

What is is that made you agree to spend the three days with her after what you have gone through? Right now my b/f is staying with his friend. I dont want to push him that is why I havent contacted him since Thursday. He actually had asked me to call him when we had talked the day before.

 

I actually have been going to a therapist to deal with my stress. I dont go into a rage and yell but my words are what is hurtful and he doesnt deserve that.

 

I make it a point to go walking everyday now and that really helps with my anxiety (i feel anxious b/c of the situation with him)... but the working out really is good for me and it keeps me stress free and i feel so good after i do it.

 

The worst part right now is not having him at our place.

 

i realize that my actions will show him i have changed. he knows i am doing therapy and has been iffy b/c he has seen it where ppl are in therapy for years. i however, do not want to be in therapy that long. i want to invite him over and i thought having a nice dinner would just be a special thing i could do for him. this wouldnt be the first or last. i am accustom to sometimes making dinners for him so this is nothing new. i thought it would be something nice to do and we can figure things out from here on where the relationship can go.

 

i wasnt sure what to say or whether contacting him this week was a good idea.

 

i wanted some objective advice. thanks for any help.

[JadedStar]

If this has happened more than a few times then he may feel like it is becoming a pattern (and he would be correct). What is that line in the song "never again is what you swore, that time before"?

 

You are right it will take more than apology if you were at fault and said things that were out of line and this happened before. To be honest I am not sure what to suggest because if you don't change whatever it is that is causing you to do this it is going to happen again and again.

 

What is it that makes you say things that are hurtful and out of line? What is the catalyst?

 

Showing him you are sorry is fine and well but i don't think a romantic dinner is going to "fix" the issues that cause the arguments in the first place. You have to first define WHY they are happening and be able to present to him a logical action plan of how to prevent it in the future. I think showing you are actively identifying this issue and making pains to improve it will go much further than a dinner or any special planned evening. That IMO is only a bandaid.

[ILovemySweets]

Well I just let my stress from other things and my insecurities get the best of me.

 

Since I have gone to therapy I have learned other ways to deal with everything. I really made it a point to go out and socialize more and make my own friends. I work out everyday and am finding new hobbies.

 

Before we spent a majority of all our time together and while we enjoyed it, I think it is important for me to be independend of him. I have a great group of girlfriends. I making big changes in my life for myself and b/c I want a future with him.

 

There is no repeating that behavior. What has happened to me is enough motivation not to let it happen again.

[Seymore]

Well, we had a talk. It lasted about an hour. But what REALLY surprised me and decided to give her another chance was that she went, on her own, and filled out a anger management sheet. She listed a few of the instances where she was nasty to me, how she should have handled it, and what she will do to fix it in the future. She also listed pros and cons about me, things that I did that sent her into that negative mindframe, etc. We stopped communicating for about 2 days just to focus on our own lives. Maybe a quick "Have a good day at work, honey", but nothing more.

 

5 days later she said the most hurtful thing to me since we started dating, during a very stressful time. I don't think she realized it when it came out of her mouth at first, but quite honestly, I became a little numb after that, and the relationship is damaged, I will admit. My heart is not completely with her right now, as I've kind of pulled back a little to protect myself. Five hours later, she sent me flowers at work (me being a guy, it was a little strange, but still thoughtful) and a note asking for forgiveness.

 

I love her. I can't lie. I had thought at that moment when she said that nasty thing that I could just walk away from her. I was so hurt, but I knew that in another week I'd really want her back, and that what I love about her outweighs what I dislike about her by about 4/1 (I filled out my own pros and cons about her). She's been in therapy for 2 years now and been in some really bad relationships, longest and most serious of which was only ended 5 months ago.

 

The "I'm sorrys" will only last so much longer, though. I kind of feel bad for her, I know that I'm not the reason she gets angry, that there's something inside of her, but she MUST work on it or I will be gone. It's tough, too. I could see her as my wife someday, especially when she's at her best, but once she blows up, that dream goes poof. All that magic that comes about when you meet someone really special went out the window. It was good in a sense because it brought me back down to earth, but I have more worries now.

 

So I guess it was hope that made me agree to spend the three days with her. We've spent every weekend together since we started dating 3 months ago, and it's usually gone without her * * * * * ing about something or making me mad, but this past weekend, I was truly impressed. There were some rough situations that she handled very, very well, and that gives me more hope.

 

I don't think contacting him was a bad idea. Make him dinner, then sit and talk. As long as it takes, and get everything out. Be HONEST. Walking is a good idea too, my gf decided to take a dance class to ease the tension. She still hasn't been able to go yet due to her insane schedule, but I love that she's really trying. And think of different ways to word things. There's always a tactful way to express yourself to the ones you love most. Best of luck to you!

[ILovemySweets]

what did she say to make you agree to talk to her?

[Seymore]

I brought up myself that we needed to have a talk, actually over e-mail from work, so I said we needed to talk in person, since e-mail wasn't really proper for that. She flew off the handle and took it that I was going to break up with her, and said "Fine. Let's just call it quits."

 

Spinning my words into something completely different was very unattractive to me and a complete turn-off, and I said "If that's what you want, then that's fine. I don't want you to be with me if you're not happy." We went back and forth like we had broken up, and I had told her then, plain as day that I wanted to talk, not break up and that I wish she wouldn't have turned my words around. So she agreed to talk, and said maybe it's best that we don't speak until the talk. In those 2 days she did the anger management thing etc., and that made me feel more like I could speak with her. I know I have my faults too, some that may have contributed to her behavior even, so I agreed to work on those faults if she would agree to work on her anger. It's work, but it's for a wonderful cause.

[ghost69]

i'm not sure romance is a way to go after a huge fight. at least not a lovey dovey candle lit dinner n such. maybe some basketball tix or something? go with him to a game.